Priority Girls

Posted by fxckfeelings on December 12, 2011

Ideals often screw up priorities, because it’s much more attractive to go after something beautiful that you really, really want rather than take on whatever is do-able and necessary. It’s not a matter of killing your dreams, just being smart about them; the only antidote to faulty ideals is to exercise your common sense regularly, thinking about what’s likely to work, given your resources, rather than what you’d want the most in a fair, ideal world. You don’t need us to tell you that the world is not ideal, so beware reaching for the stars and falling on your face when the top shelf will do.
–Dr. Lastname

So I’m a 20-something girl who has been faced with a couple big problems in a short period of time, the first being that I am in my last semester of nursing school and I failed. This has been a very long hard stressful experience, and being faced with failure is devastating. I have to wait till September to try to get back into the program and that’s my last chance, so I’m having a hard time accepting that my very laid-out plan for my life is now in jeopardy. Also I am being faced with health issues, with myself and with my family, and finally, I have been in a mind-fuck of a relationship for three years with a person that shows me five different faces. I know all the ways he’s done me wrong but I cannot walk away because I have yet to conquer him, even tough I’m trying to accept the fact I cannot change him and need to stop being a doormat. In summary, I have obvious control issues, over-analyze everything, have anger that is uncontrollable if I don’t get what I want, and really need help to fix it.

Priorities are like dominos, and if you put the wrong one first, you lose your goals one by one. So, while this may look like a chaotic clusterfuck of issues, you probably already know that it’s actually a chain reaction caused by putting school behind this five-faced jerk.

After all, the main source of your strength is your desire to get stronger, pick up skills, and make a living, while the main source of weakness is, as usual for most people, your need for something/someone you can’t have.

Fortunately, you’re smart enough to recognize your effort to change your boyfriend is a compulsion that you just can’t stop, and you have the willpower and determination in your character to take on and pursue difficult goals.

Unfortunately, you’ve focused this strength on changing your boyfriend, thus throwing said smarts and willpower down the shitter.

In addition, you expect to control your school performance and your relationship without bowing to the fact that you don’t have the time or energy for everything, but your school performance won’t improve unless you have more time for it, and your boyfriend, well, we covered that.

Besides, you can’t “conquer” someone; even actual conquerors like Napoleon don’t die happy (or even with their genitals intact).

When you give yourself a reasonable assignment, your control demon helps you do a great job. If you don’t put a limit on your self-assignment, your demon will eat you alive. It’s a tough reality to accept, but if you can—not just admit that you can’t change your boyfriend, but find the strength to stop trying—you can give yourself an assignment you can do, and do well.

You’ll probably do better in school if you stop blaming and scaring yourself, because that can’t do wonders for your ability to focus. Instead, don’t be ashamed to look for help, either from a nice, positive tutor or a study group, and prepare a new study plan that helps you with your weaknesses.

No problem, you’ll have the time, because there’s no reason to continue wasting it with your boyfriend. This is probably not the answer that you want, but it’s the only acceptable one since succeeding in school means more to you (and is more tenable) than putting up with quintface.

Inside, it may feel like a defeat to let him go, but once you do, all the other, better goals in your life will have room to grow. You just need to stay vigilant about your priorities, because it’s amazing how easily a compulsive person can make them all fall down again.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like a total, helpless loser, but my priority is to put my energy into getting ahead, and not into relationships that don’t work. I can’t conquer my boyfriend, but my compulsion can’t conquer me. I’ve learned a valuable, painful lesson that can help me move forward if I stop criticizing myself and start doing what I need to do.”

I had a terrific boyfriend, whom my parents loved, but I just couldn’t see us staying together all our lives, and my feelings for him weren’t as positive as what I see my parents’ having for one another (they have a wonderful marriage). So I left him and broke his heart, and now I’m dating someone I feel closer to, because I think he understands me better. We’re going very slowly, however, because I’m afraid of making the same mistake, and I want to see if I still feel the same way about him in another year. He’s getting impatient, and I wonder if you think I’m right to go slow.

I suppose the traditional reason for going slow in a relationship is to see how you really feel about someone as time goes by. Still, that won’t do you much good if you happen to really love him a lot, and he’s a useless jerk.

Yes, it would be nice if you could find someone you love as much as your mom and dad love one another; but many good partnerships are not totally lovey-dovey, and good partners are hard to find. Begin then with the important stuff and consider perfect harmony as the icing on the cake, rather than the filling.

So, instead of hooking yourself up to a love-meter and graphing your progress as time goes by, tthink about the basic qualities you’re looking for. Again, priorities are key, but if a relationship is your main goal, then looking for the right things in a relationship is what you need to be mindful of.

The important stuff that makes a prospective partner eligible for consideration, as you know, begins with a solid character, reliability, common values, and mutual acceptance. He’s got to be able to do his share and share your mission, without your having to change or persuade him. Otherwise, it’s a no-go.

Yes, positive chemistry is necessary, but it can also be dangerous; the guy who connects with you most is not necessarily a solid character, and often the exact opposite. So take your eyes off the love meter long enough to do your due diligence.

If your guy checks out as a good prospect, but the emotional fit is not quite as perfect as your parents’, think carefully about how many good guys you’ve run across and how much mileage you have left on your dating tires before deciding whether he’s worth the compromise.

Don’t wait for the love-meter to make your decision for you while you pick mental daisy petals to see whether you love him or love him not. Add up the reasons you trust him to be good company in hard times, and prepare for a possible compromise.

Yes, you may cry a tear for the loss of romantic dreams; but you’ll have far fewer tears in the future, when the stakes are much higher. As we always say, if you want unconditional love, get a pet. If you want a partner, get your priorities straight.

STATEMENT:
“I don’t want to break another guy’s heart because I don’t love him enough, but t won’t let my worries stop me from checking out his basic strengths and deciding whether we have the makings of a good partnership. When it’s time to decide, I’ll use my wisdom and experience rather than measuring my love against my parents’ romance.”