{"id":2893,"date":"2017-10-26T08:00:20","date_gmt":"2017-10-26T12:00:20","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/?p=2893"},"modified":"2017-09-18T23:37:21","modified_gmt":"2017-09-19T03:37:21","slug":"no-way-computer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/2017\/10\/26\/no-way-computer\/","title":{"rendered":"No Way, Computer"},"content":{"rendered":"

Very rational, even tempered guys can be attractive in their own way, particularly after you\u2019ve been put through the ringer by emotional, indecisive man-boys who make impulsive, irrational decisions (like picking fights\/cheating or breaking up with you). A rational style, however, does not necessarily guarantee that they\u2019re better at managing their emotions or acting more decently than their less moody brethren. That’s why you need to learn to evaluate a rational guy\u2019s ability to be a good guy before you decide whether he\u2019s truly good for you.<\/em><\/p>\n

-Dr. Lastname<\/em><\/p>\n

My kid’s dad used to say that he wanted to be Data from Star Trek<\/i> as a kid because Data didn’t have feelings, so he changed his personality to one that wasn’t “ruled by emotions.” Instead of becoming wise and patient, however, he\u2019s morphed into a complete narcissist. He might not show emotion, but he seems fueled by anger and selfish impulses; he doesn\u2019t get angry, just calmly denies he\u2019s done anything wrong, which is less like Star Trek<\/i> and more like Gaslight<\/i>. He\u2019s become a totally unempathetic, perpetual victim. My goal is to figure out if there\u2019s a way to un-Data him or if he\u2019s just beyond hope.<\/strong>
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\nF*ck Love: One Shrink’s Sensible Advice for Finding a Lasting Relationship<\/a>\"\"<\/p>\n

While it\u2019s natural to link your partner\u2019s poor communication and emotional rigidity to his childhood aspiration to grow up to be an android, his choice of idol may be less the cause of his problem than a result. In other words, you\u2019d love to be able to change him so he was less selfish, more responsive to your needs, and easier to talk to\u2014less Data and more Betazoid\u2014b<\/b>ut you have to wonder whether you\u2019re asking him to be someone he\u2019s not.<\/span><\/p>\n

Remember, he first identified with this character as a kid, so his determination to be feelingless came long before your relationship and may not have reflected a choice so much as a state of being that he was already in and couldn\u2019t help. For a fuller picture, ask friends and family members whether he was ever much different than he is now when it comes to expressing or sharing feelings, or ask him and others about any previous relationships and whether they failed because of the traits you now find difficult.<\/p>\n

If, as is most likely, his rigidity and poor relationship skills have always been a problem and have survived other people\u2019s efforts to get him to change, then you’ll know for sure that he’s a Data for good. At which point it\u2019s your job to decide whether the relationship is worthwhile the way it is, not the way you want it to be.<\/p>\n

Instead of looking for the key to making him change, evaluate how much he contributes as a partner and father in spite of his personality problems. Ask yourself whether he carries his weight, does enough to care for you and your son, and is a decent, trustworthy partner overall with whom you can enjoy occasional good times together. He may not be as loving and demonstrative as even a Vulcan, but if he shows his feelings by helping out, providing good financial support, and cleaning the gutters, then that’s worth taking into account.<\/span><\/p>\n

If you don’t think he contributes in any of the necessary ways listed above, and you can’t think of a reason to stay with him beyond your love and false hope in his ability to change, then it\u2019s time to look hard at what would get better if you were on your own. If he does help out in important ways, even if he does so in a detached fashion, then you should stop attacking him for being less-than-humanoid and find ways to praise his strengths and any traces of un-Data behavior. Overall, your focus should be on what you think will be best for you and your son in the long run.<\/p>\n

If it’s worth it, learn to accept his Data traits while learning to interpret his feelings from the good things he does for you, rather than waiting for him to express them through his words or face. Whether he’s worth it or not, however, don\u2019t be his victim. Remind yourself that, whatever you choose, you\u2019re doing it because it\u2019s the better choice and not because you\u2019re trapped or because you’ve failed to make him better.<\/p>\n

Alas, if he really were like Data, you could improve his humanity with a screwdriver and some code; as it is, you can either improve your view of him or simply move on.<\/p>\n

STATEMENT:<\/p>\n

“My partner\u2019s robotic approach to expressing emotion drives me crazy, burt I will not dump him until I figure out what he has to offer when he\u2019s not being a pain in the ass. I will not keep him because of false hopes in his ability to change or dump him because of irritation. I will evaluate our relationship based on my and my family\u2019s needs and then, if I decide to keep him, I will not expect him to change.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Very rational, even tempered guys can be attractive in their own way, particularly after you\u2019ve been put through the ringer by emotional, indecisive man-boys who make impulsive, irrational decisions (like picking fights\/cheating or breaking up with you). A rational style, however, does not necessarily guarantee that they\u2019re better at managing their emotions or acting more […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[88,58,25],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2893","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-assholes","category-boundries","category-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2893","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2893"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2893\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2895,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2893\/revisions\/2895"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2893"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2893"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2893"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}