Thems The Brakes

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 3, 2011

Pride comes before the fall, and the fall is sometimes into a prolonged depression, which, to mix metaphors, can lead to a lengthy winter of discontent. No matter how much you deserve to be confident in a job well done at work, there are uncontrollable things that can put the brakes on your momentum or just stop you from doing excelling work. One of the major sources of stalling is the aforementioned depression. That’s when you either find a more solid source of pride or start seeing yourself as a failure, and you know what we advocate. Real excellence is accepting your best work when it’s not excellent, and real pride comes with healthy expectations and is fall-free.
–Dr. Lastname

After 5 years of facing up to issues with PTSD after a sexual assault, depression, anxiety and feeling generally emotionally disconnected, I felt that I made progress. As a creative person, I was stuck in a job surrounded by other artists but not creating anything myself. I left my job last autumn and set myself up as a freelance artist and have been working hard at being pro-active. I have been ignoring the signs of depression since last November, maybe earlier. I am doing the bare minimum just to support myself but over the past month or so I have been sinking down further and further. I feel like a failure to be back at this place again. In the past I have taken anti-depressants but they cut all creative flow off and I just can’t do that again, it’s the only thing holding me together at the moment. I cried last night for the first time in 9 years at the sheer frustration of not moving forwards and not being the artist I want to be. I’ve kind of given up on the idea of having the things normal people do like family (have no contact with my own), so I do tend to define myself by my art. My goal is to be brave enough and good enough to create the work that I feel is inside me without sabotaging or running away.

One of the dangers of being an artist is that you may gain too much confidence in your control over creativity. Sometimes, you feel the muse. Most of the time, you feel the misery.

When you feel inspired, you define yourself by your art, despite the lack of control you have over it. Creative types are in the unique position where talent and productivity don’t necessarily go hand-in-hand. When the former outweighs the latter, problems ensue.

When you do have success, it just raises you expectations, and all the lesser achievements will tell you you should have done better. It’s times like these that make you want to become a dental assistant.

No matter how creative you are, you’re just as vulnerable as everyone else to getting whacked by the bad things in life, like sexual assault and depression. Actually more so, because creativity depends on your using parts of the brain that are often crippled by depression, whereas paper-pushing requires nothing more than an ability to show up, categorize, and walk upright.

So instead of expecting to cure your PTSD and/or depression, or to push out creativity on demand despite the state of your brain, ask yourself how to live with what you got.

First, stop seeing your creative drought as a failure, because that’s a good way to get more depressed and create even less. You’ve survived 5 years of low energy and reduced creativity and still made a living, so respect yourself for that.

See a therapist or guru or positive friend and learn how to keep your thoughts from becoming tainted by depression’s toxic waste. Depression will poison your memories and tell you all your achievements are meaningless and your life is hopeless, but only if you give it the chance. Instead, keep busy with friends, exercise, home improvement, you name it. Think less and do more, even if what you’re doing isn’t art.

Then decide for yourself whether, in spite of all the good, low-risk, non-medical treatments, you still find yourself in enough trouble to justify the higher risk of medication trials. It doesn’t matter whether you dislike medications, needles, and doctors. The only thing that matters in decisions like this is what you think is the lesser evil; depression vs. medication, because the depression is always going to be lurking. Then again, so is the muse if you give it a chance.

In the end, whether the depression disappears or hangs on, define yourself as a creative person waylaid by depression, and not as a failed artist; and as artists go, you’re not alone.

When depression slows you down, it’s a major achievement to keep going, make a living, and hold on to your friends. Even if you give up art for cleaning teeth, the only thing you’ve failed to do is surrender.

STATEMENT:
“I feel I’ve created nothing of value and have no reason to respect myself as an artist, but I know I can’t help the depressed, paralytic way I feel. Given the way I feel, I’ve done a lot. There’s pain in losing my artistic mojo and watching the rest of the artistic world pass me by; but that’s life. I bear the pain, do my best, and wait for a chance to do more.”

I saw you mention something called post-depressive stress disorder, and it seemed like something I could possibly have. Eight years ago, I had a major depressive episode that lasted for probably 2 years. I was diagnosed with depression, general anxiety disorder, and OCD. Now, I’m a mostly happy person and cope pretty well with difficulties, except that I’m far less productive than I used to be. I’m in my last year of law school, and whereas I used to be a real perfectionist, now I’m mostly content to get average grades. However, I do find it hard to motivate myself to do school work. And I find it especially hard to do general life maintenance stuff that’s not part of a daily routine, e.g. filing taxes, renewing a driver’s license, mailing in medical receipts to get reimbursed, etc. Often times I don’t manage to get those things done on time. So, my question is, assuming I do have post-depressive stress disorder, is there anything I can do about it?

Usually, when people say they’re desperate to do something about a painful condition, they think they’re willing to accept any improvement when, in reality, they’re desperate for a cure and can’t think of anything else.

Being perfectionistic makes things worse. It’s a great strength when you’ve got a project to do that’s actually do-able, but when it’s not, or you’ve got too many things to do and not enough time, it can make you feel like a failure, even when you’ve done everything humanly possible. Depression can stop you col, and then perfectionism makes you colder.

I suspect that, if I asked you what your goal was, you’d say you wanted to be able to organize and motivate yourself the way you used to. I’d tell you, dear grasshopper, that the river can’t flow backwards, and, understandably, you’d get irritated.

So forget about feeling motivated, organized and energetic; there’s no cure to depression or its permanent symptoms. That doesn’t mean there isn’t anything you can do about the problem, but only if you begin by accepting that the one thing you can’t do is make it go away.

Instead of seeking a cure, begin rehab. Talk about your inner slacker, and ask for help from your friends or maybe a coach. Learn organization techniques and use technology, like smartphones, to compensate for your avoidant behavior. See if caffeine or other medications can help.

Don’t define yourself by your productivity, any more than the artist above should define himself by his/her art. Stop waiting around for a cure, embrace your slower pace, and learn to make it work.

STATEMENT:
“I hate the fact that I no longer reach for excellence. I feel I’ve lost the one thing about myself I was most proud of. I know, however, that I do not control that loss. I respect myself for experiencing the pain of non-excellence and not giving up. My organizational abilities may be mediocre, but my effort to manage them well will never be.”