{"id":2173,"date":"2014-12-01T00:01:03","date_gmt":"2014-12-01T05:01:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/?p=2173"},"modified":"2014-11-30T14:27:04","modified_gmt":"2014-11-30T19:27:04","slug":"to-help-and-back","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/2014\/12\/01\/to-help-and-back\/","title":{"rendered":"To Help and Back"},"content":{"rendered":"

Everybody needs help sometimes\u2014even Putin could occasionally use a hand dismounting his steed\u2014but not everybody’s idea of what constitutes constructive help is the same. This disconnect can be especially unpleasant in families, because parents instinctively want to help their children, but if their children prefer their help to be more tempered or less tough, feelings are going to get hurt. If you can remember the good intentions behind the bad technique\u2014be you the receiver of help or the giver\u2014you can figure out ways to communicate constructively, even with someone who wants to do right but just can’t help himself.
\n–Dr. Lastname<\/a><\/p>\n

I have a pretty good relationship with my mother, but I can\u2019t really talk to her about my problems or ask for advice because she gives me an earful. I know she means well, but she always worries about me and has her own theories about the courses I should have taken in college and the jobs I should have looked for. If anything goes wrong, she has theories about whom I alienated and what I should have done to make people like me. Like, right now, I’m dealing with a bad break up, but I have to pretend to be cheerful on the phone with her, because once she finds out what happened. she\u2019ll list all the ways I ruin relationships or make bad choices in partners. It\u2019s impossible. My goal is pursue my own course without losing her support when I need it or having to hide parts of my life from her.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

You\u2019ve obviously gotten good at not taking offense at your mother\u2019s recriminations and learning to accept her tendency to overreact. Unfortunately, understanding is rarely a two way street; just because you accept her flaws doesn’t mean she’ll be able to stop herself from giving you an earful about yours.<\/p>\n

So, even though you don\u2019t see her observations as malicious or let them trigger your own doubts, her inability to control her worries or her mouth makes it unlikely that she\u2019s ever going to change. <\/p>\n

As much as you’d like to be honest with her about your life, she’s always going to be forthcoming with her criticism if you tell her anything that sounds like a problem. You’re lucky to have a mother who really cares about you, but you’re screwed in that she shows it by carefully listing all of your flaws and mistakes. <\/p>\n

If you want someone to share all of your fears and frustrations with, you’d be wise to get a goldfish or houseplant. Then, once you’ve vented to an inanimate audience, figure out how to speak honestly with your mother by finding a way to describe your problems optimistically and with confidence. If you\u2019d like your mother\u2019s help, tell her, but without frightening her. Treat her like a valued investor, not an emergency savior.<\/p>\n

If she worries about your security, make it clear that you worry, too, and have examined your risks carefully. If she points out your past mistakes, don\u2019t hesitate to agree when she\u2019s right, and then stress what you learned from them. If she asks you whether you\u2019re frightened, tell her that, of course, you get anxious\u2014after all, you\u2019re her kid\u2014but that doesn\u2019t change the fact that you have good plans and a good support team.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re good at ignoring recrimination; if you can give up the hope of ever being able to share raw fear with your mother, you may well be able to tell her more about yourself and gain her support. You’ll never get her to help you on your terms, but if you can present your problems thoughtfully, you won’t have to accept help on her terms, either. <\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\n\u201cI wish I could get emotional support from my mother when I need it, but she worries too much to stay positive. I know I have her love and I\u2019ll always have her support as long as I can avoid triggering her anxiety.\u201d<\/p>\n

My son is a great kid, but I wish he were better able to stand on his own two feet. When he comes to me for help, I get a feeling he wants me to take care of him and solve his problems; I feel bad that right now he\u2019s going through some tough times because his wife is sick, but he acts like it\u2019s my job to make it better. He complains that I\u2019ve done more for his siblings, which makes me worry about his gimme, sob-story attitude and how I\u2019ve spoiled him. My goal is to see him get ahead and become independent while helping him overcome his expectations about getting his income and unconditional support from me.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

It\u2019s good that you know your son is a great kid, but it’s weird that you think he’s also potentially a spoiled kid at the same time. In order to figure out where his personality truly lies, you need to think hard about your knowledge of his character and overall experience before deciding that he\u2019s in need of tough love.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t rely entirely on your instincts because they\u2019re reactive to the stress of your son\u2019s emotions. If he\u2019s very anxious about his wife\u2019s illness, or feels criticized by his father, his negative emotions may cause him to appear ungrateful and entitled, so don\u2019t assume the worst based on how he acts when he\u2019s at his worst.<\/p>\n

Instead, remember his strengths and ask respectful questions about his assets and needs. If he has always been hardworking, he probably still is, so if he can\u2019t take care of himself and his family right now, there may be good reason. After all, we live in one of the few civilized countries in which health care is considered a luxury.<\/p>\n

Be careful not to apply macho standards to him because he\u2019s a guy; do a gender-neutral evaluation of his needs and, if you can\u2019t give him as much as you\u2019d like, make it clear that you have to think of the long run and his and your future needs while you manage your resources.<\/p>\n

If you do give to him, don’t do it because he looks needy or angry, but because you think his needs are legitimate and he has made a good effort to take care of them. Remember, you\u2019re on the same side, and you want to help whenever you think it\u2019s necessary. If he’s truly a good kid, then he deserves a good father.<\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\n\u201cThere\u2019s something very worrisome about the way my son asks me for help, but I won\u2019t let emotion get in the way of my ability to assess legitimate need and do what\u2019s necessary.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Everybody needs help sometimes\u2014even Putin could occasionally use a hand dismounting his steed\u2014but not everybody’s idea of what constitutes constructive help is the same. This disconnect can be especially unpleasant in families, because parents instinctively want to help their children, but if their children prefer their help to be more tempered or less tough, feelings […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[85,87,88,58,29,89,54,91,93,33,20,25,79,82],"tags":[13,35,118,97,3,15,111,11,96,6,104,42,95],"class_list":["post-2173","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-acceptance","category-angerhatred","category-assholes","category-boundries","category-fairness","category-ffamily","category-finances","category-guilt","category-improving-others","category-just-fcked","category-kidsparenting","category-relationships","category-respect","category-values","tag-acceptance","tag-anger","tag-boundries","tag-fairness","tag-ffamily","tag-fear","tag-finances","tag-guilt","tag-helping-others","tag-improving-others","tag-just-fcked","tag-parenting","tag-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2173","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2173"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2173\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2175,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2173\/revisions\/2175"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2173"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2173"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2173"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}