{"id":2341,"date":"2015-06-08T00:01:19","date_gmt":"2015-06-08T04:01:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/?p=2341"},"modified":"2015-10-27T17:29:46","modified_gmt":"2015-10-27T21:29:46","slug":"many-crappy-returns","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/2015\/06\/08\/many-crappy-returns\/","title":{"rendered":"Many Crappy Returns"},"content":{"rendered":"

We spend endless amounts of time wishing happiness on our friends and pain on our enemies, if only because their respective happiness and misery gives us pleasure, as well; there’s at least one German word and a few nighttime soap operas that sum up the concept well. Trouble is, of course, that happiness is a deceptive drug and punishment has unintended consequences, so our cathartic needs are a poor guide for what we should actually do. Even if you can’t help but cheer on friends and flip off villains, don’t take any real action until you can carefully consider the limits of what you actually control and how you wish things to turn out. Then you\u2019re much more likely to get a gl\u00fccklich<\/em> ending.
\n–Dr. Lastname<\/a> <\/p>\n

I\u2019m worried about my sister\u2019s recent engagement because she hasn\u2019t known the guy that long and she\u2019s been very vulnerable since her divorce from her unfaithful ex-husband. On the other hand, she seems so happy after such a long period of misery, and I think that\u2019s all that really counts. The guy is probably fine, but we just don\u2019t know much about him, and things have moved very quickly. I know that if I ask her to slow things down, she\u2019ll tell me how happy she is, implying that I\u2019m trying to rain on her parade. My goal is to help her be happy.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

As we’ve said many times, a good marriage should provide many things\u2014a trustworthy partner to share responsibilities with, the ability to use the carpool lane, someone to always take the blame\u2014but immediate happiness is not one of them. <\/p>\n

Marriage is a forever commitment, and happiness is a fleeting emotion; marrying someone because they make you happy makes as much sense as getting hungry and investing everything in a restaurant.<\/p>\n

After all, all it takes to give you a dating high is to have the object of your interest show interest in return. And if anyone tries to point out any of said interest object’s flaws, or just the flaws of rushing in, these unpleasant facts go from being important information to unwanted buzz kill. <\/p>\n

That’s why what\u2019s not important is your sister\u2019s happiness now, but the potential for her new relationship to be solid and steady in the long run, and that depends on her taking time to examine a due-diligence list of important facts. <\/p>\n

She needs to know whether her fianc\u00e9 has a good record with prior relationships, is good with managing money, and has a good reputation for honesty and reliability. She also needs to go through a stressful situation with him so she can see for herself how well they work together and tolerate one another\u2019s negative feelings, because if his strongest selling point is that he makes her happy, then her unhappiness may render him worthless. <\/p>\n

Make it clear you don\u2019t dislike her fianc\u00e9 or mistrust her judgment. You\u2019re just doing for her what you\u2019d want her to do for you; reminding her to check for red flags and not go forward until she\u2019s really satisfied she has all the information she needs, not just positive emotion, to make a good decision. If she complains that you\u2019re spoiling her happiness, remind her that her ex-husband made her happy, too, until he made her miserable by cheating on her. <\/p>\n

That’s why you believe long-term happiness requires good, careful evaluation of character. You\u2019re not judging her fianc\u00e9\u2014 that\u2019s her job, and you\u2019re urging her to do it properly.<\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\n\u201cI don\u2019t want to spoil my sister\u2019s happiness with her new fianc\u00e9 after the misery her ex-husband put her through, but I know I can give her good advice about the information she needs to gather without implying there\u2019s anything wrong with him or their relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n

My stepmother was actually wicked; she was verbally abusive to me and my sister, and even stole from us in high school and lied about us to friends and teachers. After I left home I swore to cut her out of my life as much as humanly possible, and she made no effort to keep in touch with me, either. Now I have a family of my own, and the last thing I want to do is share my big upcoming birthday with her, so I invited my father to join us at a nearby city where my sister lives. He\u2019s trying to guilt my sister and me into inviting his wife, and I just don\u2019t want to. I don\u2019t care if it makes her feel bad or left out\u2014actually, that\u2019d be a bonus\u2014especially because she only wants to be there to make my sister and me miserable since she doesn\u2019t like us and never will. My goal is to see my father by himself (and see the step-monster in hell).<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

As painful as it was to grow up living with an abusive stepmother, it must have been equally difficult to experience your father\u2019s lack of understanding or protection. It\u2019s natural then for you to want future birthdays and holidays to include him but not her; she deserves punishment and you deserve time with your father that she can\u2019t ruin.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, you can\u2019t change your father\u2019s marital blind-spot and insistence that his wife co-preside at all family events. I assume he knows how you and your sister feel, and that his position has remained steady and isn\u2019t likely to change after further discussion. So forget about your hope of getting him away from her; whether it\u2019s because of pressure from her, or his own take-me-take-my-wife stubbornness, he\u2019s part of a package deal.<\/p>\n

If you tell your father how you feel (again), you\u2019ll just get accused of disrespect, childishness, and insensitivity. Instead of wasting your time with that argument, add up the pros and cons of seeing the two together. Ask yourself how important it is for you and the kids to see your father and how much you can mitigate the pain of your stepmother\u2019s presence.<\/p>\n

My guess is that occasional interaction with your father is meaningful, in spite of your stepmother\u2019s presence, but that it\u2019s best to avoid close or prolonged contact. If that\u2019s the case, set up your visits so you control the duration and leave early if absolutely necessary. Then, present your plans positively and without reference to past wrongs.<\/p>\n

Let him know your goal is to arrange the best compromise that allows you to spend quality time together while making things as easy as possible for his wife. Then, if you\u2019re challenged about why you\u2019re not staying longer or inviting them to stay overnight, don\u2019t apologize or offer a long explanation. You\u2019re the one who has to take your husband’s and kids\u2019 schedules into account, as well as your father\u2019s needs, and this is what works, period.<\/p>\n

You may never get much pleasure from seeing your father, and seeing your stepmother may always make you want to throw up. You should still give yourself credit, however, for making the best of a tough situation and preserving positive family ties in spite of your father\u2019s wicked marital decision.<\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\n\u201cFamily events always leave me feeling like I miss my father and have PTSD when I look at his wife, but I will tolerate a small dose of that pain in order to hold our family together.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We spend endless amounts of time wishing happiness on our friends and pain on our enemies, if only because their respective happiness and misery gives us pleasure, as well; there’s at least one German word and a few nighttime soap operas that sum up the concept well. Trouble is, of course, that happiness is a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[49,85,87,41,58,98,103,29,89,90,91,93,33,20,51,46,80,25,79,82],"tags":[107,13,127,35,100,30,97,3,15,11,36,96,6,104,105,42,120],"class_list":["post-2341","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-abuse","category-acceptance","category-angerhatred","category-anxiety","category-boundries","category-crazy-people","category-divorce","category-fairness","category-ffamily","category-fear","category-guilt","category-improving-others","category-just-fcked","category-kidsparenting","category-loss","category-marriage","category-regret","category-relationships","category-respect","category-values","tag-abuse","tag-acceptance","tag-aging","tag-anger","tag-anxiety","tag-divorce","tag-fairness","tag-ffamily","tag-fear","tag-guilt","tag-hatred","tag-helping-others","tag-improving-others","tag-just-fcked","tag-marriage","tag-parenting","tag-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2341","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2341"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2341\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2342,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2341\/revisions\/2342"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2341"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2341"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2341"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}