Posted by fxckfeelings on March 7, 2011
Some self-help experts tell us that we control our destiny! All that does is make you feel responsible for things working out in the end, which is why your automatic response when that doesn’t happen is to figure out where you went wrong while feeling like a shitty, guilty mess. The truth is most big problems can’t work out in the end, particularly when they involve illness and aging, and the only thing wrong is that we’re living in a very, very tough world. Instead of asking where you failed, be proud of what you achieved despite being destined to suffer at nature’s whim.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve been very helpful and patient with my husband since he suffered brain damage after being hit by a car, but I’ve just about had it. Everyone in our families focuses on finding a new treatment for him, and we’re all happy that he’s recovered some functions and can now talk and stand up. The trouble is, I’m exhausted, I’ve got no time to go out and make a living, and he’s gotten into the habit of telling me what I’m supposed to do without a please, thank you or may I. My goal is to set him straight and let him know I can’t keep it up at this pace and that he needs to improve his tone.
Setting someone straight when he wants too much from you usually leads to a guilt fest; you make him feel guilty, he guilts you right back, and it’s a regular guiltapalooza.
You wouldn’t be knocking yourself out in the first place if you didn’t feel responsible and, yes, guilty for not doing more. Of course, you may be knocking yourself out doing things that are really, really necessary, but that’s unlikely. Guilt rarely works that way.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on March 3, 2011
Pride comes before the fall, and the fall is sometimes into a prolonged depression, which, to mix metaphors, can lead to a lengthy winter of discontent. No matter how much you deserve to be confident in a job well done at work, there are uncontrollable things that can put the brakes on your momentum or just stop you from doing excelling work. One of the major sources of stalling is the aforementioned depression. That’s when you either find a more solid source of pride or start seeing yourself as a failure, and you know what we advocate. Real excellence is accepting your best work when it’s not excellent, and real pride comes with healthy expectations and is fall-free.
–Dr. Lastname
After 5 years of facing up to issues with PTSD after a sexual assault, depression, anxiety and feeling generally emotionally disconnected, I felt that I made progress. As a creative person, I was stuck in a job surrounded by other artists but not creating anything myself. I left my job last autumn and set myself up as a freelance artist and have been working hard at being pro-active. I have been ignoring the signs of depression since last November, maybe earlier. I am doing the bare minimum just to support myself but over the past month or so I have been sinking down further and further. I feel like a failure to be back at this place again. In the past I have taken anti-depressants but they cut all creative flow off and I just can’t do that again, it’s the only thing holding me together at the moment. I cried last night for the first time in 9 years at the sheer frustration of not moving forwards and not being the artist I want to be. I’ve kind of given up on the idea of having the things normal people do like family (have no contact with my own), so I do tend to define myself by my art. My goal is to be brave enough and good enough to create the work that I feel is inside me without sabotaging or running away.
One of the dangers of being an artist is that you may gain too much confidence in your control over creativity. Sometimes, you feel the muse. Most of the time, you feel the misery.
When you feel inspired, you define yourself by your art, despite the lack of control you have over it. Creative types are in the unique position where talent and productivity don’t necessarily go hand-in-hand. When the former outweighs the latter, problems ensue.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on February 7, 2011
When in the midst of one of life’s many shit storms, it’s easy to forget that feeling helpless and feeling that things are out of your control aren’t the same thing. It’s probably true that you don’t have much control over what troubles you, but that doesn’t mean you’re totally powerless and doomed to total annihilation. Helplessness, after all, is just a feeling, and a dangerous one if it makes you give up, lose faith, or act like a jerk. So if you can take a step back and look at what you actually can do, even if it’s very little, those shitty storm clouds will begin to clear.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t stand myself since I lost my job—I know I hated my boss and I was looking forward to retiring in a year, but I liked the clients and was good at what I did—but getting fired was humiliating and unfair and now I don’t feel like doing anything or going out. I can’t make myself feel better and my medications aren’t working and my friends can’t cheer me up. My goal is to feel like my old self and do the kind of work I can now afford to do, since I don’t really need the money.
The job you lost is one you hated, you have enough money to live on, and you now have the freedom to do whatever you want…this is probably what you’ve already heard from your friends a million times.
What they don’t know is that thinking that way just makes you feel worse.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on January 24, 2011
As a general rule, the worst kind of advice is unsolicited, but when you’re a parent, it often feels like giving your two cents is your duty, even if no one asks for it. Of course, it’s hard to offer good advice to your children about touchy, questionable decisions they’ve already made. It’s amazing what you can say and get away with, however, if, instead of giving them a piece of your mind, you take the time to ask them questions about where their mind’s at without any negativity or judgment. Hopefully, you’ll come to a conclusion that makes sense to both of you, and you can save your two cents for a rainy day.
–Dr. Lastname
I wish I could be sure that my daughter is getting the right treatment for my grandson. He’s 7-years-old and been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and his doctor started him on a drug called Abilify, which has some nasty side-effects. I’ve read on the internet that Abilify can be harmful to kids and I wish my daughter and her husband would think twice before allowing themselves to be talked into using it, but I don’t want to intrude into their decision. My goal is to make sure my grandson isn’t harmed.
Never ask someone if they’re sure they know what they’re doing, because if they weren’t sure, you wouldn’t need to ask in the first place.
If you do end up asking your daughter why she’s exposing her son to a dangerous medication, not only will she answer yes, but she’ll give you an annoyed earful as to how she’s doing the right thing, how you don’t know what you’re talking about, and how you should just mind your own business.
She might not know what she’s doing, but neither did you when you opened your mouth.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on January 13, 2011
When faced with scary health issues, from strange lumps to bad thoughts, people often avoid treatments that hurt, particularly after long-standing symptoms have sapped their hope, fed self-hate, or fostered bad habits. They deny anything’s wrong, or they insist that resistance is futile, but either way, if you criticize them for not helping themselves, they will readily agree, hate themselves more, and burrow deeper into their holes and further away from treatment. Before they can find the way out, they need to reconnect with their real strength. Only by recognizing their actual achievements and their past and potential courage, can they face what ails them. The pain may continue, but not its power to intimidate and paralyze.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: In responding to suicidal goals, as in the case below, we do not presume to offer emotional support. If you’re at risk of hurting yourself, you should, of course, go to an emergency room, discuss your state of mind with a professional, and decide how much support you need in order to remain safe. In most of the cases we encounter, however, our correspondents are not simply suicidal; they are familiar with treatment and have come to believe that it won’t help. Often, we must agree that their feelings are unlikely to change in the near future. What we try to demonstrate, however, is that negative feelings create falsely negative and hopeless beliefs and that there are ways to recover your strength and perspective, even when the pain won’t let up.
I’m considering suicide. My life is a joke. I am in my late 30s and female and I have never had a relationship with a man. Several men have used me for sex and at least 2 of them begged me not to tell any of their friends they’d had sex with me. I’ve never been loved, been held, been listened to, been cherished. I’ve just been used like a toilet. On the outside I’m pretty. I can hold a conversation and I have a reasonable number of friends. But I hate myself and I don’t feel good enough. I was abandoned by both parents and I was raped for the first time when I was about 2-years-old. It’s like men I meet can smell the self-hate on me and they treat me accordingly. I do not have even one person in my life who cares about me or who I could trust. My friends are there to go for drinks or dinner with me if they can find nothing better to do but they are not there to be supportive ever, in any way. What is the point of me continuing to live?
It’s horrible to feel that you don’t belong to the human race, except for your ability to satisfy the needs and cravings of jerks.
Remember, however, that those feelings almost always beget more falsely negative beliefs, particularly about relationships. Whether or not you’ve done anything wrong, you feel infinitely rejectable, comfortable in the company of jerks, and anxious around people you respect, since you know they will reject you for your anxiety and fundamental worthlessness.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on December 16, 2010
It’s easy to feel like a success when you’re given a gold medal; and when you’re just another schmuck getting lapped at the local track, it’s hard to take much joy from your efforts. If success is subjective, so is failure. If, however, we look at our accomplishments objectively, our lives are actually Special Olympics, and many of us who feel like losers are really champions.
–Dr. Lastname
My son makes a living and he’s a nice guy, but I don’t think he’s ever really pushed himself or lived up to his smarts. He works in a pet shop and lives with a nice girlfriend, but he’s 30 already. All his friends are professionals who own their own homes, and he cleans animal cages and rents an apartment. I wish I knew how to motivate him to do more with his life. Maybe if he went into therapy he’d discover that he’s afraid of success.
To paraphrase Fran Lebowitz, if you’re an American white Christian male and you’re not President of the United States, to some degree, you blew it.
It seems logical to say, about any bright, well-educated kid, that he could do anything if he really wanted to, particularly in this country, and that it’s a shame if he didn’t seize his opportunities.
If you truly agree with this statement or Fran’s, however, your thinking is wishful and potentially dangerous.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on November 15, 2010
Working hard at school usually gets you a well deserved A (and, if you’re a certain advice-giving psychiatrist, a Harvard degree). Working hard at relationships, however, never guarantees success; it doesn’t necessarily get you what you deserve, whether it’s a good mate or a better relationship with a parent. Your efforts and motivations may be pure, but too much that you don’t control is always there to get in the way. Don’t take it as a failure then if you’re lonely and have mixed feelings about going home for Thanksgiving. The biggest success, for many of us, isn’t a frequently-mentioned set of Harvard degrees, but preventing sorrow from making us do something stupid.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m a 47-year-old woman who has never been married. My goal is to find out if circumstances have simply kept me from meeting a suitable partner, or if there’s something I’m doing or something about me that has kept me from finding/recognizing someone who might have been the right choice. I’m attractive, extremely bright, I have a great sense of humor, and am warm and open. I have wonderful friends of both sexes. The downside is I’ve had some serious health issues, including one chronic illness that has directly and indirectly undercut my most important career and personal goals and, to some extent, my sense of myself as the kind of person I wanted to be (accomplished and desirable). I’m under a kind of chronic stress and I don’t feel I’m living my life fully. To restate my goal, how do I figure out what, if anything, has kept me from having a successful relationship?
Don’t disrespect yourself by assuming that being single means you’ve done something wrong. If your problem finding a partner were anything obvious, like a stupid compulsion to dump good guys or an aversion to bathing, you probably would’ve figured it out at some point in the past 47 years.
Also, don’t disrespect yourself by giving illness and bad luck the power to define your self-worth. Yes, it’s nice to be healthy, rich and thin and it feels like success. Real success, however, is knowing you did your best when things turned out badly and left you hurting; it comes from pride in the effort, not pride in the outcome.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on November 11, 2010
Anger is commonly taken as a sign of imbalance, sickness, and a personal failure to find peace. Anyone who’s ever had their lunch money stolen, been married (or divorced), or just driven in downtown Boston, however, knows that the above notion is bullshit; anger is what it is, and is often unavoidable. As with most of life’s near-uncontrollable impulses, it’s what you do with it, or what you let it do to you, that counts.
–Dr. Lastname
I was diagnosed with Parkinsons five years ago, and cannot for the life of me figure out how to get beyond being PISSED OFF about it. No, I don’t want to find a new hobby, interest or job. I was perfectly happy with my “pre-Parkinsons” hobbies, interests and job…thankyouverymuch. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sitting around throwing what anyone would consider a pity party; in fact, I have people frequently tell me how amazed they are at how well I’ve adjusted to my “new life”. I’m doing all those “plan B” hobbies, interests and jobs that any self-respecting chronically diseased person should attempt to do. But, the bottom line is that I HATE all this plan B bullsh*t! So far, all the talk therapy, antidepressants, Zen type activities and straight up “get a grip” self talk have proven no match for my anger. Quality of life is much more important to me than quantity, so I’m in serious need of a plan C that includes quality improvement. Any suggestions on how I can get the hell out of my own way long enough to ever device a plan C?
Anyone who writes as eloquently and vigorously as you do has a curse as well as a gift: high expectations for a life that meets your standards for fun, creativity, and excellence.
While your gifts make you a more interesting person, there’s a special hell reserved for those with special gifts who develop them well…and then run into a brick wall.
Other people think you’ve still got lots going for you, and they’re right to some degree. What you know, however, is how far short you, and life, fall below expectations. It feels like a personal failure and total fuck-up, which, to every degree, is wrong.
In addition, neurological illness can have a direct effect on the parts of your brain that control rage and pleasure. You can be doing all the right things—and are, from the sound of it—and still feel explosively miserable, not because you’re reacting to illness, but because of your illness.
So, it’s no surprise that Parkinsons has left you madder’n hell, and I don’t see why you should expect that to change. You were happy when you were firing on all cylinders; now you can’t, and you’re not, and you’re not the kind of person to get over it, at least not completely.
That said, ask yourself what else makes your life meaningful other than doing the things you love to do and being happy. What seems to matter to you is doing the most with what you’ve got and, I would guess, helping others and being a good friend to those you care about.
You’ve probably thought of this, but I bet you’d be of particular help to other people with neurological illness who struggle with anger. In the beginning, it might help you to know that you aren’t alone and that there are good, respectable people who feel the same way and can’t help it.
As time went on, you’d also come to appreciate how hard it is for someone to do the good, constructive things you’ve done, particularly when the anger won’t let up. Then other people would take hope from seeing what you’ve done. It might not be as good as one of your “plan A” hobbies– it’s probably better.
You might even find yourself specializing in helping those who are really, really angry. Hey, a lot of us get into this business for similar reasons, and that’s why we get as much out of it as our patients do.
So don’t “get a grip,” get a posse. And then maybe, if it appeals to you, a practice.
STATEMENT:
“I wish I could achieve a little serenity about my chronic illness, but I can’t, so I’ll try to be serene about my rage instead. I’ll try to continue to do good in this world, even if I can never feel good, and take pride in the way I fuckin’ bear this fuckin’ burden.”
I hate my wife so much it’s hard to live with her or remember what a good marriage we used to have. In the old days, she was wonderful at throwing parties and having fun and buying me beautiful presents, and we traveled everywhere. Then, after an unfortunate financial wipe-out, she became a miser and a nag. She doesn’t mind living on less; she does volunteer work and is happy with her hobbies. I, on the other hand, feel like life has become miserable and I’ve lost my best friend and she doesn’t understand or care how I feel. I’ve also cut back on spending and I work pretty hard; and, shortly after this crisis, I discovered I’m bipolar and I’ve learned how to manage my mood swings pretty well, but there are times I can’t stop myself from snarling at her and wishing she was dead. I hate feeling this way.
Anger is a kind of agony, unless you have some hope of smiting your tormentor or achieving some kind of relief/release, in which case you have a lust that is usually stronger than lust (and no fear of the criminal justice system).
The trouble is, anger is everywhere and unavoidable unless you’ve been lobotomized; irritability is a common symptom of mood swings, both highs and lows, and that’s excluding the many uncontrollably irritating things that can happen to you.
So it’s no wonder that the main reason many people see shrinks is to get over their rage. In the words of the preacher in The Big Chill, “I’m angry and I don’t know what to do with my anger.” I don’t know what to do with it, either, but I don’t mind being paid to think about it.
Between your bipolar mood swings, and your need for excitement (which is part of having bipolar mood swings), you’re bound to feel angry, particularly if you have to rein yourself in. You’re the object of a double reining: from an exhausted bank account and mood stabilizers. In other words, you’re double fucked.
Then again, remember the main reason most of us get married– to have someone to blame. As such, it’s very hard for you not to hate your wife, which brings up another positive observation: your hate hasn’t stopped you from doing many good things, like working hard, trimming your budget, and sticking with your wife. You’re suffering and whining, but doing (most of) the right things.
If you think you’re supposed to be happy, given your temperament and budget, then think again. If, however, you know you’re cursed, then you can really appreciate the unexpected strength you’ve shown. You haven’t let your anger push you into drugs, sloth, or running away.
So take it up one more level. Respect what you’ve done, and use your self-respect to bottle up your anger a little more, and treat your wife better. You may well recover some of that good old chemistry if you can trim the nasty behavior (and accept a trimmed down budget).
STATEMENT:
“I miss the good old spending days and feel hopeless and angry when I have to think of living on a budget and never spree-ing again. I wish my rage would ease up; but that doesn’t seem to be in the cards. So I’m proud that I’ve stuck with my values, no matter how bitter I feel, in most areas of my life; and I wish I could stick with them in the one relationship that is most important to me and that, unfortunately, has absorbed the brunt of the anger I can’t express elsewhere.”
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 8, 2010
Sometimes asking questions over and over again is a good way to avoid the fact that you already know the answers, you just don’t like them. The answers are probably bad news that require you to live with pain, but by refusing to accept them, you don’t postpone that pain, just force yourself to keep living with the same problems with the added extra of uncertainty and compound pain interest. It’s better to take the answer you don’t want and face the truth bravely, even if the truth is that you’re fucked.
–Dr. Lastname
I take medication for my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and every night, when I take my pill, I wash it down with a couple of beers. My OCD takes the form of compulsive worrying about my health, or the possible bad effects of things I’ve done, and it’s partially prevented me from practicing law. I know you’re not supposed to drink when you take meds like this, but the beer helps me sleep, and my OCD hasn’t gotten worse with the booze. Still, I know it’s a bad idea, and while my primary care physician and my psychiatrist have said it’s OK, they seem a little doubtful. At the same time, they can’t point me to any definitive articles on the subject. My goal is to get you to give me an answer that will make me comfortable.
If your OCD is worrying compulsively about your health, and you’re searching for a definitive opinion to help you stop worrying about your health…surely you see how you’re putting the symptom before the horse.
You already know that the comfortable feelings you get from experts’ answers don’t last long; they can seldom stand up to new doubts prompted by afterthoughts, things you’ve read, and the general mental itch, I’ve-got-to-check-things-over-again-OCD feeling.
Comfortable is not an option. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 25, 2010
No matter how much you love someone, you might not be able to read them that well; signals get crossed, personalities clash, pissyness abounds. You can try to improve “communication” through several years/thousand dollars on relationship therapies, but you can never change your personality or the personality of the person you happen to love who also happens to drive you crazy. If you can never perfectly read someone, you can learn to recognize the warning signs of unavoidable conflict and accept the pain as the necessary price of making things work. It’s not a perfect solution, but it’s cheaper than therapy, and cheaper still than divorce.
–Dr. Lastname
My 18-year-old nephew moved in with me and my boyfriend this summer to be close to the internship program he’s doing this year. I love my nephew, and he’s very smart about computers, but he’s a really geeky kid and never very quick to notice how people are reacting; when monopolizes the TV or leaves a mess in the kitchen, my boyfriend tries to make it clear he’s annoyed, but it goes straight over my nephew’s head. My boyfriend’s about had it and wants my nephew out because he thinks the kid’s a selfish jerk (instead of just a nerdy dork). My boyfriend, needless to say, hasn’t lived with kids in many years and tends to take things personally. My goal is to get my boyfriend to back off and/or my nephew to tune in.
Cursed be the peacemaker, because the only agreement that peacemakers are certain to create between warring parties is that they both hate the peacemaker.
If you press your boyfriend to be nicer, he’ll wonder why you’re more sympathetic to a self-absorbed, snotty kid than to your long-term, adult partner.
Your nephew, if he notices the tension at all, will wonder why his aunt can’t protect him from being picked on (and why nobody can protect him, since this probably happens all the time). Good intentions are dangerous, in a situation like this, unless you’re careful about your goals.
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