{"id":1638,"date":"2013-04-08T00:01:26","date_gmt":"2013-04-08T04:01:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.fxckfeelings.com\/?p=1638"},"modified":"2013-04-07T22:58:36","modified_gmt":"2013-04-08T02:58:36","slug":"for-closure-proceedings","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/2013\/04\/08\/for-closure-proceedings\/","title":{"rendered":"For Closure Proceedings"},"content":{"rendered":"

Sometimes goals that appear meaningful, like speaking your mind, getting closure, or getting an art degree, are excuses for pursuing feel-good results we damn well know will turn out badly. If you put aside your yearning for a better world while examining the probable results of your actions, however, you\u2019re much more likely to do actual good, even when it doesn\u2019t feel so hot, rather than let good intentions draw you into making the same old mistakes. No matter how right it feels to try, getting the last word, closure, and\/or a BFA just aren’t worth it.
\n–Dr. Lastname<\/a><\/p>\n

It really isn\u2019t my ex-girlfriend’s fault that I got paranoid and couldn\u2019t work for two months\u2014she didn’t make me start using meth with her (she’s was a heavy user when we met). I used because I wanted to, not just because I loved her and the chemistry between us was amazing. Eventually, though, the meth made me unbelievably paranoid (I\u2019d never been into drugs before) and I thought she was putting the smell of cat piss in my apartment. I also couldn\u2019t sleep, think straight, or pay attention to anything for more than two seconds, so it wasn\u2019t long before my boss told me to get help or else. Months of treatment have almost put my brain back where it was before and I\u2019m almost ready to return to work, but I want my ex-girlfriend to know I don\u2019t blame her and I want us to part on good terms, so I think we should meet once more, just to get closure. My goal is to erase the negativity caused by my bad reaction to meth and close the book on the situation for good. <\/p><\/blockquote>\n

After month of treatment, you should be well-versed in how to approach your addiction one day at a time; while there might be a rehab out there that preaches having one last meth binge hurrah “for closure,” it probably won’t be open for long. <\/p>\n

The search for closure is the broken person’s version of the Holy Grail; long, dangerous, and ultimately futile. You might think you’re trying to put things right, but you’re really just picking a scab, so if you think it’ll help you heal, the opposite is true.<\/p>\n

While your relationship and your addiction aren’t exactly the same, they’ve both forced you to start you thinking about how you handle the difference between your values and needs. Closure isn’t real, especially if that’s what you want your sobriety to be.<\/p>\n

Your values, presumably, are to make a living, do a good job, and find relationships with good people. You now know that your needs, however, which have a life of their own and revel in your destruction, are stronger. So before taking a meeting with your old flame, give thought to what you\u2019re going to do about the fire within and the risk of rekindling another disaster.<\/p>\n

You may think you\u2019ve learned your lesson and there\u2019s no risk of harm in setting things straight with the girl whom, despite her unfortunate addiction, you were crazy about, but that’s the addiction talking. You\u2019ve got your strengths, but it\u2019s more likely that you\u2019re a guy who has always had a weakness for excitement that didn\u2019t get you into trouble until the wrong opportunity came along. Don\u2019t blame yourself; alert yourself to a sad fact of life you\u2019d rather ignore, which is that weaknesses like yours never go away and you\u2019ll need to become much stronger if you want to manage it.<\/p>\n

Your family and friends may want to comfort you and themselves with the lie, rather than facing the truth, by telling you they\u2019re happy you\u2019re back to yourself and confident it won\u2019t happen again. If you talk to people who\u2019ve been through a similar experience, however, they\u2019ll remind you of how easy it is for strong feelings to take over, how wonderful it feels, and how hard it is to stop. You need some 12-step friends and\/or a therapist to ground you in the realities of your weakness and coach you on how to fight it.<\/p>\n

To begin with, add up the pros and cons of satisfying your need for magical closure. Instead of sadly acknowledging the damage of meth addiction and you and your girlfriend\u2019s tendency to set one another off, you\u2019ll find ways to blame your breakup on mistakes and misunderstandings. The conversation is much more likely to end in conflict or, worse, reconciliation. Your job is to stay clean, get back to work, and develop new strengths, which is what you need to keep that in mind while you consider whether just one more talk with your old girlfriend will do you more harm or good. <\/p>\n

Remember, your feelings yearn for a positive ending with her, but it\u2019s your feelings that got you into this mess in the first place. The best way to put this right is to focus on your own sobriety, values, and future.<\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\n\u201cThe nasty words that ended our red-hot affair feel like a blot on the wonderful times we had together, but I know now that feeling too good was what was wrong, not right, with our relationship, and that the way to end things on a positive note is to push us away from further harm and towards better self-control.\u201d<\/p>\n

I work way too hard and, since my department was merged with another, I don\u2019t get much recognition, but I love what I do (it involves creating early education programs for needy children) and I feel I\u2019ve had a positive impact that couldn\u2019t have happened in any other way, through any other job. Even though my boss doesn\u2019t notice what I do, I\u2019m not exactly hurting for money or security, but I\u2019m sure not living much life outside my work and the office politics are humiliating, at best. My goal is to figure out how I\u2019ve managed to become such a workaholic and then put some balance back in my life.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Most jobs and relationships we hear about feel good but aren\u2019t good for you (see above), but this may well be the exception. This job feels good because it satisfies your values in a realistic way\u2014it actually expands opportunities for needy kids\u2014without causing you to starve or neglect your future security. It demands major sacrifices, including overwork and on-site disrespect, but those sacrifices may well be worth making. Nevertheless, be clear with yourself about what those sacrifices are. <\/p>\n

You don\u2019t describe your personal life, so it\u2019s possible that this job may interfere with your time spent with your kids (or perhaps starting a family), and\/or your partner, or reduce your ability to support one another. Your impact on improving the lives of kids may come at the cost of your relationship with your own kids, or of your marriage, or, if you’re single, your ability to find a relationship and start a family of your own. Obviously, there\u2019s no guarantee that you can sustain both a high-impact, idealistic job and a family at the same time; no matter how good you are at balancing on the high wire, life is never fair enough to offer you all the opportunities you deserve. So your choice may be the hard and unavoidable one, between the do-good job\/not-so-good personal life (or a feel-good-but-not-so-meaningful job with a better personal life).<\/p>\n

Before making that choice, seek good advice about job alternatives, including looking for similar jobs elsewhere and re-structuring your current job. Be sure that your idealism and perfectionism haven\u2019t drawn you into making sacrifices that aren\u2019t really necessary. If you find, however, that you can\u2019t change your personal life without sacrificing what you most value about your job, and vice versa, then you\u2019ve got a truly tough decision to make. The good news is that you\u2019ve done nothing wrong while doing great good, but the bad news is that there\u2019s no way to balance your life better without giving up a large part of what you love about your work.<\/p>\n

In any case, don\u2019t mistake the pain of hard choices for failure, because these are the choices that come from good values, hard work, and an unfair world. Respect your accomplishments, even as you decide whether to move in a new direction.<\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\n\u201cI feel like I must be doing something wrong to be working so hard for little recognition and very limited personal time, but I value what I\u2019m doing and the results are substantial and impossible to achieve in any other way. So I\u2019m proud of what I\u2019ve done and confident that I have good reason to make whatever choice is most meaningful at this stage of my life.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Sometimes goals that appear meaningful, like speaking your mind, getting closure, or getting an art degree, are excuses for pursuing feel-good results we damn well know will turn out badly. If you put aside your yearning for a better world while examining the probable results of your actions, however, you\u2019re much more likely to do […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[85,86,41,22,29,54,91,93,33,51,50,80,62,25,61,38,82],"tags":[13,14,100,97,15,111,11,96,104,122,95,109],"class_list":["post-1638","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-acceptance","category-addiction","category-anxiety","category-drugs","category-fairness","category-finances","category-guilt","category-improving-others","category-just-fcked","category-loss","category-obsessive-behavior","category-regret","category-rehab","category-relationships","category-secrets","category-therapy","category-values","tag-acceptance","tag-addiction","tag-anxiety","tag-fairness","tag-fear","tag-finances","tag-guilt","tag-helping-others","tag-just-fcked","tag-rehab","tag-relationships","tag-work"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1638","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1638"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1638\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1640,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1638\/revisions\/1640"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1638"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1638"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1638"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}