Posted by fxckfeelings on April 4, 2011
When you were a kid and let your friends coax you into doing something stupid, your mother probably asked you if you’d jump off a bridge if your friends told you to. You were supposed to answer no, and that now applies not just to your snot-nosed childhood friends, but to everyone, including your spouse. It’s hard to remember that you have a right to make your own judgment when your significant other is very sure of his or hers, but listen to your mother’s advice: you’re not obliged to follow anyone blindly, especially now that you’re an adult. Learn to slow down and look at your own moral compass. After all, Mom also probably told you to look before you leap.
–Dr. Lastname
I wish I could be more tolerant of my girlfriend’s opinions. She’s very nice to me, but she gets bent out of shape by political events, or her neighbor’s activities, and then goes off on rants like a Fox commentator, and I just don’t like it. I don’t necessarily disagree with her, I’m just a peaceful girl who doesn’t like conflict. When I tell her I’m uncomfortable, she says she needs to be free to express her opinion and that I shouldn’t try to stifle her. My goal is to tolerate her personality better.
Some people say girls should be good listeners, and there are times listening is a virtue. Other times, you can lose yourself and wake up as Edith Bunker. You’ve already got an Archette.
Just because someone who is loud and full of strong opinions is nice to you doesn’t mean you have to listen when she wants to sound off. Listening should be a choice, not an obligation. After all, if a date treats you to dinner, you don’t have to put out. You also don’t have to eternally listen up.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on March 24, 2011
There are many good reasons love is often compared to delicious food, and one is that delicious food, like love, has a habit of sticking to your bones, and memory, long after the meal is done. While good food can become fat, love gone wrong curdles into regret, sadness, and/or ill will. If you don’t accept those feelings, regardless of how undesirable they are, you’re doomed to stay miserable/stuck in your fat pants. Fortunately, you aren’t what you feel, or what you eat, so you can learn to manage your love aftermath by admitting to the heartbreak, learning from the experience, and continuing your search for love while on a reasonable diet.
–Dr. Lastname
I was cut off suddenly by someone I loved 6 years ago, and it still feels like it happened yesterday. I want to move on so that I can have feelings for another person, but it just hasn’t happened. I’m afraid I will feel like this forever.
When you can’t get over being dumped, and time is healing no wounds, then check out two possible reasons. Three reasons if you have a large tattoo of your ex’s name in a highly visible place, but that’s a simpler problem to fix.
One is that your personality may have innate tendencies to hang on, or obsess, or self-blame, or do something that keeps losses from fading away. Sadly, personality isn’t something you control; if anything, it controls you.
That’s why good, smart people may find they tend to hang on to old losses, and figuring out why is often an excuse for hanging on rather than letting go. If you tend to hang on, accept that fact about yourself so you can learn to manage it (despite the past, your feelings, or your personality).
The second reason is that grief, guilt or regret may lead you to do things that keep you hanging on (like, in certain cases, therapy). WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 17, 2011
Being diagnosed with mental illness won’t necessarily screw up your life, and screwing up your life doesn’t mean you have mental illness. In any case, people are most effective at managing screw-ups and mental illness when they’re ready to face the worst case scenario, assuming they can do so without letting it reflect on the quality of their management. Consider the worst, hope for the best, and don’t let your fears distort your perception of reality. In other words, don’t panic or feel that you’ve failed when somebody acts “crazy” or you’ll end up driving yourself nuts.
–Dr. Lastname
Are there varying degrees of bipolar? My son is 21 and just diagnosed in Sept 2010. He is a student, a swimmer with his university and a likeable, good-looking guy. He is medicated (lithium and Zyprexa) and is doing pretty well. He complains about concentration issues. I just feel sometimes like I need to be reassured that this is manageable and that there are positive stories of other people with bipolar. I hope and pray that he will lead a fulfilling life, marry and have a family. We are all just trying to adapt to this diagnosis.
Not only are there varying degrees of “bipolar,” there are probably various kinds as well, but we don’t know enough about what’s going on biologically to say. Like the Supreme Court once said of obscenity, you know it when you see it, but it takes many forms.
Basically, the word “bipolar” doesn’t have a lot of meaning other than as a description of someone who had an over-the-top episode of wild, excited, high-risk, inappropriately-undressed behavior that then, most probably, was calmed down by lithium.
Since we don’t have a biological definition of bipolar, we’re forced to use the word to describe the unluckiest cases, the ones who have the most severe symptoms that last the longest and come back the most often, simply because they’re the ones that are easiest to categorize.
There are probably lots of mild or brief cases that don’t get included in the definition, so the diagnosis seems to imply severe symptoms and a difficult future, when, actually, there are probably lots of mild cases. So yes, you’re right, he may not have it as bad as people think when they hear the word “bipolar” (which is to say, he will probably doing a lot better than Charlie Sheen).
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Posted by fxckfeelings on March 14, 2011
When someone expects a lot from you, it’s supposed to be a sign of respect; they think you’re capable enough to achieve great things. A lot of the time, however, it’s just a reflection of their false hopes and laziness, because they want you to be able to do everything they can’t do, the generally impossible, the dishes, and everything in between. If you accept their overly-optimistic assumptions, you’ll also share their frustration, guilt, and maybe blame. Don’t start helping before giving careful thought to what’s really possible. Then figure out a positive way to share the bad news…in the most respectful way possible.
–Dr. Lastname
It was just starting to look like my 25-year-old son had found some happiness and confidence when, bang, he had a bad motorcycle accident, broke his leg, lost his contract job because he couldn’t do it, and slipped back into the depression that has dogged him (and the rest of the family) since he was a teenager. He’s a good kid who managed to finish college in spite of dropping out a couple times because of depression, and now, to see him lying around the house, declaring that he’s just another “failure to launch,” is breaking my heart. My goal is to help him feel better about himself and life.
We’ve talked a lot recently about how some people have difficulty getting motivated after a long depression, but when you are depressed, you actually have tremendous motivation…to see your world as being shit.
Depression gives you the power and motivation to refuse to see it any other way. Even when depression isn’t in the cards, it’s hard to convince someone who’s feeling down that they’re wrong.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on March 10, 2011
Families are forever, just like diamonds and herpes, so it’s natural to want to change family relationships when they’re excruciating or failing apart. Everyone assumes that our best tools are communication and understanding; for some reason, we hold to this belief, even as repeated efforts to communicate and understand have made relationships worse. Whether a relationship is supposed to last for years or not, learn to accept it as it is. Then your plans will become more effective, but, like diamonds and herpes still, that relationship will remain hard, and there will be flare-ups.
–Dr. Lastname
My father asked me to write this letter for both of us. I was forced to move into my father’s one-room apartment and live with him after I lost my job and ran out of money (I’m 40). I’m grateful he took me in, and I’m trying to make enough money to get out on my own again. In the meantime, we’re stuck with one another, and we can’t stop fighting. I want him to understand the fact that I can’t help having a terrible temper, being very distractible, and not having the energy to clean things up because I’ve been diagnosed with depression and ADD. He wants me to understand that it’s hard to put up with my being a slob and never cleaning up and that he can’t help getting furious. We both want to put an end to the hostility.
Asking for understanding from your father is a really bad way to try to reduce hostilities, and a really good way to increase them. And no, it’s not opposite day.
Sure, he’s your dad, but let’s dispose of the notion that parent-child relationships are always supposed to be perfect, and can and must be fixed if they’re broken. Just because you share blood doesn’t mean you should share an apartment or that you can expect to get along, if you do.
As for “fixing” your relationship…well, if your father was fixed, you wouldn’t be here, and that would be the best solution to your conflict. Otherwise, you’re his son, but that doesn’t mean you should be able to get along.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on February 28, 2011
Dealing with jerks is difficult, but being related to jerks is torture, especially when they’re the kind of jerk (genus: ASSHOLE) who thinks everyone else is a jerk but them. Luckily, no matter how closely related you are, you don’t have to share their beliefs or give them what they want. Still, you’re stuck with them, because, while maintaining a relationship sucks, the alternative is usually worse, so learn how to make the relationship no worse than it has to be. Keep your feelings to yourself, figure out your own standard of conduct, and hope the jerk gene dies with them.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve read my son’s Facebook and email (he left the stuff on the computer screen last time he visited), and he tells his friends he had a terrible childhood, and his parents are assholes. As his dad, my attitude is: Fuck him and his shit. Breaks my heart, but I paid over $100k for his school, and I’m not rich by any measure. His mother thinks we should be working to find out why we have this split. This is new since he went to college (now graduated and gainfully employed)– he’s an only child, now 25. I’d not have paid for his school if I knew what a sociopath he would become. He seems to want two separate lives, one we’re allowed to know about, and one we’re not, with the latter being where we are horrible folks and he was a poor abused kid that made his way up through some undefined poverty and difficulty. His mother and I are going to be divorced soon if we can’t resolve this. I want nothing to do with the ungrateful asshole, and she thinks I am a terrible father for not understanding he has a mental illness. He doesn’t acknowledge any problem, refuses to speak to us if there is any “drama.” In fact he wouldn’t return a call for three months. This is the only issue my wife and I have, but it is consuming us and we’re arguing continuously.
Before you get carried away reacting to your son’s blame, ingratitude, and nastiness, think of the goal you set for yourself when you decided to have a kid (assuming it wasn’t an incidental goal after “getting laid”).
Unless you’re foolish enough to believe in a father’s power to make his kid turn out right by bringing him up right, you know that bringing up kids is a crapshoot. (That’s why you should always hedge your bets by having more than one).
The only goal you can possibly set for yourself and your wife as parents is to do a good job and hope for the best. Like all parents, you probably had big dreams for him, and hey, so did Mama and Papa Gaddafi.
So you’re not alone in finding out that the kid you loved and nurtured sees you as an abuser. It’s life at its most unfair, but whether or not your spawn turns out to be a jerk just isn’t under your control.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on February 21, 2011
If you’re a hard-working woman who fails to achieve her ambitions, you probably want to eliminate whatever gets in your way, whether it’s sexism or an obstacle within your personality (all while being stereotyped as a shoulder-pad-wearing, stiletto-wielding, backstabbing she-beast). Don’t forget, however, that the most common obstacle isn’t evil co-workers or ill-fitting suits, but the irritating fact that life is hard and unfair, meaning it’s completely out of your perfectionistic control and power to eliminate. That’s why you can never let your definition of success depend on luck or outcomes, or judge yourself by how far you get. Instead, base your evaluation on what you do with whatever you’ve got, including bad luck, stereotypes, and fashion.
–Dr. Lastname
I am writing about my wife, who’s in her 50s. She is a very successful surgeon (one in a handful women head of dept. in her country), but she’s been very unhappy at work and I am writing you a), for advice on how I can help her and b), to ask if there is something I overlooked. She is unhappy since she has now twice been sidelined and been made to leave jobs where she worked very hard and believed she made a positive difference. In the first case, her department (one she build from scratch to become the largest in the region) was merged with another to meet international norms, but she was passed over to head the new, merged unit and was asked to accept half her salary (she refused and won a settlement in a lawsuit). In the second case she ran a department for a few years, then management decided to hire a new head as her senior and restrict her duties to exclude her specialties and personal preferences. She decided to stay, but even though she’s working hard, and numbers and patient reports say she is doing a good job, she not only does not receive recognition she craves, but sees her career and job threatened again. She cannot do her job halfheartedly, but she doesn’t have a sunny temperament and is hard on herself. Our children have moved away, and she and I work so hard we really only see each other on weekends, so there’s so much to put her happiness in peril. How can I help her? Why did she get demoted? Would fixing her work fix things or make them better?
Of course you’d like to spare your surgeon wife the unhappiness that goes with perfectionism and power politics. You love her, you want to see her happy, and you wish you could remove the pain the way she’d slice off a tumor.
Before I get to all the questions you’ve posed, however, you need to ask yourself one important thing—why or how you think sparing her such pain is possible.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on February 17, 2011
Now that Valentine’s Day has once again come and gone, let us oppose the sentimentality that equates love with romance, good sex and a chocolate and roses assortment. In real life, relationships are a flowerless affair fraught with bad sex and bickering. True love is not pretty hearts and valentines, but what you do to stay together and show respect when you’re feeling anything but. It’s not the chocolates or the fights, but the way you move past them that matters.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband, a heterosexual, healthy 37-year-old man who loves me, does not want to have sex with me most of the time. We used to have good sex for the first year or so, but then with time it became less and less frequent, e.g., every 6-9 months. I am attractive and feel that other men find me desirable. We tried talking, seeing a sex therapist (didn’t go well, he just found the whole thing frustrating and upsetting and was angry with me for making him go). He says he doesn’t know why he doesn’t feel like having sex with me, but it deeply affects my self-esteem and our relationship. I gained some weight (20 pounds) and went from skinny to curvy over the last 10 years, and I know that it was a big(ish) issue for him. I’m currently doing good diet/exercise routine and am slowly loosing the extra pounds, but I really don’t know how much it will help. He says he finds other women attractive and would probably have sex with them if he was single, so obviously the issue is with us/me or our relationship. He also says that he loves me a lot and is faithful, but we don’t have fun anymore and that I always complain and want to have serious talks, and he’s tired of it. Overall it’s a good relationship, with some ups and downs, but we’re honest with each other and love each other very much. I would really appreciate some advice since I’m losing hope that it will ever change.
It feels good to feel attractive, sexy, rich, powerful, or whatever, but those feelings, or any feelings, don’t make a good foundation for building your self-esteem or your partnership. And they’re quicksand to a healthy marriage.
After all, you won’t always be attractive or sexy (age, weight gain/loss, a rare case of leprosy), and you may lose your riches or power (poor economy, joblessness, making “bunga bunga” with a teenager like a certain political Italian).
At that point, if you believe what your feelings tell you, you’ll be a loser, and your marriage will be worthless. It’s better to stop that kind of thinking right away and, above all, not to talk like that to your husband.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on February 14, 2011
All kids mess up—they take after parents, after all. Even more than their parents, they’re vulnerable to acting impulsively due to a cranial cocktail of stupidity, hormones and youth. They’re half-baked brains often interfere with any and all important activities, from behaving decently to getting homework done. There’s no good reason to hold them responsible for most of what goes wrong, then, but every reason to hold them and ourselves responsible for trying any reasonable remedial tactic and treatment. You can’t stop the apple from falling where it will, but you may be able to pick it up before the worms get it.
–Dr. Lastname
My 15-year-old daughter was stealing, using drugs, and staying out all night until I had her arrested and brought to court in shackles, where the judge put her under the supervision of a probation officer. At that point, which was a week ago, she started to behave herself and act like the nice kid she can sometimes be, until today, when I noticed money missing from my wallet and found a bong in her room. I hate putting her through another “scared straight” court confrontation, but she has choices, and she has to learn that there are consequences. My goal is to make sure she makes the right ones.
I’ve heard that nutty “kids have choice” concept applied to fatties, druggies, and sex perverts, as well as kids. I’ve also seen it proven false. Every time.
Everyone wants choices, but when impulses take over, they can get you to do things before the concept of choice has even entered your head. That’s why, at this point, the choice is yours, not hers; whether or not to slow her down with some tough training.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on February 10, 2011
Those of us who make our livings from human interaction wouldn’t turn much of a profit if people weren’t so sensitive to what others were thinking. When you sense that those thoughts aren’t positive, it’s hard to overcome the hurt and anger and remember what you were after in the first place. If, however, you can put aside any thought of expressing negative feelings and stick to your own script, you can avoid the pitfalls of being over perceptive (and save money on my services).
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve run a small non-profit for 20 years and always enjoyed a good relationship with my board, but the new chairman, who’s a nice guy, has started to drive me crazy. We should be working closely together on a search for the new chief financial officer, but instead this guy seems to be waiting until the last minute and does nothing to keep me in the loop. I want to let him know I’m upset with the way he’s been avoiding and ignoring my input and get the search process back on track. My goal is to regain control at work and get the respect I deserve after two decades at this job.
Life is an endless series of assaults on your respect. Your kids don’t respect you, your Starbucks cashier doesn’t respect you, the people who write ads for the Superbowl certainly don’t respect you. Alas.
So, no matter how much right you have to feel disrespected, and how hard it is to ignore the feeling, disrespect is not the issue you should be addressing, or really bother addressing, ever.
As the wise Carrie Fisher once said, “resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Focusing on this other guy and his perceived slights just distracts you from your own agenda.
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