{"id":1231,"date":"2012-01-26T00:01:51","date_gmt":"2012-01-26T05:01:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.fxckfeelings.com\/?p=1231"},"modified":"2012-01-25T21:34:51","modified_gmt":"2012-01-26T02:34:51","slug":"vile-separation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/2012\/01\/26\/vile-separation\/","title":{"rendered":"Vile Separation"},"content":{"rendered":"

When it comes to marital autopsies, people look for bad decisions and bad behavior the way detectives look for foul play. Unfortunately for anyone hoping for a simple CSI: Divorce<\/em>, the chief culprits for most marital rifts are personality factors that no one controls, like having an irritable temperament or a terrible interpersonal chemistry when things get tough. We can judge ourselves on how we manage these unfortunate traits, but not on whether or not we have them. So, after rendering your own judgment and making amends if necessary, waste no more time on apology or blame. After all, it\u2019s not a crime scene, just a marriage.
\n–Dr. Lastname<\/a><\/p>\n

My ex-wife became the victim from hell after our divorce, which she and the kids blamed on my messing around with another woman. The truth is, I\u2019d been eager to get divorced for the past 10 years, particularly because my ex was so good at messing up and then acting like a victim. I didn\u2019t have that or any affair until I had almost put the divorce in motion and the youngest was about ready for college, and my not-mistress has subsequently become my wife. I felt guilty, however, and the kids see me as guilty, so they punish me with silence, or worse, extend an invitation to have a talk so they can hit me with a blast of endless recrimination before returning to silence again. Needless to say, explaining doesn\u2019t help\u2014their anger is endless\u2014so when they call me up, I wonder what to say. My goal is to help them with their pain and restore a normal relationship.\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Most good people feel guilty about leaving a marriage, whether or not they\u2019ve done anything wrong. Guilt the emotion, as opposed to guilt the legal state, is never necessarily caused by bad behavior. <\/p>\n

You feel guilty because those you love are hurt and disappointed, and happen to blame you. Given the fact that one of the most important reasons that people marry\u2014perhaps the most important\u2014is to have someone to blame, guilt is an unavoidable part of both marriage and divorce that should never, ever be considered proof of criminality. <\/p>\n

As natural as your guilt is, it\u2019s dangerous to let it guide you when you\u2019re managing seriously angry kids (or adults, especially when they\u2019re acting like kids). It\u2019s like showing fear to a tiger, or blood to a vampire, or low-hanging comedic fruit to Ricky Gervais. They\u2019ll just keep coming. <\/p>\n

Your first job is not to respond to the kids before you\u2019ve decided for yourself whether you\u2019re guilty, and what for. Begin by listing your standards, which should probably include trying hard to make marriage work, giving priority to the needs of the kids, and behaving well in a difficult situation. <\/p>\n

They should probably not include being happy or keeping your family happy, because life is often unavoidably unhappy, and looking for marriage to make you happy, though nice when it does happen, is ridiculous. <\/p>\n

The question is how dysfunctional your wife\u2019s behavior was and how badly it affected your partnership, as well as your mood and behavior. My guess, from what you say, is that you tried hard, put great importance on raising the kids, but found yourself hating your marriage. If you believe that\u2019s reasonable grounds for divorce (if you were judging a friend), then it\u2019s time to stop apologizing. If not, then figure out what you did wrong (excluding everything that you didn\u2019t control), apologize, and then don\u2019t apologize anymore. <\/p>\n

Once you\u2019ve prepared your statement (see sample below), you\u2019re ready to draw the line on receiving punishment you don\u2019t deserve. You and the kids deserve a better relationship, and from your point of view, their anger is the main obstacle. You hope they can stop it, and the first step is allowing yourself to stop feeling perpetually guilty for doing what you believe was necessary.<\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\n\u201cI feel like I failed my first marriage since I\u2019m the one who was unhappy and broke it up, and my kids blame me. After thinking it through, I see my responsibility as limited. If this response doesn\u2019t satisfy the kids, I\u2019m sorry, but I\u2019ve heard their views and accepted their feelings and it\u2019s no good for negative conversations to continue indefinitely. I love them and believe we can have a positive relationship, if and when they\u2019re ready.\u201d<\/p>\n

The main thing wrong with my marriage is that we lost the incredible love and closeness we had for the first few years, and a major reason is that my husband keeps his distance. No, I don\u2019t think he\u2019s having affairs, and we still get along very well as partners and parents, but he says he just hasn\u2019t felt comfortable with me since I went through a depressed, nasty period, so he avoids kissing and sex. I\u2019ve told him I can\u2019t go on like this, but I\u2019m not going to beg for sex if he\u2019s not going to give it to me. I don\u2019t mention it most of the time, but it hurts. My goal is to figure out how to get the old love back or decide whether the current situation is good enough for me to want to stay married.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The trouble with mixing sex and love in a marriage is that sexual withholding feels like a loss of love, and a loss of love causes deep pain, which causes sexual withholding, and around it goes, flushed down the marital toilet. <\/p>\n

If you think sex might bridge the gulf between you, then don\u2019t request it as evidence of his love, or as satisfaction of your needs. To do so is to make the issue more wrought, personal and emotionally explosive. Of course you have those feelings, but expressing them won\u2019t clear them up\u2014it will make them worse.<\/p>\n

Instead, propose sex as an activity that might reduce the distance between you by having a positive effect on your emotions. Now that your nasty period is over, you\u2019re confident it will be a good experience, and, if repeated, it might build trust, as well as reducing an issue between you. As long as you don\u2019t emotionalize sex in terms of love and intimacy, you reduce the risk of failure. Market it as nerve tonic, not as proof of his dedication or your personal worth.<\/p>\n

If he doesn\u2019t respond, then you know you haven\u2019t scared him away; he\u2019s simply stuck. You haven\u2019t let your hurt feelings make you passive; you\u2019ve done what you can, and your actions haven\u2019t added to your pain by expressing it. <\/p>\n

I assume you\u2019ve apologized for the past (see above) to the extent that you could have controlled your nasty behavior, so it\u2019s time to stop apologizing. Propose a better way forward and see if your husband can join you. Having sex, if he can do it, is a way of putting negative feelings to one side. The love issue will have to wait.<\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\n\u201cThe lack of a sex life leaves me feeling guilty, sad, and punished, as well as horny and needy, but I know I\u2019ve been a good partner for a long time and don\u2019t deserve punishment. I believe it would help my husband, and our relationship, if he could put a lid on his anxieties and just do it. It\u2019s his job to try. What he does with it will tell me whether he can.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When it comes to marital autopsies, people look for bad decisions and bad behavior the way detectives look for foul play. Unfortunately for anyone hoping for a simple CSI: Divorce, the chief culprits for most marital rifts are personality factors that no one controls, like having an irritable temperament or a terrible interpersonal chemistry when […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[85,87,103,78,29,89,91,33,20,51,46,25,17],"tags":[13,35,30,97,3,11,104,105,42,95],"class_list":["post-1231","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-acceptance","category-angerhatred","category-divorce","category-failure","category-fairness","category-ffamily","category-guilt","category-just-fcked","category-kidsparenting","category-loss","category-marriage","category-relationships","category-sex-relationships","tag-acceptance","tag-anger","tag-divorce","tag-fairness","tag-ffamily","tag-guilt","tag-just-fcked","tag-marriage","tag-parenting","tag-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1231","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1231"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1231\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1233,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1231\/revisions\/1233"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1231"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1231"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1231"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}