Posted by fxckfeelings on November 8, 2010
Sometimes asking questions over and over again is a good way to avoid the fact that you already know the answers, you just don’t like them. The answers are probably bad news that require you to live with pain, but by refusing to accept them, you don’t postpone that pain, just force yourself to keep living with the same problems with the added extra of uncertainty and compound pain interest. It’s better to take the answer you don’t want and face the truth bravely, even if the truth is that you’re fucked.
–Dr. Lastname
I take medication for my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and every night, when I take my pill, I wash it down with a couple of beers. My OCD takes the form of compulsive worrying about my health, or the possible bad effects of things I’ve done, and it’s partially prevented me from practicing law. I know you’re not supposed to drink when you take meds like this, but the beer helps me sleep, and my OCD hasn’t gotten worse with the booze. Still, I know it’s a bad idea, and while my primary care physician and my psychiatrist have said it’s OK, they seem a little doubtful. At the same time, they can’t point me to any definitive articles on the subject. My goal is to get you to give me an answer that will make me comfortable.
If your OCD is worrying compulsively about your health, and you’re searching for a definitive opinion to help you stop worrying about your health…surely you see how you’re putting the symptom before the horse.
You already know that the comfortable feelings you get from experts’ answers don’t last long; they can seldom stand up to new doubts prompted by afterthoughts, things you’ve read, and the general mental itch, I’ve-got-to-check-things-over-again-OCD feeling.
Comfortable is not an option. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 4, 2010
Rebuilding anything, from a family post-separation to the entire Gulf coast, is an arduous, often painful process. Strong leadership goes a long way towards aiding the operation, and in the case of divorce, a leadership duo is potentially stronger and has a lot more to offer the kids. Yes, there’s pain, but if you can ignore it as you try to figure out old relationships and make new ones, you can make the repairs without losing the foundation (or wetlands) altogether.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t hate my stepbrother, but the fact is, he’s kind of a loser. He doesn’t work hard in school, he doesn’t play sports, and all he really seems to do is play video games and hang out with the stoners doing what stoners do. I take 3 AP classes and I’m on the basketball team, and I’m not saying that to brag, but because that means I’m always busy at practice or with homework (I’m trying to get a scholarship). Still, my stepfather is always asking me to do more chores in the house and help out, and never asking his own son, who doesn’t seem to be doing jack shit. I think my stepfather doesn’t like me all that much, and that, when he’s stressed, he takes it out on me, and if I tell him he’s not being fair, he gets more pissed off. My goal is to get my stepfather to see that he needs to chill and take a closer look at what he’s doing.
It’s hard, at any age, not to focus on the unfairness of authority, and it’s worse when you’re a kid, solider, or inmate. Remember, fair is the worst four letter f-word you’ll ever encounter.
The more absolute your stepfather’s power, the more you simmer when you feel his favoritism has screwed you. The trouble is, if he perceives that you’re angry and doesn’t enjoy his authority questioned, your troubles will only get worse.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on November 1, 2010
Technically speaking, any citizen of the first world has the opportunity to be rich and powerful…except for the fact of life’s shitty, unavoidable obstacles, like being sick, poor, or just plain unlucky. If you can’t reach the dream of power and a powerboat, especially after working hard and overcoming an obstacle or two, feelings of loserdom begin to sink in. Neither owning a mansion nor overcoming poverty, however, make you a worthy individual (though they may make you feel like one). You can never be a loser if you make the best of your hard luck and build values that will protect your self-respect from the helpless humiliation of being poor and yachtless.
–Dr. Lastname
It took me forever to get my engineering degree because I had to work and go to night school, but I stuck with it because I believed it would get me a good, secure job. What’s killing me is that, now that I’m qualified, I can’t find one, because I don’t have a driver’s license, because the idea of driving gives me panic attacks. Meanwhile, my classmates have gotten all the good jobs and are moving ahead. I’m feeling angry, bitter, and depressed, and I know it’s my own fault. My goal is to get over my fears so all my work doesn’t go to waste.
You’re right to be frightened of panic attacks, because, in addition to making you feel terrible, they can come on just when you need to be at your best, look confident, and show you’re reliable. They’re the acne of mental health.
Like bad zits, they tend to come back whenever they want, for no reason you’ll ever understand, and picking at it just makes it worse.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 28, 2010
As life and many sitcoms have taught us, the people we work with are like family; they can drive you crazy if you listen to them too much, make you forget that your self-respect should never depend on what others think of you (including mom, dad, and the Boss), and make unreasonable demands you can’t refuse. Just as you can’t change your mom, dad, or family cat Count Fluffington, you’re not going to change the Boss, so don’t try. Learn to tune out your office relatives and focus on your own standards. Remember, it’s only a job, and maybe your professional in-laws will take you in.
–Dr. Lastname
Work has been hard for the last couple years because times have been tough and the main way that managers prove themselves and avoid being fired is by committing their teams to unrealistic goals and then getting us to overwork while blaming anyone who objects. They see it as surviving tough competition. Meanwhile, the best people have left and the rest of us feel like we’re overly loyal and/or unmarketable losers. Anyway, the rising complaints caused management to bring in a group of psychologists/consultants to make the workplace happier and improve communication. The trouble is, they’re not asking the right questions and they don’t want to hear what we’re telling them. My goal is to get the boss to see that they’re ineffective.
You might think the consulting psychologists are incompetent, but if they actually could resolve the issues you’ve described, they wouldn’t be consultants, they’d be messiahs.
Yes, the consulting psychologists were hired to make things better and management is probably sincere in believing that. Consultants who tell the whole truth in a situation like this, however, usually find themselves, like employees who do likewise, without a job. Be warned.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 25, 2010
No matter how much you love someone, you might not be able to read them that well; signals get crossed, personalities clash, pissyness abounds. You can try to improve “communication” through several years/thousand dollars on relationship therapies, but you can never change your personality or the personality of the person you happen to love who also happens to drive you crazy. If you can never perfectly read someone, you can learn to recognize the warning signs of unavoidable conflict and accept the pain as the necessary price of making things work. It’s not a perfect solution, but it’s cheaper than therapy, and cheaper still than divorce.
–Dr. Lastname
My 18-year-old nephew moved in with me and my boyfriend this summer to be close to the internship program he’s doing this year. I love my nephew, and he’s very smart about computers, but he’s a really geeky kid and never very quick to notice how people are reacting; when monopolizes the TV or leaves a mess in the kitchen, my boyfriend tries to make it clear he’s annoyed, but it goes straight over my nephew’s head. My boyfriend’s about had it and wants my nephew out because he thinks the kid’s a selfish jerk (instead of just a nerdy dork). My boyfriend, needless to say, hasn’t lived with kids in many years and tends to take things personally. My goal is to get my boyfriend to back off and/or my nephew to tune in.
Cursed be the peacemaker, because the only agreement that peacemakers are certain to create between warring parties is that they both hate the peacemaker.
If you press your boyfriend to be nicer, he’ll wonder why you’re more sympathetic to a self-absorbed, snotty kid than to your long-term, adult partner.
Your nephew, if he notices the tension at all, will wonder why his aunt can’t protect him from being picked on (and why nobody can protect him, since this probably happens all the time). Good intentions are dangerous, in a situation like this, unless you’re careful about your goals.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 21, 2010
When life spins out of control, so does morale. When it feels like you’re living in a flaming, crowded theater, it’s more normal to issue dire warnings, cast blame, and look for desperate solutions. If, however, after reviewing your options realistically, you can assure yourself that you’ve done whatever it is you could do, you can retain your pride and helps others retain theirs. That won’t give you control, but it will decrease the panic and put the fires out.
–Dr. Lastname
My 25-year-old daughter barely talks to me because I’m the one who reminds her that she’s bipolar. She gets mad at me whenever I bring it up, but I’ve got to say something, because someone needs to tell her to take her medication and stay away from her drinking buddies. She’s such a good kid, and it’s awful to watch her lose control and then have everyone take advantage of her. The trouble is, I know how bad the prognosis is for her illness, and after four hospital admissions and no job held for more than a month, I fear for her. My goal is to help her and have a better relationship with her.
If you want to express negative emotions about your kid’s mental illness, tell your shrink, hairdresser, crossing-guard, whomever. Anyone but the kid herself.
Mental illness is scary and depressing, but for the parent of a mentally ill child, make like your home is on the range: never should be heard a discouraging word. Expressing negative emotions almost always makes things worse.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 18, 2010
To paraphrase Homer Simpson’s thoughts on alcohol; for the depression-prone especially, fear is the cause of, and result of, all of life’s problems. When you’re afraid, it seems like you’re losing control, and nothing will work unless you get it back, which will just dig you deeper. Life can and will always take away your control, so your job is to forget control and preserve your values using whatever you have, regardless of result. You may not be able to cure yourself of depression, alcoholism, or anything else that ails you, but you shouldn’t hide and give up. Remember, to further paraphrase Homer Simpson, the answers to life’s problems aren’t found through control, they’re found on the internet.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve been so depressed I can barely get out of bed, so at this point, I’m willing to try medication. The problem is, none of the pills I try seem to work for me, and some of them make me feel worse. One antidepressant made me dizzy, and another one my doctor recommended is said to cause weight gain, and another sometimes causes a severe rash. I’m desperate, but there’s got to be a way to feel better without a fucking rash. I need something that will work without doing me serious harm.
If you’re looking for an antidepressant that’s sure to help and has never caused harm, stop your search now. Like cold fusion, unicorns, and a good Joel Schumacher movie, such a pill doesn’t exist.
Refusing a medication because it makes you gain weight is like skipping chemotherapy because of possible hair loss. Expecting too much from antidepressants, or any medication, can paralyze you and prevent you from getting the actual help they might be able to provide.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 14, 2010
Dreams, like deep religious faith and extreme weight loss, promise happiness, which should warn you right away that you’d better check out what you really need and what you need to do if your dream, exciting as it is, doesn’t come true. We don’t enjoy reminding you, over and over again, that life usually destroys dreams, that fate can be mean, and that you should never throw away your fat pants. We do it because we don’t think dreams are nearly as important, or as fulfilling in the long run, as doing what you can with what you’ve got.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m over 50, independent, and make just enough money to have a middle class life style without any great financial reserves, and I’ve had a steady boyfriend for several years who lives with me on the weekends, but works in another city during the week. We’re both happy with one another and this arrangement, and I feel I can count on him, but I’ve been wondering what we’ll do as we get older. Ideally, I’d like us to pool our resources and take responsibility for caring for one in sickness and health, but I get the feeling he’s hasn’t faced the issue of aging and I don’t know if he ever will. My goal is to get him to consider these issues so I can figure out where I stand.
It’s great to find a good companion, but it might be easier to find the kind of commitment you want, if not the care, from one of the companions listed on petfinder.com.
In other words, beware romanticizing what you and your current companion actually have; ask yourself if your friend is truly prepared to give to you what you’re prepared to give to him, and how you’ll react if he isn’t. You can’t be angry with him for breaking a promise he never made in the first place.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 11, 2010
Nobody wants to deny help to a loved one who needs it, but once the help is given, nobody wants to deal with the often messy aftermath. Your help may not get the grateful reaction you’d hoped for, or the help-ee may come back to you with a request for more assistance than you can possibly provide. In order to avoid the tense, nasty, Larry David-esque path that thoughtless generosity can put you on, decide first what you think is right to give, without letting your actions be dictated by neediness or a fear of what people will think or say when you say no. At fuckfeelings.com, we aren’t big on the benefits of helping, except when it’s truly appropriate, like right now, with this advice.
–Dr. Lastname
When my wife and I split up ten years ago, she got full custody of our son; she wanted to punish me, and after a long court battle, she came out victorious and I’ve tried to make the best with what little access I have. Since we split up when he was 8, my kid’s in college now, so he can see me if he wants to. The thing is, most of the times he gets in touch, it’s because he needs money. I talk it out with him and only really give when it doesn’t seem stupid (no, I’m not funding his desired giant flat screen), but when I talk about coming to visit, he’s always got a reason to say no. More and more, I feel like I’m being used. My goal is to see my son, and it’s also not to let him feel he can get away with using me.
Even without messy divorces, evil exes, and unfriendly court rulings, some parents find they can’t have a reasonable relationship with a selfish kid.
You might want to blame yourself for his behavior—that somehow your divorce and the ensuing custody fight corrupted him somehow—but whatever, he is who he is, whether nature or mal-nurture, and he’s not going to change anytime soon.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 7, 2010
The feeling of wanting to help someone you love is so strong, it often comes right around from helping to harming you both. Your drive to make that person’s life better can be so intense as to prevent you from seeing that you’re seeking to do the impossible and are actually headed for a head-on collision with the person you want to save. No matter how much you’d like to help, look for the limits on what’s possible and don’t let your emotions become the message or entrance to a vicious cycle.
–Dr. Lastname
I never know what to tell my sister who’s always asking my advice about some conflict she’s gotten herself into. She’s not really asking for advice, really, just giving me a long song-and-dance about how badly she was provoked before retaliating and saying something dumb and nasty. It’s always a situation which winds up with her looking and acting like a jerk, often with her own kids. She knows she’s made a mess of things, doesn’t hold a grudge, and can admit that her behavior stinks; but, under the pressure of the moment, she always make the same mistake again and then comes running to me for sympathy and advice. My goal is to help her get a grip before she loses her kids.
Some people are perfectly nice when they aren’t angry, and perfectly horrible when they are, and there’s no connection between the two. It’s like, if instead of turning big and green, becoming the Hulk made Bruce Banner a dickhead.
When the fog lifts, nice girl is sorry for the messes her angry half creates, and tries extra hard to be likeable to make up for it. Then again, however remorseful she is, there’s no change the next time around.
You know our professional terminology for people who act badly and it’s always the other guy’s fault: “asshole.” People assume that all assholes are obnoxious, when in fact, some are quite nice, and some are aware of their problem. You just wouldn’t like them when they’re mad.
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