{"id":1487,"date":"2012-10-25T00:01:12","date_gmt":"2012-10-25T04:01:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.fxckfeelings.com\/?p=1487"},"modified":"2012-10-24T23:15:36","modified_gmt":"2012-10-25T03:15:36","slug":"twist-and-doubt","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/2012\/10\/25\/twist-and-doubt\/","title":{"rendered":"Twist and Doubt"},"content":{"rendered":"

Sometimes it\u2019s healthier to be plagued by self-doubt than blessed by a sense of righteous self-certainty. Sure, self-doubt hurts, but it never has to stop you from making good decisions, just from feeling good about them. And while self-certainty is an amazingly good local anesthetic for self-doubt, it can also make you impervious to criticism or the input you need to make good moral choices. Take comfort then if you tend to question your decisions, because it\u2019s better to feel doubt and think twice than to be too confident to think at all.
\n–Dr. Lastname<\/a><\/p>\n

I can\u2019t make a decision without second-guessing myself a hundred times. Like, I recently decided to finally buy a classic car, which was being offered at a reasonable price (I\u2019m a fan of the manufacturer, did my research, and have generally been planning this for a long time). When I found that someone else had offered the asking price, I put in a bid that was a good deal higher, and got it. Now I think the higher purchase price was justified, but I could have taken my time and tried to negotiate a lower price, and then I would have been more satisfied. I can\u2019t stop thinking of what might have happened. I just wish I was more decisive and sure of myself. <\/p><\/blockquote>\n

There\u2019s not much point in second-guessing your second-guessing tendencies unless you want to punish yourself for having a second-guessing-style mind, and that would be cruel (and confusing, since you\u2019re fourth-guessing yourself at this point). <\/p>\n

You may not like second-guessers, but here\u2019s one truth you need to accept at face value; since you happen to be a chronic self-doubter, you\u2019d better learn to be nice to them, because that\u2019s what you have to live with. <\/p>\n

If second-guessing were interfering with your ability to take reasonable risks as you go ahead with your life, work, and relationships, then you\u2019d have a problem, but from what you\u2019re telling me, that\u2019s not actually the case. You followed a good process in making your car purchasing decision, and while you can\u2019t guarantee it will turn out well\u2014no one controls the results of even their best decision\u2014you researched the classic car market and knew that you did not radically overpay. Second-guessing might be torturing you, but it didn\u2019t stop you from taking reasonable action or hold you back from doing something that meant a lot to you. <\/p>\n

So don\u2019t ask yourself (or me, or your poor spouse) why you\u2019re a second-guesser because that\u2019s just another way of trying to expunge something from your personality that you don\u2019t like while giving yourself a task you can\u2019t possibly accomplish. Even if you find out why you second-guess\u2014you\u2019re scarred after choosing a bad haircut that humiliated you in high school, or the wrong finger-paint in kindergarten, or the wrong sperm to inseminate your egg-self, whatever\u2014it\u2019s a waste of time since it\u2019s not going to change who you are now. <\/p>\n

Instead, take pride in the way you make reasonable decisions in spite of the pain that second-guessing causes you. You\u2019ve got the second-guessing under control, and it\u2019s not your biggest problem, so instead, aim your sights on your bigger issue, which is overcoming your intolerance of second-guessing.<\/p>\n

You\u2019ve got good decision-making methods, and when the second-guessing starts, remind yourself that you followed good procedures, your decision made sense, and you\u2019re proud you made it regardless of how things turn out. <\/p>\n

You can\u2019t control the outcome of your choices after they\u2019re made, but if you keep making them the right way, one guess is all you\u2019ll need.<\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\n\u201cI hate being a self-doubter, but it doesn\u2019t stop me for a moment. I\u2019m obviously able to tolerate the pain and make good decisions. So, really, self-doubt does not control me and I need not fear it.\u201d<\/p>\n

My father always expected me to join the family business, and now that I’ve gotten my MBA and become a partner, it seems like he wishes I wasn’t there; he likes to make all the important decisions himself and ignores my advice when I come to him with problems. His employees tell me their problems because he doesn\u2019t listen, but then I can\u2019t get him to listen to me, either. If I complain, he tells me he built this business and he knows what he\u2019s doing. If I suggest an improvement, he cuts the conversation short. My goal is to get through to him without making him feel criticized.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Before going into business with anyone, let alone your father, figure out what you hope to get out of it; I\u2019m hoping you didn\u2019t go into business with your father to make him happy, get close to him, or duck guilty feelings of responsibility (because you don’t need an MBA to do that, or even common sense). More likely, you wanted to make money and thought he\u2019d be a good guy to work with. <\/p>\n

Ask yourself whether you have a better way of making a living, in terms of making the money you need, doing work you\u2019re good at, and working with people you like. Do the market research, assess your needs, create a Powerpoint if necessary. Your father\u2019s ineffective leadership, while annoying, is at least bad enough to relieve you of any guilt you might feel for wanting to leave. Add all that up and rate your job accordingly.<\/p>\n

Now that you\u2019ve compiled a list of pros and cons, address your feelings. You have a right to feel that your father has unfairly broken his promise, but he clearly doesn\u2019t feel that way and will give you a hard time if you say otherwise. You\u2019d like to protect the business and its workers and should ask yourself if\/when you\u2019ll have the power to do things your way, but for now, you don\u2019t have the power, and trying will start a fight you can\u2019t win, so aggravation is futile. Those angry feelings, now duly addressed, can be put away. There\u2019s nothing good you can do with them that involves sharing them with your father or stewing on them any longer.<\/p>\n

If you decide it\u2019s a wise and necessary choice to stay in his business, make the best of it by avoiding unwinnable battles and responsibility for problems you can\u2019t influence. Write a job description that keeps you useful, busy, and as far away from your father as possible, then do it and collect your paycheck, at least until something better comes along.<\/p>\n

Above all, take pride in what you do. You have a right to feel disappointed and humiliated but, as long as you\u2019re doing your best to make a living, bear these difficult feelings proudly. You didn\u2019t go to work to be respected; you work so you can respect yourself and make a respectable living, regardless of where it takes you and what boss, familial or otherwise, you have to work with.<\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\n\u201cI expected much more from my job than it has delivered, but I think about it realistically and I do it if necessary. That\u2019s the judgment I\u2019m boss of, and I have no reason to doubt the value of my decision.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Sometimes it\u2019s healthier to be plagued by self-doubt than blessed by a sense of righteous self-certainty. Sure, self-doubt hurts, but it never has to stop you from making good decisions, just from feeling good about them. And while self-certainty is an amazingly good local anesthetic for self-doubt, it can also make you impervious to criticism […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[85,87,41,29,89,90,54,91,93,33,20,50,80,82,52],"tags":[13,35,97,3,15,111,11,6,104,31,42,32,109],"class_list":["post-1487","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-acceptance","category-angerhatred","category-anxiety","category-fairness","category-ffamily","category-fear","category-finances","category-guilt","category-improving-others","category-just-fcked","category-kidsparenting","category-obsessive-behavior","category-regret","category-values","category-work","tag-acceptance","tag-anger","tag-fairness","tag-ffamily","tag-fear","tag-finances","tag-guilt","tag-improving-others","tag-just-fcked","tag-misery","tag-parenting","tag-shit-sandwich","tag-work"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1487","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1487"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1487\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1490,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1487\/revisions\/1490"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1487"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1487"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1487"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}