{"id":2077,"date":"2014-07-24T00:01:48","date_gmt":"2014-07-24T04:01:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.fxckfeelings.com\/?p=2077"},"modified":"2014-07-23T11:05:01","modified_gmt":"2014-07-23T15:05:01","slug":"family-fuel","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/2014\/07\/24\/family-fuel\/","title":{"rendered":"Family Fuel"},"content":{"rendered":"

All of us suffer from a Cassandra complex at one time or another, where we see something so clearly\u2014from how your brother will regret eating that gas station sushi to why your wife will wish she’d never paid for a year of intensive aerial Pilates up front\u2014but can’t get anyone to heed our vision. Sometimes you can see a disaster looming because people are too angry and agitated, and sometimes it’s because they\u2019re complacent and don\u2019t give a damn. In either case, before you try to sound the alarm, give thought to the reasons for their feelings and the probable impact of your attempts to warn them so that your attempts to change opinions don’t accidentally cement them. Provide wise counsel if you can, but don\u2019t expect anyone to listen until events, even painful sushi-related ones, put them in a more receptive state of mind.
\n–Dr. Lastname<\/a><\/p>\n

As long as I avoid certain (mostly political, mostly right wing) topics, I get along with my in-laws pretty well. The problem is that such topics sometimes become unavoidable, usually when they get really wound up about a specific current event, and right now, they\u2019re very vocal about being rabidly pro-Israel. I\u2019m Jewish (they aren\u2019t), so they assume I feel the same way as them and shower me with links and e-mail forwards that are nothing short of anti-Palestinian propaganda, but I don\u2019t agree with them necessarily, and that kind of thing makes my skin crawl. They see the issue as black and white, and let\u2019s just say I just see it as complicated, infuriating and heartbreaking, and their warmongering just angers and depresses me. I want to find a way to respond to them that gets them to see how damaging and foolish their angry rhetoric is, or to at least find some consensus in getting them to agree that killing isn\u2019t answering anything. My goal is to get my in-laws to drop the subject in an enlightening, non-provocative way, even if I can\u2019t change their minds.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

One reason it\u2019s hard to stop angry war rhetoric, particularly if it comes from nice people who aren\u2019t particularly angry in non-political situations, is that they feel that aggressive action is necessary to prevent or overcome a dangerous threat. From annoying e-mail forwards to amassing an arsenal, fear rarely leads to thoughtful, positive action. <\/p>\n

So if you suggest that your in-laws are advocating useless conflict with and killing of Palestinians, you\u2019re questioning their morality at a time that they\u2019re calling for moral sacrifice. You\u2019re not just spilling blood in front of a shark, but a shark who thinks he’s being chased by a kraken.<\/p>\n

Rather than questioning the morality of those who take a hardline, aggressive position in defense of Israel (or in support of any armed conflict), confine yourself to challenging war’s effectiveness. In that way you can avoid being unnecessarily provocative\u2014even if you\u2019re morally offended by your in-laws\u2019 argument, but don\u2019t start a battle of your own\u2014while making an argument that will probably be true as time goes on.<\/p>\n

Remember, you and your in-laws both want a safe, peaceful world; once Israel is no longer threatened, no one wants Palestinians to suffer. You\u2019re on the same side, even if their rhetoric is disturbing and the means they advocate repugnant.<\/p>\n

Of course, once you accept the fact that they won\u2019t change their position and will become more argumentative if you challenge them, your choices are limited. You can shut up, excuse yourself, or explain that you find that talking about Israel triggers anxiety attacks that you\u2019d rather avoid by talking about other things.<\/p>\n

In any case, don\u2019t feel you\u2019ve failed to advocate for peace by not confronting views that are war-friendly. Respect your in-laws\u2019 good intentions and the fact that life usually teaches its own lessons about aggressive intervention, even if we need to re-learn the lesson, and experience the same fear, over and over.<\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\n\u201cI can\u2019t listen to my in-laws talk about Palestinians without feeling they want to punish them, but I know this is their reaction to a real threat to Israel and that accepting this threat as unavoidable is hard to do. I will respect their concern and practice my diplomatic skills within the family.\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019m one of five kids, but I often feel like an only child since I\u2019m the only sibling who lives anywhere near our aging parents and their care often falls on my shoulders. My father can get around alright, but my mother is showing signs of dementia, and she\u2019s starting to do things that scare me, like forgetting to turn off the stove or saying she needs the car keys to drive to visit her long-dead parents. Dementia is also making her mean, so when I suggest that she might need some in-home care, like a part-time nurse, she\u2019s gotten furious to the point of near-violence, and my father, who fears her rage a lot more than I do, just agrees with her. My siblings could help me, but they tell me I must be over-reacting or just don\u2019t want to deal with it. My goal is to find a way to get my siblings to help me help our parents, because if I can\u2019t make them give a shit, something awful is going to happen.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

As hard as it is to watch your mother deteriorate into dementia and threaten to hurt your father, it\u2019s not unusual for siblings who aren\u2019t on the scene to back away and devalue the concern of the brother or sister who is immersed in what\u2019s happening. In most cases, it\u2019s not because they don\u2019t give a shit, although that\u2019s what it feels like to you. It\u2019s because they aren\u2019t yet ready to accept the sad truth about your parents\u2019 decline.<\/p>\n

As impossible as it might feel to step back, don\u2019t take responsibility for protecting your parents when you really can\u2019t. Yes, there\u2019s substantial danger that something bad and possibly fatal could happen, but that doesn\u2019t mean you can stop it, at least not yet. <\/p>\n

When people begin to deteriorate, there\u2019s often a stage when they look fairly normal to caregivers, even though their behavior has become dangerous, and until this problem becomes obvious, it\u2019s hard to get support for the appointment of a guardian. If you press the issue too hard before the evidence is obvious, you\u2019ll seem over-protective or vindictive and support will evaporate.<\/p>\n

That’s why you have to avoid the vicious circle of responsibility, concern, helplessness, and anger. You\u2019ll wind up blaming everyone for the bad things that you\u2019re afraid will happen to your parents, thus driving them away. Instead, recruit people to help you as soon as they decide that your parents require intervention. Even if your siblings are useless, don\u2019t tell them they don\u2019t care, not just because that’s probably unfair, but because attacking them for being unloving, uncaring kids is a good way to start a war. Instead, keep that thought to yourself and tell them that you know they care and will want information about your parents\u2019 ability to care for themselves. <\/p>\n

Don\u2019t wait for their support, however, before speaking to a lawyer about the grounds for appointing a guardian or conservator. If you have any reason to think your father is being abused, call his physician and\/or a state hotline.<\/p>\n

In the end, something bad\u2014although hopefully not too bad\u2014may have to happen before people will agree to step in. In the meantime, don\u2019t blame yourself or your sibs. Continue to monitor your parents\u2019 condition, accept the painful helplessness that goes with watching them fail, and be proud of your ability to tolerate that pain while you wait for the right time to rally the troops and intervene.<\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\n\u201cI feel like a disaster is about to happen to my parents and no one will help me prevent it, but I know it may be impossible to protect them until their impairment becomes more advanced. I\u2019ll continue to share information about their condition with their doctor and others until I have the power to act. I\u2019ll expect my sibs to respond with non-acceptance until events get them to see how much our parents have declined. I\u2019ll restrain my anger and recruit whatever help I can get.\u201d <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

All of us suffer from a Cassandra complex at one time or another, where we see something so clearly\u2014from how your brother will regret eating that gas station sushi to why your wife will wish she’d never paid for a year of intensive aerial Pilates up front\u2014but can’t get anyone to heed our vision. Sometimes […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[85,67,87,41,98,29,89,90,91,93,33,20,46,47,25,65,79,82],"tags":[13,127,35,12,100,34,97,3,15,11,6,104,105,95,32],"class_list":["post-2077","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-acceptance","category-aging","category-angerhatred","category-anxiety","category-crazy-people","category-fairness","category-ffamily","category-fear","category-guilt","category-improving-others","category-just-fcked","category-kidsparenting","category-marriage","category-mortality","category-relationships","category-religion","category-respect","category-values","tag-acceptance","tag-aging","tag-anger","tag-angerhatred","tag-anxiety","tag-crazy-people","tag-fairness","tag-ffamily","tag-fear","tag-guilt","tag-improving-others","tag-just-fcked","tag-marriage","tag-relationships","tag-shit-sandwich"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2077","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2077"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2077\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2079,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2077\/revisions\/2079"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2077"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2077"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2077"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}