Posted by fxckfeelings on April 21, 2011
Love without trust is always a painful, combustible combination. If your partner does something to lose your trust, s/he’s got to get lost, no matter how much love remains, and you’ve got to learn your lesson and move on. If you can’t trust someone whose behavior is OK because your trusting feelings just won’t come, then maybe the pain is worse, because there’s nothing to learn and nothing to do. In either case, when the trust goes, acknowledge that you’re not going to get what you want and need to settle for the best possible disaster before everything blows up in your face.
–Dr. Lastname
My partner cheated on me while I was pregnant with our baby, and kept ME the secret. He told lies about me and told people that we were no longer together so that he could openly date the other woman. I’m struggling to stop thinking about it all, and the whole ordeal has triggered a particularly intense bout of depression and self-harm. I have hundreds of questions I feel I need answers to, but my partner is 100% unwilling to discuss the matter, seeing it as “dragging up the past”. My goal is to be able to get through the day without memories of the betrayal and the gossip that surrounded it intruding on my life.
When a guy hides his relationship with you when you’re pregnant, you don’t have hundreds of questions that need answers; you’ve got a few simple, sad, unpleasant answers that need to be accepted.
After all, you’re not doing a PhD in trying to understand him. That’s a waste of time and, like most inquiries into the sad “whys” of this universe, a sneaky way of avoiding acceptance.
You could see it as him not being that into you, but the reality is that he’s not into anyone, at all, except for himself. At this point, the only important question is one you have to ask yourself, and it’s figuring out what’s the right thing for you to do, regardless of what your should-be-ex might think.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on April 14, 2011
It’s hard to believe in yourself when the one you love rejects you, or even just rejects your motives when you’re trying to do right. If there’s no way to feel good unless you can correct him/her, yourself or the situation, forget about feeling good (duh) and decide for yourself whether doing something wrong and rejection have anything to do with one another (after all, sometimes, it’s really not you, it’s them). If they do, congratulations, you’re allowed to improve yourself. If not, prepare to reject a tidy resolution and stand up for yourself while carrying a broken heart.
–Dr. Lastname
I know it’s dumb to date a co-worker, but my ex works in a totally different department—we see each other around the office, but he isn’t my boss (although he was a boss). He’s also generally liked and respected by all, so nobody questioned my choice. We dated for 4 years, and just after we moved in together, he turned 45, freaked out, and said he couldn’t be with anyone. So now I’ve been dumped for no reason by a guy I have to still see all the time who everyone around me loves. It’s impossible for me to get over him, and I’m not leaving my job, so do I just have to wallow in it forever and never move on?
No one gets dumped “for no reason,” particularly when it’s by a 45-year-old guy who was 41 when he met you and had never been married. Do the math.
The only 41-year-old guys who are worth considering for anything other than a casual relationship are guys whose girlfriends died, fled the country, or turned evil, and, in spite of gross humiliation and rejection, the guy stuck around, trying to make it work.
Otherwise, it’s not just a case of “he’s not that into you,” whatever that means; it’s “he’ll never be that into anyone, ever,” other than himself. A lot of guys are like that, and they’re easy to spot since they’re the ones who are still unmarried at 45.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on April 6, 2011
When love goes sour but doesn’t go away, of course you want to find an answer that will set things straight, even if that means indicting yourself for crimes against your relationship that didn’t take place. As eager as you may be to plead guilty, don’t ever accept an indictment for love-crimes until you’ve given yourself a fair trial. More often than not, you’ll find your only crime is robbing yourself of your ability to move on.
–Dr. Lastname
For years (e.g. 9 years or more) our marriage has been almost completely sexless. Within the past few years, affection has largely gone out of the window too. Our relating is often bitter, and this happens in front of our poor 8-year-old son, too. I don’t think I can feel attracted to my husband again, even though I think we could be friends if he hated me less and trusted me more. My goal is to have a relationship with my husband that does not f*ck up our son, or a “healthy” separation from him which causes the minimum of damage to him (our son).
When affection and sex seem to have worn out of a marriage, you might immediately wonder whether or not the marriage is over. That, however, would be jumping the gun—a premature evaluation, as it were.
Before you go deciding a sexless marriage means no marriage at all, consider whether you’ve done all you should to fight marital fatigue.
That’s the fatigue that sets in from feeling like you’re carrying more weight than your spouse, letting him know, finding out he feels the same way, kindly offering to take over his job, and arguing to a standstill until things blow up again. It’s unavoidable in most marriages, at least those that do heavy lifting; after all, the main reason for marrying is to have someone to blame.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on April 4, 2011
When you were a kid and let your friends coax you into doing something stupid, your mother probably asked you if you’d jump off a bridge if your friends told you to. You were supposed to answer no, and that now applies not just to your snot-nosed childhood friends, but to everyone, including your spouse. It’s hard to remember that you have a right to make your own judgment when your significant other is very sure of his or hers, but listen to your mother’s advice: you’re not obliged to follow anyone blindly, especially now that you’re an adult. Learn to slow down and look at your own moral compass. After all, Mom also probably told you to look before you leap.
–Dr. Lastname
I wish I could be more tolerant of my girlfriend’s opinions. She’s very nice to me, but she gets bent out of shape by political events, or her neighbor’s activities, and then goes off on rants like a Fox commentator, and I just don’t like it. I don’t necessarily disagree with her, I’m just a peaceful girl who doesn’t like conflict. When I tell her I’m uncomfortable, she says she needs to be free to express her opinion and that I shouldn’t try to stifle her. My goal is to tolerate her personality better.
Some people say girls should be good listeners, and there are times listening is a virtue. Other times, you can lose yourself and wake up as Edith Bunker. You’ve already got an Archette.
Just because someone who is loud and full of strong opinions is nice to you doesn’t mean you have to listen when she wants to sound off. Listening should be a choice, not an obligation. After all, if a date treats you to dinner, you don’t have to put out. You also don’t have to eternally listen up.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on March 21, 2011
If trauma leaves you with bad feelings, then of course you want to get over it. The problem is that, unfortunately, you were traumatized, not, say, irked. And trauma, by nature and/or definition, haunts you to one degree or another for an extended period of time and doesn’t necessarily pass. If you expect it to go away, like a slight ribbing would, you might get lucky. More probably, however, you will blame yourself for not being able to “get better” and make that trauma worse. If you wind up with trauma, then expect trauma, and learn to manage it. Being told to ignore it doesn’t mean making the memory go away; it means acting as if it wasn’t there. And if we’ve irked you, well, at least it’ll pass.
–Dr. Lastname
I didn’t have any serious injuries after falling off some scaffolding, but I began to have nightmares and the thought of returning to work gave me anxiety attacks. So I took a medical leave, saw a therapist, and got some medication and now I’m much better, but I’m still far from 100% recovered and the thought of climbing a ladder still makes me feel like I’m going to have another attack. So I’m wondering whether to extend the leave until I feel better—I don’t know how long my disability insurance will cover this—or find something else to do, and it’s hard to make a decision when I don’t know whether I’m ever going to feel better. My goal is to feel well enough to make a decision.
Severe anxiety makes sissies of everyone. The primal part of your brain thinks it’s doing you a favor; it’s the part that says fire bad, sun hot, sex yay. Now it’s saying, ladders evil, followed by, run!
Meanwhile, anxiety attacks are so painful, the thing you’re most afraid of is having one again, the very thought of which makes you anxious, which feels like you’re about to have another. Your brain’s protecting you in a hellish spiral.
The scary thing you need to accept up front is that your anxiety, and your anxiety about anxiety, may never go away. If you think you’re supposed to make it go away, you’ll be more discouraged when you can’t; if you climb the ladder while telling yourself it will never happen again, you’re putting yourself into danger. That’s the kind of hope and optimism that will get you into trouble.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on March 14, 2011
When someone expects a lot from you, it’s supposed to be a sign of respect; they think you’re capable enough to achieve great things. A lot of the time, however, it’s just a reflection of their false hopes and laziness, because they want you to be able to do everything they can’t do, the generally impossible, the dishes, and everything in between. If you accept their overly-optimistic assumptions, you’ll also share their frustration, guilt, and maybe blame. Don’t start helping before giving careful thought to what’s really possible. Then figure out a positive way to share the bad news…in the most respectful way possible.
–Dr. Lastname
It was just starting to look like my 25-year-old son had found some happiness and confidence when, bang, he had a bad motorcycle accident, broke his leg, lost his contract job because he couldn’t do it, and slipped back into the depression that has dogged him (and the rest of the family) since he was a teenager. He’s a good kid who managed to finish college in spite of dropping out a couple times because of depression, and now, to see him lying around the house, declaring that he’s just another “failure to launch,” is breaking my heart. My goal is to help him feel better about himself and life.
We’ve talked a lot recently about how some people have difficulty getting motivated after a long depression, but when you are depressed, you actually have tremendous motivation…to see your world as being shit.
Depression gives you the power and motivation to refuse to see it any other way. Even when depression isn’t in the cards, it’s hard to convince someone who’s feeling down that they’re wrong.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on March 10, 2011
Families are forever, just like diamonds and herpes, so it’s natural to want to change family relationships when they’re excruciating or failing apart. Everyone assumes that our best tools are communication and understanding; for some reason, we hold to this belief, even as repeated efforts to communicate and understand have made relationships worse. Whether a relationship is supposed to last for years or not, learn to accept it as it is. Then your plans will become more effective, but, like diamonds and herpes still, that relationship will remain hard, and there will be flare-ups.
–Dr. Lastname
My father asked me to write this letter for both of us. I was forced to move into my father’s one-room apartment and live with him after I lost my job and ran out of money (I’m 40). I’m grateful he took me in, and I’m trying to make enough money to get out on my own again. In the meantime, we’re stuck with one another, and we can’t stop fighting. I want him to understand the fact that I can’t help having a terrible temper, being very distractible, and not having the energy to clean things up because I’ve been diagnosed with depression and ADD. He wants me to understand that it’s hard to put up with my being a slob and never cleaning up and that he can’t help getting furious. We both want to put an end to the hostility.
Asking for understanding from your father is a really bad way to try to reduce hostilities, and a really good way to increase them. And no, it’s not opposite day.
Sure, he’s your dad, but let’s dispose of the notion that parent-child relationships are always supposed to be perfect, and can and must be fixed if they’re broken. Just because you share blood doesn’t mean you should share an apartment or that you can expect to get along, if you do.
As for “fixing” your relationship…well, if your father was fixed, you wouldn’t be here, and that would be the best solution to your conflict. Otherwise, you’re his son, but that doesn’t mean you should be able to get along.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on March 7, 2011
Some self-help experts tell us that we control our destiny! All that does is make you feel responsible for things working out in the end, which is why your automatic response when that doesn’t happen is to figure out where you went wrong while feeling like a shitty, guilty mess. The truth is most big problems can’t work out in the end, particularly when they involve illness and aging, and the only thing wrong is that we’re living in a very, very tough world. Instead of asking where you failed, be proud of what you achieved despite being destined to suffer at nature’s whim.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve been very helpful and patient with my husband since he suffered brain damage after being hit by a car, but I’ve just about had it. Everyone in our families focuses on finding a new treatment for him, and we’re all happy that he’s recovered some functions and can now talk and stand up. The trouble is, I’m exhausted, I’ve got no time to go out and make a living, and he’s gotten into the habit of telling me what I’m supposed to do without a please, thank you or may I. My goal is to set him straight and let him know I can’t keep it up at this pace and that he needs to improve his tone.
Setting someone straight when he wants too much from you usually leads to a guilt fest; you make him feel guilty, he guilts you right back, and it’s a regular guiltapalooza.
You wouldn’t be knocking yourself out in the first place if you didn’t feel responsible and, yes, guilty for not doing more. Of course, you may be knocking yourself out doing things that are really, really necessary, but that’s unlikely. Guilt rarely works that way.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on February 28, 2011
Dealing with jerks is difficult, but being related to jerks is torture, especially when they’re the kind of jerk (genus: ASSHOLE) who thinks everyone else is a jerk but them. Luckily, no matter how closely related you are, you don’t have to share their beliefs or give them what they want. Still, you’re stuck with them, because, while maintaining a relationship sucks, the alternative is usually worse, so learn how to make the relationship no worse than it has to be. Keep your feelings to yourself, figure out your own standard of conduct, and hope the jerk gene dies with them.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve read my son’s Facebook and email (he left the stuff on the computer screen last time he visited), and he tells his friends he had a terrible childhood, and his parents are assholes. As his dad, my attitude is: Fuck him and his shit. Breaks my heart, but I paid over $100k for his school, and I’m not rich by any measure. His mother thinks we should be working to find out why we have this split. This is new since he went to college (now graduated and gainfully employed)– he’s an only child, now 25. I’d not have paid for his school if I knew what a sociopath he would become. He seems to want two separate lives, one we’re allowed to know about, and one we’re not, with the latter being where we are horrible folks and he was a poor abused kid that made his way up through some undefined poverty and difficulty. His mother and I are going to be divorced soon if we can’t resolve this. I want nothing to do with the ungrateful asshole, and she thinks I am a terrible father for not understanding he has a mental illness. He doesn’t acknowledge any problem, refuses to speak to us if there is any “drama.” In fact he wouldn’t return a call for three months. This is the only issue my wife and I have, but it is consuming us and we’re arguing continuously.
Before you get carried away reacting to your son’s blame, ingratitude, and nastiness, think of the goal you set for yourself when you decided to have a kid (assuming it wasn’t an incidental goal after “getting laid”).
Unless you’re foolish enough to believe in a father’s power to make his kid turn out right by bringing him up right, you know that bringing up kids is a crapshoot. (That’s why you should always hedge your bets by having more than one).
The only goal you can possibly set for yourself and your wife as parents is to do a good job and hope for the best. Like all parents, you probably had big dreams for him, and hey, so did Mama and Papa Gaddafi.
So you’re not alone in finding out that the kid you loved and nurtured sees you as an abuser. It’s life at its most unfair, but whether or not your spawn turns out to be a jerk just isn’t under your control.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on February 21, 2011
If you’re a hard-working woman who fails to achieve her ambitions, you probably want to eliminate whatever gets in your way, whether it’s sexism or an obstacle within your personality (all while being stereotyped as a shoulder-pad-wearing, stiletto-wielding, backstabbing she-beast). Don’t forget, however, that the most common obstacle isn’t evil co-workers or ill-fitting suits, but the irritating fact that life is hard and unfair, meaning it’s completely out of your perfectionistic control and power to eliminate. That’s why you can never let your definition of success depend on luck or outcomes, or judge yourself by how far you get. Instead, base your evaluation on what you do with whatever you’ve got, including bad luck, stereotypes, and fashion.
–Dr. Lastname
I am writing about my wife, who’s in her 50s. She is a very successful surgeon (one in a handful women head of dept. in her country), but she’s been very unhappy at work and I am writing you a), for advice on how I can help her and b), to ask if there is something I overlooked. She is unhappy since she has now twice been sidelined and been made to leave jobs where she worked very hard and believed she made a positive difference. In the first case, her department (one she build from scratch to become the largest in the region) was merged with another to meet international norms, but she was passed over to head the new, merged unit and was asked to accept half her salary (she refused and won a settlement in a lawsuit). In the second case she ran a department for a few years, then management decided to hire a new head as her senior and restrict her duties to exclude her specialties and personal preferences. She decided to stay, but even though she’s working hard, and numbers and patient reports say she is doing a good job, she not only does not receive recognition she craves, but sees her career and job threatened again. She cannot do her job halfheartedly, but she doesn’t have a sunny temperament and is hard on herself. Our children have moved away, and she and I work so hard we really only see each other on weekends, so there’s so much to put her happiness in peril. How can I help her? Why did she get demoted? Would fixing her work fix things or make them better?
Of course you’d like to spare your surgeon wife the unhappiness that goes with perfectionism and power politics. You love her, you want to see her happy, and you wish you could remove the pain the way she’d slice off a tumor.
Before I get to all the questions you’ve posed, however, you need to ask yourself one important thing—why or how you think sparing her such pain is possible.
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