5 Things to Consider Before Venting

Posted by fxckfeelings on October 21, 2015

While it feels good to let someone “know how you really feel,” especially when that person is making you feel really bad, the long-term effect on your relationships can be really awful. Earlier this week, we explained to a reader why venting is dangerous, so here are five things to consider before letting loose and doing permanent damage.

1. Think Beyond The Catharsis

Don’t ask yourself whether your statement will make you feel better, introduce more honesty into the world, or punish those who deserve it. All of those outcomes, while glorious, are fleeting, while the resentment, bitterness, and anger that follow can last a lifetime.

2. “Nobody’s Ever Died From Bottling Up Feelings…

…but plenty of people have died from unbottling them,” is another saying we use even more frequently than the fart metaphor. Don’t think for a moment that suppressing your feelings will harm your health or fill your life with pointless frustration; venting your feelings, on the other hand, is a good way to get punched, evicted, and generally put in harm’s way.

3. Review The Record

Remember what happened the last time you shared your feelings (or the last few times), and, frustrating as it may be, admit that you can’t find a single reason why things won’t happen the same way this time. Or find the non-military circumstances under which berating someone could possibly be a positive motivator, period.

4. Get A Second Opinion

Before addressing an issue with someone, try to persuade a neutral party that the issue is important, something might be gained from talking about it, and there’s something constructive you can do about it. If you can’t convince them, then it’s probably best to keep the issue to yourself. If you can, prepare a statement that begins with respect and optimism, describes the mutual benefits that could be achieved with change, and encourages the other party to do what he thinks best.

5. Spell It Out, Don’t Shame It Up

If your husband’s sexual unresponsiveness would force you to take actions he might not like—finding intimacy outside of your marriage, seeking a sperm donor, etc.—then spell it out to him as a necessity that you want to avoid, but, if necessary, are determined to pursue. Make it clear that you’re not telling him this as a threat, punishment, or expression of anger or disrespect; you’re not venting your feelings, you’re explaining the facts, and it’s the difference between doing damage and seeking a constructive compromise.

Foe Outlet

Posted by fxckfeelings on October 19, 2015

The anger people feel when a relationship makes them feel helpless, whether it’s from disappointment or abuse, is often so painful letting the feels out seems like the only form of relief. Unfortunately, angrily releasing those feelings doesn’t make them go away; instead, it gives them life outside of your head, where they can do even more damage. So don’t vent anger before first thinking carefully about the impact it’s likely to have on relationships you may continue to need and/or value. Then, if you decide it’s worth taking a stand, compose a positive way to negotiate for what you want (elaborated upon later this week). The relief won’t be as immediate, but the possible fall-out won’t make the pain worse.

-Dr. Lastname

I guess you’d tell me I shouldn’t focus on the sexlessness of my nine years of marriage and instead focus on the positive experiences we have had and learn to keep my mouth shut—not release the “verbal farts” you talk about—but if letting people get away with mistreating me is what you think I’m supposed to do, then I’d rather have chronic verbal gas. I tell my friends when they are fake and shallow, my husband that our sexless marriage is emotionally corrosive and my parents that I will despise them for physically abusing me when I was a child. In other words, I tell the truth, but according to you, I should “man up” and move on and keep my feelings to myself. I don’t see how that’s better or fair. My goal is to see your point.

If your marriage turns out to be sexless, you’ve been the victim of child abuse, or you’ve generally had and unlucky and unhappy life, then you certainly have the right to feelings of resentment. There’s no benefit from telling yourself that you should feel good about experiencing so many bad things.

On the other hand, as you’ve already guessed, we wouldn’t tell you to express those angry feelings unless they can do you some good in the long run, and, usually, they can’t. As we say in our fart metaphor, beyond the immediate relief, venting ugly feelings then poisons the air for you and everyone around you.

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