Posted by fxckfeelings on June 24, 2013
If you have problems being alone, you’re just as screwed as the guy who has problems committing to being with someone else; either way, you’re both in a bad situation, either sticking around with a bad thing or leaving a good thing because fear, not self-respect, is dictating your decisions. If you’re prepared to apply reasonable standards to your relationships, however, and stand by those standards, you can develop confidence in your ability to protect yourself from bad relationships as well as bad fears. You don’t necessarily have to love yourself to love someone else, but you do have to stop screwing yourself out of love altogether.
–Dr. Lastname
I always felt the one thing I needed for happiness was to find a guy who loved me as much as I loved him, but that I’d probably never find him, because relationships with guys either never last or they get one-sided, or both. So when I found someone I loved who really cared about me, I began to feel that I could finally relax and trust someone. The trouble is, I now have a man I love so much but he keeps doubting my love, and he’s controlling about the friends I keep, how I dress, where I go and if I miss a call he calls back to argue with me. What should I do? I am feeling hurt and lost but at the same time I feel I can’t do without him.
No matter what your heart may tell you, the only person you can’t live without is yourself. The only exceptions to this rule are conjoined twins (who might actually share a heart) and dogs who happen to read advice websites.
That’s why it’s foolish to scare yourself then into thinking you’re more dependent or desperate than you really are. You coped with loneliness before, so you can do it again, especially now that you’ve acquired the wisdom that you not only deserve someone who can love you back, you someone who isn’t a suspicious, controlling Asshole™. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 20, 2013
In a just world, correcting injustice would have no unintended consequences, good people would always know how to do the right thing, and I’d be so hard up for patients that I’d have to become a podiatrist. Unfortunately, in this world, there are Assholes™, and the fight for justice isn’t just riddled with them, but may force you to align with one or be mistaken for one in the process. Don’t let them and your passion for justice distract you from checking out the moral pros and cons of what happens next. In seeking justice, you should ideally experience the joy of straightening out the world. More often, you will bear the pain of tolerating unjust crap for the sake of good values, the knowledge that you’re preventing things from getting worse, and that, in doing so, you’ve confirmed your non-Asshole™ status.
–Dr. Lastname
Our church administrator made some dumb decisions that wasted money and favored her friends, and the church would be better off if she were eased out of her job, but there’s one member of our church who is so obnoxious and unreasonable in the way he attacks her mistakes that I don’t want to have anything to do with him. He has brought a lawsuit against the church that could hurt all of us and sees any offer of compromise as an effort to deceive him. I think he’s paranoid, but meanwhile I’m paralyzed because, even if I agree with his basic point, I don’t know how to move ahead without encouraging him and joining with a person I despise. My goal is save our church from bad management without having to encourage, or be seen as encouraging, an obnoxious, crazy jerk.
The enemy of your enemy may be your friend, but the enemy of the entire world is still a toxic Asshole™ you naturally want to avoid at all costs, even if you share a common goal.
Since your goal seems unselfish and idealistic, it’s especially painful to have it hijacked by the one person who can drive everyone else away. The more personal his attacks, the more support he’ll create for the administrator who needs to be fired. Even if you’re on the right side of things, the Asshole™ being on that side makes it wrong.
Ignoring how annoyed you are with both the Asshole™ and the accused administrator, add up the benefits and risks of firing her. Unless her actions make it unavoidable, you don’t want to stir up a fight in the congregation. Some people might say that church should be a place of greater purity and moral rectitude and its employees held to a higher standard, but that notion starts religious wars (and contradicts the actions of the Vatican). Yes, there are some crimes that are intolerable, but in most cases you’re more interested in pursuing acceptance and mutual respect, even if that means accepting some impropriety and administrative inefficiency.
If you decide that action is necessary, remember that backroom politics were invented to help people get things done when a horribly obnoxious loudmouth makes it impossible to have a meaningful public discussion. We now understand that many such people can’t help themselves; they have strong opinions about how other people should behave and no awareness of their motivations or reactions, particularly to their own demeaning statements.
You may have to put lots of work into circulating your opinion outside a general meeting, gathering a majority, and agreeing on a course of action, but it beats the alternative. Consider it to be both a test of your resolve and an Asshole™ shield. Having avoided taking part in a public, personal attack, do what you can to cushion the blow of her firing and avoid humiliating her or her supporters by paying respect to her contributions and showing no personal dislike, regardless of your deeper feelings.
Unlike your would-be ally, you aren’t trying to root out evil and punish corruption, just to clean up an unfortunate mess while showing respect for those who disagree with you and preserving a community of relationships that are more important than any one political issue.
With some careful maneuvering, you can be on the same side of the Asshole™ without getting shit on in the process.
STATEMENT:
“I’m annoyed by the mistakes of my church administrator and infuriated by the tone of the attacks that have been made on her. I will do nothing about this problem, however, unless I think it’s necessary, and then do all I can, behind the scenes, to avoid public humiliation and build a consensus that does not insult those who disagree with it.”
I know I did the right thing when I filed a job discrimination suit against my boss, who’s notorious for making sexist put-downs and treating women as if we’re sluts and objects, but since I did it, everyone at work has become strangely silent. I know other women there who share my disgust for him, but management has been ordered by company lawyers to treat me very, very carefully and no one at work wants to be seen as siding with me or they’ll become pariahs too. Everyone is nice but distant and their polite distance is making me feel totally isolated. I can’t quit without jeopardizing my suit, but staying has got me really depressed. My goal is to stand up against something I know is wrong without driving myself crazy.
I hope your lawyer warned you that, though your anti-discrimination lawsuit might eventually bring you a dose of deserved justice, it would almost certainly first bring you an added dollop of unjust pain. That’s the way things work when you’re not on TV and don’t get instant access to justice, or even Judge Judy.
The better your case, the quicker the company lawyers will order your bosses to clean up their act and create tons of written evidence showing that they’re polite, professional, and caring while they watch for a legitimate reason to put you on probation and, after sincere attempts to improve your performance, regretfully terminate your ass. That’s standard operating procedures and it sucks for everyone, particularly you.
If your job was becoming unbearable, your suit may nevertheless be worth it. Feeling angry and humiliated may not, on its own, be worth suing for, but a suit may well be worthwhile if you can’t stand working there anymore, know you have a good case, and are ready to leave. Even then, once you sue you many need to persuade future employers that you don’t have a chip on your shoulder about administration. If your boss is a true pig, however, then it’s probably less of a chip and more of a cross that you’d bear with pride.
Now that the lawsuit is underway, the important thing to remind yourself is that nothing about work relationships is personal, even though it feels that way, and that you need as much support as possible outside of work because personal relationships at work will be a desert.
Also, you need an exit strategy; lawsuits destroy relationships and make it almost impossible to work together, so don’t force yourself to stay at work to prove to colleagues that you’re right and that they can’t get to you. Work is about making a living without going crazy, not making a point about pride.
So collect your strength, write off your old job, and focus on your next move. As long as you’re there, do a decent day’s work so that you’ll know you don’t deserve the criticism you will probably get, but don’t let making a decent effort get in the way of your job search.
Unjust criticism shouldn’t change your opinion about the value of your work, your lack of respect for your boss, or your determination to look for something better. It should instead strengthen your resolve until justice, or better, Judge Judy, finally arrives.
STATEMENT:
“The first victim of my lawsuit, in terms of feeling punished, is me, but I expected that to happen. I won’t let shunning or unjust criticism change my values, my willingness to work hard, or my effort to find a square deal at my next place of employment.”
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 6, 2013
When it comes to drinking, or really any addiction, it’s hard to stop without a “good reason,” especially if you think there’s a better reason not to quit. Then there’s the expectation that, if you really need to stop, the good reason fairy will visit you in the middle of the night to let you know (usually while you’re sleeping in a stranger’s bed, in a dark alley, or a puddle of puke). In reality, it’s up to the drinker to decide if s/he has to stop, and rational thinking about drinking doesn’t require a degree in addictionology. All you need is discipline to gather facts, courage to look at them, and determination to use good reasoning to do what you think is best for yourself.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve lived alone since my daughter left for college (my wife died years before) and I wonder if I’m drinking too much. I’m good enough at my job, but the head of our office doesn’t respect me and I wonder if I’ll have to move on. I’ve always had a tendency to get depressed and I see a therapist, but my antidepressant medication doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t sleep well. I’m not sure drinking is doing any harm and it certainly eases the pain, but I do get completely drunk every night, and it’s become the highlight of my day. I’ve got no friends currently, but I’ve never been a sociable guy so it doesn’t interfere with my social life, and since I’m alone, I get no complaints from friends or family. No harm done. I’m healthy and my hangover isn’t bad, so I wonder whether my drinking is worth worrying about, or whether I should just focus on getting help for my depression.
To paraphrase the old koan, if a person falls into excessive drinking without anyone around to become concerned, does it make that person a drunk? Nobody can ask the tree if it thinks it made a sound, but since you’re a person, you’re not just able, but the only one qualified, to answer the question.
You might be persuaded that you’re drinking too much if a therapist suggested you were using it to escape painful feelings, or if a spouse complained, but then later on you might decide that there’s nothing wrong with escaping when life sucks and your spouse has no right to complain because her nagging drives you to it. Outside opinion is as easy to ignore as the sound of one hand clapping. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 3, 2013
No one controls the nature of their sexual needs, including their strength, timing, and target, but we all have reason to control what we do with them. That’s why “I couldn’t help it” is never a convincing alibi, for either sexual indiscretion or disinterest, because even the most impulsive and passive people can manage their impulses with enough effort. Sooner or later, the difference between getting sexual satisfaction and being a good partner creates a conflict that tests your ability to remember and act on your values, regardless of where your needs want to take you. That’s when you need to find the strength to “help it,” whether it is your needs, your relationship, and/or yourself.
–Dr. Lastname
The last thing I want to do is hurt my wife, but I’ve always had a taste for sex with prostitutes, even though it costs more money than I can afford, and getting married two years ago didn’t made a difference to my bad habits. My wife works hard and we pool our incomes, so she hasn’t noticed that we have less money than might be expected from the salary I make. I hate myself when I do it, and I don’t much enjoy it, so I can’t figure out why I haven’t been able to stop. I guess I’m an impulsive person, because there are corners I cut at work that might get me fired and I haven’t been able to stop that either. I must have a deep desire to get myself into trouble. My goal is to figure out what’s wrong with me and be more normal.
The biggest reason not to waste your time trying to figure out why you can’t stop spending money you don’t have on prostitutes is that you’ve already got your answer; you’re an impulsive guy, always have been, even when it fucked up your self-interest and ran against your moral values. You’re like Columbo, knowing who the perp is all along (but that makes you the guilty party, as well).
Being called impulsive isn’t meant as criticism, just a description of a big problem that usually remains a mystery when anyone tries to explain it, or understand why one person has it and another doesn’t. The question isn’t why–the answer to that is the same as to the answer to “why are whores so pricey?,” because life’s unfair–but what to do about it. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 30, 2013
While we all work for a boss in one way or another, it’s safer to do so strictly for the paycheck, instead of the emotional reward of approval. Otherwise, caring too much about whether the boss appreciates your performance can ruin your job satisfaction, even when you know you’ve done it well, or spark you into self-destructive rebellion. So the best thing to do is not work too hard for the boss, the Man, or the Woman; it’s to become your own judge of what constitutes a good day’s work and a reasonable worker’s boss, judge yourself accordingly, and keep getting paid.
–Dr. Lastname
I loved my job at the nursing home for the first 20 years or so, and we were a great team, but the last ten years have been much harder, mainly because we had to move further away because of my wife’s work and I’ve had a tough 90 minute commute each way ever since. I worked extra hard, stayed late, and continued to do the job pretty well, but between being tired and older, I stopped enjoying it and I think my boss was less happy with me. I needed the work, however, so I soldiered along and never got a bad performance review, though it was hard feeling my boss and I were no longer as friendly as we used to be. Six months ago I decided it was time to retire—the kids have graduated college and the pension isn’t bad—so I announced it to my boss, and since then it’s gotten more painful. He didn’t hide his relief and immediately hired my replacement, whom I’m supposed to train. My goal is to get over feeling like I’ve failed at the job that I gave most of my life to, since they’re really glad to see me go.
No one who labors for ten years at a job requiring a three-hour daily commute in order to support his family and secure a pension should ever consider himself a failure, let alone give a shit what anyone else thinks, especially on your way out.
If your boss is eager to see you go, then that’s his problem; you gave him many years of good work and dedicated service, and countless hours suffering through gridlock and morning zoo radio shows. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 20, 2013
It’s appropriate that singer Mary J. Blige had a hit singing, “I just wanna be happy” since her best songs were about being miserable. Everybody thinks they want happiness, but like wealth, fame, and everything else on Blige’s own episode of Behind the Music, happiness is too erratic and temporary to set your hopes on, and concerning oneself too much with it is a good way to get a headache and feel like a loser. Instead, think hard about the values that give you direction, whether you’re happy or not. If they’re good values, they’ll always take you in the right direction and will give you strength, regardless of whether you have another hit.
–Dr. Lastname
I fell in love with the wonderful work I was doing in South Africa, but in the two years since I returned to the States, I still struggle with connecting and finding friendships or a relationship with meaning. In South Africa, I worked with an organization that rehabilitated inner-city gang kids to get them back in the public school system. The experience was life changing. I fell in love with the children I worked with, the mentality of the locals, the culture, and the relationships I built with like-minded volunteers. Unfortunately, since I’ve been back, my connections with my friends were no longer the same because they could not relate to the life and experiences I lived abroad. I’m in my mid-20s, and my life is good in many ways, but most of my friends are getting married, having children, or going to graduate school now, and I am at a stand still…stuck in time with memories I wish I was still living. I want to be able to relate and understand the people in my life. I want to feel fulfilled and in love with my surrounding and the life I’m living again.
The trouble with wonderful, life-transforming jobs is that they don’t actually transform your life, just your expectations. The stars align for a brief period of self-discovery and fulfillment, but then the earth keeps rotating, and the stars shift away again.
Even though good times like that inherently can’t last, they still leave you feeling that, if you were able to find it once, you should be able to find it again. Unfortunately, good luck, like bad luck and the earth on its axis, moves on, whether you like it or not, sometimes leaving you not just with a sense of loss, but also of having missed the boat. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 16, 2013
Criticism, like network sitcoms, gas station food, and internet trolls, requires careful consideration before you decide whether it’s worth taking to heart/anymore of your time. Unfortunately, many people in relationships immediately take and react to their partner’s criticism, even when it’s wrong, either because they’re so used to being in the wrong and feeling guilty, or because they have such a strong need for unconditional (or just fairly conditional) approval that they can’t stand not getting it. In any case, before you react to your spouse’s disapproval, consult your own standards of behavior and respect yourself if you know you’re living up to them, outsourcing the need for praise to friends or hairdressers if approval is really that important. As long as you respect your own good judgment, you’ll have no problem managing judgments you don’t agree with, and won’t have to waste your time feeling annoyed, sick or guilty over bad TV, bad sushi, or bad criticism again.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t stand my husband’s criticism but the fact is, I’ve deserved it, because I’ve been a lush for twenty years and not much use after 9 PM. I’ve always worked hard and the kids think I was a pretty good parent before 9. Still, I feel I’ve been a failure as a wife, even though I think one reason I drank so much is because my husband’s overbearing criticism really got on my nerves, and booze was the easiest way to cope. Anyway, now that the kids are grown and I’ve had more than a couple medical problems, I got myself sober, but the marriage is really no better. My husband tells me in couples therapy that our family would be a lot more secure financially if I hadn’t been a drinker (which is really bullshit) and that I still haven’t really acknowledged what a big burden I put on him (I’ve said I’m sorry, but it’s never enough). Meanwhile, he blames me for ruining his life and burning the steak. I’m so angry I’m not sure I want to stay with him, but it’s hard to have any conversation that doesn’t turn on his right to be angry at me, which I think, given my history, he has. My goal is to figure out whether I want to stay with him for the next part of my life.
One of the unfortunate things that happen when you’re ashamed of bad behavior in a close relationship is that you lose the ability to stand up for yourself, even when your behavior is actually OK. You might always be an alcoholic, but you’re not always going to be at fault for everything in your husband’s life that goes wrong.
Escaping into drinking, affairs, or any major kind of avoidance may give you temporary relief from an unhappy relationship, but it also secures your right to feel even more totally responsible for that unhappiness than you did in the first place. You’re essentially breaking out of one prison and into another, even shittier one. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 6, 2013
Your heart is like your best friend in junior high; if it tells you you’re doing the right thing, it could easily be a lie told in a storm of hormones, emotions, and/or stupidity. When you’re angry or hurt, negative feelings are obviously not a reliable guide to doing what’s right, but a desire to care for the needy and helpless can be just as unreliable. In figuring out the best choice, don’t make a big deal out of hate or love, because doing what’s makes you feel like a good person and actually being a good person aren’t necessarily the same thing. Instead, remember your promises, the good you’re trying to do in this world, and all possible realistic outcomes. You may wind up with a lot of frustrated feelings, but if they accompany a bunch of smart actions, you know both your heart and mind were in the right place.
–Dr. Lastname
I am looking for advice in how to deal with my aunt. Some background: she’s my father’s only sibling and, when I was growing up, we were extremely close. As I got older, I noticed that she was very self-centered, racist, classist, politically conservative, and very immature, which lead to some very upsetting arguments and tiffs (she didn’t respond well to having her authority questioned and I was supremely uncomfortable with having my friends and viewpoints criticized constantly). Over the next few years we had several blowouts, and she promised again and again that she would change—no more lying, no more manipulations, no more treating my father and other family members badly, no more running her mouth ignorantly and offensively. Then, about four years ago, we both accused the other of undermining each other at work (we worked for the same company), she was remarkably offensive to her brother (my father), and we stopped talking (she refused to speak to me, and I thought it was the best idea she had in years). Now she’s sick and my father is pressuring me to make nice to her, at least at family get-togethers. Is this worth sacrificing my hard-won sanity for? I know I would be upset if she died, but I can’t say I miss her at all from my daily life. I get the feeling that my family (especially my grandmother/her mother) would judge me for it, as if I’m deliberately being hurtful to her without cause. I’m so very tired of “being the bigger person” between the two of us, having to set my feelings and concerns aside for “the greater good of the family” and her wellbeing, without a thought for mine. My goal is to figure out how to navigate my family while staying sane.
The idea of flashing a friendly smile at your nasty, bigoted aunt at a family party and sharing a few words of small talk might make you crazy, but it won’t drive you insane. At the risk of sounding crass, you might be tired of being “the bigger person,” but since she’s about to stop being an “alive person,” it’s a finite sacrifice.
Don’t make just nice because it’s temporary, however, or because you want to please your father and grandmother; you’re old enough to make your own moral decisions and act on them, and the key to a good moral decision is not reacting to how you feel, but to what you value. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 8, 2013
Sometimes goals that appear meaningful, like speaking your mind, getting closure, or getting an art degree, are excuses for pursuing feel-good results we damn well know will turn out badly. If you put aside your yearning for a better world while examining the probable results of your actions, however, you’re much more likely to do actual good, even when it doesn’t feel so hot, rather than let good intentions draw you into making the same old mistakes. No matter how right it feels to try, getting the last word, closure, and/or a BFA just aren’t worth it.
–Dr. Lastname
It really isn’t my ex-girlfriend’s fault that I got paranoid and couldn’t work for two months—she didn’t make me start using meth with her (she’s was a heavy user when we met). I used because I wanted to, not just because I loved her and the chemistry between us was amazing. Eventually, though, the meth made me unbelievably paranoid (I’d never been into drugs before) and I thought she was putting the smell of cat piss in my apartment. I also couldn’t sleep, think straight, or pay attention to anything for more than two seconds, so it wasn’t long before my boss told me to get help or else. Months of treatment have almost put my brain back where it was before and I’m almost ready to return to work, but I want my ex-girlfriend to know I don’t blame her and I want us to part on good terms, so I think we should meet once more, just to get closure. My goal is to erase the negativity caused by my bad reaction to meth and close the book on the situation for good.
After month of treatment, you should be well-versed in how to approach your addiction one day at a time; while there might be a rehab out there that preaches having one last meth binge hurrah “for closure,” it probably won’t be open for long.
The search for closure is the broken person’s version of the Holy Grail; long, dangerous, and ultimately futile. You might think you’re trying to put things right, but you’re really just picking a scab, so if you think it’ll help you heal, the opposite is true. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 4, 2013
There are plenty of things that money can’t buy, but when you don’t have any money, you’d gladly sell any number of those things for some food, rent, or pride. Whether economic desperation destroys a once-solid relationship or forces you to kiss up to someone you once told to kiss off, it’s hard not to feel like a loser when you have no money left to lose. Working hard when you feel like a loser, however, is a much tougher feat than working hard when life is fair and the rewards flow in. If you refuse to hold yourself responsible for hard times and give yourself proper credit for what you do with them, you can survive periods of apparent dependence and humiliation without losing faith in yourself or the truly priceless values you stand for.
-Dr. Lastname
I know my husband wants a divorce because I’ve worn him out with my up-and-down moods, emotional crises and being unemployed and dependent on him for the past three years. It’s lots more than he bargained for, particularly since we never wanted kids and married five years ago for companionship, when we were both making good money and never thought one of us would have to support the other until we were both retired and had good pension plans. Now I can’t afford to let this marriage end, not just because I still love him, but because I’m broke and have nowhere else to go. I haven’t given up on trying to find work—I’ve kept up a steady search, and I’m not too picky—but it’s been very discouraging and my chance of getting anything like the salary I got before I got sick is very slim. So I’m scared shitless he’ll get a lawyer, force me out, and lock the door behind me. My goal is to figure out how to postpone that day until I’m back on my feet.
When uncontrollable events make a nice, companionable partnership increasingly burdensome and loveless for one or both partners, said partners can very quickly turn into archenemies. When two people can no longer turn to each other, turning on each other becomes their next option.
During what amounts to a marital Armageddon, finger-pointing abounds, and you could easily see your husband as a fair-weather promise-breaker, he could see you as a needy leach who promised a lot more than you delivered, and mutual accusations could bring out nasty behavior and more destruction.
Your first goal is to keep a lid on the potential ugliness, but even shutting up can be dangerous. Acting as if you don’t give a damn, or feel like the injured party, or both, can stir up trouble without a word’s being spoken. You need to define and own a positive goal in order to manage an extremely negative situation and keep everything from falling apart. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
