{"id":1380,"date":"2012-07-12T00:01:53","date_gmt":"2012-07-12T04:01:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.fxckfeelings.com\/?p=1380"},"modified":"2012-07-11T17:55:19","modified_gmt":"2012-07-11T21:55:19","slug":"jacked-habits","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/2012\/07\/12\/jacked-habits\/","title":{"rendered":"Jacked Habits"},"content":{"rendered":"

When a bad habit gets between you and something you really want, it\u2019s hard not to expect that good motivation, loads of therapy and deep insight into why you\u2019re fucking up will give you the control you need. Unfortunately, bad habits don\u2019t have easy solutions; they often have a life of their own and, short of administering a good ol\u2019 lobotomy, the power of therapists often falls short. That\u2019s when you need to accept that, for many of us, the best solution for bad habits isn\u2019t a great therapist, but good management.
\n–Dr. Lastname<\/a><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know why I\u2019m always getting in my own way, but I\u2019ve been a fuck-up since I was a kid in foster care (my parents were drug addicts who couldn\u2019t take care of me). I\u2019ve managed to hold the job that I really love, but I almost lost it after 5 happy, productive years because, for a 6 month period, I couldn\u2019t get myself to show up on time. I\u2019d get up on time, but then find some reason to arrive late, and I couldn\u2019t stop myself until I was within an inch of being fired. I got it together to find a therapist, but I can\u2019t get myself to take medication he prescribes, even though I think it could really help me. I also can\u2019t get rid of my drug-addict girlfriend though I and all my friends think she\u2019s a deadbeat user who does nothing for me. My therapist says I have a problem with self-esteem. My goal is to get control of my life.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

It would be nice if the only thing standing between you and keeping your job safe, your home ex-girlfriend-free, and your sanity was depression, fatigue, or low self-esteem, but your problem is probably worse than that. It\u2019s not a matter of what you have; it\u2019s more who you are.<\/p>\n

So if you think that a supportive therapist or a pick-me-up drug will do the job, you\u2019re wasting your time and heading for more self-disappointment. You did a great job of diagnosing yourself from the get-go\u2014you\u2019re a fuck-up\u2014and, while you\u2019re not hopeless, you\u2019re not going to get the help you need that easily. <\/p>\n

Like Asshole \u2122, fuck-up is a diagnostic term; it means you\u2019ve got a willful, needy, evil demon inside your personality, or, to put it more plainly, you\u2019re possessed in a way that makes you decision-impaired. Having a traumatic background will do that to a guy. <\/p>\n

You had to keep a lot of fear and pain walled off when you were a kid in order to survive, and, by the time you\u2019re an adult, those emotions have a life, almost a personality, of their own. You probably needed the fuck-up demon\/trait in order to get by, and while it was useful back then, it comes with a price.<\/p>\n

So when you get the urge to stay away from work, it\u2019s hard to control. If your boss gives you grief at work, the urge gets stronger because the demon wants to tell him to go fuck himself. It\u2019s not until you were really cornered that you could find the strength to push yourself to work on time, and it was a close thing. <\/p>\n

Given that the problem is in your personality and hard to control, it\u2019s remarkable that you\u2019ve done so well. You care about your work, you\u2019ve worked hard for many years, and you have clear goals. Despite the fact that your inner demon is pretty tough and hard to control, you\u2019ve done an amazing job. Getting stronger is possible\u2014it will just take patience and positive thinking. <\/p>\n

First, as they say in Alcoholics (and Demons) Anonymous, you have to admit and be unashamed of your helplessness and lack of control. Then, lower your expectations and learn from experience. You were able to control your demon when the people around you created simple, tough choices; over time, try to create similar limits for yourself, before other people have to do it for you. Instead of tearing yourself down for being self-destructive, build up your reasons for valuing your job and your control over your own life. With time, your love for the positive things in your life can help you control your destructive weaknesses.<\/p>\n

Be open about your problem. You\u2019ll find there are more fuck-ups than you think (see below), and they aren\u2019t all kids of drug addicts, nor are they all doomed. You\u2019ve already accomplished a lot, so don’t think being fuck-up has to hold you down. <\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\n\u201cI feel like I\u2019m my own worst enemy, but I know I\u2019ve got good reason to have a complicated personality and I\u2019ve done a good job to keep most of the negative impulses in check. I\u2019ll keep working at my self-control and respect myself for the effort, regardless of whether my dark side sometimes gets the better of me.\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve got a good life and enjoy a demanding job as an executive, so I don\u2019t understand why I sometimes slip up and stop taking my medications for depression for several weeks at a time. I\u2019ve taken the medication for years because I believe it\u2019s good for me and I clearly get irritable, tearful and less functional when I stop. No matter how often I prove this to myself, however, I still stop taking it, even though it\u2019s a first-thing-in-the-morning medication that, theoretically, is easy to take. My goal is to figure out why I do this and stop playing around with my meds.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Even smart people from good homes have powerful bad habits that are hard to get rid of. As in the case above, we\u2019d like to explain these bad habits in simple terms that would make them easier to understand and change. The trouble is, these concepts raise expectations for improving your self-control and then often don\u2019t come through, which makes you feel like a loser.<\/p>\n

Give various treatments a try, if you haven\u2019t already. Try talk therapy, hypnosis, anything you have yet to try. If they don\u2019t work, however, don\u2019t think you\u2019re the only one. Certain powerful, self-defeating behaviors are hard to control and people who are good at controlling everything else in their lives tend to be very ashamed of them.<\/p>\n

You might have trouble identifying with the guy above who has a demon who attacks his control over almost every important area of his life. Your small area of dyscontrol may be just as hard to manage, however, and more so because your expectations are higher. You have a touch of the fuck-up for sure, but it\u2019s limited to this one area. That makes you both lucky and screwed.<\/p>\n

In order to tame your mini-demon, lower your expectations and use your strengths, and use the control you have to fight that part of your personality that defies control. Create a numbered list of morning tasks that must be done before you leave the bathroom, post it right above the sink, and make it your first task to take your meds. If you leave the bathroom without accomplishing every task, go back. Otherwise, give yourself a pre-arranged consequence. You can also put that list on the door to the garage, the steering wheel, various stop signs on the way to work, etc. Each time you continue on without returning to the bathroom to take your meds, give yourself an additional consequence.<\/p>\n

Compared to the case above, your bad habit is relatively simple, and your management skills well-developed. Nevertheless, you need to respect the power of your demon\/degree of fuck-up-itude and put shame aside before you can fight effectively to strengthen your self-control and stick to your meds.<\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\n\u201cIt makes no sense that I can function so well in most areas of my life and have so little control over taking my medications, but it\u2019s a fact, and I have to learn to swallow my pride. If the usual therapies don\u2019t help, I\u2019ll accept the fact that I\u2019ve got a dangerous, out-of-control bad habit and use every management technique I can find to get the upper hand.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When a bad habit gets between you and something you really want, it\u2019s hard not to expect that good motivation, loads of therapy and deep insight into why you\u2019re fucking up will give you the control you need. Unfortunately, bad habits don\u2019t have easy solutions; they often have a life of their own and, short […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[85,37,86,113,22,78,29,89,91,33,48,50,80,27,82,52],"tags":[13,44,97,3,15,11,104,106,45,102,120],"class_list":["post-1380","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-acceptance","category-actual-mental-illness","category-addiction","category-depression","category-drugs","category-failure","category-fairness","category-ffamily","category-guilt","category-just-fcked","category-medication","category-obsessive-behavior","category-regret","category-sadness","category-values","category-work","tag-acceptance","tag-depression","tag-fairness","tag-ffamily","tag-fear","tag-guilt","tag-just-fcked","tag-medication","tag-mental-illness","tag-therapy","tag-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1380","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1380"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1380\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1382,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1380\/revisions\/1382"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1380"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1380"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1380"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}