{"id":1546,"date":"2012-12-27T00:01:18","date_gmt":"2012-12-27T05:01:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.fxckfeelings.com\/?p=1546"},"modified":"2012-12-26T22:22:16","modified_gmt":"2012-12-27T03:22:16","slug":"shtty-counsel","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/2012\/12\/27\/shtty-counsel\/","title":{"rendered":"Sh*tty Counsel"},"content":{"rendered":"

Giving advice is like taking your pants off in front of someone; there better be some sort of invitation or context, or things are going to get weird. That doesn\u2019t mean giving unsolicited advice isn\u2019t the right thing to do, or that there isn\u2019t a right way to do it; you just have to be prepared to control your emotions, particularly anger, fear, and helplessness, and only speak up when you think it\u2019s necessary, if you wish to prevent harm or enmity. Using the proper procedures for advice giving, you can do right by the ones you wish to help, even if you can\u2019t control or guarantee the results. If you can\u2019t keep your negativity to yourself, however, or you know speaking up will do more harm than good, better to keep your proverbial pants on.
\n–Dr. Lastname<\/a><\/p>\n

Please Note: We\u2019re off again on Monday for New Year\u2019s Eve. Here\u2019s to a great f*cking 2013!<\/em><\/p>\n

I talked to my cousin about her son’s guns & isolation, and now she tells me her family is “devastated.” How can I remain at peace with myself? I feel strong at the moment but feel a vague fear that a slow degradation of my strength may occur over time. Her family has been self-devastated for a long time. She divorced years ago. The oldest, adult son has never worked a meaningful job and has developed an intense focus on guns over the past couple of years. He shoots small rodents in their suburban back yard, then cooks and eats them (he uses just a pellet gun for this but with a home-made silencer, which must be illegal). The other son was within one semester of a college degree when he began using heavy drugs. His parents invested a fortune in the best rehab available but the son dropped out with two weeks to go. Start big and quit is one of the family’s MOs\u2014a deeply ingrained pattern. I have often thought they all need “tough love” but now that I’ve provided some, I seem to be a catalyst for further dysfunction. My conscience is clear but I feel sad at what I have set in motion (other sane people encouraged me to raise the warning so I did not operate in a vacuum). Of course, it was heavily influenced by the occasion of the CT school shooting.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

When someone you care about appears to be stumbling into deep trouble and letting things get out-of-control, scary, and\/or armed, it\u2019s hard not to get scared shitless on their behalf and offer them a piece of your mind.<\/p>\n

After all, if they can\u2019t figure out where to draw the line, you figure you can be the one to show them, even though you can\u2019t imagine how a parent could ever, ever allow dangerous behavior to go so far. You want to help your cousin by stopping her from doing something wrong, but telling her that is the wrongest way to go about it. <\/p>\n

When someone in trouble doesn\u2019t ask for your help, it\u2019s usually because they\u2019re already worried that they\u2019ve done something wrong and are afraid you\u2019ll think the same. If you confirm their fear of being judged, then they\u2019ll devote their energy away from actually confronting the problem and towards defending themselves against their new problem, you. <\/p>\n

You were certainly right to share your worries with her about her weird gun-toting, varmint-eating son, and right to voice your concerns about dangers she may be ignoring. What you shouldn\u2019t do, however, is imply criticism with the words \u201ctough love,\u201d which usually imply that a parent\u2019s over-permissiveness has created a spoiled brat. Even assuming it\u2019s true\u2014which may not be the case if her son is a paranoid schizophrenic\u2014there\u2019s nothing like knocking someone\u2019s parenting to cause a negative, defensive reaction (and nothing like comparing their son to a mass murderer to lay them especially low). <\/p>\n

Try starting over, if you can, by telling your cousin what you admire about her parenting and her kids\u2019 good qualities. After all, the older child was obviously hard-working and capable until drug addiction stopped him cold, and, since you don\u2019t describe the younger son as a brat, there\u2019s reason to think he may have been doing well until something went wrong, as well. Tell her you\u2019re sorry if she felt your were criticizing her or her boys, but you just want to be sure she\u2019s safe and offer any help you can.<\/p>\n

Then, if she\u2019s receptive, ask her about her older son\u2019s behavior in concrete, specific terms. Don\u2019t ask why he\u2019s changed\u2014that implies that she should have an answer that she obviously doesn\u2019t have and that may not exist\u2014and don\u2019t imply that he\u2019s behaving badly, because you don\u2019t know how much he controls himself. Just ask for the facts, particularly about whatever he\u2019s said or done that\u2019s dangerous or shows his brain isn\u2019t working right. Ask about threats, punches, voices in the head, silence when she asks questions, lost hygiene, and ideas about the FBI or Virgin Mary (it\u2019s funny how they fall into the same category in the psychotic mind). <\/p>\n

Whatever facts you uncover, don\u2019t let your fears prompt you to tell her what to do; instead, find out what options she\u2019s tried. If she seems to be ignoring a threat, ask her to consider her reasons for not being more worried. If she seems to be discounting the possibility of mental illness, ask her to read up on the signs and symptoms and consider what to do if they seem to fit.<\/p>\n

You can\u2019t tell your cousin how to straighten out her fucked-up family\u2014it would be nice if you could, and even nicer if there was a way she could actually do it\u2014but you can remind her that there are many good parents who can\u2019t stop their families from being fucked up, and many ways of being helpful to your fucked-up kids if you don\u2019t feel like a failure.<\/p>\n

Offering help when it isn\u2019t asked for is always tricky, but if you make the tone of the conversation constructive instead of critical, she might not be able to change her family, but she may be able to change her approach. And if she doesn\u2019t, or can\u2019t, you\u2019ll still know you did the right thing, and you did it the right way. <\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\n\u201cI feel like my cousin\u2019s son could go postal while she pretends there\u2019s nothing wrong, but I know these things don\u2019t happen because of bad parenting. I will try to make her feel respected before inviting her to share what she knows about her son. If I have an opportunity to advise her, I will encourage her to make rational decisions about what she knows rather than following her emotions. I will not let my helplessness force me to become impatient and critical.\u201d<\/p>\n

My 22-year-old daughter is a good kid and deserves to be treated as an adult, but she\u2019s been living at home since graduating college because she needs to save money, and I can\u2019t help but notice how many guys she dates and spends the night with. She often seems disappointed when they don\u2019t call her again, and then seems too eager to respond when someone new asks her out. I know if I use words like \u201cbad choices\u201d or \u201clow self-esteem\u201d she\u2019ll stop listening, and maybe I shouldn\u2019t offer advice unless it\u2019s invited, but I sure wish I could help steer her in a better direction. <\/p><\/blockquote>\n

There\u2019s an obvious danger to giving unsolicited advice (see above), and don\u2019t think the danger is much less when people pay a shrink for it. All you need do is imply they\u2019re doing something morally wrong and you\u2019ve either crushed their confidence or stirred them to crush yours. Unlike the woman above, however, your concern comes from observations, not suspicion, and it regards behavior that is far more within her own control. You know of what you speak, and as long as you speak carefully, a conversation is not impossible. <\/p>\n

Fortunately, you can often engage people in willing discussions about their dating problems if you keep the discussion positive, refrain from showing negative emotion (no matter what you really feel) and focus on the kind of thinking you want someone to do, rather than actions you want them to take. So don\u2019t show fear or disapproval, or do the psychobabble equivalent by talking about low self-esteem.<\/p>\n

Instead, tell her you respect her achieving her degree, saving money, and taking on the search for a good relationship. Then let her know that, if she\u2019s interested, you\u2019ve got some good ideas for how she can search for a partner while protecting her heart. <\/p>\n

It\u2019s true, you may be unacquainted with online dating or be one of those lucky individuals who stumbled into a good partnership without first having had many bad dates and a first marriage. Nevertheless, you can draw on other life experiences, like hiring someone for a job or working out a business partnership.<\/p>\n

In the non-emotional, business-like manner of a professional matchmaker, ask her what sort of person she\u2019s looking for and what criteria she uses to screen out deadbeats, heartbreakers, and baggage-bearers. Find out how she gathers factual information about a person\u2019s reliability, work, credit card debt, and dumped-girlfriend history so she can head off trouble before she starts to feel attached. Discuss methods for keeping her distance while doing research. <\/p>\n

If she feels unattractive, remind her that making herself more beautiful may get her more candidates, but also requires more careful, tougher screening. Help her list her strengths, which you know well.<\/p>\n

If you respect the privacy of her heart while offering to coach her on a head-hunt, you can talk frankly without making her feel threatened. Then she can benefit from your wisdom while you enjoy the pleasure of being her friend (and avoid the mess of accidentally become a grandma).<\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\n\u201cI hate to see my daughter expose herself to rejection and self-doubt as she looks for love, but I know that criticism of her poor choices will add to her self-blame. She has good values, many strengths, and much to offer. By inviting her to think about search tactics and techniques, rather than about feelings of wanting, needing, and being dumped, I will make my love and experience available to her in a way that she can use.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Giving advice is like taking your pants off in front of someone; there better be some sort of invitation or context, or things are going to get weird. That doesn\u2019t mean giving unsolicited advice isn\u2019t the right thing to do, or that there isn\u2019t a right way to do it; you just have to be […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[85,37,86,41,98,78,29,89,90,91,93,63,33,20,50,80,62,25,27,24,38,60,82],"tags":[13,14,100,34,30,97,3,15,11,96,6,104,108,45,42,95,32,102],"class_list":["post-1546","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-acceptance","category-actual-mental-illness","category-addiction","category-anxiety","category-crazy-people","category-failure","category-fairness","category-ffamily","category-fear","category-guilt","category-improving-others","category-jail","category-just-fcked","category-kidsparenting","category-obsessive-behavior","category-regret","category-rehab","category-relationships","category-sadness","category-sex","category-therapy","category-trauma","category-values","tag-acceptance","tag-addiction","tag-anxiety","tag-crazy-people","tag-divorce","tag-fairness","tag-ffamily","tag-fear","tag-guilt","tag-helping-others","tag-improving-others","tag-just-fcked","tag-loss","tag-mental-illness","tag-parenting","tag-relationships","tag-shit-sandwich","tag-therapy"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1546","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1546"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1546\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1548,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1546\/revisions\/1548"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1546"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1546"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1546"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}