Value Pack

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 26, 2011

When someone behaves badly and doesn’t see it, it may be because they’re driven by values that can’t be contradicted, not by you, other priorities, or other values. It may also be because they don’t have any values other than their immediate needs, but either way, you’re looking at a hell of a relationship hurdle. In any case, don’t assume that agreement in principle is necessary for someone to change bad behavior. Sometimes it’s enough that you believe it’s bad and insist on change, very clearly, as a condition for continuing your relationship. Other times, they won’t budge, and as much as you value their company, your values have to come first.
–Dr. Lastname

My girlfriend is a good person, and we get along well, except when her ex-husband and spoiled son come into the picture. She’s the bread-winner, so her ex is always sending her bills for extra expenses and he messes with the visitation schedule whenever he wishes (their son lives with him because she’s often traveling on business). What seems to get to my girlfriend is when her ex shows signs of having a new live-in partner, and he’s nastier with her when he thinks I’m around. With her son, my girlfriend’s biggest fear is that he’ll get mad and not want to visit, so she gives him whatever he asks for. The whole situation creeps me out and puts me on the periphery. When I push her to set limits, she reacts as if I’m burdening her with one more demand. My goal is to make our relationship work.

The most devotedly pleasing girl in the world isn’t going to do you much good if she can’t carve out enough space and time for your relationship. After all, her devotion and drive to please have a waiting list.

If there’s a problem, as there is here, it’s often not a measure of how much she loves you, but of how well she can respond to other demands in her life. Without priorities or limits, she’s not going to please anyone. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »