Posted by fxckfeelings on January 5, 2012
Whether you take pride in controlling your health with the latest developments in modern medicine, ancient holistic treatments, or the dictums of Xenu, you’re making the same basic mistake in thinking that you control your health. Depression is especially insidious, because there’s no amount of will power or even therapy that can make for a perfect solution. So gather techniques wherever you may using whatever works to deal with what ails you, just remember that the goal isn’t finding a cure, but the best methods to help you cope.
–Dr. Lastname
I have suffered from anxiety and depression much of my life. My most recent (and most devastating) bout was a couple of years ago, when I worked with a therapist and managed to heave myself out of it without the use of antidepressants (which I had been on in the past and want to learn to live without.) Now I find myself slipping back in. My biggest issue seems to be that I put too much stock in what others think of me or might think of me (I’m really good at fabricating things people might be saying about me.) I also had a baby last year, which has prevented me from pursuing my career fully, so when I hear of the successes of others (or see them on Facebook) I get very anxious and feel that the universe is unjust. I want to be a good mom, and I want to be good at my job, but I feel I am failing at both and resenting others who are great at either. I was made fun of a lot when I was a kid and I think I still carry some of this baggage around, like whatever decision I make is the wrong one because I’m basically a loser. How can I focus on myself and my own life without worrying about what everyone else is up to or what they may think about me?
While you already have a good idea of what to do about your negative thinking, you still need to protect yourself from two bad ideas that you express here. Unfortunately, those two ideas are also your “goals.”
First, disavow yourself of the notions that you should be able to stop depression without using medication and that you should find a way to be less, for lack of a better word, insecure. In doing so, you won’t be giving up—you’ll be giving yourself some relief. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 29, 2011
Being thoughtful is good, but being thoughtful to the point of painful obsession is having OCD, with fearful thoughts that stick in your brain and won’t go away unless you do something sort-of-magical and sort-of-stupid that gives you a moment of relief (before your fears start again). The good news is that it happens to good people who learn how to manage and live with it, which can happen much more easily if you can abandon the worst obsession of all—finding a way to cure the OCD altogether.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: Monday is also a fxckfeelings.com holiday. Happy New Year (and again, if/when it’s unhappy, you know the drill).
I’m a current student and I’ve sort of self-diagnosed myself as having an unusual kind of OCD. It started out four years ago when I was studying for an upcoming major exam. I had always been one of the few top students, but at one point in time in the midst of hours of straight studying, I couldn’t absorb any more info, and in a fit of frustration, a ball of emotions welled up and I actually said harshly in my mind to myself, “you shall FAIL!”, even though I’ve always tried to avoid such negative thinking. What came next was an unshakable, unexplainable, and annoying-yet-scary series of feelings, thoughts and emotions for the next few days and weeks. After that episode, I developed an irrational apprehension about me having “ruined” myself and my academic ability. To get myself back to my normal, anxiety-free mind when studying or doing anything related to studies, I imagined “transferring” the whole chunk of this mental mess on other stuff, whether it is the faces of people who did badly in academics in my field, to those I don’t like, etc. Still, my mind would automatically be inclined to have these random obsessions appear in my mind while studying, and it’s really prevented me from fully unleashing my full academic ability in subsequent grades. I really felt restrained and trapped by this, and my goal is to eliminate this strong-rooted (it’s been 4 years) mental condition that happens whenever I study and then makes it almost impossible.
Some OCD thoughts are crippling but come out of nowhere, like fear of contamination or making a mistake. While they often lead to compulsive rituals, like repeated hand-washing and fact-checking, you manage to keep studying. So, while you’re suffering, you’re still lucky.
The fact that your obsessive fears are tied to school may make them easier to deal with, because, unlike germs, school (usually) doesn’t go on forever.
School is built on mental constructs that attract obsessions like lint to a dryer vent; it’s got grades, grade-points, and exams that hinge on a word or the instructor’s interpretation of same. It invites obsession and obsessive argument, which can be torture, but at least it has an end date. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 19, 2011
When grown kids need permanent parental support, it’s hard for those parents to feel like they’ve succeeded. Every parent worries that they’re not doing enough for their kids, but for those who have adult kids with problems, that worry is amplified by anxiety and guilt. They can take over management, however, by assessing their responsibilities rationally and keeping their worries in check. It’s not healthy to care for and protect your children too much, but the only parents that fail are the ones that don’t care enough.
–Dr. Lastname
Helping my daughter pay the rent on a bigger apartment seems to have lifted her out of her depression and she’s much more active at her job, but she’s still not making enough money and I’m running out of cash. If I tell her that she has to take a roommate, I’m afraid she’ll just crawl under the covers again and we’ll be back where we started. It shouldn’t be that hard for her to make enough money, but it is. I’m mad and I’m stuck. My goal is to get her to make more money and/or understand that I can’t keep supporting her like this.
While you may think you’re giving your daughter money out of love, you’re actually doing it out of fear. That’s trouble, because when you give money out of fear, you’re usually being mugged.
Fear makes you forget long-term risks, like what you’ll do after you run out of money and the consequences for you, her, and other people who depend on you. Your love is infinite, but your finances aren’t. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 15, 2011
Feeling you’ve made a mistake is usually an instinctive reflex that has nothing to do with sober judgment and/or actual responsibility and a lot to do with guilt. You feel you’ve made a mistake when things turn out badly, or your efforts fail, or you’re still in pain, so you feel obliged to give yourself a good kick…which usually makes things worse. It’s not that we’re incapable of examining blame and responsibility rationally, it’s that self-flagellation gets rid of guilt faster than self-reflection keeps us from accepting a guilty verdict.
–Dr. Lastname
I have been struggling with performance anxiety for years. It was particularly difficult during university, where I saw three psychologists, including a campus counselor, who, while supportive, weren’t helpful. It got much better though when I was able to take control of a treatment group I was facilitating, where I could design the program and run it the way I wanted to. I enjoyed being the therapist who helps others, and the experience gave me confidence. Still, the anxiety has not been extinguished in all situations—when teaching and presenting at conferences, the anxiety in these two areas is just as high as it was previously. I have been managing this for a long time and I do not feel motivated to continue to place myself in situations where my anxiety is raised again so high that I experience nausea, stomach pains, dry mouth, etc., not to mention the exhaustion I feel after the anxious-provoking event has finished. I do have some mild/moderate social anxiety—I don’t like socializing in big groups unless I know the people, and this prevents me from making new social contacts and networking for my profession. I am well versed in exposure therapies and ACT and have used these to get me to the point I am at now, and I continue to use them. However, I don’t think my anxiety will ever improve beyond where it is now and I am too exhausted to continue to try. I guess I’m stuck and don’t know if I should try to find a specialist to help me to continue to force myself to network, push myself to present at conferences, and become an academic psychologist or move into working as a clinical psychologist in a private practice, where I would work more on my own and I would be happier and more relaxed but also know that I am avoiding the events that are anxiety-provoking.
Maybe being in the mental health business makes you feel more responsible for controlling symptoms of anxiety and becoming a role model for good mental health. It’s ironic, given that most people in our field are the worst role models for mental health. If we were totally sane, we’d just go into dermatology and rake it in.
If you are driven to perfection, it’s causing you to forget that certain symptoms, like anxiety, tend to be incurable, and that, if you’ve reached the point where you can’t make them better, it’s because you’ve done an amazing job of managing them and pushing yourself to the limit of what you can bear. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 12, 2011
Ideals often screw up priorities, because it’s much more attractive to go after something beautiful that you really, really want rather than take on whatever is do-able and necessary. It’s not a matter of killing your dreams, just being smart about them; the only antidote to faulty ideals is to exercise your common sense regularly, thinking about what’s likely to work, given your resources, rather than what you’d want the most in a fair, ideal world. You don’t need us to tell you that the world is not ideal, so beware reaching for the stars and falling on your face when the top shelf will do.
–Dr. Lastname
So I’m a 20-something girl who has been faced with a couple big problems in a short period of time, the first being that I am in my last semester of nursing school and I failed. This has been a very long hard stressful experience, and being faced with failure is devastating. I have to wait till September to try to get back into the program and that’s my last chance, so I’m having a hard time accepting that my very laid-out plan for my life is now in jeopardy. Also I am being faced with health issues, with myself and with my family, and finally, I have been in a mind-fuck of a relationship for three years with a person that shows me five different faces. I know all the ways he’s done me wrong but I cannot walk away because I have yet to conquer him, even tough I’m trying to accept the fact I cannot change him and need to stop being a doormat. In summary, I have obvious control issues, over-analyze everything, have anger that is uncontrollable if I don’t get what I want, and really need help to fix it.
Priorities are like dominos, and if you put the wrong one first, you lose your goals one by one. So, while this may look like a chaotic clusterfuck of issues, you probably already know that it’s actually a chain reaction caused by putting school behind this five-faced jerk.
After all, the main source of your strength is your desire to get stronger, pick up skills, and make a living, while the main source of weakness is, as usual for most people, your need for something/someone you can’t have.
Fortunately, you’re smart enough to recognize your effort to change your boyfriend is a compulsion that you just can’t stop, and you have the willpower and determination in your character to take on and pursue difficult goals.
Unfortunately, you’ve focused this strength on changing your boyfriend, thus throwing said smarts and willpower down the shitter. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 21, 2011
Most of us are sensitive about the stuff we don’t get done, particularly if we’re perfectionistic, prone to procrastination. If there isn’t an internal voice bombarding you with nagging, critical comments, there’s usually a parent/parent surrogate telling you to get off your ass and stop being such a lazy loser. By the way, if you don’t hear these motivational/critical messages internally or externally, you’re either unbelievably relaxed and confident, or you’re dead. Either way, you’re not someone who’s going to read a site like this. In any case, judging your performance reflexively is dangerous; it prevents you from protecting yourself against abuse and/or taking positive steps when you’re in a rut. The voices might always be there, but you should listen according to your own judgment.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: The next new post will be 11/28, after American Thanksgiving.
My husband and I get along better since I left with our daughter to start a new job in a nearby town, and he is usually polite when he comes for his weekend visits (he sleeps on the couch). He’s a devoted father, but sometimes, when he’s in a bad mood, he gets as nasty as ever and calls me a loser and a wimp who can’t keep things clean or make much money, and I’m back with the old feeling of not being able to do anything right. I suppose I should shut the fuck up, because anything I say just sets him off and gets our daughter upset. My goal is to keep my feelings to myself and keep the peace.
It’s hard to tell nasty criticism from the valid kind if you already tend to get down on yourself for not getting much done. Then again, it’s hard to get much done when you have a kid and an ex-husband who’s always criticizing you.
What you seem to be taking issue with is how unfair your ex’s judgments are, as if you’re agreeing with him that you’re a loser, but you wish he’d be less harsh. The real problem, however, is that, without carefully applying your own standards, you’re allowing yourself to take his judgments seriously in the first place. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 14, 2011
When you love someone who gets mentally ill and doesn’t recover, you may not only lose that part of their personality you loved the most, but also get stuck with a double dose of what you liked least. After all, it’s one thing to vow to be there in sickness and in health, but sickness and negativity and mania are usually more than most people bargain for. If your spouse’s mental illness makes your marriage unbearable, keep a lid on your negative feelings by respecting the burden life has put on both of you and refusing responsibility for putting things back the way they were. Once you can accept that sad reality, it’s time to figure out whether there’s room in your marriage for you, your spouse and the disease, or if your old vows no longer apply.
–Dr. Lastname
My wife suffers from non-medication responsive depression (we’ve done ECT’s, every med in the book, and she has a psychiatrist). She’s bitter and short to family; she goes off on the kids and then can turn around and be nice. I do all the work around the house, get the kids to activities, etc., and I’m wearing out. She comes home from work and just logs on her lap top and sits in front of the TV while I get dinner and clean up. She shows no affection towards me and I feel like a servant. When I complain or push her, she talks about killing herself and putting herself out of our misery (she’s been hospitalized several times) or just hurting herself (sometimes she cuts on her arms and legs). I’m getting to the point where I don’t like her anymore. She just seems to have given up. Nothing interests her, nothing tastes good…she gets no enjoyment from anything. What can I do? She’s in her forties, now, but she struggled with depression in her twenties and this current bout has been going on for 5 years. Her doctor and therapist are really committed to her, but it seems like she doesn’t care, like she enjoys being miserable. Sometimes I feel like I’m spiraling down with her, but I’m not going to give up. If I just stand by, she seems to just sink lower, but I can’t leave, because she’s said that the kids and I are the only reason she’s still alive.
If you’re like most married people, you become dependent on your spouse for a positive response, no matter how independent you are as an individual. You married her because you respect her opinion and take pleasure in her approval. You make her happy, everyone feels good. You see the problem here.
So it’s normal to feel bitterly disappointed and deflated when depression turns her into a grouchy, nasty, unappreciative, unaffectionate black hole who threatens suicide if you criticize her and never does her share.
It’s not just the lack of approval from her that’s bothering you, it’s the overabundance of disapproval, of you and everything else. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 10, 2011
Depression puts a strain on relationships, as does any illness, but it also acts as a filter through which only the worthiest of friends emerge. After all, one of the great rewards of a good friendship is feeling helpful and supportive to a sick friend, and one of the reddest flags of a bad friendship is someone who isn’t capable of either. So when depression tells you that you’re a burden to your friends, remember that, like most of what depression says, it lies. You’re never a burden to a true friend, particularly when you’re struggling, so if someone can’t be a good friend to you when you need them the most, then good riddance.
–Dr. Lastname
I need to face the fact that I have trouble getting close to people. I recently had a close relationship with a guy I was crazy about, but I often get depressed and, when it happens, I get quiet, and he couldn’t stand it. I’m good at functioning when I’m depressed, it’s never stopped me from getting my work done, and I push myself to hang out with friends, but I can’t help the fact that I don’t have much to say and that I don’t really feel like laughing. I kept telling him it wasn’t personal, but he didn’t really believe me. My goal is to figure out how I can find a partner if I can’t really interact very well.
The biggest negative thought you can have when you break up with someone is to believe it’s because there’s something wrong with you, either because your boyfriend said it or because that’s what your brain is telling you.
Nobody says, “it isn’t you, it’s me,” and means it, so you shouldn’t, either.
Remember, it’s deep human nature to blame ourselves for crap that happens, be it a failed relationship or a failed baseball season. It’s your job, however, as your one and only chief protector, to put this assumption to a logical test. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 3, 2011
When people who look smart and capable perform poorly, we assume they can do better, and if we can only bless that co-worker/child/local sports team with more encouragement, they’ll be able to come out on top. Trouble is, many of the obstacles to good performance are big, bad, and beyond our understanding, and that’s when a “can-do” attitude becomes a burden and a curse to those who look so capable but are actually “can’t-don’t”s. So, when encouragement becomes discouraging, keep your positivity up, just lower your expectations.
–Dr. Lastname
Is the habit of procrastination a reality that cannot be changed, or not? I often find myself procrastinating so long that something I feel I want to do or should be doing is no longer possible to do. Then I feel terrible about myself and berate myself. Should I give up those dreams/things I want to do or should I plug on and do the best I can, hoping that I can overcome procrastination enough to actually accomplish a few things?
Berating yourself whenever any bad habit gets the better of you can make you feel weak, angry, hopeless, etc. The one thing it can’t do is make that habit go away.
On the plus side, your frustration shows that you care about doing better, but self-blame leaves you feeling weak, angry, hopeless, etc., which makes it harder for you to get out of your chair and start catching up.
While logic dictates that finding the source of a problem will lead you to the solution, trying to find out why you procrastinate doesn’t usually help. For one (deliciously ironic) thing, it gives you a reason to avoid doing what you need to do. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 20, 2011
When a team under-performs—be it athletic, corporate, familial, or anything in between—it’s natural to feel they either needs a hug or a kick in the butt. In actuality, a good leader provides neither and both, reminding them of their strengths without taking responsibility for making them feel better, and showing them how they need to improve without blaming them for being what they’re not. You may not always get rewarded with a raise, a hug or a shower of Gatorade, but you will get results.
–Dr. Lastname
I think I’ve been very patient and restrained in responding to my 18-year-old daughter, who left college after her first month because she felt she wasn’t welcome there. It’s really not the college’s fault—they asked her to move off-campus because she violated dorm rules several times within her first 2 weeks there (she didn’t tell me how) and being kicked out of the dorms made her feel so rejected and upset that she packed her things and came home without trying to live off campus and without telling me first. She’s a good kid and needs my support now more than ever, so I’m trying to forget the $19K she flushed down the drain and help her think about what she’s going to do next. Do you agree that my goal is to be patient and not get into a fight with her?
It’s impossible to be an effective parent, or a leader of any kind, if you equate naming problems with hurting people. If you’re in charge and you’re not a little lonely, you’re not doing it right.
Admittedly, if you’re angry when you identify a problem and you express that anger, you will probably hurt the person you want to reach and the discussion will bog down in conflict and guilt. In that case, you’re not just unsupportive, but ineffective, and that’s a lose/lose.
Fortunately, however, you sound like you have a warm and accepting relationship with your daughter, and that your angry impulses are not about to seize control. Since you’re particularly well equipped to discuss her problem, perhaps the feeling you need to control isn’t anger, but guilt and false responsibility. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
