Posted by fxckfeelings on June 24, 2021
If, like your reader from earlier, you’re trying to stay positive about finding someone worthwhile after finding yourself with a string of assholes, moving forward can be tricky. Instead of trying to let go of the past, use it; mine it for lessons that can keep you from repeating your mistakes and becoming even more discouraged. So if you don’t want to let your bad experiences keep you from having the will to find something good, here are five ways of overcoming bitterness in relationships.
1) Forget Feelings of Betrayal
Having good times together, making promises of fidelity, and getting matching tattoos may make you feel as if you have a right to a good, long-lasting relationship, but you don’t. What controls a relationship, besides luck, is character, including how solid someone is and how well you work together when the times are pretty bad, the promises don’t come as easy and the tattoos get infected. Some people are deceivers—both of others and themselves—but it’s your job to look out for them, and now you know what to look for and when to run.
2) Work Past Feeling Weak
You can’t help feeling helpless when a relationship goes bad, and you’re certainly helpless when it comes to putting it back together or making yourself feel happy. In truth, however, you have a good way forward and you do know what to do, even if it doesn’t involve making your relationship, or your feelings better; you need to learn from the relationship, focus on doing everything else that makes your life meaningful, and ignore the pain until it goes away.
3) Ditch Further Discussions
Don’t expect talking about your post-breakup feelings to lead to any breakthroughs, mend any fences, or generally sort out what’s wrong. If a relationship has gone bad, you’ve already tried to express your feelings and it hasn’t worked. At a certain point, your feelings just keep getting more negative and the discussions more destructive. Shut up, restore your privacy, and communicate only what you feel is necessary and positive if you have ongoing matters together (e.g., work, kids, shared cat) that must continue.
4) Cut the Complaining
Yes, a little support from/venting to friends is helpful, but at a certain point, your friends will be sick of hearing about it and upset at how powerless they are to do anything. Plus the more you talk about it, the harder it gets for the wound to heal; your friends want to help you, but they’re not helping you if they let you keep going on about your ex and letting them live rent-free in your skull. Acknowledge your sorrow, but then invest in spending good time with your friends, not rehashing your misery fishing for good advice that doesn’t exist.
5) Get Back Out There, Whether Or Not You’ve Gotten Over It
At this point, you can’t trust your feelings, so it’s impossible to tell whether you’re still grieving or you’ve got the same dumb urges you always did. Instead, figure out what you should be looking for and go looking for it while exercising a much higher degree of caution and restraint. Use your pain as a reminder to slow down, be careful, and avoid emotional involvement until you’ve gotten to know someone and think they really check out. The best way to avoid becoming bitter about love is to keep moving; don’t dwell on past disappointment or let it define you, but do let it define the kind of person whom you think will be good for you so your next relationship will be less bitter, more sweet.
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 10, 2021
Since loneliness and a string of bad relationships can make you feel like a loser, it’s not surprising that most people assume finding someone new is the path to victory. And if you could order a perfect new partner through an app with free delivery, that would be fine. Instead, the search for someone new mostly requires luck—also not available to order—so making a good relationship your goal just makes you unfairly responsible for achieving the uncontrollable while pushing you to make bad compromises to avoid loserdom/loneliness. Instead, remind yourself that you’re never a loser if you do your best to be a good person and live independently with whatever loneliness is unavoidable. If you can do that, celebrate by ordering yourself something nice.
-Dr. Lastname
After a nightmare divorce and a shitty abusive relationship following that, I’ve been alone for three years now. I want a companion but I don’t know how to find one, or at least know how to find one that sucks less than the last two (I also don’t know how to change my attitude). By the way, I have three kids, which makes finding someone that much harder since single moms are, well, an acquired taste. My goal is to figure out how to overcome my past and, in some ways, my present in order to find a good partner.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 22, 2020
Too often, when it comes to choosing whether to be, stay, or break-up with someone, we let our hearts be our guides. But when it comes to a committed partnership, feelings are a false guide; there’s no way to share a house, family, life, savings account, and/or bathroom with someone for eternity and not feel some sort of bad a lot of the time. So, if like our reader from earlier, you can’t decide whether you can put up with your partner anymore, here are five ways to tell whether a flawed relationship is worth keeping.
1)Ask Yourself If You Were Better Off Before
Remember what your life was like back when you were single and how you hoped a relationship would make things better. Then assess whether this relationship does or doesn’t fulfill those needs, consulting friends if necessary to recall how you were living then and what your goals were. Don’t get distracted by how you wanted to feel, but on what you wanted to achieve; ask if your relationship helped you meet major life goals, like starting a family, getting an education, taking a job or living somewhere you couldn’t otherwise afford, etc. Make sure you include your need (if any) for a relationship that would offer you support and security in case of illness or possible unemployment. If your relationship hasn’t helped you achieve any those things or has even made reaching those goals harder, that’s important to know.
2) Ask If Acceptance Is Mutual
Determine how well you can accept your partner as he is and how well he accepts you. If, in spite of your best efforts to take him as he is, you find yourself cringing and criticizing, you should move on before you both become mean and awful. And, likewise, if you feel he can never really let go of wanting you to change and you often feel like you have to defend or explain yourself, you’re better off with your own company until you can find someone better. Remember, sometimes there are things about those close to us that make us nuts even if they don’t bother others, but figuring out why they’re annoying won’t make them more bearable or easier for your partner to change. If, despite your best efforts, the acceptance can’t come, then it’s time for you to go.
3) Do a Budget For Being Alone
Review your income, expenses, savings and debt and ask how breaking up would affect your finances. It’s possible that ending things, at least doing so immediately, would force you to make big sacrifices that would make it hard to connect with family and friends, live in your chosen neighborhood, create a nest-egg or just plain survive. If the immediate financial hit is too hard, you’re not trapped forever; you’ll just have to wait while you save up and create a financial plan that makes the separation financially feasible.
4) Review Possible Red Flags
Consider whether there are any “red flag” behaviors that make your or any relationship burdensome, unequal, or even dangerous. These behaviors include addictions, lying, overspending, impulsivity, and/or violent behavior. If there are no such flags, you should nevertheless ask yourself whether the relationship is too one-sided and you don’t get as much as you give. Then, if you do recognize red flags or inequality, ask a friend or therapist to help you find the strength to make a plan to move on. If you realize that you might be in danger, move quickly to get yourself and your children to safety.
5) When You Do Figure it Out, Keep Feelings Out of It
If you’re going to do a smart, factual assessment of the pros and cons of a relationship, you can do it when you’re still feeling angry, hurt, or generally upset. And in order to have a clear head, you have to figure things out when you’re calm, not moments after a fight or reconciliation. If you leave, you should believe that you’d be better off without him for objective reasons, regardless of heartbreak and the loss of whatever he added to your life. If you stay, it should be with the conviction that he makes your life better and doesn’t make it harder for you to be safe or be you. Whatever you decide, if you’ve done a good review of (over)due diligence, you’ll know you’re doing the right thing, even if it feels a little wrong.
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 5, 2020
A conflict-free relationship that hasn’t gone through hard times is like a rare, expensive sports car; just having it and occasionally driving it around the block makes you feel good and special, but if you suddenly need it for regular use it becomes a tiresome burden. So if you’re in a feel-good, low-stress relationship that suddenly becomes somewhat feel-bad, it’s up to you to decide whether what you have is worth working on and keeping, flaws and all, or whether it’s time to let it go and find something more along the lines of a human minivan.
– Dr. Lastname
My partner of some years has mild Aspergers and an anxiety disorder, and we’ve been in a long-distance relationship for most of those years (seeing each other every other weekend or so). We share the same values and enjoy doing most of the same things. Although he’s a good learner and he’s gotten better in these years, he has a lot of quirks that make me have to do more work (like saying “ok” instead of helping me to continue a conversation or accidentally teasing me in a way that hurts my feelings). Still, when I bring them up, which generally happens when I visit him, it often ends up with him not talking and shutting down, rolled in a ball, saying he’s a monster, and then I get upset because he’s not talking to me and I hate that I caused conflict. Still, when I don’t bring them up I feel resentful. It’s gotten to a point that we feel somewhat anxious around each other (though at the same time we enjoy being together). My goal is to find a way to bring up issues with him that’s constructive without being upsetting.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on January 23, 2020
Rushing into a close relationship, even if it’s just platonic, is always dangerous. Whether you’re racing to the altar or to a full calendar of hang outs and confessional conversation, taking the time to really get to know someone, beyond the immediate rush of chemistry, will save you from getting too close, too quickly with someone you’ll soon want to get away from. Here are five ways to save yourself from friending up too fast.
1) Avoid Early Oversharing
Just because you have an intense, immediate intimacy with someone that involves deep personal discussions instead of diving into bed, that doesn’t make your relationship potentially more solid or substantial. Getting too close to someone before you really know them will blind you to qualities you may eventually dislike and create an attachment that hurts one or both of you when you discover that, on a basic, less exciting level, your friendship just doesn’t work. Yes, knowing that you connect with someone makes it worthwhile to get to know them better, but under the right (or wrong) circumstances, quick connections can happen easily. So before you and this exciting new someone share life stories, take a step back.
2) Avoid Exchanging Emotions
The best way to get to know someone isn’t just by going slowly, but by finding out about who they are, not how they feel. Fact-based bonding doesn’t just allow you to share interests and life stories without getting emotionally involved; when you’re not flooded with feelings, it’s easy to see possible red flags of poor friendship potential. For example, if you find out that this person can’t keep a job, apartment, or even a cat for very long, odds are their friendship track record is equally stellar. Finding out the basic facts about someone can tell you tons about their strength and character without invading their privacy or creating premature intimacy.
3) Select Friends While Sober
From consuming record amounts of Flaming Hot Cheetos to singing the entire Little Mermaid soundtrack in public, being drunk or high makes a lot of things easier, including meeting people. But however much being intoxicated can reduce shyness or awkwardness, or make it pleasurable to socialize, it can also reduce your ability to be selective and careful while enhancing your impulsivity. Besides, people you can count on for a party can rarely be counted on for much else. Drugs and booze can make it easy to talk to people but much harder to get to know who they are or whether they’re worth getting to know in the first place.
4) Overcome Attractiveness
Aside from having too much to drink or too few boundaries, getting over-focused on attractiveness, either yours or the other person’s, is a good way to blind yourself to red flags and danger signs. Whatever makes someone attractive also makes it harder for people to see or judge them for who they truly are. So whether it’s due to charm, wit, wealth, charisma, or sex appeal—your own or others’—don’t allow attractiveness to control your choice of friends. On the contrary, how you get along when you or they are at your least appealing will tell you more about the power of your real friendship chemistry.
5) Bond Through Bad Times
Just as partying may make it too easy to connect with someone, having a fun-based friendship can fool you into thinking your bond is solid. Real friendships don’t just require work, they survive it, so test your friendship by working together, on a project or planning a trip, particularly during a time of personal hardship. Doing so will require you to define priorities, manage stress, demonstrate strengths and weaknesses, and match values and motivation. If you work well together, even when you’re tired and irritable, then your chemistry, and your friendship overall, are more likely to be stable. So seek opportunities to travel, cook, or assemble Ikea; if you can get through it intact, then you know you’ve found the real deal.
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 9, 2020
Lasting relationships based on instant connections are like positive news stories and quick-yet-healthy weight loss techniques; they’re so nice to hear about but so hard to believe they aren’t bullshit. Getting close to someone quickly feels wonderful, but like most good feelings, it isn’t necessarily good for you. And if the need for friendship drives you to become close before you really know someone, you are more likely to discover their bad or obnoxious side when it’s too late to back away without causing pain. Instead, develop your own ways for getting to know someone safely and slowly. That’s the only way to make a BFF without all the unnecessary pain and BS.
-Dr. Lastname
I have a very close friend who is driving me crazy! I’m not sure why but I feel as though everything she says is mindless and completely irritating. For example, she offered to lend me an upholstered chair for a work project. I know that was a nice thing for her to do, but it was the wrong color. And when I told her that it was the wrong color, she said I should “paint it,” which I’m pretty sure is nonsensical advice because it’s a chair, not a table, and if I try there’s a huge risk it will look like crap and be useless to both of us. The problem is that I know that she hasn’t changed at all during our friendship—she’s always been a little flakey—but my feelings towards her have, and I have no idea why. This has happened to me before with other people that I’ve been close to and I’m sick of it. My goal is to figure out why my feelings have changed and what can I do to stop being so irritable, because I’m tired of losing patience with her and losing friendships in general.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 17, 2019
Unless you’re a hairstylist, surgeon, or murderer, changing other people is basically impossible. Just because the flaws in your partner’s character are never going to change, however, doesn’t mean that you’re stuck with the bad behavior they cause. Shame and condemnation certainly won’t get him to improve. But if you can learn to keep personal criticism and angry feelings to yourself and describe bad behavior in terms of its dysfunction, rather than as evidence of purposeful malice, you can motivate a partner to improve his act while avoiding nasty struggles and intense argument. Then he might be motivated to work on those flaws before you become a murderer yourself.
– Dr. Lastname
I accept that there are things that are unchangeable in my marriage of three decades. I love my husband and want to stay married, but I am increasingly irritated by being the breadwinner, planner, homemaker, gift buyer, family relationship keeper, cheerleader, etc., etc., while my husband seems to slide through life without much effort. He is in therapy for depression related to a shitty childhood and current career issues, and I am mostly understanding; however, I have recently begun to blow up at stupid, careless (but not intentional) actions on his part, the most recent being his ruining my expensive kitchen shears during one of his typical, fruitless home improvement projects. It makes me feel guilty to make him unhappy, but I can’t seem to stop myself in the moment. I suspect I am also realizing that he may always be dependent on me, which is also frustrating. My goal is to figure out how to change the way I react before I kill him, our marriage, or both.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on April 4, 2019
Having crushes turn into obsessional attachments may seem like a bizarre weakness or psychiatric symptom that only happens to people who lack pride, insight, or self-respect (or like the premise to an excellent musical sitcom). In reality, such obsessive behavior can happen to anyone, but once it gets going, no amount of pride, insight, and treatment can make it go away. Nevertheless, if you are unlucky enough to have the kind of crushes that can crush your spirit and self-esteem, there’s no reason to let them ruin your life or to make you despair about your ability to ever find a healthy attachment. It just means you have to learn how to manage your attraction and obsessive impulses, no matter how powerful your emotions or ability to carry a tune.
-Dr. Lastname
So I’ve tried over the last few years to be close friends with someone that I was once involved with briefly. Our friendship’s had its up and downs, but I was managing, although “managing” isn’t quite what I was after. At a certain point he developed cancer; it now looks like he’s in the clear, but I was there for him every step of the way, and during the whole ordeal we expressed our love for each other constantly, hugged, kissed, and spent time together. Problem is, we were supposed to be platonic, but I never quite got past wanting him, and I’ve had a therapist talk to me about having attachment issues in general. So this guy and I are still friends, but hell has opened up least week because I asked for a firm commitment to get together over the weekend, after which I became obsessed, acted out, was anxious… something of a tidy mess. I know what I need to do and it hurts bad, but I also think I’ve made more progress with him faster now than ever before, so I dimly hope he and I salvage something. I’ve been searching for books, advice of relationships to figure out how I might heal faster, let go completely if need be, and learn how not to repeat the same mistakes again. My goal is to find some task-oriented technique for overcoming my obsession, or for dealing with my attachment issues overall, because as much as I want to keep my connection to him, I worry that I’m being an idiot by refusing to give up on what I want him and I to have.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on January 24, 2019
No matter how many good reasons you may have for getting over a relationship and moving
on—he was never worth it, it was never going to work, you were catfished by a Russian bot,
etc.—heartbreak has a way of holding on to you, and holding you down, for far too long. Instead
of helplessly and hopelessly suffering through it, here are five steps you can take to get over
someone, even, or especially, if he was never worth getting under in the first place.
1) Busy Your Brain
Instead of wasting your time focusing on someone you can’t have (who probably isn’t worth having in the first place), distract yourself with more worthy pursuits like work, dinners with friends, hot yoga sessions, or any positive activity that prevents you from getting into trouble while also distracting you from your pain. These activities will also help to remind you that you have a life of your own, friends who care, and promises to keep. Your ex-addicted brain will look for ways to think about him and devise ways to change his mind, but the more you live your own life, the harder it will be for your thoughts to wander in his direction.
2) Mark Your Progress by Your Actions, Not Your Emotions
Your inability to completely forget him or feel as good as you did when he was around may tell you that your attempts to move on are futile. But remember, the feelings of happiness he once gave you were what convinced you he was worth being with in the first place, despite many more tangible red flags to the contrary. That’s why a better barometer for your progress isn’t how you feel but how much you’re doing despite those feelings of emptiness and withdrawal. Because the work you do and the attention you give to others despite being under the influence of heartache are a remarkable achievement and a sign that you’re on the road to recovery, no matter how rejected you still feel.
3) Relate But Don’t Ruminate
It’s good to share your sorrows with a sympathetic ear, like friends or a shrink, but only up to a point; an overly-sympathetic ear will encourage more rumination that healing, encouraging you to mope rather than move on. So yes, it’s good to know that friends care, your feelings are understandable, and other good people have made the same mistake and learned the same tough lesson. But it’s not good to wallow, whine, or waste time feeling sorry for yourself that could be better spent moving forward. So try to limit your complaints and choose only confidants who remember your strength and believe in your future, not those who magnify your helplessness and victimhood.
4) Learn and Live
Now that you’ve milked your heartache for every possible valuable lesson, don’t hesitate to put your new knowledge to work in the search for a new, more worthwhile partner. Yes, you may still be vulnerable, but you’re also smarter with the freshest possible memory of what the wrong partner looks like. Besides, the goal is to get right back to searching, not to get right back into a relationship; take your time during the process to review each candidate and develop a new, improved list of character criteria for a potential mate. Getting back into the search quickly isn’t about finding someone right away, but figuring out how to best utilize and develop your new knowledge, thus decreasing your chances of finding yourself as heartbroken in the
future.
5) Build Independence
While heartache is always a learning opportunity, it isn’t just there to teach us who to avoid or how to find the right person. As your heart heals, it should become stronger, not just smarter, and a strong heart is one that doesn’t necessarily need another person to feel whole. That means you shouldn’t license yourself to look for a partner until you’ve built up your independence by finding activities and friends that you can enjoy on your own. Recent experience should teach you many things, but one of the fundamental lessons should be that there are much worse things than being alone.
Posted by fxckfeelings on
As we’ve hopefully made painfully clear by now, the most powerful emotions tend to fuel our
poorest decisions; deep despair can lead to anything from substance abuse to misspelled tattoos
while blinding love can bind you to someone whom you, in saner times, wouldn’t so much as
follow on Twitter. There’s no point then in being ashamed of the company love can drive you to
keep. The only shame comes from not using the heartbreak to learn how to better protect
yourself, retain your values, and exercise your judgment next time. Then your bad experience
can become an anchor that will keep you from getting swept away by any waves of intense
emotion that may hit you in the future.
-Dr. Lastname
Simply put, I’ve been dating and subsequently fell for an older man (in his 50s) who, without telling me, had plans the whole time to marry a 22-year-old Central American stripper. He finally admitted this to me by explaining that he’s in love with her but still wants to be my very good friend. Of course, I am still in love with him and he is very aware of that. My dumb ass is waiting for his feelings to change, which I realize is, well, dumb, but I don’t know what else to do. How do I get over this? My goal is to figure out whether I can be his friend, or whether that’s a reasonable/doable option to begin with.
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