Thems The Brakes
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 3, 2011
Pride comes before the fall, and the fall is sometimes into a prolonged depression, which, to mix metaphors, can lead to a lengthy winter of discontent. No matter how much you deserve to be confident in a job well done at work, there are uncontrollable things that can put the brakes on your momentum or just stop you from doing excelling work. One of the major sources of stalling is the aforementioned depression. That’s when you either find a more solid source of pride or start seeing yourself as a failure, and you know what we advocate. Real excellence is accepting your best work when it’s not excellent, and real pride comes with healthy expectations and is fall-free.
–Dr. Lastname
After 5 years of facing up to issues with PTSD after a sexual assault, depression, anxiety and feeling generally emotionally disconnected, I felt that I made progress. As a creative person, I was stuck in a job surrounded by other artists but not creating anything myself. I left my job last autumn and set myself up as a freelance artist and have been working hard at being pro-active. I have been ignoring the signs of depression since last November, maybe earlier. I am doing the bare minimum just to support myself but over the past month or so I have been sinking down further and further. I feel like a failure to be back at this place again. In the past I have taken anti-depressants but they cut all creative flow off and I just can’t do that again, it’s the only thing holding me together at the moment. I cried last night for the first time in 9 years at the sheer frustration of not moving forwards and not being the artist I want to be. I’ve kind of given up on the idea of having the things normal people do like family (have no contact with my own), so I do tend to define myself by my art. My goal is to be brave enough and good enough to create the work that I feel is inside me without sabotaging or running away.
One of the dangers of being an artist is that you may gain too much confidence in your control over creativity. Sometimes, you feel the muse. Most of the time, you feel the misery.
When you feel inspired, you define yourself by your art, despite the lack of control you have over it. Creative types are in the unique position where talent and productivity don’t necessarily go hand-in-hand. When the former outweighs the latter, problems ensue.
