Posted by fxckfeelings on July 25, 2011
Most times, people assume they have values if they want to do good and punish the wicked. You should know, however, that, since punishing the wicked feels good, it probably isn’t good for you (or for anyone). Real values take into account the fact that many good deeds end up badly, and doing the right thing is often frustrating because you can’t control how it turns out. Still, if you stay true to what you think is right, no matter how it feels in the short-run, you might not feel good, but you’ll feel good about yourself.
–Dr. Lastname
A lot of your responses seminal components point to having the questioners turn their attention to their ‘values.’ Can you please elucidate a bit on how you define said values with regards to the context you utilize said term, as well as how to go about developing such a core set of values when one feels that he or she has none?
Values are whatever make you feel like a good person, aside from just feeling good because you’re feeling good (e.g. by enjoying what you’re doing, or having a good talk, or getting good feedback, or just being lucky).
In other words, there are lots of perfectly constructive ways to feel good that aren’t bad for your health, but they’re like a sunny day. They represent good luck, which means you don’t control them, and if you make it your goal to feel good, it’s like giving yourself responsibility for good weather. You’ll be sorry (and I’ll be working).
Values, on the other hand, have nothing to do with your luck and are under your control, because you can always try to do something you think is worth doing, whether you get it done or not. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 18, 2011
People who need people aren’t necessarily the luckiest people in the world (although therapists can count themselves lucky for the business they provide). Just because you need someone or something s/he represents doesn’t mean you wish them well or have the chemistry to be good friends, especially if you’ve latched onto a jerk. Sure, crushes can sometimes be satisfied, but only if you get very good at keeping them from controlling you or influencing the way you make decisions about the important people in your life. After all, one isn’t the loneliest number, and it doesn’t always take two, so sometimes people who think they need people are perfectly fine all alone.
–Dr. Lastname
I have been in therapy for 8 years, sometimes weekly, sometimes monthly or less, depending on life events and finances. My goal has always been to find some peace or grace in being me. I told this psychiatrist the first time I met with her that I “pattern like a duck,” meaning that I form strong and sometimes obsessive attachments. My attachment to her started that day and, this many years later, is still fierce and often painful. She is appropriately nonjudgmental and vacillates between thinking that the work for us is in this attachment and suspecting it’s a form of resistance. I can’t seem to focus on anything else for more than a couple sessions. I have read (obsessively) about attachments in therapy..,either to luxuriate in my own, or to get some understanding of what it is that has a hold of me and what it would take to get past it. Am I supposed to “work through it”? What does that look like? Am I supposed to ignore it? The only positive thing about this unspecified longing for her is that I have attached less to other “marks” during this time. Otherwise, I feel stuck. I think about just leaving therapy to get some distance from her and this dynamic, but I would rather just get over it. HELP (and thank you).
If you approach therapy with the goal of finding “some peace or grace in being me,” you’re in for a long, dependent journey with your therapist, mainly because, with a goal as loose as that, your journey has no real end.
This is the point, of course, where we say your goal is actually a wish, an ambiguous feeling not necessarily connected with your priorities or values. It’s a nice notion, but it’s not necessarily something you can control, and not something tangible enough for your therapist–or this therapist—to help you figure out. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 13, 2011
Very often, love gives you tough decisions and charming clichés. For example, better an old man’s darling than a young man’s fool. Or, to make one up, better a fascinating man’s lover than a dull man’s one-and-only. These days, the dilemmas apply equally to men and women, but the answer is the same. Accept the facts of age, character and biology before making your decision, remember that love doesn’t change people, you can’t get all that want, and clichés exist for a reason.
–Dr. Lastname
Is infidelity a sign of some problem in a relationship or just a natural and inevitable part of relationships? I feel it as a betrayal and my partner feels it has nothing to do with us and has no effect on our relationship. Is it possible to have a relationship between two people who feel differently about this issue?
There’s not much point in having a partner if you can’t count on him (and we’ll assume it’s a him); what doesn’t work for cops doesn’t work for civilians, either. First, however, you gotta figure out what you want to count on him for.
There are partners—admittedly, they’re rare—who have compulsively wandering weenuses but are reliable when it comes to covering the kids, the bank account, and your back. They won’t keep secrets from you, other than the tales of their penis’s travels.
It may be humiliating to be married to a guy like that, but the lifestyle and dinner table conversation may be worth it, particularly if he’s rich and famous. It’s fun to be king, and fun to hang out with him (at least until the press catches on to his shenanigans).
At least you know, from what they do, that it’s not personal. Your partner, for instance, is telling you that he is who he is, not that you’re not lovable. For you, relationships include monogamy, and for him, they don’t, no matter whom he’s partnering with.
So, as usual, the person you really need to consult is yourself. You want to know whether your heart can stand the strain, not to mention the ability of the rest of your body to fend off STDs. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 9, 2011
Nuclear meltdowns may poison the air and water for miles around, but, in terms of actual damage done, love is probably the greater environmental hazard because it affects more people, gives no warning, and can’t be doused by heavy water. We should give kids courses on “duck and cover” before exposing them to the seduction of dreamy romances, but until then, there are some ways to avoid the fall out. It’s not easy building a hazmat suit, but there are ways to do it if you still have possession of your personality after the exposure is over.
–Dr. Lastname
A year and a half ago, my ex-fiancé died suddenly from a heart attack. He was 38. We had broken up a year earlier, and it was a very messy break-up. He called my boss at work and told her I was trying to have her fired so I could steal her job, I walked away from most of my personal belongings when I moved out, and I walked away from my savings because we had a joint bank account. I went to the funeral and found out that while we were planning our wedding he was pursuing on-line long-distance relationships as well as inappropriate relationships with women in our city. A letter from one of the long-distance women was read out at the funeral. I can’t move past this. I have been dating a man for about 3 months now and he’s wonderful. I have a really hard time thinking positively, and every time we have an argument I think ‘worst case scenario’—that he will leave me. How can I think more positively?
First, begin with the idea that love is dangerous and some people are more vulnerable than others. We’ve called love a virus before, and sadly, your emotional immune system is impaired.
People love to say it’s important to “follow your heart,” but for people like you, that can be deadly; after all, those same people might say that “love is blind,” and when you’re helpless to love, following your blinded heart can lead you right off a cliff. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 26, 2011
People like to call one another on bad behavior, and, thanks to the likes of Oprah, think that such acts of “openness” are a good idea. What they’re forgetting is that most badly behaved adults want to behave that way, have their own reasons for thinking it’s OK, and are ready to behave even worse if confronted, threatened, or attacked. If you want to continue and/or improve your relationship with a badly behaved person, don’t give him/her an earful s/he doesn’t want to hear. Offer a proposal for a better way of behaving, your plan for making it worthwhile, and your intentions in case it’s declined. You can’t whip anyone into shape, but you may persuade someone to develop better manners, for their own reasons, on their own terms, in a now Oprah-free universe.
–Dr. Lastname
My crazy ex-wife’s bitterness and sabotage blocked me from seeing our son, but when he got to college and out of her grasp, I hoped that 20 years of patience was paying off and I could finally begin to revive a long interrupted relationship. I’ve tried to show how much I love him and want to help him, and I’ve looked for opportunities to give him gifts and take him on vacations. The trouble is, I’m beginning to feel that all he wants me for is money and that, otherwise, he either doesn’t care or is angry and suspicious. He asks for things, says thanks, and then disappears until he needs something else. If I ask him why he hasn’t been answering my calls, he gets huffy. My goal is to let him know that I won’t put up with that crap and try to make the relationship work the way it should.
The main barrier to a good relationship between you and your son isn’t your ex and all the lost years, but the fact that, according to your son, it’s your problem to fix, not his.
After all, whether you like/deserve it or not, you have a needy and untrustworthy rep, and at this point, you don’t know if it’s because he’s brainwashed, oblivious, or a jerk.
Time will tell, and the best way to make the best of what’s there, be it a good kid with bad ideas or a bad kid with bad ideas, is to keep your expectations low, your feelings to yourself, and your needs in check.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 2, 2011
As feelings go, love isn’t so problematic—you feel good, you act nicer to others, and if all goes well, it is truly “all you need.” Unfortunately, if you’re not careful, love can easily triggers negative thoughts and actions that lead to a whole heap of trouble and turn love from something fuzzy into “a battlefield.” If you can remember who you are and what you believe in, however, you can take risks on love without losing your sanity, and find something more compatible with reality than pop songs.
–Dr. Lastname
You’ve probably had a disgusting amount of questions like the ones I’m about to put towards you, and that’s another thing that annoys me—I’m a cliché. 17 months ago my boyfriend broke up with me, explaining that he was too young to be in a serious relationship. I know this is perfectly logical but I have never been able to get over it, even though I do understand his point of view. I am still very much in love with him. I know perfectly well that realistically no one really marries their first love, that realistically it wasn’t even a proper adult relationship but I feel as raw today as I did the day it happened. I’ve been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. I have regular nightmares about him. Last Easter I attempted suicide yet it failed. I’ve been sent to counseling, but I didn’t like it. I dropped out of university as I was too distracted and there is nothing I can throw myself into to make me forget it. The idea of him with someone else would kill me. I keep thinking to myself, I’m only 21 and I shouldn’t take this so personally and seriously but I do and I have no idea why. I know I need to wise up but I can’t.
Some say love’s like a drug, but we think it’s more like a (sometimes) innocuous mental illness; it doesn’t make you “crazy”—at least not necessarily—but it does give you weird thoughts, sometimes long after the relationship is over.
While those thoughts are hard to stop and easy to believe in, at least they’re not true. Like anxiety and depression, love has a weird way of keeping itself alive by changing the way you think and act, until it changes your beliefs. That’s when you’re in trouble.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 21, 2011
Love without trust is always a painful, combustible combination. If your partner does something to lose your trust, s/he’s got to get lost, no matter how much love remains, and you’ve got to learn your lesson and move on. If you can’t trust someone whose behavior is OK because your trusting feelings just won’t come, then maybe the pain is worse, because there’s nothing to learn and nothing to do. In either case, when the trust goes, acknowledge that you’re not going to get what you want and need to settle for the best possible disaster before everything blows up in your face.
–Dr. Lastname
My partner cheated on me while I was pregnant with our baby, and kept ME the secret. He told lies about me and told people that we were no longer together so that he could openly date the other woman. I’m struggling to stop thinking about it all, and the whole ordeal has triggered a particularly intense bout of depression and self-harm. I have hundreds of questions I feel I need answers to, but my partner is 100% unwilling to discuss the matter, seeing it as “dragging up the past”. My goal is to be able to get through the day without memories of the betrayal and the gossip that surrounded it intruding on my life.
When a guy hides his relationship with you when you’re pregnant, you don’t have hundreds of questions that need answers; you’ve got a few simple, sad, unpleasant answers that need to be accepted.
After all, you’re not doing a PhD in trying to understand him. That’s a waste of time and, like most inquiries into the sad “whys” of this universe, a sneaky way of avoiding acceptance.
You could see it as him not being that into you, but the reality is that he’s not into anyone, at all, except for himself. At this point, the only important question is one you have to ask yourself, and it’s figuring out what’s the right thing for you to do, regardless of what your should-be-ex might think.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 14, 2011
It’s hard to believe in yourself when the one you love rejects you, or even just rejects your motives when you’re trying to do right. If there’s no way to feel good unless you can correct him/her, yourself or the situation, forget about feeling good (duh) and decide for yourself whether doing something wrong and rejection have anything to do with one another (after all, sometimes, it’s really not you, it’s them). If they do, congratulations, you’re allowed to improve yourself. If not, prepare to reject a tidy resolution and stand up for yourself while carrying a broken heart.
–Dr. Lastname
I know it’s dumb to date a co-worker, but my ex works in a totally different department—we see each other around the office, but he isn’t my boss (although he was a boss). He’s also generally liked and respected by all, so nobody questioned my choice. We dated for 4 years, and just after we moved in together, he turned 45, freaked out, and said he couldn’t be with anyone. So now I’ve been dumped for no reason by a guy I have to still see all the time who everyone around me loves. It’s impossible for me to get over him, and I’m not leaving my job, so do I just have to wallow in it forever and never move on?
No one gets dumped “for no reason,” particularly when it’s by a 45-year-old guy who was 41 when he met you and had never been married. Do the math.
The only 41-year-old guys who are worth considering for anything other than a casual relationship are guys whose girlfriends died, fled the country, or turned evil, and, in spite of gross humiliation and rejection, the guy stuck around, trying to make it work.
Otherwise, it’s not just a case of “he’s not that into you,” whatever that means; it’s “he’ll never be that into anyone, ever,” other than himself. A lot of guys are like that, and they’re easy to spot since they’re the ones who are still unmarried at 45.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 6, 2011
When love goes sour but doesn’t go away, of course you want to find an answer that will set things straight, even if that means indicting yourself for crimes against your relationship that didn’t take place. As eager as you may be to plead guilty, don’t ever accept an indictment for love-crimes until you’ve given yourself a fair trial. More often than not, you’ll find your only crime is robbing yourself of your ability to move on.
–Dr. Lastname
For years (e.g. 9 years or more) our marriage has been almost completely sexless. Within the past few years, affection has largely gone out of the window too. Our relating is often bitter, and this happens in front of our poor 8-year-old son, too. I don’t think I can feel attracted to my husband again, even though I think we could be friends if he hated me less and trusted me more. My goal is to have a relationship with my husband that does not f*ck up our son, or a “healthy” separation from him which causes the minimum of damage to him (our son).
When affection and sex seem to have worn out of a marriage, you might immediately wonder whether or not the marriage is over. That, however, would be jumping the gun—a premature evaluation, as it were.
Before you go deciding a sexless marriage means no marriage at all, consider whether you’ve done all you should to fight marital fatigue.
That’s the fatigue that sets in from feeling like you’re carrying more weight than your spouse, letting him know, finding out he feels the same way, kindly offering to take over his job, and arguing to a standstill until things blow up again. It’s unavoidable in most marriages, at least those that do heavy lifting; after all, the main reason for marrying is to have someone to blame.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 4, 2011
When you were a kid and let your friends coax you into doing something stupid, your mother probably asked you if you’d jump off a bridge if your friends told you to. You were supposed to answer no, and that now applies not just to your snot-nosed childhood friends, but to everyone, including your spouse. It’s hard to remember that you have a right to make your own judgment when your significant other is very sure of his or hers, but listen to your mother’s advice: you’re not obliged to follow anyone blindly, especially now that you’re an adult. Learn to slow down and look at your own moral compass. After all, Mom also probably told you to look before you leap.
–Dr. Lastname
I wish I could be more tolerant of my girlfriend’s opinions. She’s very nice to me, but she gets bent out of shape by political events, or her neighbor’s activities, and then goes off on rants like a Fox commentator, and I just don’t like it. I don’t necessarily disagree with her, I’m just a peaceful girl who doesn’t like conflict. When I tell her I’m uncomfortable, she says she needs to be free to express her opinion and that I shouldn’t try to stifle her. My goal is to tolerate her personality better.
Some people say girls should be good listeners, and there are times listening is a virtue. Other times, you can lose yourself and wake up as Edith Bunker. You’ve already got an Archette.
Just because someone who is loud and full of strong opinions is nice to you doesn’t mean you have to listen when she wants to sound off. Listening should be a choice, not an obligation. After all, if a date treats you to dinner, you don’t have to put out. You also don’t have to eternally listen up.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
