{"id":1068,"date":"2011-08-04T00:01:44","date_gmt":"2011-08-04T04:01:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.fxckfeelings.com\/?p=1068"},"modified":"2011-08-03T22:19:59","modified_gmt":"2011-08-04T02:19:59","slug":"your-inner-outcast","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/2011\/08\/04\/your-inner-outcast\/","title":{"rendered":"Your Inner Outcast"},"content":{"rendered":"

On the road of life (which we\u2019re assuming exists outside of car commercials), sometimes other people, not just strange places, can make you feel like a stranger. In either case, the feeling is painful, not easy to change, and a great source of my revenue. If you know you\u2019ve done your best along the way, however, whether you feel you belong or not, you can stay on course since you\u2019re not a stranger to yourself.
\n–Dr. Lastname<\/a><\/p>\n

I\u2019m a quality inspector and recently had cause to turn in a worker after I caught him fudging his work in a way that made the workplace unsafe (I made a copy of his logbook before he could fake his report). Well, since then I\u2019ve been getting the cold shoulder from his supervisor, who says I was mean to get him fired and trying to suck up to my boss, but the truth is, I think our quality has been slipping and this worker was cutting too many corners and needed to be fired (though it wasn\u2019t my decision). It\u2019s painful to be shunned by guys I\u2019ve worked with for years, however, and I wonder, if they understood how upsetting and unfair it was, they might be persuaded to stop.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Despite the value put on employment by the current recession, a job is just a job. It might feel like a family, a career, a definition of your identity, a source for your self-esteem. In truth, it just keeps you in rent and car payments. <\/p>\n

The real meaning of a job, then, is what you give to it. If you do what you think is a good day\u2019s work, that\u2019s where your pride and self-esteem should come from. <\/p>\n

It shouldn\u2019t come from what the boss or your co-workers say, or from any expectation that good work will be recognized or rewarded with approval, a raise, or security. You did the right thing, you\u2019ve got reason to be proud, even if everyone else has a reason to give you shit.<\/p>\n

If you try to change your co-workers\u2019 feelings or explain your own, you\u2019re accepting their definition of the problem and exposing yourself to more pain. Feelings are their idea of what\u2019s important, particularly sympathy for the guy who got fired and fear for their own jobs. <\/p>\n

Instead of worrying about how they think or what they feel, you\u2019re more concerned about safety and quality and the bad things that will happen to everyone if those values are compromised. You\u2019re right, they\u2019re wrong, and their feelings, as ever, can go fuck themselves.<\/p>\n

Of course it hurts to be shunned by people you\u2019ve known a long time. Let them know, however, that you believe in the importance of doing a good, safe job and there\u2019s no way of doing that job if you don\u2019t face problems and fuck-ups when they occur. They\u2019re free to think you were petty and mean; you think that, if their practices don\u2019t change, everyone will be in trouble.<\/p>\n

If they don\u2019t respond positively and you see no sign of a change for the better, look for another job while respecting yourself for tolerating the pain of this one. You can\u2019t change the economy, a bad boss, or corporate culture, but it takes a strong person to do a good job when the job sucks. At least it\u2019s only a job.<\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\n\u201cI value positive relationships at work but I believe that we can\u2019t do good work unless we recognize bad work and do what\u2019s necessary to improve it. I know when improvement is necessary, even if it causes pain and some of that pain is mine, and I\u2019m proud to make it happen.\u201d<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know why I have the feeling I\u2019m living a life meant for someone else. I love my wife, but she\u2019s a normal person and totally unlike the people I grew up with, who were loony, unsettled, angry, and totally unreliable. Now we have a healthy baby, and the in-laws are available and supportive, and I feel like a visitor from another universe who has wound up in Ordinaryville. My wife knows how I feel and tells me it will pass, but I hate the feeling and think it\u2019s telling me I\u2019m leading an unreal life.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Sometimes, if you\u2019ve had a troubled childhood, you feel authentic only when you\u2019re dealing with shitheads and creeps that remind you of your dear ones. That\u2019s a natural feeling, but you can never go home again, and maybe you shouldn\u2019t if home was a shithole. <\/p>\n

I assume it took a major effort and decisions based on sad experience for you to date a nice, normal girl, no matter how strange that made you feel. What\u2019s remarkable is not that the relationship feels strange, but that you and she seem to be doing a good job of bridging the gap between your cultures. <\/p>\n

You\u2019ve found a way to let her know about your rocky background and the unexpected, undesirable feelings you contend with, and she accepts how you feel and doesn\u2019t get hurt when she can\u2019t make you happy and comfortable. That\u2019s a big deal; a relationship like that has its own power to create a new world, gradually.<\/p>\n

I also assume that you don\u2019t feel your baby was forced on you or that your response to your in-laws is entirely phony and false. You can be you, it\u2019s just not easy because your new world is unfamiliar and triggers sad comparisons that make you feel like a loser who perversely misses his old loser world filled with his lost loser tribe. <\/p>\n

The good news is that you\u2019re probably on the right track and your new life will eventually come to feel more solid and familiar. After all, it\u2019s also the life you want for yourself and your family. The sad news is that the feeling of unfamiliarity and dislocation will probably not fade quickly and may always linger. <\/p>\n

In effect, you\u2019re an immigrant in a new country with a new language and you immigrated for good reason, but there\u2019s a cost to being an immigrant that you never stop paying.<\/p>\n

My guess is that you\u2019ve done what\u2019s necessary to put bad family relationships behind you and create a better life for you and your children. While the pain of your transition is long and unavoidable, you deserve great respect for what you\u2019ve done; even though you were raised by a pack of losers, your current situation is a huge victory.<\/p>\n

STATEMENT<\/strong>:
\n\u201cI wish my new family relationships could feel easy, spontaneous, and natural and that I didn\u2019t sometimes feel like a stranger in my own life, but I\u2019m proud that they\u2019re genuine and I can rely on them in a way I could never rely on my family as a kid. I may never feel like a natural in my new life, but that\u2019s what makes it more of an achievement.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

On the road of life (which we\u2019re assuming exists outside of car commercials), sometimes other people, not just strange places, can make you feel like a stranger. In either case, the feeling is painful, not easy to change, and a great source of my revenue. If you know you\u2019ve done your best along the way, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[85,87,29,89,91,93,33,20,46,25,82,52],"tags":[13,35,34,97,11,6,105,42,95,109],"class_list":["post-1068","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-acceptance","category-angerhatred","category-fairness","category-ffamily","category-guilt","category-improving-others","category-just-fcked","category-kidsparenting","category-marriage","category-relationships","category-values","category-work","tag-acceptance","tag-anger","tag-crazy-people","tag-fairness","tag-guilt","tag-improving-others","tag-marriage","tag-parenting","tag-relationships","tag-work"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1068","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1068"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1068\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1070,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1068\/revisions\/1070"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1068"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1068"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fxckfeelings.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1068"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}