{"id":802,"date":"2010-12-02T00:01:22","date_gmt":"2010-12-02T05:01:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.fxckfeelings.com\/?p=802"},"modified":"2010-12-01T13:46:10","modified_gmt":"2010-12-01T18:46:10","slug":"screening-the-past","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/2010\/12\/02\/screening-the-past\/","title":{"rendered":"Screening the Past"},"content":{"rendered":"

People often feel broken by trauma if they can\u2019t stop attacks of anxiety and achieve the sense of control that they\u2019re sure normal people have. Sadly, normal people are as common as guiltless donuts and pegasi; if being broken means that you can\u2019t be fixed, then everyone is broken, because we all eventually have problems about ourselves that can\u2019t be fixed. If you\u2019re out there, braving the risks of relationships and work and child-rearing in spite of trauma symptoms, then you\u2019re not broken\u2014you\u2019re a hero.
\n–Dr. Lastname<\/a><\/p>\n

I made the executive decision today to not participate in our airport’s body scan or pat down procedure, and now my whole family is f*cked. I had my “no more than 3oz bottles” in their “official” airline approved baggies, so obviously I arrived at the airport planning to suck it up and be a team player. When we got to the security checkpoint however, I discovered there was not enough scope (or vodka) in my 3oz bottles to get me through the required security procedure. I started having flashbacks dating back to a sexual assault 20+yrs ago, and called off the idea of being a team player. I’m pissed at myself for ruining our plans, and equally pissed that my husband (who knows about my past experience) thinks it’s “silly” that I couldn’t just suck it up and go through it like everyone else. My kid’s are totally confused now as to why we are at home and not at Grandmas. I know from news stories I’m not the only one having a problem with our new security procedures. I know I don’t “owe” anyone an explanation, but it seems avoiding their questions is only making matters worse. How do I explain, without really explaining, why I’m refusing to put myself back in the position that clearly was not in my best interest at the time? <\/p><\/blockquote>\n

If you\u2019re reactive to your feelings in public, for any reason, life becomes more dramatic, unpredictable and sometimes humiliating. You want your junk, physical and emotional, untouched. <\/p>\n

Unfortunately, most times you do end up saying something emotionally, it doesn\u2019t come out cool, leaving you and everyone else feeling a bit violated.<\/p>\n

There are, however, some advantages to being emotionally reactive, particularly in the anxious way you describe, even if those advantages don\u2019t involve airports.<\/p>\n

For one thing, emotional reactivity is probably the strongest attractive force between people, stronger than sex or a shared political party affiliation. No, seriously, you probably have a gift for connecting with others, which is why you have a family to embarrass in the first place. <\/p>\n

For another thing, you panicked rather than blowing up. Chazz Palmentari (and Macchiavelli) say it\u2019s better to be feared than loved, but that\u2019s within Mafia families, not ones that get along. <\/p>\n

Among your flesh and blood, it\u2019s better not to have people walking on eggshells for fear that you\u2019re going to explode and then sneaking off to see their shrinks. Chazz may get his way more easily, but people stop sharing things with him, and, after a while, even the Don gets lonely. <\/p>\n

You didn\u2019t tell airport security they were creeps, or your family that they didn\u2019t care, or the TSA to say hello to your little friend. You simply said that you can\u2019t take it and requested to go home.<\/p>\n

Another positive thing about your reactivity is that you remain realistic. You\u2019re not saying that you hate yourself for being sensitive and can\u2019t stand it anymore; you\u2019re saying that you know feelings of being overwhelmed sometimes come back to haunt you and probably always will, and that you need a way to deal when those moments arise. <\/p>\n

So, even though you\u2019re reactive, you\u2019re also accepting your lack of control over your lack of control, which is a huge plus. As positively as you\u2019re dealing with things, there are other steps you can take to make things even better, and the first step is attacking the shame. <\/p>\n

Shame is a powerful force in making your anxiety worse; you get afraid you\u2019ll embarrass yourself, which makes you more anxious, which makes you come closer to losing control. Fight it by telling your family that some people get overwhelmingly anxious sometimes, and you\u2019re one of them. You\u2019re good at controlling it, but sometimes it gets the better of you. That don\u2019t make you a bad person, it\u2019s just part of who you are.<\/p>\n

Then, if you haven\u2019t done it already, check out the treatments that might improve your control. Begin with cognitive and behavioral treatments, like \u201cCBT,\u201d positive imaging, relaxation training, etc. They don\u2019t have side effects, and if you have insurance, you have nothing to lose but your time. Alternatives, when it comes to a traumatic situation you can anticipate, include taking a tranquilizer an hour before. <\/p>\n

For now, congratulate yourself for your realistic outlook, write your representatives about changing TSA regulations, and learn to accept all the emotional junk that comes with who you are.<\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\n\u201cKnowing why I get anxious doesn\u2019t change the fact that my fear can get triggered at the worst possible times. I accept this fact and take pride in how well I tolerate and recover from anxiety without letting it ruin my life or make me act badly. I\u2019m open to learning new methods for managing anxiety. I don\u2019t apologize for what I can\u2019t control.\u201d<\/p>\n

When I was a child, I was sexually abused by a neighbor. It really haunted me for years\u2014totally screwed up my time in high school\u2014but when I got to college, I finally spoke out about it, got into a support group, and met my closest friend there, who experienced something very similar. I\u2019m in my 30s now, and after years of therapy and various support groups, I feel at peace with my past. I have my own family now, I have a job I really enjoy, and while I still get flashbacks and sometimes get overwhelmed by anxiety, I feel like I\u2019m doing OK. My friend, however, along with others in the abuse survivor community, thinks that I\u2019m regressing into denial; she thinks that unless I confront my pain everyday, it\u2019s going to build up and destroy my life again. I care about her a lot, and she\u2019s helped me a great deal, but I have to disagree. If my goal is to feel okay about what happened, should I continue on my own path, or continue with therapy and support?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

There are those who believe in pursuing complete \u201chealing\u201d and \u201crecovery\u201d after trauma; no surprise, I\u2019m not among them, but I\u2019m also not insisting you take my opinion as %100 correct. A first, I know. <\/p>\n

Instead of accepting my point of view, or your friend\u2019s, ask yourself how you define \u201ccomplete recovery,\u201d how often you see anyone with severe symptoms of anxiety who is able to control them completely, and whether you can find evidence of a treatment with objectively documented sure-fire results. <\/p>\n

While seeking support from fellow victims can be very positive, not every person who experiences trauma recovers in the same way. You can gain from their comfort and advice, but only you can decide what your recovery means.<\/p>\n

If you devote yourself to complete recovery and it doesn\u2019t exist, you\u2019re not only wasting time and money, you\u2019re magnifying and prolonging the ability of trauma to define your life. No, Virginia, life doesn\u2019t always offer you closure, but it always offers you the opportunity to make bad things worse.<\/p>\n

I think you\u2019ve done the best you can with childhood trauma and deserve credit for bearing the pain without letting it define your life. Yes, you still experience pain, but that\u2019s not a sign of your failure to deal with issues. It\u2019s life and you\u2019re brave.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s also positive that you don\u2019t dwell on the evil of the neighbor who traumatized you, or your need to see him punished or exposed. Yes, of course it was evil, and we all know how satisfying it is to see evil punished. Usually, however, evil people are evil because they don\u2019t see the evilness in what they\u2019re doing wrong and never will. The meaning of punishment to them isn\u2019t regret for what they\u2019ve done, but just that they were caught by people who over-react and ignore greater evil, etc. <\/p>\n

You\u2019re accepting a world in which evil is a part of life, and you\u2019re not letting it stop you from doing good. It\u2019s our job, not to eradicate evil and find complete peace, but to learn to protect ourselves in a world that will always include creeps and psychopaths. <\/p>\n

Respect your goals and perspective, and resist the temptation to defend yourself to your friend. On this issue, insist on your right to stand by your own point of view and not discuss it. True friends will always respect your decision.<\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\n\u201cI know how much pain can ensue from being abused as a child. I regard the fact that I still experience that pain as an unavoidable fact of life and am proud that I\u2019ve done much to fight shame and prevent trauma from interfering with my life. I manage it well. I use my knowledge to protect my children. I am less interested in punishing people who cause that pain than in preventing them from hurting others. I\u2019ve had time to develop my own views on this subject and those are the ones that matter.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

People often feel broken by trauma if they can\u2019t stop attacks of anxiety and achieve the sense of control that they\u2019re sure normal people have. Sadly, normal people are as common as guiltless donuts and pegasi; if being broken means that you can\u2019t be fixed, then everyone is broken, because we all eventually have problems […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[49,85,41,113,89,90,18,91,93,33,50,25,61,38,60],"tags":[107,13,100,3,15,39,11,104,106,95,120],"class_list":["post-802","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-abuse","category-acceptance","category-anxiety","category-depression","category-ffamily","category-fear","category-friendships","category-guilt","category-improving-others","category-just-fcked","category-obsessive-behavior","category-relationships","category-secrets","category-therapy","category-trauma","tag-abuse","tag-acceptance","tag-anxiety","tag-ffamily","tag-fear","tag-friendship","tag-guilt","tag-just-fcked","tag-medication","tag-relationships","tag-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/802","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=802"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/802\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":804,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/802\/revisions\/804"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=802"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=802"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=802"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}