Posted by fxckfeelings on March 7, 2011
Some self-help experts tell us that we control our destiny! All that does is make you feel responsible for things working out in the end, which is why your automatic response when that doesn’t happen is to figure out where you went wrong while feeling like a shitty, guilty mess. The truth is most big problems can’t work out in the end, particularly when they involve illness and aging, and the only thing wrong is that we’re living in a very, very tough world. Instead of asking where you failed, be proud of what you achieved despite being destined to suffer at nature’s whim.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve been very helpful and patient with my husband since he suffered brain damage after being hit by a car, but I’ve just about had it. Everyone in our families focuses on finding a new treatment for him, and we’re all happy that he’s recovered some functions and can now talk and stand up. The trouble is, I’m exhausted, I’ve got no time to go out and make a living, and he’s gotten into the habit of telling me what I’m supposed to do without a please, thank you or may I. My goal is to set him straight and let him know I can’t keep it up at this pace and that he needs to improve his tone.
Setting someone straight when he wants too much from you usually leads to a guilt fest; you make him feel guilty, he guilts you right back, and it’s a regular guiltapalooza.
You wouldn’t be knocking yourself out in the first place if you didn’t feel responsible and, yes, guilty for not doing more. Of course, you may be knocking yourself out doing things that are really, really necessary, but that’s unlikely. Guilt rarely works that way.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on March 3, 2011
Pride comes before the fall, and the fall is sometimes into a prolonged depression, which, to mix metaphors, can lead to a lengthy winter of discontent. No matter how much you deserve to be confident in a job well done at work, there are uncontrollable things that can put the brakes on your momentum or just stop you from doing excelling work. One of the major sources of stalling is the aforementioned depression. That’s when you either find a more solid source of pride or start seeing yourself as a failure, and you know what we advocate. Real excellence is accepting your best work when it’s not excellent, and real pride comes with healthy expectations and is fall-free.
–Dr. Lastname
After 5 years of facing up to issues with PTSD after a sexual assault, depression, anxiety and feeling generally emotionally disconnected, I felt that I made progress. As a creative person, I was stuck in a job surrounded by other artists but not creating anything myself. I left my job last autumn and set myself up as a freelance artist and have been working hard at being pro-active. I have been ignoring the signs of depression since last November, maybe earlier. I am doing the bare minimum just to support myself but over the past month or so I have been sinking down further and further. I feel like a failure to be back at this place again. In the past I have taken anti-depressants but they cut all creative flow off and I just can’t do that again, it’s the only thing holding me together at the moment. I cried last night for the first time in 9 years at the sheer frustration of not moving forwards and not being the artist I want to be. I’ve kind of given up on the idea of having the things normal people do like family (have no contact with my own), so I do tend to define myself by my art. My goal is to be brave enough and good enough to create the work that I feel is inside me without sabotaging or running away.
One of the dangers of being an artist is that you may gain too much confidence in your control over creativity. Sometimes, you feel the muse. Most of the time, you feel the misery.
When you feel inspired, you define yourself by your art, despite the lack of control you have over it. Creative types are in the unique position where talent and productivity don’t necessarily go hand-in-hand. When the former outweighs the latter, problems ensue.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on January 13, 2011
When faced with scary health issues, from strange lumps to bad thoughts, people often avoid treatments that hurt, particularly after long-standing symptoms have sapped their hope, fed self-hate, or fostered bad habits. They deny anything’s wrong, or they insist that resistance is futile, but either way, if you criticize them for not helping themselves, they will readily agree, hate themselves more, and burrow deeper into their holes and further away from treatment. Before they can find the way out, they need to reconnect with their real strength. Only by recognizing their actual achievements and their past and potential courage, can they face what ails them. The pain may continue, but not its power to intimidate and paralyze.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: In responding to suicidal goals, as in the case below, we do not presume to offer emotional support. If you’re at risk of hurting yourself, you should, of course, go to an emergency room, discuss your state of mind with a professional, and decide how much support you need in order to remain safe. In most of the cases we encounter, however, our correspondents are not simply suicidal; they are familiar with treatment and have come to believe that it won’t help. Often, we must agree that their feelings are unlikely to change in the near future. What we try to demonstrate, however, is that negative feelings create falsely negative and hopeless beliefs and that there are ways to recover your strength and perspective, even when the pain won’t let up.
I’m considering suicide. My life is a joke. I am in my late 30s and female and I have never had a relationship with a man. Several men have used me for sex and at least 2 of them begged me not to tell any of their friends they’d had sex with me. I’ve never been loved, been held, been listened to, been cherished. I’ve just been used like a toilet. On the outside I’m pretty. I can hold a conversation and I have a reasonable number of friends. But I hate myself and I don’t feel good enough. I was abandoned by both parents and I was raped for the first time when I was about 2-years-old. It’s like men I meet can smell the self-hate on me and they treat me accordingly. I do not have even one person in my life who cares about me or who I could trust. My friends are there to go for drinks or dinner with me if they can find nothing better to do but they are not there to be supportive ever, in any way. What is the point of me continuing to live?
It’s horrible to feel that you don’t belong to the human race, except for your ability to satisfy the needs and cravings of jerks.
Remember, however, that those feelings almost always beget more falsely negative beliefs, particularly about relationships. Whether or not you’ve done anything wrong, you feel infinitely rejectable, comfortable in the company of jerks, and anxious around people you respect, since you know they will reject you for your anxiety and fundamental worthlessness.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on November 11, 2010
Anger is commonly taken as a sign of imbalance, sickness, and a personal failure to find peace. Anyone who’s ever had their lunch money stolen, been married (or divorced), or just driven in downtown Boston, however, knows that the above notion is bullshit; anger is what it is, and is often unavoidable. As with most of life’s near-uncontrollable impulses, it’s what you do with it, or what you let it do to you, that counts.
–Dr. Lastname
I was diagnosed with Parkinsons five years ago, and cannot for the life of me figure out how to get beyond being PISSED OFF about it. No, I don’t want to find a new hobby, interest or job. I was perfectly happy with my “pre-Parkinsons” hobbies, interests and job…thankyouverymuch. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sitting around throwing what anyone would consider a pity party; in fact, I have people frequently tell me how amazed they are at how well I’ve adjusted to my “new life”. I’m doing all those “plan B” hobbies, interests and jobs that any self-respecting chronically diseased person should attempt to do. But, the bottom line is that I HATE all this plan B bullsh*t! So far, all the talk therapy, antidepressants, Zen type activities and straight up “get a grip” self talk have proven no match for my anger. Quality of life is much more important to me than quantity, so I’m in serious need of a plan C that includes quality improvement. Any suggestions on how I can get the hell out of my own way long enough to ever device a plan C?
Anyone who writes as eloquently and vigorously as you do has a curse as well as a gift: high expectations for a life that meets your standards for fun, creativity, and excellence.
While your gifts make you a more interesting person, there’s a special hell reserved for those with special gifts who develop them well…and then run into a brick wall.
Other people think you’ve still got lots going for you, and they’re right to some degree. What you know, however, is how far short you, and life, fall below expectations. It feels like a personal failure and total fuck-up, which, to every degree, is wrong.
In addition, neurological illness can have a direct effect on the parts of your brain that control rage and pleasure. You can be doing all the right things—and are, from the sound of it—and still feel explosively miserable, not because you’re reacting to illness, but because of your illness.
So, it’s no surprise that Parkinsons has left you madder’n hell, and I don’t see why you should expect that to change. You were happy when you were firing on all cylinders; now you can’t, and you’re not, and you’re not the kind of person to get over it, at least not completely.
That said, ask yourself what else makes your life meaningful other than doing the things you love to do and being happy. What seems to matter to you is doing the most with what you’ve got and, I would guess, helping others and being a good friend to those you care about.
You’ve probably thought of this, but I bet you’d be of particular help to other people with neurological illness who struggle with anger. In the beginning, it might help you to know that you aren’t alone and that there are good, respectable people who feel the same way and can’t help it.
As time went on, you’d also come to appreciate how hard it is for someone to do the good, constructive things you’ve done, particularly when the anger won’t let up. Then other people would take hope from seeing what you’ve done. It might not be as good as one of your “plan A” hobbies– it’s probably better.
You might even find yourself specializing in helping those who are really, really angry. Hey, a lot of us get into this business for similar reasons, and that’s why we get as much out of it as our patients do.
So don’t “get a grip,” get a posse. And then maybe, if it appeals to you, a practice.
STATEMENT:
“I wish I could achieve a little serenity about my chronic illness, but I can’t, so I’ll try to be serene about my rage instead. I’ll try to continue to do good in this world, even if I can never feel good, and take pride in the way I fuckin’ bear this fuckin’ burden.”
I hate my wife so much it’s hard to live with her or remember what a good marriage we used to have. In the old days, she was wonderful at throwing parties and having fun and buying me beautiful presents, and we traveled everywhere. Then, after an unfortunate financial wipe-out, she became a miser and a nag. She doesn’t mind living on less; she does volunteer work and is happy with her hobbies. I, on the other hand, feel like life has become miserable and I’ve lost my best friend and she doesn’t understand or care how I feel. I’ve also cut back on spending and I work pretty hard; and, shortly after this crisis, I discovered I’m bipolar and I’ve learned how to manage my mood swings pretty well, but there are times I can’t stop myself from snarling at her and wishing she was dead. I hate feeling this way.
Anger is a kind of agony, unless you have some hope of smiting your tormentor or achieving some kind of relief/release, in which case you have a lust that is usually stronger than lust (and no fear of the criminal justice system).
The trouble is, anger is everywhere and unavoidable unless you’ve been lobotomized; irritability is a common symptom of mood swings, both highs and lows, and that’s excluding the many uncontrollably irritating things that can happen to you.
So it’s no wonder that the main reason many people see shrinks is to get over their rage. In the words of the preacher in The Big Chill, “I’m angry and I don’t know what to do with my anger.” I don’t know what to do with it, either, but I don’t mind being paid to think about it.
Between your bipolar mood swings, and your need for excitement (which is part of having bipolar mood swings), you’re bound to feel angry, particularly if you have to rein yourself in. You’re the object of a double reining: from an exhausted bank account and mood stabilizers. In other words, you’re double fucked.
Then again, remember the main reason most of us get married– to have someone to blame. As such, it’s very hard for you not to hate your wife, which brings up another positive observation: your hate hasn’t stopped you from doing many good things, like working hard, trimming your budget, and sticking with your wife. You’re suffering and whining, but doing (most of) the right things.
If you think you’re supposed to be happy, given your temperament and budget, then think again. If, however, you know you’re cursed, then you can really appreciate the unexpected strength you’ve shown. You haven’t let your anger push you into drugs, sloth, or running away.
So take it up one more level. Respect what you’ve done, and use your self-respect to bottle up your anger a little more, and treat your wife better. You may well recover some of that good old chemistry if you can trim the nasty behavior (and accept a trimmed down budget).
STATEMENT:
“I miss the good old spending days and feel hopeless and angry when I have to think of living on a budget and never spree-ing again. I wish my rage would ease up; but that doesn’t seem to be in the cards. So I’m proud that I’ve stuck with my values, no matter how bitter I feel, in most areas of my life; and I wish I could stick with them in the one relationship that is most important to me and that, unfortunately, has absorbed the brunt of the anger I can’t express elsewhere.”
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 8, 2010
Sometimes asking questions over and over again is a good way to avoid the fact that you already know the answers, you just don’t like them. The answers are probably bad news that require you to live with pain, but by refusing to accept them, you don’t postpone that pain, just force yourself to keep living with the same problems with the added extra of uncertainty and compound pain interest. It’s better to take the answer you don’t want and face the truth bravely, even if the truth is that you’re fucked.
–Dr. Lastname
I take medication for my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and every night, when I take my pill, I wash it down with a couple of beers. My OCD takes the form of compulsive worrying about my health, or the possible bad effects of things I’ve done, and it’s partially prevented me from practicing law. I know you’re not supposed to drink when you take meds like this, but the beer helps me sleep, and my OCD hasn’t gotten worse with the booze. Still, I know it’s a bad idea, and while my primary care physician and my psychiatrist have said it’s OK, they seem a little doubtful. At the same time, they can’t point me to any definitive articles on the subject. My goal is to get you to give me an answer that will make me comfortable.
If your OCD is worrying compulsively about your health, and you’re searching for a definitive opinion to help you stop worrying about your health…surely you see how you’re putting the symptom before the horse.
You already know that the comfortable feelings you get from experts’ answers don’t last long; they can seldom stand up to new doubts prompted by afterthoughts, things you’ve read, and the general mental itch, I’ve-got-to-check-things-over-again-OCD feeling.
Comfortable is not an option. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 18, 2010
To paraphrase Homer Simpson’s thoughts on alcohol; for the depression-prone especially, fear is the cause of, and result of, all of life’s problems. When you’re afraid, it seems like you’re losing control, and nothing will work unless you get it back, which will just dig you deeper. Life can and will always take away your control, so your job is to forget control and preserve your values using whatever you have, regardless of result. You may not be able to cure yourself of depression, alcoholism, or anything else that ails you, but you shouldn’t hide and give up. Remember, to further paraphrase Homer Simpson, the answers to life’s problems aren’t found through control, they’re found on the internet.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve been so depressed I can barely get out of bed, so at this point, I’m willing to try medication. The problem is, none of the pills I try seem to work for me, and some of them make me feel worse. One antidepressant made me dizzy, and another one my doctor recommended is said to cause weight gain, and another sometimes causes a severe rash. I’m desperate, but there’s got to be a way to feel better without a fucking rash. I need something that will work without doing me serious harm.
If you’re looking for an antidepressant that’s sure to help and has never caused harm, stop your search now. Like cold fusion, unicorns, and a good Joel Schumacher movie, such a pill doesn’t exist.
Refusing a medication because it makes you gain weight is like skipping chemotherapy because of possible hair loss. Expecting too much from antidepressants, or any medication, can paralyze you and prevent you from getting the actual help they might be able to provide.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on September 30, 2010
There’s something about the decision to take or not take medication that makes people very reactive to feelings, both theirs and others, instead of just weighing the important stuff, like the risks, their symptoms, etc. The only good way to make medication decisions is to think about what will happen to you without them and decide for yourself what will do you the most good. Until the day others can feel sick on your behalf, their reactions to your own carefully thought out medical choices shouldn’t come first.
–Dr. Lastname
Given all my issues, I’m not doing so badly, although it’s true I have a $400/week speed habit. Even with that though, I’m doing well at a demanding, high-powered job, meeting all the overtime demands, and then, at quitting time, when I’ve gotten paid and don’t want to feel bored or alone, that’s where speed comes in. A few years ago, I had a crazy, manic mental breakdown and they started me on medication, which I’ve taken regularly, but I’ve been doing fine ever since, my mood is great, the speed hasn’t bothered me, so I don’t see why I can’t start cutting back on the meds. That’s my goal: to feel OK without meds.
Whether it’s bad for you to use speed or stop your bipolar medications depends a lot on what you believe you need for your future survival, assuming that you care about it.
Since I don’t think that’s a safe assumption, let’s assume you’ll at least consider caring about it after you read my response.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on August 30, 2010
Someday, people with psychiatric problems will get safe, effective treatment without having to make difficult choices, and Thanksgiving dinner will come in a pill, and jetpacks will be available cheaply for every man, woman and child. For now, the state of the art is much better than it’s ever been, but it’s still primitive, and it certainly isn’t inexpensive. Until the silver bullet for curing mental illness is found, patients have to make innumerable tough decisions for themselves, weighing everything from side effects to costs. Or they can just bide their time until their jetpacks arrive to make everything better.
–Dr. Lastname
I decided recently to listen to my friends and family and see a psychiatrist about my depression, but I don’t know whether I’ve made the wrong decision, or whether I’ve just chosen the wrong doctor. Basically, I decided to get help because I feel helpless, but my doctor wants me to do a lot of the work myself and doesn’t really help that much. It’s not just he wants me to ask myself a lot of questions (and answer them—if I had the answers, would I really be paying him?—but also deal with my insurance company and read up on the medication he suggests (he tells me about them, sure, but he says I owe it to myself to read up on them on my own, and that doesn’t make sense to me since he’s a doctor, knows everything about the pills, and he could just tell me himself). My goal is to figure out whether therapy is worth it, or whether I’m just getting help from the wrong source.
I hate to sound like your psychiatrist, but ask yourself what you have a right to expect from treatment, given what you know about its limits and your resources for paying for it.
If you want, you can spin things positively by saying that you’ve heard about good new treatments that can really help and that you’ve got great insurance that you pay a ton of money for. Of course, you’d probably be full of shit.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on August 19, 2010
Will power is a lot like Sarah Palin; for all the credit and attention it gets, it actually rarely accomplishes much of anything. The truth is that eating and the self-hate it causes are a major challenge for most of us, and it never, ever stops. Holding yourself or others responsible will seldom improve your control, your weight, or your relationships. The best way to deal with weight issues is also a lot like how you deal with Sarah Palin: accept that they won’t go away, and don’t let your feelings ruin your appetite.
–Dr. Lastname
I am a divorced 26-year-old (I have been divorced for almost 5 years). My marriage was a toxic abusive relationship. Regardless of that, I feel “happy,” I have realistic career goals, a loving family and boyfriend. Everything adds up, but I feel as though my happiness is a mirage. I’m happy with everything and everyone but myself. I just never add up to what I feel I should be or can be, especially when it comes to the number on my bathroom scale. I feel as though I will never be thin enough. I know it is unnatural to feel this way, being that I’m thin for my height, but I worry I am spinning on the edge most days looking at nutrition labels and focusing on the number of the day. How can I over come this mind game? Why did it bloom so late after my divorce? Is it even from my divorce or was this monster seeded a long time ago?
Most people aren’t happy with the way they look or how much they weigh, and all people spend at least a little time each day being unhappy, but many still manage to live normal, albeit slight chubby/grumpy lives.
As to the source of your insecurities, your guess is as good as mine and the many other scientists, clinicians, and desperate-for-a-topic writers who explain this phenomenon. It could be your ex, or it could reading too much Cosmo.
These experts assume, for the most part, that you wouldn’t be so self-critical if you didn’t listen to magazines, celebrities, or your critical-yet-well-meaning grandmother, and just believed in your self. They tell you that self-esteem will conquer all. Of course, they’re wrong.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on August 9, 2010
Whether it’s wishful thinking, fear, or a powerful sales pitch from the church of Scientology, we have lots of emotional reasons for shutting down our logical minds when we have to make medication decisions about psychiatric illness. The good news is that, while those decisions should be made carefully, they’re not rocket science. The bad news is that it requires more courage than brains (or Thetans) to be a good manager of your own health.
–Dr. Lastname
I recently started going to a doctor for my depression. She thinks I should take pills, I’ve seen lots of articles about how antidepressants don’t work and the main reason they’re prescribed is because of the huge investment that big pharmaceutical companies have made in producing and marketing them. It makes sense to me that there are better natural, holistic solutions that get played down by the medical establishment because they can’t make money for anyone and threaten the profits made by those companies. My goal is to find treatments that work best, not the treatments that server the corporate interests.
The problem with most criticism of current drug treatments is its hopefulness; it implies that there are good, effective, cheap and low-side-effect treatments for depression (that are being suppressed). If only principal clause of that statement were true.
Sure, a magic bullet, holistic or otherwise, would be great (there are lots of other unsolved and incurable problems I can work on, so I’m not worried by the hit my business will take).
The truth is, however, that current treatments are time-consuming, weak, often costly, sometimes risky, and not guaranteed to work
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