{"id":1625,"date":"2013-03-28T00:01:32","date_gmt":"2013-03-28T04:01:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.fxckfeelings.com\/?p=1625"},"modified":"2013-03-27T21:33:53","modified_gmt":"2013-03-28T01:33:53","slug":"best-self-exam","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/2013\/03\/28\/best-self-exam\/","title":{"rendered":"Best Self-Exam"},"content":{"rendered":"

Addiction is easier to understand if you picture it as a mental squatter, the way advertising for nasal decongestants depicts mucus as a working class family that happens to be gooey, green, and getting by in your sinuses. Even when people are strongly motivated to stop compulsive or addictive behavior, their addiction is often one step ahead of them, distorting their thinking to undermine their efforts and stay put. In some cases, they are so obsessed with the self-perceived ugliness of their bad habit that they can\u2019t consider more important reasons for stopping, while in other cases, they are so obsessed with finding their addiction’s ultimate cause that they wind up blaming people who care the most and could offer the most help in their recovery\/to send the addiction packing. If you\u2019re ready to quit, avoid stoking up feelings of self-disgust or blame; instead, prepare to tolerate pain without blame while looking for positive reasons to manage lingering inner demons and keep them from setting up house.
\n–Dr. Lastname<\/a><\/p>\n

I think I meet the clinical definition of having an eating disorder (at least, according to the all-knowing and all-powerful Wikipedia). For the past four years I have been binge eating and semi-purging through excessive laxative use. Before that, for about two years, I was probably somewhat anorexic, although I say this in retrospect as I don\u2019t think I either realized or would have admitted it at the time. (5\u20192\u201d and less than 90 lbs. is pretty thin, though). My goal is to stop binge eating, and I don\u2019t know how. My eating and obsession with food have basically taken over my life, and though I fight it and things have gotten better than they were a year or two ago, I\u2019m constantly afraid of when I will binge next. I don\u2019t trust myself at all. It affects my professional life, and I need to stop letting that happen. I miss the self-control and feelings of power and self-worth that my thinness used to give me. I realize that going back to that is not exactly a healthy goal, though. I\u2019d frankly be pretty pleased if I could just stop binging and get on with my life. <\/p><\/blockquote>\n

It\u2019s hard to underestimate how all-consuming an eating disorder can be; as you obsess about the ways to keep food out of your body, it becomes the main occupant of your mind. Every moment spent avoiding the act of eating requires twice as many moments of mental torment on the subject.<\/p>\n

Then there are endless concerns about your appearance, feelings of worthlessness, compulsive behaviors, and the intense ties between them. Eating disorders foster a kind of self-obsession, a dependence on your own thoughts and secret behaviors that devalues other goals and relationships. <\/p>\n

It\u2019s not surprising then that managing an eating disorder requires, not more self-control, but an acceptance that you\u2019ve lost control and a willingness to admit other people, like family and therapists, into your private, obsessive relationship with food. It\u2019s not unlike the so-called First Step of managing an addiction\u2014admitting your helplessness and recognizing the importance of values other than your needs and shame.<\/p>\n

As such, reading Wikipedia to discover whether you fit a diagnostic category isn’t necessary, because that\u2019s just another way of comparing your appearance to what\u2019s normal in the eyes of others. You need to ask yourself whether your eating disorder is preventing you from achieving other goals you find as or more important, like being good to your family, pursuing your passions, or moving up in your career (which you’ve acknowledged it has). <\/p>\n

Instead of trying to stop because the internet says so, consider whether you need to stop because you say so, according to your values. Then do research on the short and long-term health risks of binging and purging and then ask your primary care physician for a physical exam and lab tests that will tell you if it\u2019s done medical damage or put you at risk. The more you ground your efforts in actual health problems (if any) and a willingness to open up about your concerns, the more you\u2019ll break into the self-contained and self-sealed thinking of an eating disorder.<\/p>\n

You\u2019ve already accomplished a great deal by overcoming anorexia and developing a professional life. The one upside to anorexia is that sometimes the perfectionism that fuels it can push you to unusual proficiency and great achievements. Perhaps it\u2019s your growing awareness of other goals that now allows you to write about your eating disorder and seek ways of changing it.<\/p>\n

Remember, in the same way someone with a drinking problem still identifies as an alcoholic, even when sober, you may always have an eating disorder that either involves persistently abnormal behavior or a risk of relapse. Your goal, however, is not to control what you can\u2019t, but to manage your eating behavior as well as possible and, hopefully, prevent medical harm. As usual, accepting your lack of control will give you strength to manage your problem and the self-confidence that comes from knowing you\u2019ve done your best.<\/p>\n

So disown the self-loathing that goes with binging and purging, open yourself to more humane values, and share them with others. The more you accept both food and your tendency to obsess over it, the easier it will be to free up your mind and body to do other things, like eat, work, and even have fun. <\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\n\u201cI can\u2019t stand binging and purging and the way it can\u2019t help me feel thin, but I have other values, including managing my health and being able to be honest with friends. I will challenge my eating disorder by becoming a stronger person, rather than simply a better controlled eater, and thus achieve a pride that won\u2019t depend on the activity of the top end of my GI tract.\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve always worried about my son\u2019s drinking, and I\u2019m glad he decided to get help, even if he only did it because his wife threatened him with divorce. Unfortunately, as part of his recovery, he\u2019s discovered that I\u2019ve been a bad influence on his addiction because I drink wine with dinner every night, and I\u2019ve always bent over backwards to help him out when his drinking got him into trouble, which makes me a co-dependent enabler. He says that, until I realize my role in his addiction, I\u2019ll be part of the problem and that he needs to stay away from me. I\u2019m glad he\u2019s sober and I feel terrible for anything I’ve done to contribute to his addiction, so my goal is to figure out what he means so I can get our relationship back on track.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

As noted above, people struggling with compulsive behaviors are naturally self-centered because compulsion focuses their attention, desires, and concerns internally, and trying to stop that behavior often makes them turn inward even further. Your son\u2019s decision to stop drinking is, of course, an exciting step forward, but it\u2019s not surprising that he distributes blame according to how you make him feel, without regard to the good you\u2019ve done, his own responsibility for his behavior, or anything outside of himself. <\/p>\n

So don\u2019t make his mistake and assume that, since he feels you interfered with his recovery, his feelings have value, because they don\u2019t; they\u2019re what got him into this mess in the first place. Use your own judgment to decide whether you did him more harm than good and, if you did harm, what you can do to correct it.<\/p>\n

In terms of your own drinking, I assume you would have stopped it in his presence if he had asked, and I bet, if you had, it would not have pushed him into sobriety. Odds are then that you shouldn’t accept responsibility for that one (or stop drinking wine, unless you think it’s adversely affecting your own life).<\/p>\n

If you\u2019d been less helpful in rescuing him from his drunk-induced fuck-ups, he might have sobered up sooner and he might not; contrary to what many people believe, there is no exact place on the mental map called “bottom\u201d that, once hit, prompts people to wise up and sign on for sobriety. That means, once again, the major responsibility is his, not yours.<\/p>\n

Now that you\u2019ve got your balls back, don\u2019t apologize for mistakes you never made. You\u2019re delighted with his sobriety, and as such, have no trouble supporting and respecting his decisions to avoid alcohol and his commitment to take responsibility for whatever mess he gets himself into. You suspect, however, that, no matter how what part he feels you played in his addiction, your relationship is much more positive than negative and you can help him sustain sobriety in the long run. <\/p>\n

You hope he won\u2019t throw the baby out with the bathwater then because his feelings have singled you out as a bad influence. Putting long-term benefit ahead of immediate needs is what sobriety is all about, and you are all about his sobriety, whether he’s ready to ignore what his feelings tell him or not. <\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\n\u201cI feel terrible to hear my son tell me I prevented his recovery, but I know there\u2019s something irrational in his thinking that reeks of alcohol and tells me he has a long way to go. I\u2019ll offer him an unapologetic, positive view of our relationship that will encourage better decision-making and, regardless of his response, take pride in my efforts to show him how to be sober.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Addiction is easier to understand if you picture it as a mental squatter, the way advertising for nasal decongestants depicts mucus as a working class family that happens to be gooey, green, and getting by in your sinuses. Even when people are strongly motivated to stop compulsive or addictive behavior, their addiction is often one […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[85,37,86,23,71,78,29,89,90,91,93,20,50,80,62,61,38,82,52],"tags":[13,14,35,40,97,3,15,11,96,116,104,45,42,122,32,102,109],"class_list":["post-1625","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-acceptance","category-actual-mental-illness","category-addiction","category-alcohol","category-eating-disorders","category-failure","category-fairness","category-ffamily","category-fear","category-guilt","category-improving-others","category-kidsparenting","category-obsessive-behavior","category-regret","category-rehab","category-secrets","category-therapy","category-values","category-work","tag-acceptance","tag-addiction","tag-anger","tag-drinking","tag-fairness","tag-ffamily","tag-fear","tag-guilt","tag-helping-others","tag-illness","tag-just-fcked","tag-mental-illness","tag-parenting","tag-rehab","tag-shit-sandwich","tag-therapy","tag-work"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1625","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1625"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1625\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1627,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1625\/revisions\/1627"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1625"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1625"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1625"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}