{"id":776,"date":"2010-11-04T00:01:27","date_gmt":"2010-11-04T04:01:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.fxckfeelings.com\/?p=776"},"modified":"2010-11-03T21:42:02","modified_gmt":"2010-11-04T01:42:02","slug":"mixed-family-bag","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/2010\/11\/04\/mixed-family-bag\/","title":{"rendered":"Mixed Family Bag"},"content":{"rendered":"

Rebuilding anything, from a family post-separation to the entire Gulf coast, is an arduous, often painful process. Strong leadership goes a long way towards aiding the operation, and in the case of divorce, a leadership duo is potentially stronger and has a lot more to offer the kids. Yes, there\u2019s pain, but if you can ignore it as you try to figure out old relationships and make new ones, you can make the repairs without losing the foundation (or wetlands) altogether.
\n–Dr. Lastname<\/a><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t hate my stepbrother, but the fact is, he\u2019s kind of a loser. He doesn\u2019t work hard in school, he doesn\u2019t play sports, and all he really seems to do is play video games and hang out with the stoners doing what stoners do. I take 3 AP classes and I\u2019m on the basketball team, and I\u2019m not saying that to brag, but because that means I\u2019m always busy at practice or with homework (I\u2019m trying to get a scholarship). Still, my stepfather is always asking me to do more chores in the house and help out, and never asking his own son, who doesn\u2019t seem to be doing jack shit. I think my stepfather doesn\u2019t like me all that much, and that, when he\u2019s stressed, he takes it out on me, and if I tell him he\u2019s not being fair, he gets more pissed off. My goal is to get my stepfather to see that he needs to chill and take a closer look at what he\u2019s doing.\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

It\u2019s hard, at any age, not to focus on the unfairness of authority, and it\u2019s worse when you\u2019re a kid, solider, or inmate. Remember, fair is the worst four letter f-word you\u2019ll ever encounter. <\/p>\n

The more absolute your stepfather\u2019s power, the more you simmer when you feel his favoritism has screwed you. The trouble is, if he perceives that you\u2019re angry and doesn\u2019t enjoy his authority questioned, your troubles will only get worse.<\/p>\n

While you might think your stepfather\u2019s rule is tyrannical, I\u2019m sure, instead of just being a step-stereotype, he believes he\u2019s doing what\u2019s fair. He probably thinks that his son is both more vulnerable and less defiant than you are, so he can get a pass.<\/p>\n

That means he also believes that you have less respect for his authority and are less grateful, given what he does to support you in your many activities, and that he\u2019s made your life that much better since arriving on the scene and adding his parenting resources to your mother\u2019s. <\/p>\n

He struggles to be fair, and not only don\u2019t you appreciate his efforts, you reward him with criticism, disrespect, and dislike. He sees himself as a benevolent leader, and you\u2019re his unruly underling.<\/p>\n

Of course, I\u2019m not saying that he\u2019s right, just that stepfathers are the way they are, and that your goal is to make the most out of life in your new family, not fall on your sword for the sake of freedom.<\/p>\n

One technique you can use\u2014which is almost as tough for adults, but there\u2019s never any choice\u2014is to try to ignore whether he thinks you\u2019re a good kid or not, and just try to live up to your own idea of what that means. Again, mammals of all ages want approval, so this will be a challenge.<\/p>\n

Still, try not to slack off or get defiant because he seems unappreciative or always wants more. Once you act negatively in response to him, you lose your strongest weapon, which is your belief that you\u2019ve been pretty good.<\/p>\n

Another technique is to try to make him feel more effective, regardless of how you yourself feel. Don\u2019t lie, but go out of your way to appreciate what he does for the family. It\u2019s called \u201cbeing political,\u201d which means focusing on the positive so as to make it easier to do business. It is also known as \u201ctalking out of your ass,\u201d although you\u2019re only talking truth. <\/p>\n

Also, being positive takes your defiant behavior out of the problem. If you\u2019re very positive and shut up about your complaints, and he still looks like he doesn\u2019t like you, then you really know it\u2019s not your fault and it has nothing to do with you. <\/p>\n

And, by the way, you\u2019re screwed, but you\u2019re also off to college, anyway, since that scholarship seems to be in sight. Unlike your helpless stepbrother, you\u2019ll get to flee your stepfather\u2019s fucking unf**r dictatorship.<\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\n\u201cI hate being treated unfairly and pushed to do more when I\u2019m already over-worried and overworked, but I respect my mother\u2019s attempt to create more security for our family by finding a partner, and I respect my own attempts to make things work when the feelings are basically pretty negative.\u201d<\/p>\n

My ex-husband drives me crazy with his worries about whether I\u2019ve said something to upset our kids or over-stimulated them by introducing them to my boyfriend, whom I\u2019ve been dating for a year. And God forbid I should traumatize them by having him sleep over during a visitation weekend. But I usually go along, because I think the kids are sensitive. What got me upset recently, however, was finding out that he\u2019s taking the kids on a vacation along with his girlfriend. I think that will be just as hard on the kids, and my goal is to make sure he doesn\u2019t expose them to inappropriate sexual intimacy.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

It\u2019s not good to try to make kids too happy, particularly during hard times. That\u2019s not because you should worry about spoiling them, but because it\u2019s often impossible to spare them pain, life being what it is, and you\u2019re bound to fail. Then it\u2019s one big unhappy family. <\/p>\n

In this case, you can\u2019t spare them the pain of adjusting to divorce or the fact that each parent now has a new partner, so don\u2019t bury yourself in guilt, treat dating as a sin, and give the kids a power over you and your ex that will eventually make them guilty; one big unhappy family, two unhappy homes. <\/p>\n

The good news is that, now that you\u2019re divorced from your ex, you don\u2019t have to share the same wrong values and make the same mistake together. <\/p>\n

Before accepting the notion that kids should never have the possibility of seeing a parent in bed with anyone outside the holy bonds etc., ask yourself what makes it right or wrong to introduce a partner to your kids (eventually), and when is it right to tell your ex what to do about this issue (never).<\/p>\n

On the first point, factor in your confidence in the partner\u2019s capacity to make a long-term commitment, contribute to the family\u2019s resources, and respond to intense emotions without over-reacting. Once you find a serious prospect, the best way to find out whether they have what it takes and can stand up to the shock of entering a pre-formed family is to welcome them in and do it as positively as possible.<\/p>\n

Of course, you should spare the kids unnecessary pain, but the possibility of gaining a step-father for the family justifies some risk-taking, and there\u2019s no point in feeling guilty if you\u2019ve made the decision thoughtfully and for good reasons.<\/p>\n

As to the question of telling your ex what to do, well, don\u2019t. You can share your criteria, sure, but you\u2019re not going to change your ex, and conflict usually causes more harm than good. If you were that good at negotiation things as a couple, you probably wouldn\u2019t be divorced at this point. <\/p>\n

If he exposes the kids to danger or unnecessary hurt, you may gather information that will invite court supervision. If you push him before there\u2019s any obvious danger, however, you\u2019ll look like a jealous ex who can\u2019t let go.<\/p>\n

Instead of worrying about and blaming each other for traumatizing the kids, drop the guilt, and get used to be one big family, period, with possible happiness on the horizon.<\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\n\u201cI hate to remind the kids that their parents are divorced and there\u2019s a new partner in my bed; but the best way to help them adjust is to be positive and assertive about welcoming my (well-vetted) friend into our family. They may have negative feelings, just as I have my fears. What I need to share, however, is my belief that the new partnership will improve our lives.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Rebuilding anything, from a family post-separation to the entire Gulf coast, is an arduous, often painful process. Strong leadership goes a long way towards aiding the operation, and in the case of divorce, a leadership duo is potentially stronger and has a lot more to offer the kids. Yes, there\u2019s pain, but if you can […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[85,103,29,89,90,91,93,33,20,25,69],"tags":[13,12,30,97,3,11,6,104,42,95,99],"class_list":["post-776","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-acceptance","category-divorce","category-fairness","category-ffamily","category-fear","category-guilt","category-improving-others","category-just-fcked","category-kidsparenting","category-relationships","category-sexuality","tag-acceptance","tag-angerhatred","tag-divorce","tag-fairness","tag-ffamily","tag-guilt","tag-improving-others","tag-just-fcked","tag-parenting","tag-relationships","tag-sex"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/776","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=776"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/776\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":778,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/776\/revisions\/778"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=776"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=776"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=776"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}