{"id":576,"date":"2010-04-08T00:56:02","date_gmt":"2010-04-08T05:56:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.fxckfeelings.com\/?p=576"},"modified":"2010-04-08T11:36:22","modified_gmt":"2010-04-08T16:36:22","slug":"performance-anxiety","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/2010\/04\/08\/performance-anxiety\/","title":{"rendered":"Performance Anxiety"},"content":{"rendered":"

Many jobs, especially those involving leadership or sales, depend on making a good impression with the public. The risk is becoming so focused on public reaction that you end up like Ed Koch, asking \u201cHow\u2019m I doin?\u201d with such frequency that you lose track of exactly what you\u2019re supposed to do (aside from getting people to curb their dogs). Most public jobs, however, involve lots of duties that only make an impression when done very poorly, so success can\u2019t be defined by accolades, and you\u2019re the only one who knows best. It\u2019s up to you to be your own best judge before you end up so hungry for approval that you get stuck in deep dog shit.
\n–Dr. Lastname<\/a><\/p>\n

As rabbi of a medium-sized temple for 10 years, I\u2019ve enjoyed a good relationship with my congregation and I love the work. My problem is that I rely on the temple Board to decide whether I get a raise, and, during the last recession, there wasn\u2019t one because everyone felt too poor to pay more dues. When, recently, I began looking at what rabbis of comparable congregations are making, however, I found that my salary is well below the mean, so I\u2019ve been wondering how to become more active without appearing to be greedy, selfish or unresponsive to the problems of the congregation. One way that occurred to me was to do a \u201c360 degree review\u201d and ask everyone to give me feedback on how I\u2019m doing, including the congregation, the board, and people who work for me. My goal is to get a high approval rating and use that to get a raise.\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Unlike the woman earlier this week who was too afraid to rock the boat by asking for a raise (until anger made her want to torpedo the ship), you\u2019re inhibited by guilt, empathy, and that certain Jewish ne sais quoi.<\/p>\n

Still, no matter how tempting it is, don\u2019t ask the congregation to clap if they think the rabbi deserves a raise. You\u2019re a scholar and a leader, not Tinkerbell.<\/p>\n

I know, it\u2019s easy for a rabbi, or any figurehead of an organization, to rate him\/herself by how a congregation responds as an audience; they may not clap, but they sure let you know how they feel, and a \u201c360 review\u201d seems like a good way to quantify your ratings. <\/p>\n

You can do a good job as a rabbi, however, without necessarily getting good reactions or being able to control them. Instead of linking the value of your performance to the reaction of your audience, do a self-360, using as your criteria how well you do all the activities that are important to your job, without overemphasizing the obvious crowd-pleasers (although I\u2019m sure your Purim service is hard to beat). <\/p>\n

Then, link a raise in your salary to the market value of good-enough rabbinical services, and not to your current popularity, so you won\u2019t be overly influenced by the ups and downs of congregational politics. <\/p>\n

Sure, as a leader who is supposed to provide comfort, it\u2019s easy to feel responsible for your congregation\u2019s pain. As a rabbi, however, you should know how to distinguish between selfishness and legitimate self-interest. <\/p>\n

You have an obligation to make a living, support your family, and get paid for your services, so it\u2019s up to you to decide what your services are worth, and then allow your congregants to decide whether they\u2019re willing to make the necessary sacrifices. Your instincts may be Rabbinical, but you have to think a little bit like a C.E.O(y vey).<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t ask the board whether your needs are legitimate; you\u2019ve done the self-360, determined that you\u2019ve done a good enough job, and made your own allowances for their current financial problems. Now it\u2019s up to you to grow balls\/pray and tell them the salary you deserve. If they think differently, it\u2019s their job to explain why.<\/p>\n

Be prepared to respond to the emotional questions that make you feel most guilty or insecure about your request. When you\u2019ve answered your own guilt-provoking questions, your posture and voice will tell people that you\u2019re at peace with yourself. <\/p>\n

These questions probably include; \u201cDo you feel that we aren\u2019t taking proper care of your needs?\u201d and \u201cWhy should you get more when others are making do with less?\u201d, all of which are really asking, \u201cWhy is this Rabbi worth as much as all other Rabbis?\u201d Lucky for you, you’ve figured out the answer.<\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\n\u201cI\u2019m requesting a raise because my current salary has fallen too far below what similar congregations are able to provide for their rabbis, taking into account the current bad economy and assuming that I\u2019m carrying out my duties diligently and responsibly. My family has been feeling the pinch. I am very happy with this congregation and it is easy for all of us to forget about the salary issue, particularly when times are bad. But it\u2019s necessary. Here are my data and here\u2019s my idea of a fair salary.\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019m a salesman and I love selling, but I\u2019ve always had mood swings and I\u2019ve never been that disciplined. For the last few months, and for seemingly no reason, I\u2019ve been depressed, and it\u2019s starting to destroy my life. I\u2019m pretty good at putting on a smile, but people have started to notice that I\u2019ve lost my bounce, and that just pushes me further down the spiral. I can\u2019t get myself to do anything more than the bare minimum, so my numbers are going to be terrible. I can\u2019t stand what I\u2019m doing to myself. I need to get my control back.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Nothing feels more like failure than a depressive meltdown that makes smiling and\/or talking to people a huge chore, and undermines the good work habits you\u2019ve managed to put together. It feels shameful, personal, and avoidable. In reality, it\u2019s none of those things.<\/p>\n

When you\u2019re a salesman whose earnings depend on the attractiveness of your personality, it\u2019s hard not to rate success by the response of others to your self-presentation and take responsibility. The same is true for actors, politicians, and, you guessed it, rabbis. <\/p>\n

Don\u2019t believe those speakers and supervisors, however, who tell you there\u2019s no limit to the persuasiveness of someone who stays motivated, focused and on message. Believing their words may help you when you\u2019re a novice who needs to overcome shyness and learn how to talk to people, but once depression sets in, belief in your ability to control how others think of you will cause you shame and make you worse.<\/p>\n

Your goal isn\u2019t to control the way people respond to you, no matter how good you are at sales. It\u2019s to accept your lack of control over the symptoms of a disabling illness, and respect yourself for dealing with it as well as you can, taking each day as it comes. <\/p>\n

Decide for yourself whether you can do a good enough job, and what you need to do to get help. Then you\u2019re ready to confront the worst thoughts you can imagine people having about you, knowing that you\u2019ve done your best. <\/p>\n

Before you can get deal effectively with your symptoms, you need to sell yourself on the fact that your depression is out of your hands.<\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\nI like this job and it requires a large amount of energy, which I can usually count on. Right now, however, I have an illness that prevents me from working at full capacity. While getting treatment, I\u2019ll continue to work if I can, trying to do what\u2019s most important. I hope that I\u2019ll be back to normal as soon as possible. Meanwhile, I appreciate your help and understanding.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Many jobs, especially those involving leadership or sales, depend on making a good impression with the public. The risk is becoming so focused on public reaction that you end up like Ed Koch, asking \u201cHow\u2019m I doin?\u201d with such frequency that you lose track of exactly what you\u2019re supposed to do (aside from getting people […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[85,37,41,54,91,33,48,25,65,38,52],"tags":[13,100,44,97,111,11,104,106,45,32,102,109],"class_list":["post-576","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-acceptance","category-actual-mental-illness","category-anxiety","category-finances","category-guilt","category-just-fcked","category-medication","category-relationships","category-religion","category-therapy","category-work","tag-acceptance","tag-anxiety","tag-depression","tag-fairness","tag-finances","tag-guilt","tag-just-fcked","tag-medication","tag-mental-illness","tag-shit-sandwich","tag-therapy","tag-work"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/576","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=576"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/576\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":579,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/576\/revisions\/579"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=576"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=576"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=576"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}