Marriage of the Minds
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 4, 2011
When you were a kid and let your friends coax you into doing something stupid, your mother probably asked you if you’d jump off a bridge if your friends told you to. You were supposed to answer no, and that now applies not just to your snot-nosed childhood friends, but to everyone, including your spouse. It’s hard to remember that you have a right to make your own judgment when your significant other is very sure of his or hers, but listen to your mother’s advice: you’re not obliged to follow anyone blindly, especially now that you’re an adult. Learn to slow down and look at your own moral compass. After all, Mom also probably told you to look before you leap.
–Dr. Lastname
I wish I could be more tolerant of my girlfriend’s opinions. She’s very nice to me, but she gets bent out of shape by political events, or her neighbor’s activities, and then goes off on rants like a Fox commentator, and I just don’t like it. I don’t necessarily disagree with her, I’m just a peaceful girl who doesn’t like conflict. When I tell her I’m uncomfortable, she says she needs to be free to express her opinion and that I shouldn’t try to stifle her. My goal is to tolerate her personality better.
Some people say girls should be good listeners, and there are times listening is a virtue. Other times, you can lose yourself and wake up as Edith Bunker. You’ve already got an Archette.
Just because someone who is loud and full of strong opinions is nice to you doesn’t mean you have to listen when she wants to sound off. Listening should be a choice, not an obligation. After all, if a date treats you to dinner, you don’t have to put out. You also don’t have to eternally listen up.
Maybe your girlfriend feels that the targets of her outrage are so outrageous, and her injury so profound, no one should expect her to keep quiet and every true friend should join in her anger. That kind of person makes a good commentator, but a difficult friend.
Don’t buy her assumptions until you examine them yourself. You’re not obliged to go along because you’re together, or because she says so. You’re a peaceful girl, but you’re not a doormat.
Even if she’s right to be outraged, ask yourself whether loud outrage does her, or anyone else, any good. Usually, getting too angry for too long about something you can’t change makes you bitter and obsessed; you feel like a victim and see your opponents as selfish enemies. She wants you to join her against bad-guy foes, which isn’t healthy for either of you.
Instead of feeling obliged to listen and sympathize, cut off your turning-into-therapy sessions after you’ve given about as much as you’ve received (or charge her for your services). Add more listening if you think it will really do some good, but use your own criteria for deciding how much is enough. Don’t keep on listening because she believes she has a right to your ear. You’re her girlfriend, not the host of a political call-in show. And even they reserve the right to hang up.
If you need her to understand why you’re drawing a line, forget it, because you’ll just be inviting argument from a compulsive arguer. Once you’ve made up your mind, let her know you’ve reached your limit without requiring yourself to explain.
She can believe in whatever politics she wants to; all you need to believe in is your right to occasional silence. Hopefully, she’ll take the hint whether she agrees or not, and you’ll be movin’ on up (to a less contentious relationship) in no time.
STATEMENT:
“I don’t like to disappoint my girlfriend when she wants my support for her anger; but I believe in my right not to listen to complaints, even from friends and kids. Past a certain point, it’s a waste of time and I know when that time has come. If she thinks I’m wrong, that’s her opinion and I won’t argue about it; but I believe what I believe.”
I couldn’t get my marriage to work, and it’s partly my fault. My husband had a bee in his bonnet about moving to the country, and I didn’t really want to—the kids were settled in their school, I had a job I liked, and I knew he’d put a lot of pressure on me if I didn’t say yes—so I just said maybe. He kept on making arrangements until finally, I had to tell him I didn’t really want to go, and he accused me of being dishonest, and told me the marriage was over. Since then we live in different parts of the house since we can’t afford to divorce, (needless to say, the move never took place), and we both take care of the kids. My goal is to be more honest, because that’s what killed my marriage.
When you’re in conflict with someone you live with, it’s easy to assume that the fault lies equally between the two of you, in part because that makes you feel nice and tolerant and gives you the (false) hope that you can improve the situation by working on your own issues.
Unfortunately, accepting blame when you’re really not responsible may cost you your pride and ability to both make good choices and evaluate what those choices are.
You may even think that a willingness to accept responsibility is essential to good communication and self-improvement. Beware, however, that accepting responsibility based on feelings, pressure, and a desire for peaceful compromise (see above case) can be dangerous to your mental health.
For instance, if you accept the idea that your “dishonesty” is responsible for much of the family’s current unhappiness, your kids may also start to blame you, and everyone will live in fear of your husband’s judgments. A classic case of “good for my business, bad for you.”
Instead, ask yourself what criteria you’d use for judging someone else for the crime—dishonest foot-dragging—that you’re accused of. You’d factor in whether the person wanting to move his family had a reason that was in the family’s best interest, and was willing to listen to objections without retaliating. You’d wonder whether moving the family had been part of the original partnership contract.
In your case, you’re not describing your guilt in terms of blocking a move that would be good for the family or violating a previous agreement or causing the family harm; you simply angered your spouse, who happens to have strong ideas about what he wants to do and can’t accept you unless you’re in complete agreement with his wishes.
If that’s the way it is, the good news is that your crime is minor and you have nothing to apologize for. Sure, you could have been more forward sooner, but you probably held back because you knew that no matter when you said no, his reaction would be the same: my way or the highway. Or, at this point, the guest bedroom.
The bad news, then, is that your husband is not the accepting sort, there’s nothing you can do about it, and there’s no point in trying to patch things up when there’s no room to negotiate. You need to ignore his reasoning, decide how to make the best of divorced life, and stop taking the blame just because you’re the only one who will.
STATEMENT:
“My husband truly believes I screwed up our marriage, but I can’t see fault in what I did, and I know he doesn’t question his own rights and responsibilities. There’s no point in fighting or arguing with him. He’s a hard guy to live with. I’m proud, however, of my ability to live with him, and his blame, and still be a good woman who’s doing her job as a mother.”
