Posted by fxckfeelings on January 23, 2020
Rushing into a close relationship, even if it’s just platonic, is always dangerous. Whether you’re racing to the altar or to a full calendar of hang outs and confessional conversation, taking the time to really get to know someone, beyond the immediate rush of chemistry, will save you from getting too close, too quickly with someone you’ll soon want to get away from. Here are five ways to save yourself from friending up too fast.
1) Avoid Early Oversharing
Just because you have an intense, immediate intimacy with someone that involves deep personal discussions instead of diving into bed, that doesn’t make your relationship potentially more solid or substantial. Getting too close to someone before you really know them will blind you to qualities you may eventually dislike and create an attachment that hurts one or both of you when you discover that, on a basic, less exciting level, your friendship just doesn’t work. Yes, knowing that you connect with someone makes it worthwhile to get to know them better, but under the right (or wrong) circumstances, quick connections can happen easily. So before you and this exciting new someone share life stories, take a step back.
2) Avoid Exchanging Emotions
The best way to get to know someone isn’t just by going slowly, but by finding out about who they are, not how they feel. Fact-based bonding doesn’t just allow you to share interests and life stories without getting emotionally involved; when you’re not flooded with feelings, it’s easy to see possible red flags of poor friendship potential. For example, if you find out that this person can’t keep a job, apartment, or even a cat for very long, odds are their friendship track record is equally stellar. Finding out the basic facts about someone can tell you tons about their strength and character without invading their privacy or creating premature intimacy.
3) Select Friends While Sober
From consuming record amounts of Flaming Hot Cheetos to singing the entire Little Mermaid soundtrack in public, being drunk or high makes a lot of things easier, including meeting people. But however much being intoxicated can reduce shyness or awkwardness, or make it pleasurable to socialize, it can also reduce your ability to be selective and careful while enhancing your impulsivity. Besides, people you can count on for a party can rarely be counted on for much else. Drugs and booze can make it easy to talk to people but much harder to get to know who they are or whether they’re worth getting to know in the first place.
4) Overcome Attractiveness
Aside from having too much to drink or too few boundaries, getting over-focused on attractiveness, either yours or the other person’s, is a good way to blind yourself to red flags and danger signs. Whatever makes someone attractive also makes it harder for people to see or judge them for who they truly are. So whether it’s due to charm, wit, wealth, charisma, or sex appeal—your own or others’—don’t allow attractiveness to control your choice of friends. On the contrary, how you get along when you or they are at your least appealing will tell you more about the power of your real friendship chemistry.
5) Bond Through Bad Times
Just as partying may make it too easy to connect with someone, having a fun-based friendship can fool you into thinking your bond is solid. Real friendships don’t just require work, they survive it, so test your friendship by working together, on a project or planning a trip, particularly during a time of personal hardship. Doing so will require you to define priorities, manage stress, demonstrate strengths and weaknesses, and match values and motivation. If you work well together, even when you’re tired and irritable, then your chemistry, and your friendship overall, are more likely to be stable. So seek opportunities to travel, cook, or assemble Ikea; if you can get through it intact, then you know you’ve found the real deal.
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 9, 2020
Lasting relationships based on instant connections are like positive news stories and quick-yet-healthy weight loss techniques; they’re so nice to hear about but so hard to believe they aren’t bullshit. Getting close to someone quickly feels wonderful, but like most good feelings, it isn’t necessarily good for you. And if the need for friendship drives you to become close before you really know someone, you are more likely to discover their bad or obnoxious side when it’s too late to back away without causing pain. Instead, develop your own ways for getting to know someone safely and slowly. That’s the only way to make a BFF without all the unnecessary pain and BS.
-Dr. Lastname
I have a very close friend who is driving me crazy! I’m not sure why but I feel as though everything she says is mindless and completely irritating. For example, she offered to lend me an upholstered chair for a work project. I know that was a nice thing for her to do, but it was the wrong color. And when I told her that it was the wrong color, she said I should “paint it,” which I’m pretty sure is nonsensical advice because it’s a chair, not a table, and if I try there’s a huge risk it will look like crap and be useless to both of us. The problem is that I know that she hasn’t changed at all during our friendship—she’s always been a little flakey—but my feelings towards her have, and I have no idea why. This has happened to me before with other people that I’ve been close to and I’m sick of it. My goal is to figure out why my feelings have changed and what can I do to stop being so irritable, because I’m tired of losing patience with her and losing friendships in general.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 4, 2019
Having crushes turn into obsessional attachments may seem like a bizarre weakness or psychiatric symptom that only happens to people who lack pride, insight, or self-respect (or like the premise to an excellent musical sitcom). In reality, such obsessive behavior can happen to anyone, but once it gets going, no amount of pride, insight, and treatment can make it go away. Nevertheless, if you are unlucky enough to have the kind of crushes that can crush your spirit and self-esteem, there’s no reason to let them ruin your life or to make you despair about your ability to ever find a healthy attachment. It just means you have to learn how to manage your attraction and obsessive impulses, no matter how powerful your emotions or ability to carry a tune.
-Dr. Lastname
So I’ve tried over the last few years to be close friends with someone that I was once involved with briefly. Our friendship’s had its up and downs, but I was managing, although “managing” isn’t quite what I was after. At a certain point he developed cancer; it now looks like he’s in the clear, but I was there for him every step of the way, and during the whole ordeal we expressed our love for each other constantly, hugged, kissed, and spent time together. Problem is, we were supposed to be platonic, but I never quite got past wanting him, and I’ve had a therapist talk to me about having attachment issues in general. So this guy and I are still friends, but hell has opened up least week because I asked for a firm commitment to get together over the weekend, after which I became obsessed, acted out, was anxious… something of a tidy mess. I know what I need to do and it hurts bad, but I also think I’ve made more progress with him faster now than ever before, so I dimly hope he and I salvage something. I’ve been searching for books, advice of relationships to figure out how I might heal faster, let go completely if need be, and learn how not to repeat the same mistakes again. My goal is to find some task-oriented technique for overcoming my obsession, or for dealing with my attachment issues overall, because as much as I want to keep my connection to him, I worry that I’m being an idiot by refusing to give up on what I want him and I to have.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 20, 2017
It’s easy to tell that someone’s a bad friend when, as with our reader from earlier this week, they make you feel lonely and bad about yourself. If you’re ever unsure about whether a friend is worth keeping or is actually a friend to begin with, here are five red flags of bad friendship to look for.
1) They Only Call In Case Of Personal Calamity
Unless your friend is in crisis and needs to talk, it’s up to you to reach out to them to try to make plans, often in vain. They do you the favor of giving you their best, cheeriest small talk as a prelude to their anguished confidences and wonder what else you could possibly want. If you’re friends with someone who thinks the conversation’s over when they’ve finished talking, then your friendship should probably be over as well.
2) They Share Feelings And Not Much Else
Between the two of you, you wind up doing more than your share of cooking, listening, and paying in the friendship. That may make you feel like a good, giving person almost all the time, but there’s a fine line between being a saint and a martyr, and either way, you don’t need a flock, you need a friend who will give as much to you as you give to them. Because if you need something for yourself from this person, you’ll just find yourself angry, not just at them but at yourself for feeling needy, frustrated, and more human than holy.
3) Your Pain Is Not Their Problem
If you’re low, unhappy and irritable, they don’t want to know, because, while their pain is a big problem, yours is merely an unwelcome distraction. If you assert your right to be heard, they wonder why you’re childish and ungrateful for the attention they’ve been giving you and the time you’ve spent together (even though you spent most of that time doing their bidding). If you can give this friend your time but not a piece of your mind, you’re getting screwed.
4) Your Complaints are Your Problem
As we’ve often said, love only means never having to say you’re sorry when one party dies of cancer before they get the chance. Bad friends, however, often operate under that assumption despite not having a fatal disease. So, while you believe in giving serious attention to a friend’s criticism and apologizing if you’ve caused pain, these guys have the confidence to know that they couldn’t possibly deserve your criticism and they’re helping you by letting you know that, if you have a complaint, you’re just humiliating yourself. Friendship, like love, means always being willing to say you’re sorry, and if they can’t offer that, you should be willing to walk away.
5) They Get Close As Quickly As They Move On
Lots of bad friendships get off the fast start; their openness is so appealing and flattering, and their problems so interesting, that it’s easy to get sucked in before you even have a chance to see this person isn’t so much a potential friend as a potential headache. So you didn’t notice that they don’t have old friends, just current play-buddies and people they once knew and were disappointed by. Unfortunately for them, once you can finally recognize that they’re not worthy of your friendship, you’ll soon be one of them.
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 6, 2017
It’s hard to knock the idea that being helpful to your friends is good for everyone, but when you’re always there to help and they only come to you in a crisis, that’s a good recipe for being used and becoming resentful. Even if being helpful will make you feel good about yourself in the short run and win you gratitude, it’s only worth it if you’re also mindful of your own needs and the character of the so-called friend requiring your assistance. Otherwise, your giving instincts can expose you to harm, exhaustion, and a whole bunch of other not-good stuff.
-Dr. Lastname
I’m a women in my 20s with a good tech job, but I feel like I’m always ignored by everybody, almost like I don’t exist. I do have many friends, but even they aren’t real with me— I feel that they don’t really care about me and are only good to me when they need something or need a shoulder to cry on. Then, when they feel better or have happy news to share, they find someone else to take it to, which doesn’t make any sense to me. I feel like everybody throws their problems onto me so they can go off and be happy, but I’m left here all alone to deal with the sadness on my own. My goal is to feel acknowledged and loved, not ignored and used. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 17, 2015
Part of what makes depression so powerful is that it doesn’t just wipe out your will to live internally, but pushes you to drive away the friends and partners that would help you fight back. If, like our reader from earlier this week, you feel like your depression is causing you to lose loved ones, here are five ways to keep your safety net intact and prevent a depressive period from damaging close relationships.
1) Nix the Needy
Select friends who aren’t overly sensitive or reactive, because somebody who always takes your random bad moods personally isn’t someone who’s going to stick around for very long (and will make you nuts with guilt in the process). Instead of straining your face (and brain) with a fake happy face, find friends who are comfortable with depressive symptoms and know how to roll with it.
2) Fly Your Sad Flag
Educate friends and family about depressive symptoms, particularly social withdrawal, sadness, and irritability, so they’ll know that what you’re going through is due to your disease and not their actions. Your message to them is, I’m not angry with you, I haven’t stopped caring, and I haven’t lost my appreciation for your jokes. What I have done is get stuck with this disease that occasionally makes me miserable and unpleasant.
3) Help them Help you
After outing yourself as a depressive, tell your loved ones what they can do to help when you feel down, so they don’t try too hard to cheer you up, get you to share your feelings, and generally make things worse (with the best of intentions). For instance, let them know not to take it personally when you cancel during dark times, but also that it’s helpful if they push you a little harder to get out of the house, despite your grouchiness.
4) Enforced Fun
Make it easier for your friends by preparing a list of those social activities that you believe are healthy and good for you to try doing when you’re depressed, even if you won’t feel at all like doing them and might not be at your most fun self while they’re happening. Then share it with your friends and ask them to help you create a social schedule when you’re down and hold you to it.
5) Emphasize Effort
Resist the depressive urge to find fault in yourself by comparing your social interactions while you’re depressed with what they are normally. Instead of noting how badly you’ve shut down, focus on the many steps you’ve taken to manage your depressive symptoms, including social withdrawal. Then give yourself credit for all the extra work they require and respect yourself and your friends for the value they place on your relationship, even when it’s no fun. You can’t control your dark moods, but with the right friends and approach, you can survive them intact.
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 15, 2015
Depression can make everything in your life seem worthless, so it’s shouldn’t be surprising if your negative thoughts infect those closest to you and convince them that your relationship is worthless as well. In reality, of course, depression doesn’t change the good things you’ve accomplished, just your perception of them; they’re just a set of bad feelings that will pass, but if the people around you are as convinced of your depressive thoughts as you are, then perception becomes reality. If, however, you can select friends who are relatively immune to the infection of depressive thoughts and good at remembering what they like about you, even when you don’t like yourself, you’ll have a better chance of coming through a bad depressive bout without losing the stuff that makes life worthwhile.
-Dr. Lastname
Everything feels pointless, from waking up to eating. My partner left me because, during a period when we were apart, I kind of shut down all emotions and capability for affection and she thought I didn’t love her anymore. Later, I realized it was the same behavior that my mother would display when she got her manic-depressive episodes and had to leave me for a few months at a time. And I didn’t see what had happened to me with my partner until it was too late. I didn’t realize I even did it as a kid. Now I have this insane pain in my chest all the time and I don’t see where I am going further in life and why to even bother with it…on top of that I think I have some problems with letting people come close to me to create a strong bond, given my history. My goal is to make sure that I never go back to shutting down my emotions like this when I have to be apart from any future partner, and also, to let go of the partner who left me, because I still want us to try again, but she will not. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 6, 2015
One of the greatest paradoxes of the human mind is that the people who hate themselves the most seek the most adoration from everyone around them (see: comedians, musicians, popularity-obsessed teenaged girls, etc.). Unfortunately, the most common self-treatments—addiction, exile, and/or rhinoplasty—are only slightly less successful than actual therapy, even when you know where your feelings come from and are well motivated to change them. Fortunately, however, no matter how much self-hate you feel or validation you seek, you can prevent those needy feelings from controlling your life, even if you can’t get rid of them.
-Dr. Lastname
I guess I would put my problem in the category of a self-un-acceptance— I don’t like that I’m constantly trying to make people like me. I would say that I am very quick to see and try to work on my flaws. I actively try to talk less and listen to others more, engage and be interested in those around me, support and understand others, make others laugh, smile more… I am a bit of a validation junky. I admit that my actions are sort of selfish in that I love to feel accepted by others, yet I never actually do feel that way. I’ve had many friends who basically say what others think is completely irrelevant, but I disagree— If everyone around you thinks you’re an asshole and has no interest in being near you, then that seems totally relevant and a good clue that you may need to do some self reflection/improvement. My concern, however, is that I take this to the extreme, and now I almost don’t want to be in social settings or meet new people for fear that they will be so annoyed by my mere existence. Is this a rational concern I should keep listening to, or should I wait to be worried about how bad I suck when someone says something? My goal is to figure out if I should I say f*ck the haters and embrace my neurosis, or vice versa.
When you identify yourself as someone who deserves rejection, just because you always feel rejectable, you give your feelings a power of judgment they don’t deserve. The haters aren’t your problem, your hateful thoughts are.
By your own account, your friends don’t reject you or tell you that you’re a jerk; that’s just your inner-hater talking. So it seems grossly unfair and unrealistic for you to judge yourself according to those feelings, just because they’re strong and persistent, when you haven’t carefully considered your self-criticism and consulted your inner-friend first.
Instead of pursuing validation like it’s a drug, draw up your own list of personal values and important qualities and decide whether your behavior is good enough to meet them. Include values like independence, being a good friend, doing your share, and working hard. Ignoring your feelings and focusing solely on your behavior, judge yourself as you would a friend, which means your standard is good enough, not perfect.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 25, 2015
What to say when you can’t let go!
Not surprisingly, ending an important relationship—be it with a person or even a job—usually stirs up negative feelings because the circumstances requiring the relationship to end are rarely pleasant, agreeable to all parties, or completely without alternatives and drawbacks. The way to make the best of moving on is to do your own assessment of whether it’s necessary and whether you lived up to your obligations and kept your promises before walking away. Then prepare a statement of your thoughts about the ending, omitting any mention of anger, doubt, or guilt.
Moving on is hard. Don’t make it harder by expressing all you feel. Make it easier for yourself and others by celebrating the positive and accepting what can’t be helped.
Breaking up with a boyfriend after not getting along for far too long
You must be able to assure yourself that:
- you can’t make the fighting go away by talking about issues with him, a shrink, or anyone else
- major, possible steps to make things better between you two, like cutting back on your hours at work or moving house, aren’t likely to be worth the hassle
- his good character traits and ability to function as a partner don’t outweigh the bad chemistry
Script: “You know how much I value our relationship and the many good things about you as a person, but after everything we’ve tried, I can’t see a way to stop the fighting, and I think it’s better for both of us to admit defeat and move on.”
Leaving a hated boss on not-hateful terms
You must be able to assure yourself that:
- you’ve done everything possible to make the relationship work well enough to make working there bearable.
- there’s no possible way to stay at the company under different management
- you’ve got a better opportunity or can survive unemployment
Script: “I’ve learned a great deal from this job and your leadership, and I’m sure what you’ve taught me will be of great help in my new position [without mentioning that what you’ve learned is how to survive a bad boss].”
Breaking up with a girlfriend who expects commitment you can’t deliver
You must be able to assure yourself that:
- her good character traits and ability to function as a partner don’t outweigh your belief you can’t give her what she needs in the foreseeable future
- you aren’t just panicking in the face of a possible (and terrifying) life-long commitment
- you will be strong enough to resist the urge to still see her occasionally and string her along
Script: “I know how happy we are together, but you’re looking for the kind of commitment that, sadly, I can’t provide, and I’d rather end things now before you get more invested and a separation would be even more painful.”
Distancing yourself from an alcoholic parent or sibling
You must be able to assure yourself that:
- providing him or her with close support doesn’t have enough positive impact on his or her health and welfare to justify the amount of pain and distress the relationship causes you
- you have made every reasonable attempt to get him or her to consider getting sober
- there is nothing you can do to change him or her, period
Script: There is no script at first you because you just have to distance yourself without declaring that you’re doing it or apologizing for it. Then, if he or she’s upset, say, “I know we’ve had so many good times together, but I need to focus more on my own well-being now by spending more time with kids/job/baking hobby, and I look forward to you getting more involved in those aspects of my life once you become sober and more independent.”
Distancing yourself from a friend who has gradually become someone you don’t like
You must be able to assure yourself that:
- there’s nothing positive or helpful you haven’t already said
- you’ve been a good friend and done your share; otherwise, try to even the scales
- s/he’s not going to change and that whatever you like about this friendship does not outweigh the dislike
Script: Again, forego an announcement in favor of just returning calls and messages less and gradually fading away. If challenged, say, “I think you’ve been a great friend, but chemistry sometimes changes, no matter what you or I might want, and I think right now we’re both better off spending more time apart.”
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 17, 2015
Many people seek therapy after dealing with Assholes. They come into appointments racked with guilt and anger, thinking they did something wrong, or think they can change the Asshole in question if they could just understand.
Among the wishes people express when they write to us or come for post-Asshole treatment are:
- To understand how a former best friend could become so mean and impossible to talk to
- To get back the relationship they once had
- To get through to someone who was once so close
- To get her to stop
But the truth is that sometimes avoiding Assholes in the first place is the best path to peace of mind. Here are our five best tried and true tips for avoiding Assholes in the first place, and therefore completely bypassing the drama they would surely bring into your life.
5 Tips to Avoid Assholes:
1) Learn Your Red Flags, Make Them Red Lights
Believe it or not, Assholes are very charismatic creatures; remember, they excel at selling cars, stocks, and all matter of bullshit. So if someone’s charming you but also mentions their horrible ex-wife (or wives), former friends, or evil family—and they’re not big on personal boundaries, so they will—politely excuse yourself and run for your life.
2) Rehearse Your Lines
If you’re forced to work or live with an Asshole with whom you’re just trying to avoid conflict and confrontation, the best way to stay safe is to stick to a script. Practice makes perfect and, if you must interact with an Asshole, knowing what you’re going to say protects you from being bullied, intimidated, or worn down.
3) Work Where Assholes Don’t
If possible, avoid working in fields like the arts, law, intensive volunteering or charity work, or really any job that’s highly competitive and punishing with huge personal reward for both the participant’s wallet and ego. Assholes like to feel like it’s them against the world, and if you enter their corner of the world, watch out.
4) At The First Sign of Anger, Play Dead
If someone you considered a friend turns on you/turns out to be an Asshole, you can still minimize the damage if you resist the urge to reason or struggle. As much as you want to reason with your friend, you have to remind yourself that your friend is gone, an Asshole wears her face, and passive resistance is your best bet.
5) Get Exposed and Inoculated Early
Since Assholes are an unavoidable part of life, try to learn as much as you can as early as you can. That way, you can just have the one Asshole girlfriend/boss/roommate who nearly ruins your life but also teaches you what to avoid in the future. You’ll never be free of Assholes, but, as we always say, you’ll be less likely to be shat upon.
