Posted by fxckfeelings on January 9, 2020
Lasting relationships based on instant connections are like positive news stories and quick-yet-healthy weight loss techniques; they’re so nice to hear about but so hard to believe they aren’t bullshit. Getting close to someone quickly feels wonderful, but like most good feelings, it isn’t necessarily good for you. And if the need for friendship drives you to become close before you really know someone, you are more likely to discover their bad or obnoxious side when it’s too late to back away without causing pain. Instead, develop your own ways for getting to know someone safely and slowly. That’s the only way to make a BFF without all the unnecessary pain and BS.
-Dr. Lastname
I have a very close friend who is driving me crazy! I’m not sure why but I feel as though everything she says is mindless and completely irritating. For example, she offered to lend me an upholstered chair for a work project. I know that was a nice thing for her to do, but it was the wrong color. And when I told her that it was the wrong color, she said I should “paint it,” which I’m pretty sure is nonsensical advice because it’s a chair, not a table, and if I try there’s a huge risk it will look like crap and be useless to both of us. The problem is that I know that she hasn’t changed at all during our friendship—she’s always been a little flakey—but my feelings towards her have, and I have no idea why. This has happened to me before with other people that I’ve been close to and I’m sick of it. My goal is to figure out why my feelings have changed and what can I do to stop being so irritable, because I’m tired of losing patience with her and losing friendships in general.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on November 1, 2019
In the give and take of marriage, it’s common for one partner to suck up having to cook and pick up the dirty socks because their spouse grits his or her teeth through doing the dishes and take out the garbage. But if one partner ends up with the cooking, the socks, the dishes, and the garbage, the give and take, and the marriage, can give way entirely. So here are five ways to hold your subpar parter accountable for doing his or her share.
1) Fairly Consider His Contributions
If you’re frustrated by the fact you do everything in your marriage while your spouse does nothing/God knows what, take a pause to consider whether you’re being fair or just fed up and frustrated. After all, as we always say, the point of getting married is always having someone to blame; if you’re dealing with stress, depression, or separate marital issues, it’s easy to see your spouse’s actions, words, and/or stupid face as the source of your problems. So begin by making a thoughtful, thorough list of all the things you do and all the things he does. And if your list is still lopsided, despite being objective, you know that you’re right to address the issue.
2) Tackle Your Terms
Draw up a revised, fair marital job description for your partner that takes into account what you want as well as the ways he is wanting, i.e., his obliviousness and lack of motivation. You don’t necessarily want to divvy everything up 50/50, not just because you can’t change his weaknesses, but also because you want to take advantage of his strengths as well as your own. A good job description then includes tasks he’s good at, puts more emphasis on effort and commitment than results, and leaves you with confidence that you’re better off with his contributions as a whole rather than with not having to take care of him.
3) Navigate Negotiations
Bring up your new terms in a positive context that implies no blame, regardless of how you really feel. Present your reasons for re-evaluating his family-related activities as a way of improving his level of function, maximizing his positive impact on the family, and relieving you of any additional responsibilities you’ve picked up when he was unable to do them or unaware they existed in the first place. Of course, you may describe problems, such as your overwork or the kids’ dysfunction, as reasons for this negotiation, but not as evidence of his personal or moral failure (even though that’s what you may feel). Condemnation, however deserved, is rarely constructive.
4) Pin Point Problem Behaviors
Again, without implying that he’s lazy or purposefully negligent, specify any behaviors that you’ve observed that tend to undermine his productivity. For instance, if he spends too much time hanging out with his buddies, drinking, or playing video games, show respect for his right to relax before discussing the impact of his behaviors on the time he spends doing his share around the house, hanging out with the kids or having private time with you. Or if he doesn’t stick to a budget, describe the negative impact on everyone’s choices, including his.
5) Conclude Confidently
Aside from remaining positive, the key to getting your point across is conveying confidence; if you know that what you’re asking for is well thought out and reasonable, there’s no reason to be defensive or timid. With conviction, state your belief that he and the rest of the family will be better off if events prove you right, and that argument is unnecessary; if he disagrees, the only way he can convince you you’re wrong is if he can’t meet your terms despite his best efforts. In the meantime, you will continue to wish for his success with your plan, especially since continuing to endure your partnership in its present form will force you to reassess your future plans entirely.
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 13, 2019
Whether you’re reeling from one personal tragedy or years of mistreatment, it can be hard to trust your judgment when you’re feeling wounded and vulnerable. But if you let those emotions cloud your ability to move forward and make decisions then you’ll just prolong your pain and make your vulnerability worse. So here are five ways to make your decision making less emotional, no matter how emotional you’re feeling at the time.
1) Don’t Fixate on Fears
Focusing too much on your wishes and anxieties will make them seem more real and important. Then you’ll start to believe that you can’t go forward until you feel better, or worse, that you can’t go forward, period. While you can’t expect yourself to be able to stop those feelings entirely, you can force yourself to investigate the choices and resources that are actually available to you, no matter how negatively you feel, and determine whether you genuinely do or don’t have the skills and opportunities to do what needs to be done.
2) Determine the Data
The best way to counter irrational fear and negativity is with a good hard look at reality. As such, you probably need objective information that you don’t have, so be prepared to seek advice, not just from friends, but also experts, particularly lawyers and therapists. Your trauma and self-doubt may intimidate you into thinking you’re really helpless, but make no assumptions until you know the facts and have considered what you can do with them.
3) Determine How to Do Good, Not Just Feel Good
Ask yourself what you value most in life, not what you feel most happy or optimistic about, by making a sort of bucket list of basics. In other words, imagine yourself facing death and ask yourself what would you would most want to have accomplished, regardless of whether it made you happy or forced you to endure hard times along the way. Achieving financial independence, being a good friend, and doing useful work may not be as exciting as running with the bulls or getting a tattoo, but they’re what truly makes a life complete.
4) Remember Possible Risks
The best way to avoid choices that may be too emotional—i.e., those that would immediately make you happy or ease your fears—is to force yourself to give thought to possible risks. Don’t let yourself ignore risks simply because you’re feeling confident or be paralyzed by them because you’re feeling anxious. Once you have the facts you can make a better assessment as to the safest, smartest way to proceed, regardless of how exciting or intimidating an option may appear.
5) Seek Out Moral Support
Experts may help you make decisions based on real information, but without friends, family, and even a therapist to have your back, it’ll be hard to follow through. Make sure your support team is there to give you backing and perspective, not just sympathy. When you’re recovering from trauma or facing a scary transition, it’s normal to have feelings that stir up self-doubt and pessimism that make it hard to keep going. If you can find people who will remind you of the strengths and other resources you had before things went wrong, you’ll be able to find the clarity and courage to make the right choices going forward.
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 18, 2019
When, like our recent reader, you know you’re trapped in a pattern of becoming the most attached to people who are the least interested or even worthy of your attention, it’s useful to strategize and make a plan for when the next would-be (but shouldn’t-be) object of obsession crosses your path. Here are five task-oriented techniques for overcoming obsession before it starts.
1) Accept Your Obsessiveness without Obsessing About It
You might think that you could avoid future fixations if you could just figure out why they happen, but plumbing the depths of your psyche to figure out which childhood trauma or lost toy caused you to be this way is, in fact, just another empty obsession that will lead you nowhere. As you’re already learned the hard way, there’s no better way to feed an obsession than to obsess about it, even if what you’re obsessing about is why you have it and how you can make it go away. In reality, no one knows why some people are prone to obsessive attachments and no one has a formula for ungluing you once you’re stuck, other than time and a constant effort to manage your unfortunate habit.
2) Delve Into Distraction
When you start to feel obsessive thoughts creeping in, try to keep your brain busy with more important activities instead. A new object of fixation can be hard to resist—especially at first, when they seem so exciting and promising—but your attachments to other people, work, family, and your long term interests will always be much stronger and more meaningful, in the end, than any obsession. So immerse yourself in whatever usually matters to you, fighting as hard as you can until your shiny source of fixation fades away.
3) Don’t Think You Can Turn A Fixation Into A Friendship
As much as you’d be willing to settle for any relationship with an object of obsession, even a platonic one, it’s too much to think you can immediately force yourself into a benign friendship with someone you were once fanatical about. These attempts at casual connection usually just make the obsession worse, since you’ll now be analyzing and obsessing over every conversation hoping to find evidence of something more. Then you won’t be able to control your sensitivity to being treated as a casual friend and you will hate yourself if your vulnerability shows, which will then cause you to obsess over your pain and foolishness until you’re in full fixation meltdown. Accept the fact that your obsession limits your options and there’s to be no contact until you’ve recovered.
4) Process Patterns
Obsessive tendencies are a lot like weather; you can’t control them, but with enough experience you can learn to predict when they’re coming and prepare for the storm accordingly. Look back at the kind of person you get obsessed with and identify what drew you to them. Unfortunately, the things you like about obsessive objects probably double as red flags, which means those are the qualities you should look out for and avoid in the future. Then list the character qualities that might guarantee you a more positive and reliable response so you can seek them out instead. Recall how quickly you latched onto people in the past and examine whether you could have improved your safety by slowing things down, determining new mandatory procedures for pumping the breaks in the future. You may not be able to make your brain stop obsessing, but you can teach yourself ways to stop those obsessions from taking over.
5) Consider Treatment
If the symptoms of your obsessive tendencies are extraordinarily painful or interfere with work or important friendships and you can’t find a way to break out of the cycle on your own, don’t be afraid to find a therapist who can help you manage the issue. Consider first non-medical treatments, which include everything from exercise to cognitive behavioral therapy (techniques to manage unwanted thoughts) to hypnosis. If those prove ineffective, you should consider medical treatments, namely medication that is low risk yet frequently effective, like a high dose of an SSRI. Either way, don’t assume that you’re doomed to an endless cycle of empty obsession and heartbreak. With some work and even a little help, you can learn ways to manage obsessive tendencies so your obsessions no longer manage you.
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 4, 2019
Having crushes turn into obsessional attachments may seem like a bizarre weakness or psychiatric symptom that only happens to people who lack pride, insight, or self-respect (or like the premise to an excellent musical sitcom). In reality, such obsessive behavior can happen to anyone, but once it gets going, no amount of pride, insight, and treatment can make it go away. Nevertheless, if you are unlucky enough to have the kind of crushes that can crush your spirit and self-esteem, there’s no reason to let them ruin your life or to make you despair about your ability to ever find a healthy attachment. It just means you have to learn how to manage your attraction and obsessive impulses, no matter how powerful your emotions or ability to carry a tune.
-Dr. Lastname
So I’ve tried over the last few years to be close friends with someone that I was once involved with briefly. Our friendship’s had its up and downs, but I was managing, although “managing” isn’t quite what I was after. At a certain point he developed cancer; it now looks like he’s in the clear, but I was there for him every step of the way, and during the whole ordeal we expressed our love for each other constantly, hugged, kissed, and spent time together. Problem is, we were supposed to be platonic, but I never quite got past wanting him, and I’ve had a therapist talk to me about having attachment issues in general. So this guy and I are still friends, but hell has opened up least week because I asked for a firm commitment to get together over the weekend, after which I became obsessed, acted out, was anxious… something of a tidy mess. I know what I need to do and it hurts bad, but I also think I’ve made more progress with him faster now than ever before, so I dimly hope he and I salvage something. I’ve been searching for books, advice of relationships to figure out how I might heal faster, let go completely if need be, and learn how not to repeat the same mistakes again. My goal is to find some task-oriented technique for overcoming my obsession, or for dealing with my attachment issues overall, because as much as I want to keep my connection to him, I worry that I’m being an idiot by refusing to give up on what I want him and I to have.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on March 26, 2019
If, like our reader from earlier, the only thing more reliable than your parents fighting is how much pain it causes you, you can feel like it’s up to you alone to relieve everyone’s suffering. As many problems as their conflict may cause you, however, solving the problems that cause that conflict isn’t actually within your control. So instead of continuing to feel hurt and frustrated by endless parental arguments, here are five ways to figure out when your attempts at family peacekeeping are making the war worse, and what you can do instead.
1) Carefully Assess Their Compatibility
Pay attention to whether or not your parents function as a couple, ignoring their complaints. This doesn’t mean you should look for times and ways they get along, but to really investigate how and if they work together; if possible, determine whether they do or don’t share or interfere with one another’s spending on essentials like housing, food, travel, and taxes. Note also whether they travel or socialize together, act independently, or interfere with one another’s ability to do so. Conflict is always a part of relationships, but so is cooperation; without that, you’ve got real trouble.
2) Gather Whether Advice Gets Through
You may have spent years trying to get through to your parents, but odds are you’ve never really paid attention to whether any of your pleas or guidance has actually gotten through. So take stock of whether either of your parents really seems to listen to your advice or ever really seems to take it. Either way, ask yourself how they manage to cope when you’re not available and whether either is really helpless or at risk of harm when you’re not around. Of course, if you believe either is in danger of being harmed, you should get professional advice and consider reporting abuse. In all likelihood, however, each has found good ways to manage conflict when they’re without you but, when they have your ear/a captive audience, they take the opportunity to stress their unhappiness.
3) Recognize Responsibility
Notice how much accountability each parent takes for dealing with what he or she doesn’t like vs. just complaining about it. Notice whether their complaints just put responsibility on you as the listener and/or on their partner for abusing them, rather than either accepting some responsibility for what bothers them or for the fact that no one’s really to blame. After all, it’s quite likely that whatever’s causing the conflict between your parents—like a bad habit or irksome personality trait—isn’t going to change. So if neither parent can either own their faults or resign themselves to them, then they’re never going to stop bickering, either.
4) Generate A Realistic Goal
Don’t assume that your objective is to help them get along better or ease their pain, because, as the previous steps should reveal, that’s completely outside of your control. It’s natural, of course, to want to find a way to make your parents listen to you, heed your advice, or accept each other’s faults, but since doing so would require magic or mind control, it’s time to reassess your endgame. Instead, try to protect yourself from their conflict while encouraging each of them to develop his and her own way of managing their feelings that doesn’t require raised voices, especially with you as the audience.
5) Assemble an Exit Strategy
Once you’ve realized your goal isn’t to keep the peace but encourage them to keep quiet, prepare a statement asserting this truth and rejecting personal responsibility, saying, in effect, that you wish you could help them, but their unhappiness together is beyond everyone’s control, so you think it’s better not to talk about it and instead think about ways to make life better. Then prepare to be tested and to follow through on your exit plan, without any appearance of hesitation or guilt, if they misbehave. Just because they’re constantly in conflict doesn’t mean you should be about the smart decisions you’ve made.
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 10, 2019
Persistent voices in our heads—the ones that push us to do everything from avoiding our work to immediately finding an open drive-thru—are virtually impossible to shut up. What you can do, however, is shut them out or talk them down. So, if, like our reader from earlier, you have a nagging voice in your mind that constantly puts you down, here are five ways to argue with it, work around it, and generally not keep it from controlling your life.
1) Source Your Self-Hate And Be Specific
While the negative voice in your head may be persistent and relentlessly cruel, it is also usually somewhat vague, at least when it comes to what you’ve specifically said or done to be so worthy of its endless barrage of loathing. So when it starts laying into you for your so-called awfulness, try to think specifically about whether you’ve done any bad deed or or have any habit so awful to truly deserve its torment. Limit yourself to what you would hold anyone responsible for, like drinking or lying or not keeping promises, and not for things you wouldn’t, like not being gorgeous or born rich.
2) Get Your Own Guidelines
To truly arm yourself against the voice, figure out for your own objective set of standards for what it means to be a good person. Use standards that most people would agree with and that you would use on a friend, like being reasonably respectful of other people’s needs, doing your share, and taking care of yourself. Remember, this is not about your wishes to be handsome, rich, or sociable; these are positive qualities that most people want, but they don’t really speak to one’s character and they definitely aren’t things anyone can easily control.
3) Figure Yourself Out Fairly
Using those standards, and getting input from objective friends or a therapist if necessary, determine what your shortcomings are. Remember, these are shortcomings that involve character, not just the minor things you don’t like about yourself. So avoiud fixating on your looks, mannerisms, or anxious speech and focus instead on any possible bad habits that cause harm, like being so busy hating yourself, or paying so much attention to whether people dislike you, that you don’t return calls or pay attention to the important people in your life.
4) Make A Plan (And Script) For Improvement
Once you know where your true faults lie, you can make a plan to improve yourself or at least manage your bad habits to keep them from taking over. Work with friends or a therapist to assure yourself that you’re living up to reasonable standards, particularly in the area of reaching out and making friends, regardless of what your internal voices are telling you. That way you can go about your life and even meet people with a much lower risk of self-sabotage.
5) Use Your Self-Assessment To Shut Down Your Brain
Stick to your script, keep trying to learn from your mistakes, and never let yourself take your negative voice at its word. Remind yourself that your negative voice may be persistent but that doesn’t make it honest; you’re tough self-assessment has shown you that with ample evidence. So instead of letting the negativity run you over and keep you down, push yourself to roll your eyes at it and answer back. You may never get it to shut up entirely—unfortunately, being self-conscious and negative may just be a part of who you are—but you can put it in check and shut it out of the process of meeting people, achieving things, and generally living life on your terms.
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 15, 2018
Just as there are people who feel so confident in their greatness that they just believe in it without concrete support or evidence, there are those so certain that they’re dumb, hateful and repulsive that they can’t not find evidence of their supposed horribleness everywhere. When that happens, it seems appropriate to focus on their lack of self-esteem as a legitimate target for psychotherapy, but this focus may just intensify such a person’s self-involvement and sense of being defective without necessarily making things better. So if knowing that you’re a compulsive self-hater isn’t doing anything to make the hate stop, ask yourself to define what it means to be a good enough person, regardless of the constant thoughts telling you you’re anything but. Part of you may always be certain that you’re the worst, but if you can stick to your own standards of being good, then you’ll at least be able to refute that certainty by continuing to do your best.
-Dr. Lastname
I feel like EVERYONE hates me; I’ve got some piss-poor self esteem and try to keep conversations with strangers to a minimum since I feel like I’m a dick who’s wasting their time with whatever garbage comes out of my mouth. I’ve been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder but no amount of sugar coating with polite diagnosis can help me out of this. I’ve read books on Buddhism, social esteem, etc., but it all just feels like flimsy spiritual trash that doesn’t sink in. My goal is to either A, stop giving a shit about what people think about me and enjoy life as a curmudgeonly 20-something, B, figure out some way to not be a dick without necessitating spiritualism and masquerading kindness.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 4, 2018
Like our reader from earlier, you may never be able to stop the nagging voice in your head that craves closure from an ex after a bad breakup. What you can do, however, is follow these five steps to give yourself a kind of closure, or at least an education. It might not be the exact thing that the voice is begging for, but it is something the rest of you can benefit from.
1) Catch Up On What Closure Means
Despite what the pesky voice in your brain might insist, closure isn’t about getting reassurance from someone you care about that you’re OK and not at fault. It certainly isn’t what most people secretly want it to be, which is a chance to stay in contact with someone you may still have strong feelings for or even an opportunity to argue your case for getting back together. Closure, in so far as it exists, is a self-assessment you can do yourself to figure out what went wrong so you can avoid making the same mistakes, or falling for the same mistake-prone person. Involving the other person in your closure process isn’t just unnecessary, it’s unhealthy, because it makes his judgment more important than yours when it’s your own authority you should be heeding. Overall, closure is not the reassuring feeling your brain craves, just the act of doing what’s right to help you move on.
2) Solidify Your Standards
Begin your self-assessment, not by focusing on the forensics of your recent breakup, but by thinking objectively about what you think makes a good relationship and what qualities you think a good partner should possess. For example: someone who can keep his promises while not promising more than he’s ready to deliver, does his share, tries hard to be a good person and friend, i.e., someone who cares enough to put up with a reasonable amount of shit without too much complaining. Try to prioritize those qualities over more trivial ones, like looks, swagger, hairline, etc.
3) Make Sure You Measure Up
Once you’ve figured out your relationship standards, use them to judge whether he or you fucked up, or whether you both made a good try but it just didn’t work. For example, if he dumped you without warning, or even after acting very, very positively, you have a right to wonder whether he cares about the right things and is straight about his commitments (and whether your screening procedures need improvement). On the other hand, if you check with your friends and they think you treated him badly, then that’s something to work on. At no point in this process do you need to get his views or get him to agree with your views, just to come to a judgment of your own and stick with it.
4) Make Plans For Improvement
If he was a jerk and you should have seen it, don’t waste time blaming yourself for your own stupidity. Beating yourself up is a useless exercise while building up your aforementioned screening proceedures is a useful one that can protect you from future heartbreak. For example, if you want to avoid being taken by another self-centered user, force yourself to ask future prospective partners more questions about prior relationships or pay more attention to how he handles money and responsibilities. On the other hand, if you were a jerk to him and didn’t realize it, work with a therapist or a 12 step group on managing your shortcomings. In any case, after deciding what went wrong and what needs improvement, prepare to close the case.
5) Refuse Your Urges And Reassure Yourself
Whatever his faults or yours, or the absence of any fault, your evaluation is now finished, as is your excuse for wanting to reach out to your ex. Pushing yourself for approval from or agreement with him isn’t just an unnecessary thing to do, but a cruel thing to do to yourself, so of course you should stop it. Of course, the voice in your head will likely continue to pester you for the (nonexistent) type of closure that only he can provide, but at least now you can talk back to that voice using the results of your own closure search. You can also distract yourself from that voice, and from other urges to reconnect with your ex, by spending more time with friends, diving into work and hobbies, and/or using your new knowledge to rededicate yourself to finding a new relationship that’s much less likely to make you this crazy again.
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 20, 2018
People often talk about closure as a necessary tool for recovering from trauma, as if closure were the psychological stitches required to heal the deep wounds caused by loss or suffering and move on. Unfortunately, as much as we deserve to be at peace with ourselves, psychic wounds don’t have the same healing protocol as physical ones; there are no quick procedures to sew yourself up and become whole again, and efforts to get that kind of closure can easily make things worse. As satisfying a feeling as closure may be, then, it’s never a a constructive goal. The best way to heal after a loss is to figure out for yourself what went wrong and what you can do better next time while doing your best to keep going, despite the pain. You may never feel a sense of resolution, but you will find a way to move on.
-Dr. Lastname
“Closure” is a pain in my ass, mainly because I’m the kind of person who OBSESSES over closure until it’s been obtained. Until I get it, I constantly wonder if my ex thinks poorly of me, what did I do to make him cut off all communication, if he thinks I’m a wingnut, if everything that’s happened is my fault, etc. My goal is to be able to “let go” of my ex and to “embrace” the here and now, even though it’s rather MEH, without the closure my brain relentlessly craves.
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