{"id":1390,"date":"2012-07-23T00:01:04","date_gmt":"2012-07-23T04:01:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.fxckfeelings.com\/?p=1390"},"modified":"2012-07-22T14:27:34","modified_gmt":"2012-07-22T18:27:34","slug":"superpowerless","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/2012\/07\/23\/superpowerless\/","title":{"rendered":"Superpowerless"},"content":{"rendered":"

There\u2019s nothing better at inducing helplessness than being molested as a child, but it\u2019s easy to forget that helplessness is a feeling, not a measure of strength and character. If you\u2019ve been traumatized in the past, don\u2019t let the helplessness of this or any other overwhelming experience make you feel like an ineffective victim. Instead, learn to respect your existing effectiveness, regardless of how helpless you felt then or still feel now. You may always feel helpless, but your very survival is proof that you\u2019re stronger than your emotions.
\n–Dr. Lastname<\/a><\/p>\n

My life is pretty stable now, but I\u2019ve had a lot of major problems this last year and, in the middle of my troubles, I started to remember being molested by a family friend when I was 14, just after I hit puberty and got breasts overnight. I\u2019ve been struggling to get my daughter help for a major health problem, and then I got fired and had to find a new job, and then my mother started to slip into dementia. Now, I\u2019ve got a new job, my daughter is getting good help, and my father is taking good care of my mother, but I can\u2019t get over a rising feeling of helplessness. If it\u2019s because I was molested, my goal is to get over it.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Before you can even try to recover from the helplessness of current crises, you have to get around the sneaky way it has of making you feel personally ineffective, in part by playing on your memories of the helplessness of being molested. After a while, you can feel like you\u2019re drowning, which is about as helpless as it gets. <\/p>\n

In other words, you want to move forward, but helpless feelings cause helpless beliefs by awakening helpless memories. Your mind gets stuck in the notion that you couldn\u2019t do anything in the past, you\u2019re not able to do anything now, then things will probably get worse, and you\u2019ll be powerless to prevent it. <\/p>\n

Expressing helpless feelings can give you short-term relief while also reinforcing negative beliefs that hurt you in the long run. Coming up with an explanation for your feelings can feel like progress, but insight won\u2019t help if it deepens your belief in your helplessness instead of strengthening your awareness of how you coped with it. If therapy awakens negative feelings without confronting negative beliefs, it does more harm than good.<\/p>\n

Ultimately, the best way to deal with helplessness is to avoid focusing on what went wrong and what you didn\u2019t do and recognizing the positive things you did to survive afterwards. If helplessness is pulling you down, those are the memories you hold on to like a life raft.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t assume that you can ease your helplessness by confronting offenders or telling the parents who should have protected you that they fucked up. Often, perpetrators are truly certain they did nothing wrong (like Sandusky), no matter who tells them otherwise. As for parents, many are too defensive to admit they\u2019re sorry, and others are so sorry they\u2019ll make you feel guilty for bringing it to their attention. The result is more helplessness rather than catharsis.<\/p>\n

Instead of delving into memories of your fears, remember also what you did with fearful situations, and if there was nothing you could do, take pride in enduring. If there was something you could have done better, then learn from that insight and be better prepared for the future. <\/p>\n

The important thing in dealing with past trauma, be it from your childhood or last year, is focusing on the fact that you weren\u2019t, in fact, helpless; you did the right thing when you could, and you\u2019ll choose even wiser solutions going forward. That you acted effectively in spite of your fears is a measure of your real strength that should give you the confidence to keep you from going under.<\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\n\u201cI wish I could get risk of this shaky feeling and the memories it\u2019s awakened but I know that life can be overwhelming and, so far, I\u2019ve risen to the challenge. That\u2019s about the best anyone can do.\u201d<\/p>\n

My son was about to graduate from high school when he told his guidance counselor that his father was molesting him. I believe him, because my husband is an isolated, angry man, but I never suspected what was happening, in part because I work all day while my husband stays home and does very little. What money I\u2019ve made has been committed to the boy\u2019s college fund (he’s my only child), so, while I want to do what\u2019s best for him, if I divorce my husband, kick him out, or file charges, it will take money from the family that may cost my son\u2019s college education. My son and I have talked, and I’m actually angrier than he is\u2014he just wants to get through this summer and move far away. My goal is to help him get over this horrible experience.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

My first impression is that your son shows remarkable strength by being able to reveal the sexual abuse he\u2019s endured from his father while, at the same time, focusing on what he wants to do with his life. Your own response is exceptionally strong; regardless of your needs or anger, you simply want what\u2019s best for him. <\/p>\n

It seems clear that your son\u2019s future safety is not an issue– you and the state authorities legally responsible for evaluating this situation are sure that his father can no longer coerce or threaten him. As such, you\u2019re left wondering what to do to heal the emotional wounds.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, as explained above, justice and punishment are not the cure they\u2019re cracked up to be. Not only are child molesters always able to rationalize their actions to themselves, kids aren\u2019t able to stop loving an abusive father just because he\u2019s evil, and his punishment may add to their trauma. The legal process often creates additional helplessness while satisfying the public\u2019s need to see justice done. <\/p>\n

As in the case above, trying too hard to get rid of your son\u2019s feelings of helplessness can make them worse. Don\u2019t make him talk about the abuse more than he wants to and be careful not to let him dwell on what he could or should have done to stop it. Yes, you\u2019d like him to tell someone what happened, but you want him to focus on how well he coped, not on why he didn\u2019t stop it.<\/p>\n

Of course, you may well find yourself fighting off self-recrimination, and you can find support from a therapist, coach, or friend who can help you focus on the good things you did and not on the horror and misery you failed to prevent. While you\u2019re at it, find someone like that to be your son\u2019s therapist, and use the same approach with him yourself.<\/p>\n

You can\u2019t undo the abuse, but you can help your son manage it and keep going. So far, you\u2019re both off to a good start, and with patience, you can find some peace, as well as some distance from your husband.<\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\n\u201cI can\u2019t avoid feeling that I\u2019ve exposed my son to the worst trauma imaginable by marrying a monster and not noticing what he was doing, but I know I\u2019ve never turned a willful eye away from my son\u2019s distress and I\u2019ve worked hard to give him a start. I\u2019m going to keep on giving him the best parenting I can.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There\u2019s nothing better at inducing helplessness than being molested as a child, but it\u2019s easy to forget that helplessness is a feeling, not a measure of strength and character. If you\u2019ve been traumatized in the past, don\u2019t let the helplessness of this or any other overwhelming experience make you feel like an ineffective victim. Instead, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[49,85,113,103,78,29,89,90,54,64,91,93,33,72,20,46,80,25,27,61,38,60],"tags":[107,13,30,3,15,111,11,6,104,31,42,102,120],"class_list":["post-1390","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-abuse","category-acceptance","category-depression","category-divorce","category-failure","category-fairness","category-ffamily","category-fear","category-finances","category-grief","category-guilt","category-improving-others","category-just-fcked","category-justice","category-kidsparenting","category-marriage","category-regret","category-relationships","category-sadness","category-secrets","category-therapy","category-trauma","tag-abuse","tag-acceptance","tag-divorce","tag-ffamily","tag-fear","tag-finances","tag-guilt","tag-improving-others","tag-just-fcked","tag-misery","tag-parenting","tag-therapy","tag-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1390","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1390"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1390\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1392,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1390\/revisions\/1392"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1390"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1390"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1390"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}