Posted by fxckfeelings on December 16, 2010
It’s easy to feel like a success when you’re given a gold medal; and when you’re just another schmuck getting lapped at the local track, it’s hard to take much joy from your efforts. If success is subjective, so is failure. If, however, we look at our accomplishments objectively, our lives are actually Special Olympics, and many of us who feel like losers are really champions.
–Dr. Lastname
My son makes a living and he’s a nice guy, but I don’t think he’s ever really pushed himself or lived up to his smarts. He works in a pet shop and lives with a nice girlfriend, but he’s 30 already. All his friends are professionals who own their own homes, and he cleans animal cages and rents an apartment. I wish I knew how to motivate him to do more with his life. Maybe if he went into therapy he’d discover that he’s afraid of success.
To paraphrase Fran Lebowitz, if you’re an American white Christian male and you’re not President of the United States, to some degree, you blew it.
It seems logical to say, about any bright, well-educated kid, that he could do anything if he really wanted to, particularly in this country, and that it’s a shame if he didn’t seize his opportunities.
If you truly agree with this statement or Fran’s, however, your thinking is wishful and potentially dangerous.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on December 13, 2010
Emotional blackmail, just like the unemotional kind, can’t be fought back against easily. Normally, blackmail leaves you broke, but when it’s emotional, you’re less broke and more broken, since you end up spending all your energy caring too much about the other person’s feelings. At that point, it doesn’t matter who has the last word; you’ll wind up exhausted and distanced both from the blackmailer and who you really are. To shield yourself from blackmail, know where you stand and why you stand there. After all, if you can hold your head up, they’ve got nothing to hold against you.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband always complains that I’m neglecting him and making him worry when I do what I really like, which is hiking and swimming, because he’s an indoor sort who worries a lot and doesn’t like to be alone. Now that we’re retired and the kids are well on their way in life, we’ve got plenty of time, and I wish he’d come along, but that’s not his nature. I’m not a daredevil, but after I took a serious tumble two years ago while hiking, he forced me to promise I’d never do it alone. Actually, I like company, but the pressure of worrying about when he’s going to go off on me about my selfishness and what I put him through and my lack of respect for his feelings makes me wonder if we’d be better off apart. My goal is to reach a decision about our marriage.
Going into this marriage, you must have known that it would be hard for your “indoor worrier” spouse to find middle ground with a weekend warrior like yourself. Now you’re wondering if you should call off the search.
It’s hard to stay unemotional about choices like this, but the best way to prepare for a decision about ending a marriage is to build up your independence and re-examine any concessions that are wearing you down.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on December 9, 2010
There are lots of frightening things in life, and unless you want to live out your days in a panic room, freedom from fear is never an option. Besides, if we all gave up after our first major scare or humiliation, everyone would still be hiding in a high school bathroom stall. So, instead of running for cover in your nearest small space, get used to freaking out and/or fucking up and ignoring whatever dismal news or critical judgment that fear tells you is the truth. Rely on your usual, pre-fear abilities to size up dangers, emerge from your hidey-hole, and respect yourself for doing whatever you think is necessary when fear is trying to bring you down.
–Dr. Lastname
I haven’t been able to recover my confidence since my new boss screamed at me and humiliated me in front of my team. He’s an ex-Ranger who’s been known to become abusive, like the drill sergeant he used to be. The company has reprimanded him, and my job isn’t in jeopardy, but even thinking about going back to work leaves me shaking, and I’ve had nightmares, so I need to get myself back together before going back to work.
This may sound unkind; but taking time to feel traumatized won’t put food on your table.
If there were a cure for your condition, I wouldn’t say that. I’d tell you to get cured, feel better, and then get back to work. Unfortunately, there’s no such thing as canned “trauma-be-gone,” but government cheese is very real.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on December 6, 2010
Everyone from Mariah Carey to Charlie Brown has told us that what Christmas means is a happy, if not the happiest, time, and that you’re supposed to spread that happy to your neighbors, parents, and children. Most of us learn at an early age that Christmas is a mixed bag, and that the unhappy spreads faster than the happy, mostly among family members. Instead of focusing on good cheer, decide how best to use the holiday to express the Christmas spirit which, for those of you with some dysfunction in your families, means finding the best compromise between sharing a holiday together, protecting yourself from bad behavior, and avoiding the songmanship of Mariah Carey.
–Dr. Lastname
My 16-year-old daughter is a good kid, but she’s always been hell on wheels about breaking the rules. I always worry about her, because her father was sick and school is hard for her (she’s very ADD) and it would take very little to get her to drop out. The more I do to make sure she gets up on time, however, like driving her to school when she’s late, the more she misses the boat by always getting one absence more than whatever the school allows, so now I’ve got regular meetings with the principal (she refuses to show up) and neverending special ed plans. She’s really a nice kid and behaves well when she’s staying with her friends, but with me she’s often mean and nasty and swears all the time, and I just laugh it off. Now Christmas is coming, and I’d like her to be able to visit Mexico with a friend’s family, if she can just keep out of additional trouble. My goal is to avoid provoking her into doing more dumb things, dropping out of school, and getting into major trouble.
It’s clear that you love and accept your bad-ass kid, and that’s probably the most important part of any relationship, because non-acceptance is deadly.
You accept her, she accepts that you love her. She just can’t accept being told what to do.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on December 2, 2010
People often feel broken by trauma if they can’t stop attacks of anxiety and achieve the sense of control that they’re sure normal people have. Sadly, normal people are as common as guiltless donuts and pegasi; if being broken means that you can’t be fixed, then everyone is broken, because we all eventually have problems about ourselves that can’t be fixed. If you’re out there, braving the risks of relationships and work and child-rearing in spite of trauma symptoms, then you’re not broken—you’re a hero.
–Dr. Lastname
I made the executive decision today to not participate in our airport’s body scan or pat down procedure, and now my whole family is f*cked. I had my “no more than 3oz bottles” in their “official” airline approved baggies, so obviously I arrived at the airport planning to suck it up and be a team player. When we got to the security checkpoint however, I discovered there was not enough scope (or vodka) in my 3oz bottles to get me through the required security procedure. I started having flashbacks dating back to a sexual assault 20+yrs ago, and called off the idea of being a team player. I’m pissed at myself for ruining our plans, and equally pissed that my husband (who knows about my past experience) thinks it’s “silly” that I couldn’t just suck it up and go through it like everyone else. My kid’s are totally confused now as to why we are at home and not at Grandmas. I know from news stories I’m not the only one having a problem with our new security procedures. I know I don’t “owe” anyone an explanation, but it seems avoiding their questions is only making matters worse. How do I explain, without really explaining, why I’m refusing to put myself back in the position that clearly was not in my best interest at the time?
If you’re reactive to your feelings in public, for any reason, life becomes more dramatic, unpredictable and sometimes humiliating. You want your junk, physical and emotional, untouched.
Unfortunately, most times you do end up saying something emotionally, it doesn’t come out cool, leaving you and everyone else feeling a bit violated.
There are, however, some advantages to being emotionally reactive, particularly in the anxious way you describe, even if those advantages don’t involve airports.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on November 29, 2010
If you’re the kind of person who lets your job take over your life, then work can become like a bad relationship; you get totally consumed with pleasing your beloved, and while that devotion gives you great satisfaction of the kind you want, it seldom supplies the kind that you need. Don’t assume that work satisfaction is good for you until you’ve decided what else is important in your life, including money, real human romantic relationships, and, of course, not working.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m a competitive, hard-working woman who’s always been a star among my peers at work. My social life has been pretty good, too, though I haven’t been lucky in finding a partner. My problem is that I’m bored and discouraged by my current job—it doesn’t allow me to get the outstanding results I’m used to achieving—and it’s starting to put a dent in my confidence, my dating, and even my ability to look for a new job. I want to get my mood back to normal, I don’t care whether it’s through medication or psychotherapy, so I can again lead the work-pack and have more energy for my social life.
It’s nice to be a work superstar, especially when that confidence extends outside the office to every other facet of life. Too much hubris, however, and you’re starring in your own corporate episode of “Behind The Music.”
When you depend too much on being outstanding, as good as it feels, you’ll get into the special trouble that always happens to gifted people who need that special feeling of achievement (you, Leif Garrett, same difference).
For one thing, if you’re ambitious and good at what you do, you’ll always be recruited, and sooner or later, you’ll be recruited into a position that can’t work out. Your skills are still perfect, but your luck isn’t.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on November 25, 2010
As promised, we are taking today off to deal with our own woes and appetites. If you can’t wait until Monday, there’s always holiday advice leftovers from last year, plus Facebook and Twitter.
Happy Thanksgiving! We are, as always, thankful for your misery.
–Dr. Lastname
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 18, 2010
Relationships are supposed to include lots of sharing—trust, time, bank accounts—but when relationships hit a wall, too much sharing makes them worse. You might think that speaking the truth will make things right, but it usually makes things very, very wrong. Instead, accept the hurt and create a boundary between your hurt feelings and what you know will work out best. You’ll find yourself with better choices, less need for others to tell you that you’re OK, and an appreciation for not having to share the remote.
–Dr. Lastname
When my ex-husband and I shared a life together, we also shared a drinking problem. After a decade of marriage and 3 kids, we divorced, and I got sober. Now, another decade later, the kids are grown and they have a hard time with their dad, who still occasionally binge drinks, binge opinionates, and, as usual, sees all criticism as ingratitude and rebellion. In addition, his current partner is a nasty drunk. Now, our kids are good doobies who try to give their dad equal time, but I think they are sometimes too easily cowed by his guilt trips and seem resentful and depressed after they stay with him. I don’t believe in saying anything negative, particularly since he’s their father and a fellow drunk. My goal is to help them, if I can.
Short of being more careful with birth control when you chose to breed with a real winner, you can’t protect kids from the pain of bad parenting.
You’d like to, and, in this case, you are partly responsible. Unfortunately, it is what it is, there was love despite the lack of a glove and the results cannot be undone. Plus, any attempt to protect them from pain is likely to make it worse.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on November 15, 2010
Working hard at school usually gets you a well deserved A (and, if you’re a certain advice-giving psychiatrist, a Harvard degree). Working hard at relationships, however, never guarantees success; it doesn’t necessarily get you what you deserve, whether it’s a good mate or a better relationship with a parent. Your efforts and motivations may be pure, but too much that you don’t control is always there to get in the way. Don’t take it as a failure then if you’re lonely and have mixed feelings about going home for Thanksgiving. The biggest success, for many of us, isn’t a frequently-mentioned set of Harvard degrees, but preventing sorrow from making us do something stupid.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m a 47-year-old woman who has never been married. My goal is to find out if circumstances have simply kept me from meeting a suitable partner, or if there’s something I’m doing or something about me that has kept me from finding/recognizing someone who might have been the right choice. I’m attractive, extremely bright, I have a great sense of humor, and am warm and open. I have wonderful friends of both sexes. The downside is I’ve had some serious health issues, including one chronic illness that has directly and indirectly undercut my most important career and personal goals and, to some extent, my sense of myself as the kind of person I wanted to be (accomplished and desirable). I’m under a kind of chronic stress and I don’t feel I’m living my life fully. To restate my goal, how do I figure out what, if anything, has kept me from having a successful relationship?
Don’t disrespect yourself by assuming that being single means you’ve done something wrong. If your problem finding a partner were anything obvious, like a stupid compulsion to dump good guys or an aversion to bathing, you probably would’ve figured it out at some point in the past 47 years.
Also, don’t disrespect yourself by giving illness and bad luck the power to define your self-worth. Yes, it’s nice to be healthy, rich and thin and it feels like success. Real success, however, is knowing you did your best when things turned out badly and left you hurting; it comes from pride in the effort, not pride in the outcome.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on November 11, 2010
Anger is commonly taken as a sign of imbalance, sickness, and a personal failure to find peace. Anyone who’s ever had their lunch money stolen, been married (or divorced), or just driven in downtown Boston, however, knows that the above notion is bullshit; anger is what it is, and is often unavoidable. As with most of life’s near-uncontrollable impulses, it’s what you do with it, or what you let it do to you, that counts.
–Dr. Lastname
I was diagnosed with Parkinsons five years ago, and cannot for the life of me figure out how to get beyond being PISSED OFF about it. No, I don’t want to find a new hobby, interest or job. I was perfectly happy with my “pre-Parkinsons” hobbies, interests and job…thankyouverymuch. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sitting around throwing what anyone would consider a pity party; in fact, I have people frequently tell me how amazed they are at how well I’ve adjusted to my “new life”. I’m doing all those “plan B” hobbies, interests and jobs that any self-respecting chronically diseased person should attempt to do. But, the bottom line is that I HATE all this plan B bullsh*t! So far, all the talk therapy, antidepressants, Zen type activities and straight up “get a grip” self talk have proven no match for my anger. Quality of life is much more important to me than quantity, so I’m in serious need of a plan C that includes quality improvement. Any suggestions on how I can get the hell out of my own way long enough to ever device a plan C?
Anyone who writes as eloquently and vigorously as you do has a curse as well as a gift: high expectations for a life that meets your standards for fun, creativity, and excellence.
While your gifts make you a more interesting person, there’s a special hell reserved for those with special gifts who develop them well…and then run into a brick wall.
Other people think you’ve still got lots going for you, and they’re right to some degree. What you know, however, is how far short you, and life, fall below expectations. It feels like a personal failure and total fuck-up, which, to every degree, is wrong.
In addition, neurological illness can have a direct effect on the parts of your brain that control rage and pleasure. You can be doing all the right things—and are, from the sound of it—and still feel explosively miserable, not because you’re reacting to illness, but because of your illness.
So, it’s no surprise that Parkinsons has left you madder’n hell, and I don’t see why you should expect that to change. You were happy when you were firing on all cylinders; now you can’t, and you’re not, and you’re not the kind of person to get over it, at least not completely.
That said, ask yourself what else makes your life meaningful other than doing the things you love to do and being happy. What seems to matter to you is doing the most with what you’ve got and, I would guess, helping others and being a good friend to those you care about.
You’ve probably thought of this, but I bet you’d be of particular help to other people with neurological illness who struggle with anger. In the beginning, it might help you to know that you aren’t alone and that there are good, respectable people who feel the same way and can’t help it.
As time went on, you’d also come to appreciate how hard it is for someone to do the good, constructive things you’ve done, particularly when the anger won’t let up. Then other people would take hope from seeing what you’ve done. It might not be as good as one of your “plan A” hobbies– it’s probably better.
You might even find yourself specializing in helping those who are really, really angry. Hey, a lot of us get into this business for similar reasons, and that’s why we get as much out of it as our patients do.
So don’t “get a grip,” get a posse. And then maybe, if it appeals to you, a practice.
STATEMENT:
“I wish I could achieve a little serenity about my chronic illness, but I can’t, so I’ll try to be serene about my rage instead. I’ll try to continue to do good in this world, even if I can never feel good, and take pride in the way I fuckin’ bear this fuckin’ burden.”
I hate my wife so much it’s hard to live with her or remember what a good marriage we used to have. In the old days, she was wonderful at throwing parties and having fun and buying me beautiful presents, and we traveled everywhere. Then, after an unfortunate financial wipe-out, she became a miser and a nag. She doesn’t mind living on less; she does volunteer work and is happy with her hobbies. I, on the other hand, feel like life has become miserable and I’ve lost my best friend and she doesn’t understand or care how I feel. I’ve also cut back on spending and I work pretty hard; and, shortly after this crisis, I discovered I’m bipolar and I’ve learned how to manage my mood swings pretty well, but there are times I can’t stop myself from snarling at her and wishing she was dead. I hate feeling this way.
Anger is a kind of agony, unless you have some hope of smiting your tormentor or achieving some kind of relief/release, in which case you have a lust that is usually stronger than lust (and no fear of the criminal justice system).
The trouble is, anger is everywhere and unavoidable unless you’ve been lobotomized; irritability is a common symptom of mood swings, both highs and lows, and that’s excluding the many uncontrollably irritating things that can happen to you.
So it’s no wonder that the main reason many people see shrinks is to get over their rage. In the words of the preacher in The Big Chill, “I’m angry and I don’t know what to do with my anger.” I don’t know what to do with it, either, but I don’t mind being paid to think about it.
Between your bipolar mood swings, and your need for excitement (which is part of having bipolar mood swings), you’re bound to feel angry, particularly if you have to rein yourself in. You’re the object of a double reining: from an exhausted bank account and mood stabilizers. In other words, you’re double fucked.
Then again, remember the main reason most of us get married– to have someone to blame. As such, it’s very hard for you not to hate your wife, which brings up another positive observation: your hate hasn’t stopped you from doing many good things, like working hard, trimming your budget, and sticking with your wife. You’re suffering and whining, but doing (most of) the right things.
If you think you’re supposed to be happy, given your temperament and budget, then think again. If, however, you know you’re cursed, then you can really appreciate the unexpected strength you’ve shown. You haven’t let your anger push you into drugs, sloth, or running away.
So take it up one more level. Respect what you’ve done, and use your self-respect to bottle up your anger a little more, and treat your wife better. You may well recover some of that good old chemistry if you can trim the nasty behavior (and accept a trimmed down budget).
STATEMENT:
“I miss the good old spending days and feel hopeless and angry when I have to think of living on a budget and never spree-ing again. I wish my rage would ease up; but that doesn’t seem to be in the cards. So I’m proud that I’ve stuck with my values, no matter how bitter I feel, in most areas of my life; and I wish I could stick with them in the one relationship that is most important to me and that, unfortunately, has absorbed the brunt of the anger I can’t express elsewhere.”
