Posted by fxckfeelings on July 28, 2011
If we’re to believe the common wisdom that self-esteem is as important to the human body as insulin, white blood cells, and limbs, then it’s important to remember that too much is a bad thing. True, too little is the one that hurts in the short run, but too much can lead to bad decisions that can be just as harmful as diabetes. What’s important is to manage the self-esteem you’ve got so it doesn’t make you a wimp or a jerk. Maintain a healthy balance, because you need too much self-confidence like you need that extra arm.
–Dr. Lastname
I constantly feel inadequate, though I am socially quite confident and easy-going. I have always been a worrier, and someone that seeks approval from others—mainly because of the relationship I have with my parents, where praise is hard to come by. Ever since graduating (a year ago),my confidence seems to have hit rock bottom. I became very disheartened by the whole application process, and felt like I became reduced to a series of bullet points. As a result, the many rejection emails I received were crushing. I have since found a job I generally enjoy, but cannot shake a feeling of anxiety. I constantly worry that I’m being a bad employee, friend, daughter. I worry about money, about the fact I don’t meet guys that I can make a relationship work with…When a guy I was dating recently treated me undeniably badly, I still found myself questioning my own behavior, worrying it was my fault. I want to make plans for the future, but keep finding reasons why my ambitions will be impossible to achieve. How can I stop giving myself such a hard time, and take my future by the horns?
Yes, there are people who are optimistic, happy, and full of confidence, and their optimism often generates its own good results and gets everyone, including advice-givers, worshiping the “groove” they’re in and telling you how to get it.
What they don’t tell you is that the groove is overvalued; sooner or later, life sucks, and when it does, it won’t shake you nearly as much as someone who has never experienced self-doubt and thinks they’ve got the world by the tail. So one thing you can be optimistic about is that you’re prepared for disaster.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on July 21, 2011
Talking to a partner about their cancer often leads people to become nervous and tentative. They may feel guilty for being the healthy party, or afraid to say the wrong thing and trigger painful feelings, and it’s that sort of distance that can lead to cancer of the relationship. If your partner has cancer, don’t freeze up; respect your usual shared goals, values, and reasons for making decisions, and treat him or her as your respected friend and not a cancer victim. Take the disease in stride, or the disease will take much, much more.
–Dr. Lastname
My boyfriend went through hell from chemotherapy, but I don’t know what to do with his depression and irritability. We’d been dating about a year and planning to get married when he found out he had a nasty kind of cancer and, since then, he’s been brave about chemo and going on with his life, which has meant working when he’s feeling OK, and our moving in together and being partners. Usually, we get along well, but lately he’s been depressed and telling me he knows he’s a burden, he can’t get much done, and he just wants to be alone. I want him to get help for his depression and stop the negative thinking but I don’t want to attack him or make him feel I don’t respect the fact that he has cancer.
One of the things you always hear from people in pain is that you, the lucky one, “just don’t understand.” It’s the rallying cry of the suffering, whether they’re coping with cancer, or just being between the ages of 10 and 18.
What sick people often fail to realize, at least at first, is that people who aren’t in their position understand things that they can’t; after all, you might have the good luck not know what it’s like to have cancer, but you know what your boyfriend’s like when he’s not depressed, and you know this isn’t it. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 7, 2011
Obviously, emotions are a powerful motivator, but they aren’t responsible for bad decisions—they just provide the fuel that your stupid idea needs to take flight. Ultimately, love can only make you a fool, and fear can only stymie you, if you allow them to. Don’t try to figure out why you’ve lost control, just admit you can and need to get it back. Stay dedicated to the idea that control is possible, if you’re prepared to take a position and stick with it before you crash and burn.
–Dr. Lastname
I struggle not to fall for any man who isn’t already involved with a woman. Dating, engaged, married, I don’t care, so long as they’ve got someone who’s done the groundwork and has given them the tick of approval. I’m refusing to buy into the fact that there are no eligible men left in my city, but I need to know why it is I’m so sadistically falling for men I just can’t have.
The idea that we are all powerless to control love isn’t so much a romantic notion as it is an excuse. Obviously, we’re not all powerless to control hate, because the body count would be unreal (although it would make the competition on most reality shows more interesting).
In other words, just because you fall for someone doesn’t mean you should select them, or that falling needs to precede the selection process. You have control over your emotions, not vice versa.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on June 27, 2011
Sharing career decisions with your spouse may expose you to unwanted advice and criticism, but it can also remind you that you’re not in this world just to work; for instance, if Whitey Bulger consulted (one of his many) girlfriends about his on-the-job pressures, they might have helped him keep his murder count down (or they might have wound up dead themselves). In any case, what your spouse knows, potentially, is that it’s not healthy to build your self-confidence on your ability to work yourself like a criminal, and your urges to be a good worker can have wider costs, be they for your family or your freedom.
–Dr. Lastname
I usually like my job, which is running the major gifts department of the development office of a medium sized-college, but lately I’ve been ready to tell the Board of Trustees where to get off. For the past 4 years we’ve had a reduced budget, like everyone else, and so I’ve tried to do more and volunteered to freeze my own salary, and the Board was appreciative. This past 6 months, however, I’ve been extra stressed by the fact that my assistant has been a no-show, for reasons of illness that I know are somewhat exaggerated, and the Board has been a lot more sympathetic about his problem than about the additional work that I and the rest of my team have had to do. My husband and I are not financially independent—we’ve got 2 kids in college—but I’ve had it. I’m ready to share my feelings with the Board Chairman. That’s my goal.
Gandhi is largely remembered as a selfless leader who starved and suffered for his people. It’s possible though that there is one person who remembered him quite differently, and that person, as we’ve stated before, is Mrs. Gandhi.
That’s because, by taking a vow of poverty, Gandhi signed up his wife and kids for a life of poverty, like it or not, even after he died (and whether or not he did this while shtupping a German weight-lifter is besides the point). He was a noble man, but a shitty husband and father.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on June 20, 2011
Common wisdom says to react to disrespect by “standing up for yourself,” but the phrase “common wisdom” itself is usually an oxymoron. After all, no matter how personal it feels to be slighted, most victims of disrespect aren’t chosen for personal reasons, but because they happen to be the closest person to someone who’s wired to act like a jerk. If you push for an apology, bouquet, animal sacrifice, whatever, the problem that caused it won’t go away. Take time to know what you want from a relationship and why you’re there, and disrespect will matter less. What will matter more is the value of your own conduct, which, while not putting a premium on whether you stand up for yourself, does mean holding your head high.
–Dr. Lastname
Well, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years, and during our third year I got into his Facebook account and saw that he’d cheated on me by talking online with girls saying he loved them. I walked away for about 4 months. He tried everything to get me back and after he showed me he changed I thought I should give it one last chance since he is my first everything. I’m trying to move past this but I feel there is something inside me that wants to explode every time I am with him. What advice can you give me to forget this incident or should I not forget?
You’ve given this guy one more chance because he’s your “first everything,” which is understandable. At this point, however, he’s also your first lesson in how character, unlike love, is forever.
He didn’t do this to hurt or disrespect you, because that would imply he thought his actions through before taking them. Instead, he acted on his very flawed set of instincts, which is what brings his character into question. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 16, 2011
It doesn’t seem mean or destructive to be convinced you or someone else needs help, but the trouble happens when there’s good reason to believe there is no help to be found, at least none of the kind you want. That’s when seeking can become as futile as the search for the Holy Grail, except nastier, sadder, and with more damage than a flesh wound. Giving up is often a significant act of kindness, and the first step to getting or giving a different, better kind of assistance, with or without nerdy references.
–Dr. Lastname
I have a friend who has a history of being diagnosed with depression, self-mutilation and, recently, suicidal thoughts. She was forced to seek treatment with a counselor in HS (now 24-years-old) whom she said was no help, and now she says she won’t ever seek treatment again because it won’t help her. She acknowledges she has issues that need addressing, but she doesn’t believe in mental illness diagnoses, states she just needs to “deal” with it. However, all we talk about is how much she hates her life, hates feeling this way but isn’t willing to do anything about it. I’ve told her she’s an adult, and makes her own decisions and no one can force her to do anything, but I’ve been very honest with my concerns about her, and that she needs help. I don’t want to treat her with kid gloves or enable her but I also don’t know how much I can push her, since I know its her mental illness that’s clouding her view of the world/reality. How can I continue to be a good friend without beating my head into a wall and enabling her?
For many people, “help” and “cure” have become interchangeable words, as if good motivation and proper treatment will always make things better (tell that to the common cold).
Sadly, the help your friend needs, just like a cure for what ails her, may or may not exist, depending on her luck, the severity of her issues and whether she sees them as hers or just a reaction to other people. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 6, 2011
The reason that high school movies will never go out of style is that a large part of our compass of self-definition, the one that tells us whether we’re doing a good job and adjusting satisfactorily, is magnetically driven by the people we see, socialize, and suffer with every day. Thankfully, real life comes with graduation, and, if you’re lucky, the ability to escape the judgment of peers and make your own evaluations. If you really miss high school that much, skip the critical contemporaries and go straight to John Hughes.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m feeling a little lost. For most of my life, I’ve been an excellent student. I made As and Bs with minimal effort. Seriously, I’d just show up to class, take a few notes, and get an A. I didn’t really have to try. It just happened. The past two years, however, it seems like I’ve been sinking further and further into a hole that’s gotten so deep, I can’t even see where I fell in. I have difficulty motivating myself to get out of bed 90% of the time. When I used to be able to pen an excellent paper in a few hours’ time, I find myself now staring at a blank Word document with nothing but a header for weeks. My GPA has plummeted from fantastic (not stellar, but it would’ve done well enough) to abysmal. The only thing keeping me from dropping out of college entirely is the fact that I know I’d have nothing else at all to live for. My family already thinks I’m a failure, because I haven’t graduated yet. The past two years has put me painfully behind schedule. I’m thoroughly unhappy, and I honestly don’t know how the hell to stop it. I need help figuring out what the hell I need to do to get out of this hole.
Pretend you’ve just been told you have a fatal disease. Suddenly, your GPA and the opinions it inspires in your family and friends probably matter a lot less, no?
When you’re in workplaces, families and/or schools, they seem to be the whole universe and your place in them seems to define who you are. The best thing about being cast out, or even just moving on, is that you gain an opportunity to define your worth more independently, in terms of your values and efforts, instead of what people thought of your performance.
Right now, your grades and your family are telling you you’re a failure, but they don’t deserve to have the last word. You have obstacles you can’t control, and you have good qualities not currently recognized in your limited universe.
It’s time to reassess not just what’s wrong, but how it’s wrong, for whom, and how much is really in your power.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 23, 2011
Ambition is a blessing and a curse; a curse for most of those people who possess it, but a huge blessing for my business, which flourishes off the self-hate of said overly-ambitious people who believe they could have been contenders (if it wasn’t for themselves). Actually, the usual reason you can’t have your dream is that your equipment isn’t what it should be, and the best way to restore your faith in yourself is to accept the fact that your brain, while not a blessing, isn’t exactly a curse, either, and requires a set of expectations all its own.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m going back to school in the fall (for my master’s), and am really worried about the problem that plagued me in undergrad—academic OCD (which combines with general OCD, natch). Specifically, I over-cite EVERYTHING in my papers, because I have this terror of plagiarizing—to the point where my papers are hard to read, and the citing is ridiculous. I haven’t been out of undergrad very long, and I know I need to go back to school to achieve my career goals, but I’m DREADING the papers—any thoughts on how to prepare myself to deal with this very specific anxiety?
If you want an easy way to manage your over-citation compulsion (OCC), here it is; stop making too many citations! Stop it! Bad! Hope it works, and we don’t accept personal checks.
As always, the problem with looking for easy answers to your problem is that you’ll assume that all you need to do to get better is give yourself a kick in the pants or share your feelings with a therapist. It’s not true, and thinking like that will make you feel like a failure (and, if you’re lucky/buy answers like the one above, an idiot).
Long story short, your problem is here to stay (citation: this site, on a weekly basis) and, as long as you’ve got to write papers, managing it is going to be painful.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 12, 2011
Speaking without thinking first is like Forrest Gump’s box of chocolates– stupid (plus, you never know what you’re going to get). When emotion wins out over thought, people either feel compelled to tell the truth and other times they feel compelled to lie, and it doesn’t usually help to figure out why since the speaking didn’t give it much consideration in the first place. In order to avoid saying something true or untrue that you’ll regret, it’s important is to give yourself the time to figure out what you believe is best to say, according to your own ideas of right and wrong, and what will probably happen next. You’re only obligated to tell the truth if you’re under oath; otherwise, your obligation is to yourself, your values, and your need to change the subject.
–Dr. Lastname
As a middle manager, I’ve always been interested in ideas about good management, so when the new senior managers at my company asked for suggestions, I gave them an honest response and suggested they cultivate a culture that encourages less overwork and more creativity. It was no secret that I thought they were pushing people too hard and burning them out, which was not the way things used to be at the company. Well, things have been frosty since, so I want to know how to tell the truth without getting into trouble.
I assume you’re not working at a truth-factory. Hence, it’s not your job to tell the truth.
Instead, your job, like anyone’s job, is to do a good day’s work and make a living. Unfortunately, telling the truth is not compatible with that goal.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on April 28, 2011
Fear and rage are great motivators for bad decisions, especially when it comes to one’s choice of words. Fear can clamp your jaw shut when you need to address the masses, and rage can keep the invective flowing, even if the target is one person you don’t want to drive away. Don’t expect a good relationship, or a good therapist, to make the bad feelings and poor control of your (big) mouth disappear. Managing those feelings will never be happy, easy, or painless, but the strongest motivator should be the need to keep your job, your relationship, or just your sanity.
–Dr. Lastname
I had to speak in front of a crowd recently and thought I would have a heart attack. I have to go to court regularly as part of my job and each time it seems to get worse. I shake and stutter. Seems to be sort of an authority or judgment thing, since it only happens under certain circumstances. I can speak to a crowd of folks I know, and do it well. I don’t want to have to get another job at my age (>50), it was hard enough to get this one. Any suggestions? (No insurance!)
My first suggestion is to move to Massachusetts, Vermont, or Canada. If that insurance comment isn’t a joke, then not having insurance, especially when you’re over fifty, is cause enough for a coronary.
Seriously, it’s quite probable that a major cause of your shaking and stuttering is that you’re unconsciously aware/terrified of the many ways your body can, and is about to, break down and wear out. That’s way more scary than socialism and death panels combined.
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