Posted by fxckfeelings on December 20, 2010
Whenever people are hurting at work, management will try to boost productivity by easing pain, which makes them feel both competent and compassionate. Trouble is, most such efforts piss everyone off by trivializing pain and suggesting things can be better when they can’t. Instead of trying to coddle your workforce or push up your company morale, both the employee and the employed would probably do better if they respected the fact that work is often painful, kept the personal bullshit to a minimum, and just got back to work.
–Dr. Lastname
[Adapted from a reader’s comment.]
Our boss tried to improve sagging morale by having us meet regularly in small groups led by a psychologist. I wish I could figure out what she’s trying to do and not be so annoyed by the way she’s doing it. She asks us to think of a wish-list of how to improve the way the organization functions, and then asks if that’s alright, and then, when someone describes something they’d like to see, like making people feel special by recognizing their birthdays, she praises them for having a great idea and makes them think of ways they could implement it, and then asks us if that’s alright, and then tells us we’re doing great and asks for more and is that alright. She sounds like Hal in 2001 and acts like a computer reinforcing people for contributions that will lift the group. Frankly, she creeps me out and the reason morale is bad is because we’re working too hard and not getting paid enough. My goal is to figure out what to do about someone who is being false and unhelpful.
Your work colleagues are not your family, regardless of what the boss and the boss’s psychologist tell you. When they start holding “sharing” sessions like this, the office becomes “The Office.”
Positive recognition and communication are not the answer to your work troubles, if only because work often sucks, which is why you get paid to do it. If you’re unhappy about doing too much for too little, it sucks even more.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on December 9, 2010
There are lots of frightening things in life, and unless you want to live out your days in a panic room, freedom from fear is never an option. Besides, if we all gave up after our first major scare or humiliation, everyone would still be hiding in a high school bathroom stall. So, instead of running for cover in your nearest small space, get used to freaking out and/or fucking up and ignoring whatever dismal news or critical judgment that fear tells you is the truth. Rely on your usual, pre-fear abilities to size up dangers, emerge from your hidey-hole, and respect yourself for doing whatever you think is necessary when fear is trying to bring you down.
–Dr. Lastname
I haven’t been able to recover my confidence since my new boss screamed at me and humiliated me in front of my team. He’s an ex-Ranger who’s been known to become abusive, like the drill sergeant he used to be. The company has reprimanded him, and my job isn’t in jeopardy, but even thinking about going back to work leaves me shaking, and I’ve had nightmares, so I need to get myself back together before going back to work.
This may sound unkind; but taking time to feel traumatized won’t put food on your table.
If there were a cure for your condition, I wouldn’t say that. I’d tell you to get cured, feel better, and then get back to work. Unfortunately, there’s no such thing as canned “trauma-be-gone,” but government cheese is very real.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on November 29, 2010
If you’re the kind of person who lets your job take over your life, then work can become like a bad relationship; you get totally consumed with pleasing your beloved, and while that devotion gives you great satisfaction of the kind you want, it seldom supplies the kind that you need. Don’t assume that work satisfaction is good for you until you’ve decided what else is important in your life, including money, real human romantic relationships, and, of course, not working.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m a competitive, hard-working woman who’s always been a star among my peers at work. My social life has been pretty good, too, though I haven’t been lucky in finding a partner. My problem is that I’m bored and discouraged by my current job—it doesn’t allow me to get the outstanding results I’m used to achieving—and it’s starting to put a dent in my confidence, my dating, and even my ability to look for a new job. I want to get my mood back to normal, I don’t care whether it’s through medication or psychotherapy, so I can again lead the work-pack and have more energy for my social life.
It’s nice to be a work superstar, especially when that confidence extends outside the office to every other facet of life. Too much hubris, however, and you’re starring in your own corporate episode of “Behind The Music.”
When you depend too much on being outstanding, as good as it feels, you’ll get into the special trouble that always happens to gifted people who need that special feeling of achievement (you, Leif Garrett, same difference).
For one thing, if you’re ambitious and good at what you do, you’ll always be recruited, and sooner or later, you’ll be recruited into a position that can’t work out. Your skills are still perfect, but your luck isn’t.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on November 1, 2010
Technically speaking, any citizen of the first world has the opportunity to be rich and powerful…except for the fact of life’s shitty, unavoidable obstacles, like being sick, poor, or just plain unlucky. If you can’t reach the dream of power and a powerboat, especially after working hard and overcoming an obstacle or two, feelings of loserdom begin to sink in. Neither owning a mansion nor overcoming poverty, however, make you a worthy individual (though they may make you feel like one). You can never be a loser if you make the best of your hard luck and build values that will protect your self-respect from the helpless humiliation of being poor and yachtless.
–Dr. Lastname
It took me forever to get my engineering degree because I had to work and go to night school, but I stuck with it because I believed it would get me a good, secure job. What’s killing me is that, now that I’m qualified, I can’t find one, because I don’t have a driver’s license, because the idea of driving gives me panic attacks. Meanwhile, my classmates have gotten all the good jobs and are moving ahead. I’m feeling angry, bitter, and depressed, and I know it’s my own fault. My goal is to get over my fears so all my work doesn’t go to waste.
You’re right to be frightened of panic attacks, because, in addition to making you feel terrible, they can come on just when you need to be at your best, look confident, and show you’re reliable. They’re the acne of mental health.
Like bad zits, they tend to come back whenever they want, for no reason you’ll ever understand, and picking at it just makes it worse.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 28, 2010
As life and many sitcoms have taught us, the people we work with are like family; they can drive you crazy if you listen to them too much, make you forget that your self-respect should never depend on what others think of you (including mom, dad, and the Boss), and make unreasonable demands you can’t refuse. Just as you can’t change your mom, dad, or family cat Count Fluffington, you’re not going to change the Boss, so don’t try. Learn to tune out your office relatives and focus on your own standards. Remember, it’s only a job, and maybe your professional in-laws will take you in.
–Dr. Lastname
Work has been hard for the last couple years because times have been tough and the main way that managers prove themselves and avoid being fired is by committing their teams to unrealistic goals and then getting us to overwork while blaming anyone who objects. They see it as surviving tough competition. Meanwhile, the best people have left and the rest of us feel like we’re overly loyal and/or unmarketable losers. Anyway, the rising complaints caused management to bring in a group of psychologists/consultants to make the workplace happier and improve communication. The trouble is, they’re not asking the right questions and they don’t want to hear what we’re telling them. My goal is to get the boss to see that they’re ineffective.
You might think the consulting psychologists are incompetent, but if they actually could resolve the issues you’ve described, they wouldn’t be consultants, they’d be messiahs.
Yes, the consulting psychologists were hired to make things better and management is probably sincere in believing that. Consultants who tell the whole truth in a situation like this, however, usually find themselves, like employees who do likewise, without a job. Be warned.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 14, 2010
Dreams, like deep religious faith and extreme weight loss, promise happiness, which should warn you right away that you’d better check out what you really need and what you need to do if your dream, exciting as it is, doesn’t come true. We don’t enjoy reminding you, over and over again, that life usually destroys dreams, that fate can be mean, and that you should never throw away your fat pants. We do it because we don’t think dreams are nearly as important, or as fulfilling in the long run, as doing what you can with what you’ve got.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m over 50, independent, and make just enough money to have a middle class life style without any great financial reserves, and I’ve had a steady boyfriend for several years who lives with me on the weekends, but works in another city during the week. We’re both happy with one another and this arrangement, and I feel I can count on him, but I’ve been wondering what we’ll do as we get older. Ideally, I’d like us to pool our resources and take responsibility for caring for one in sickness and health, but I get the feeling he’s hasn’t faced the issue of aging and I don’t know if he ever will. My goal is to get him to consider these issues so I can figure out where I stand.
It’s great to find a good companion, but it might be easier to find the kind of commitment you want, if not the care, from one of the companions listed on petfinder.com.
In other words, beware romanticizing what you and your current companion actually have; ask yourself if your friend is truly prepared to give to you what you’re prepared to give to him, and how you’ll react if he isn’t. You can’t be angry with him for breaking a promise he never made in the first place.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 4, 2010
We’re hardest on family because, unlike those we’re not bound to by blood, family is stuck with us forever. Then again, being stuck together often forces the released negativity to bounce back and forth, like light in a laser, until it gets strong enough to zap your perspective and make you feel like a loser. Getting out of that mindset requires looking outside of the family circle and unsticking yourself from your nearest, dearest and harshest.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t consider myself a lazy person—I take care of the kids and sell some of my paintings—but my husband isn’t crazy about selling cars and would really like to stay home and take care of the kids himself, so he’s always making remarks about having to carry the harder load and asking me if I could find a way to make more money. I’ve tried to find better-paying work, but I’m dyslexic, and what I’m doing is probably about as good as it gets, given my skills and the flexibility I need for the kids. Anyway, he’s been nastier lately because car sales are down and it’s getting to me. My goal is to get him to stop putting me down.
You can’t stop someone from putting you down—haters gotta hate, as the kids say, even if the hater is your husband, and most husbands are haters, at one time or another.
On the other hand, just because someone you love is trying to put you down doesn’t mean you have to take their criticism to heart and sink, doomed unless you can get them to take it back and promise never to do it again.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on September 30, 2010
There’s something about the decision to take or not take medication that makes people very reactive to feelings, both theirs and others, instead of just weighing the important stuff, like the risks, their symptoms, etc. The only good way to make medication decisions is to think about what will happen to you without them and decide for yourself what will do you the most good. Until the day others can feel sick on your behalf, their reactions to your own carefully thought out medical choices shouldn’t come first.
–Dr. Lastname
Given all my issues, I’m not doing so badly, although it’s true I have a $400/week speed habit. Even with that though, I’m doing well at a demanding, high-powered job, meeting all the overtime demands, and then, at quitting time, when I’ve gotten paid and don’t want to feel bored or alone, that’s where speed comes in. A few years ago, I had a crazy, manic mental breakdown and they started me on medication, which I’ve taken regularly, but I’ve been doing fine ever since, my mood is great, the speed hasn’t bothered me, so I don’t see why I can’t start cutting back on the meds. That’s my goal: to feel OK without meds.
Whether it’s bad for you to use speed or stop your bipolar medications depends a lot on what you believe you need for your future survival, assuming that you care about it.
Since I don’t think that’s a safe assumption, let’s assume you’ll at least consider caring about it after you read my response.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on September 27, 2010
Defining what makes a marriage successful isn’t an easy task; for some, marital success is starting a family, or running a business, or just living under one roof without poisoning each other’s oatmeal. No matter what your definition of success, however, marriage is often painful, even when it’s doing you and others a lot of good, and even when you’re being a pretty good partner. So don’t buy into the idea that an unhappy marriage is necessarily a bad marriage or a sign that you’re failing or even that you made a bad decision. A marriage can feel crappy but still be fruitful, productive, and not lethal.
–Dr. Lastname
My partner and I have been running a successful restaurant together for almost ten years, and while it’s usually a smooth operation, he does this thing when we’re under pressure of interrupting whatever I’m doing whenever he needs help, as if what he’s doing is always more important. If I’m not too busy, it’s not a problem, but usually I am pretty busy since business is good, and I can’t drop everything to meet his needs. I try to explain to him why I have to finish what I’m doing and how he’s being unfair or throwing off my timing, but it never gets through, and he either sounds bossy or hurt or both, and it’s humiliating in front of our employees. I don’t think it will destroy our personal or professional partnership, but it drives me crazy and my goal is to get him to stop.
It’s safe to say that your partner wouldn’t come to you if he didn’t think his issues were extremely pressing, so good luck convincing him to stop bothering you about said issues. What you see as a petty problem, he sees as an international crisis.
So, according to him, his demands are necessary and fair, unlike your tone. If he’s believed that for ten years, he’s not going to stop now.
The one thing you may have a little more control of—though only a little—is your own sensitivity to his words. If you cook a dish at a different temperature, it makes a big difference.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on September 13, 2010
Whenever you’ve got a potential conflict between friendship and business, you have to draw a line in the sand (maybe literally if you and your pal work in beach rentals). There is always a “boundary” that represents the best possible compromise between your emotional needs and values, and the necessities of your life. Ignoring boundaries is fun at first, but in the thunderdome of the personal and professional, two sides enter and only one leaves. So, instead of mixing the sides of your life until one falls falls apart, keep your boundaries intact with your friends on one side, your work on the other, and life will remain a (boring) beach.
–Dr. Lastname
My old college roommate is one of my closest friends, and he’s always been one of the most generous people I’ve known. When I got laid off and totally broke, he got me a job at his company, and when I first started working there, everything was great. Now he’s my boss and things are very weird. Outside of work, he’s the same old guy—we carpool to work and crack jokes like always. Once we get into the office though, he’s a different guy, not just serious, because that would make sense (he’s my boss, after all), but really nasty with me. He snaps whenever I ask him questions about work stuff, like I’m an idiot who didn’t follow directions and is wasting his time. I really don’t think I’m asking him to do anything above and beyond, just regular employee/boss stuff, but he’s a total jerk about it. I want to stay here because I need the money and like the company as a whole, but I’m afraid that if I do stay, our friendship will fall apart. Then again, if I leave, he might also take that personally. My goal is to keep my job and my friendship intact.
Fortunately, you don’t have to worry about your friend firing you anytime soon. Instead, you have an opportunity to choose whether to lose your friendship or your job.
As Jack Benny once famously said, when a robber barked “Your money or your life,” “I’m thinking, I’m thinking.” And, of course, you could wind up losing both.
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