Posted by fxckfeelings on December 6, 2012
If you want to get out of a personal or professional rut, don’t bother obsessing over why you’re there, why it’s there, and why you’re so terrible that all ruts everywhere are all your fault. Instead, force yourself to ignore the negative feelings you have about your performance and personality in favor of fair, balanced criticism. If you’re as objective, careful and compassionate in judging yourself as you would someone else, regardless of what you’d really like to tell yourself, you’ll become much more effective, not just at keeping yourself out of ruts, but keeping your sanity and self-respect. If everyone could do that, I’d be forced out of a job.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know why I’m so stuck with my life. I’ve had good training and I’m good with people, but I’ve got a nothing job that barely pays the rent, where everyone is nice and likes me but I’m dying of boredom. I have the skills to work someplace else, I just can’t get myself moving on a job search because it seems scary and difficult and I’d probably mess things up. Meanwhile, I can’t get over missing the girl I was dating, though I knew she was a serial dumper when I started dating her so I had no reason to complain when she dumped me. But if she gave me a booty call tonight, I probably wouldn’t say no. I’m stupid and terrible and my goal is to figure out why.
There you are, as well equipped as anyone to venture forth in the world, but can’t let go of what you’ve got—mediocre job and girlfriend—and, worse yet, you tell yourself you’re sure to mess things up if you do. Scared if you do and scared if you don’t, so you stay put and discuss the fear.
Lots of people think that if they analyze why and how they hurt, they’ll start to feel better, but ruminating over why you’re hurt isn’t actually doing anything; it’s like putting your hand in a flame because you’re drawn to fire, then keeping it there until you can talk out why it’s so painful. Words are (literally) not a salve. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 3, 2012
Because resentment can be so painful and ugly, people spend lots of time trying to get rid of it, usually by talking it out, trying to beat it out of themselves, or outdoing themselves in their efforts to become so rich and powerful that they’ll have nothing to resent in the first place. In reality, however, resentment tends to linger no matter what you say, do, or earn, and people do less harm when they accept that fact. So, while your heart may become stained with resentment, it can’t color your values or control your actions. Better to focus on managing your urge to kill someone than kill yourself trying to make that urge go away.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t stand resenting my brother day and night, but that’s what I’ll have to do if I don’t speak to him about his decision to claim our late father’s summer cottage, where we used to go when we were kids. He feels he’s entitled to it because he’s spent more time there over the years (since I went away for school and grad school, and he didn’t), but I moved back a while ago and I’m the one with kids, and I want them to enjoy that place as much as my brother and I did. He’s a rigid guy who never gives an inch and always gets his way, and the executor has already ruled on it, but I can’t stand the idea of living the rest of my life nursing resentment. I’ll feel much better letting him know how I feel, getting it out of my system, and showing him that I’m not afraid. My goal is to handle my feelings as effectively as possible.
It’s hard to nurse resentment against an unfair or unfeeling brother, especially now that he’s submitted what’s only the most recent chapter in his many-volume history of making you feel bullied or pushed aside. By having it out with him, you’re hoping to make this history, well, history, and begin fresh with new tales of him being better-behaved because he knows he can’t push your around.
Trouble is, the one thing that’s harder than nursing said resentment is expressing it to a brother who doesn’t accept criticism, and winding up with a family feud. Whatever resentment you get off your chest will come back doubled and re-doubled, so if anything ends, it will be his willingness to speak to you and your ability to set foot inside that cottage again. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 29, 2012
Whether traumatic or dynamic, having an early and/or intense sexual experience can make you worry that your ability to have solid adult relationships will be damaged. While sexual trauma can make intimacy scary, and sexual overstimulation can distract you from it, there are ways to move past your past. If you have a clear vision of partnership and the discipline to implement it, sexual feelings need never control your life. You may never stop them from causing pain and distraction, but they can never stop you from finding and being a good partner moving forward.
–Dr. Lastname
I recently had a severe panic attack that lead me to believing I was molested as a young child. From what I know, I lost my virginity to a man in his 20s when I was 13 years old, or in 7th grade. After visiting with some old friends, I brought up an event which had happened when we were 13 years old that involved men in their late 20s or older, alcohol, and oral sex. She was horrified I brought it up, but to me, it was something that was part of my life, but after heading home that night, I began to think that maybe it wasn’t so normal for young girls to be having sex and that’s when my panic attack sunk in. For some background, I was “raised” by a 15-year-old mother who I believe loved me, but was at times, emotionally abusive and manipulative, and often times neglectful as she also had three other children after me. My father was also very young and inconsistent, I often went months without hearing from him and longer not seeing him. Anyways, eventually I lost my virginity to a man in his 20s which lead to years of promiscuity with much older men. My brother is now in his 20s and I try to gain perspective by mentally placing him next to what I perceive as a 13-14 year old, but I really can’t process the age difference. I don’t necessarily feel like a victim because I felt like such a willing participant, but lately, I’ve had this deep terrifying feeling that this sexual history goes back much further than I can remember. Although I can’t figure out what happened to me as a child, I do have these “flashbacks” that sometimes make no sense and I can’t seem to place them on a timeline, but my mind will immediately discard them and a sense of panic will set in. My goal is to come to terms with my history so I can start processing and begin to heal.
Being forced by a chance perspective to reexamine your basic assumptions about your childhood—whom you could trust, how safe you really were—can create a domino effect of doubt.
You’re now compelled to call your entire sexual history into question and wonder whether anxiety and flashbacks are side effects of the shock, or legitimate signals of unremembered sexual trauma. Between what you do remember and your lack of parental protection as a child, it could mean that you were sexually abused.
It’s never certain, however, that recalling such an experience in therapy can produce healing, and there’s a danger that delving into childhood trauma may make you feel more helpless and trap you in loops of negative thinking that keep the dominoes of doubt in perpetual free-fall. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 19, 2012
Normally, whoever breaks a marriage vow has first dibs on feeling guilty, but divorce, like marriage itself, is often a team effort. Often, what actually drives you away from a committed relationship isn’t restlessness or lust, but a deep and unavoidable flaw in the relationship itself. Once you confirm that such a flaw exists, don’t blame yourself for having mixed feelings; although good reasons probably remain for staying as well as going, give yourself a valid choice instead of accepting the guilt and taking one for the team.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: The next post will be next Monday, 11/26, since we’re taking time off for American Thanksgiving. We look forward to addressing your crises then.
I’ve made a mess of my marriage by cheating on my husband, and I know it. I wish I could stop, but sometimes I also wish I hadn’t let him talk me into marrying him—I tried to call it off, but he got suicidal, so I felt I had no choice. Still, it wasn’t an awful decision…he’s a good guy, we have great kids and a nice home. But I still find myself wanting to cheat, even though it causes him pain, I can’t seem to stop having occasional flings. These guys don’t really mean anything to me, but I’ve got to stop hurting my family. My goal is to stop.
You might not have a great marriage, but, like a sports team or boy band, a marriage is only as strong as its weakest member. That’s why trades exist, Justin Timberlake went solo, and the mirror is the first place to look if you’re searching for the source of your marital issues.
At this point, the burden of trying to be a good wife drives you into a bad habit that you’re ashamed of, so the worse you feel, the worse your bad habit gets. From a therapist’s point of view, it’s a gift that keeps on giving, but from your point of view, it’s a trap.
If you really want to break the cycle, your first job is clearing your head long enough to figure out whether you really want this marriage or not, challenging the idea that you’re at fault for its failure. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 15, 2012
Whether you’re pushed into a major decision by loving emotions or anger and disappointment, watch out; the forces behind your decision might be pushing you off a cliff. The stronger your feelings, the more important it is to take a deep breath and figure out the risks and benefits of what you’re about to do before doing something major (or, if your feelings are negative, even opening your mouth). In either case, gather facts, do your homework, and map out consequences before push comes to shove and you commit yourself to actions you can’t take back.
–Dr. Lastname
My wife and I have three kids, but we’ve felt a little empty since our youngest girl hit ten and stopped being cuddly, so we’re thinking about adopting. My wife is a stay-at-home mom who’s a little moody but loves kids and has been a good parent, and I work hard at a tough career, but I’m usually around all the time on weekends. My goal is to figure out whether we can make adoption work.
Most people think that deciding on a big, emotional commitment requires a big, emotional process; i.e., since nothing causes more emotion than marriage or parenthood, decisions about getting married or having kids should arise from emotional resolutions.
While this might be a common assumption, it’s also a common refrain of this blog that such an assumption is very, very wrong.
Instead of relying on loving emotions to direct your course, consider the conditions necessary to making an adoption work. If certain conditions aren’t met, it won’t. It’s that simple.
Those are the conditions that need your closest attention, not whatever’s percolating in your heart, or, God forbid, your gut (which, as we’ve often said, is where your shittiest decisions originate, pun intended). WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 12, 2012
The problem with drug addiction isn’t just the physical toll of chemical dependency (although that’s problematic, to say the least). On top of the negative effect drugs have on your body, there’s the corrosive effect addiction has on your morality and judgment, which means damage to both body and spirit. It’s addiction’s endless quest for feeling good, despite doing bad things to self and others, that turns you into a bad person. So don’t think that quitting is just a matter of quitting; it also requires getting stronger and caring more about who you are, so being good means more than feeling good ever could.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband never credits me for the way I try to stay sober, he just focuses on the things I do wrong. He claims I trash his things when I’m drunk, and maybe I do, but I love him and I can’t stand the way he’s always angry at me, because his anger makes it very hard for me to get sober. He says I’m always lying but it’s just that I can’t stop myself from saying whatever will stop him from getting angry. My goal is to stop drinking, of course, and I do better when he’s away, but I don’t see how I can do it when he’s around and always angry.
As understandable as it is to care deeply about how your spouse feels about you, it’s dangerous to care more about such feelings than about what’s right or wrong in what you’re doing. In other words, while you may want him to be happy with you, trashing his things isn’t likely to get that result.
That behavior would cause most people to think, not that you’re a caring wife, but a terrible drunk who does bad things to your husband when you’re under the influence. At the same time, you’re more upset about the pain you feel from his anger than about the way your drinking hurts him or compromises your pride in yourself.
Lying and drinking are quick, irresistible reflexes for avoiding pain. Unfortunately, they often make life more painful, which leads to more lying and drinking. In the end, your drinking isn’t your biggest problem; it’s the way drinking has damaged your character. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 8, 2012
Although stopping long-term intensive psychotherapy can leave you in a state of mourning and fear, particularly if it occurs during tough times or against your wishes, it’s unrealistic to expect that returning to therapy will make everything right again. Instead, give yourself time to adjust to change and reassess your ability to stay functional and positive. Then, if you think it’s necessary, find a therapist who’s a good, supportive coach and use him or her for a different kind of therapy that keeps your head straight without stirring up your deeper feelings. If you’re certain that you have to be “in therapy” to get helpful support and are helpless without it, then the therapy you’re in is helping you a lot less than you think.
–Dr. Lastname
In my early 20s I spent 4 years in therapy (which I think in and of itself says a whole lot about the not good place I was in my head). Therapy ended, not because I was ready, but because I moved. I am now 46, and in the years since I continued to work through a lot of things on my own, with my therapist’s voice in my head, if no longer in actual therapy sessions. In January my grandmother took a turn for the worse, with both health and cognition, and we had to place her in full nursing care. She has always been one of the most influential and positive forces in my life, so I had a hard time dealing with this. It sent me spiraling down into my 4th lifetime episode of depression. I’ve started back on Prozac, which I now realize I need to stay on for the rest of my life to try to prevent future recurrences, and I’ve spent the last 10 months in therapy with my former therapist via phone sessions as we now live 1,000 miles apart. I have finished working through a lot of stuff in that time, meaning I’ve changed my attitudes and perceptions and behaviors, which has changed my life, inner and outer. I wish I’d figured it out 25 years ago, during that first round of therapy, but better late than never. It’s been a hard year. My grandmother died 7 weeks ago. The grief hit me more than I ever imagined. I thought I’d prepared in those months when she was slowly dying, but I was wrong. What is the saying—Where there is no struggle, there is no strength? Good growth has come of the pain—I have returned to college, and I am training for my first full marathon in January. I am at a truly good place in my head and was ready to end therapy, so two weeks ago, with my therapist’s blessing, I had my last session. I knew, though, that ending therapy because I am truly ready is a celebration, but that it would also be a loss. It is currently hitting me harder than I imagined. How do I get through this and find a place of healthy acceptance of this transition?
While it’s unfortunate that stopping intensive psychotherapy after many years is hitting you hard, it’s not surprising. As you well know, loss is painful, be it the death of a loved one or the end of a source of support.
That said, your pain doesn’t mean your psychotherapy has been less complete than you thought or that you stopped it too soon, just that you can be a solid, resilient person and also be very sensitive to loss, both because of temperament and circumstances. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 25, 2012
Sometimes it’s healthier to be plagued by self-doubt than blessed by a sense of righteous self-certainty. Sure, self-doubt hurts, but it never has to stop you from making good decisions, just from feeling good about them. And while self-certainty is an amazingly good local anesthetic for self-doubt, it can also make you impervious to criticism or the input you need to make good moral choices. Take comfort then if you tend to question your decisions, because it’s better to feel doubt and think twice than to be too confident to think at all.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t make a decision without second-guessing myself a hundred times. Like, I recently decided to finally buy a classic car, which was being offered at a reasonable price (I’m a fan of the manufacturer, did my research, and have generally been planning this for a long time). When I found that someone else had offered the asking price, I put in a bid that was a good deal higher, and got it. Now I think the higher purchase price was justified, but I could have taken my time and tried to negotiate a lower price, and then I would have been more satisfied. I can’t stop thinking of what might have happened. I just wish I was more decisive and sure of myself.
There’s not much point in second-guessing your second-guessing tendencies unless you want to punish yourself for having a second-guessing-style mind, and that would be cruel (and confusing, since you’re fourth-guessing yourself at this point).
You may not like second-guessers, but here’s one truth you need to accept at face value; since you happen to be a chronic self-doubter, you’d better learn to be nice to them, because that’s what you have to live with. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 11, 2012
Most people feel it’s their duty to help a loved one in need, but that instinct gets problematic when said loved one does not instinctively react with appreciation, or even satisfaction. When that happens, it’s natural to get mad, stop giving, and then feel vaguely responsible for their subsequent misery (especially when they keep blaming you for it). In your mind and theirs, to give or not to give seems like an inevitable choice, but not if giving something actually helps nothing; if you stay focused on giving what you believe is truly helpful, rather than on what they ask for, you can give the people you care about what they actually need without going broke or being forced to be critical or to betray your basic, positive commitment. At that point, regardless of whether they feel hurt, deprived, or grateful, you can be confident you’re doing right by them, your instincts, and your bank account.
–Dr. Lastname
My friends tell me I’m an enabler because I continue to take care of my wife even though she’s got a bad oxy habit, refuses help, and uses my support to stay high. I understand what they’re saying, but they don’t understand what would happen if I put her out on the street. She doesn’t care what happens to her—she’ll go without eating, ignore the kids, have sex with dealers—anything to keep her supply going. I got her to treatment a few times, and even had her court-committed to a 90-day program, but she never really committed to it. If I confront her, she flips out. My friends say my kindness is killing her and preventing her from “hitting bottom,” which is the only way she’ll ever get motivated to recover. Meanwhile, I’m afraid of her becoming totally dependent on her dealers and winding up with HIV or dead in the street. My goal is to find the best way to help her.
While you and your friends are both right in fearing for your wife’s life, you’ve all got it wrong if you think that love, gentle or tough, will work to help her, or do anything but backfire.
As your friends say, she can misuse your support to stay addicted longer and harder, possibly killing herself. As you say, if you throw her out or confront her, she may well destroy herself to spite you and/or prove that there’s no bottom that doesn’t have a sub-basement.
It’s understandable that you’d make it your goal to help her, but your efforts have only been successful in proving it can’t be done). Instead, work to avoid hurting her and protecting yourself while preserving her access to help. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 8, 2012
Giving up on love is supposed to be a bad thing, but that’s in a world where love is always precious and beautiful, not potentially destructive and ugly. There are lots of things you love and can’t and/or shouldn’t have, and others that you can have but at an unacceptable price. The real achievement is not gaining what you love, but knowing when it’s not worth it and not losing faith entirely when you must give it up. Giving up on love isn’t always a bad thing, but giving up on delusional notions about love is always a good idea.
–Dr. Lastname
My boyfriend is a really nice guy, but for reasons that I don’t understand, I just don’t love him anymore. He says he wants us to be friends, and that’d be OK with me if he wasn’t obviously still in love with me. It’s always awkward, getting a call from him every day, and knowing he’s really waiting for my response when he emails me, that makes me very uncomfortable. If he comes by, I know he’s looking for signs that I’m seeing someone else. I know it bothers him if I tell him we can’t get together. He doesn’t press me, but I see the pain in his eyes. I feel guilty because I care about him and want to be friends, but I’d be a lot more comfortable not seeing him. I feel guilty about dumping him—he really doesn’t deserve it—but I can’t seem to find a way to stop hurting him, which is what my goal is.
One of the many risks of falling in love, besides in-laws and herpes, is falling for someone who doesn’t love you back. At that point, you technically have two choices—not seeing them, or seeing them and knowing they don’t love you—but really one option, and that is, to feel like absolute shit.
I assume you loved your boyfriend initially, so you’re not guilty of playing with his feelings, just ceasing to return them. That’s why it’s hard not to feel guilty and responsible for this impossibly painful situation, particularly if you’re former love-partner can’t let go and pleads with you for relief, not knowing he’s actually making himself feel worse (and dragging you down with him).
What you have to remember is that you didn’t write the book of love, so you’re not responsible for the way love’s bonds form and fracture. Knowing what you know, however, you are responsible for doing your best to protect yourself and others from getting hurt. That’s why you go slow in making or inviting commitment, and try not to let the thrill of falling in love or the excitement of sex determine your decisions. That’s also why you want to be a good friend to him, although the best way to do that is by cutting him off, at least for now.
Your boyfriend tells you that it hurts less if he gets to see you, but you know he’s saying that because of immediate need, not long-term vision. Trust your own observations as you ask yourself whether contact with you is doing more good than harm to either of you. Remember, the issue isn’t whether he feels much better after seeing you, but whether, with time, he shows signs of letting go and moving on. What you observe likely jibes with your experience of what usually happens; he’s hanging on, and continued contact prolongs his agony while providing temporary relief.
If that’s the case—and you must trust your own judgment in this—good friends say good-bye. Make it clear you’re not rejecting him or expressing anger or disrespect; you’re simply doing what you think is necessary and that you have more confidence in your own judgment in this situation than in his. He might get angry or hate you for a bit, and while being hated feels pretty bad, it’s the first step to getting over you, which is good for everyone.
It’s sad that you can’t protect him from hurt, but that’s not something you control or should feel guilty about. All you can do is manage the damage as well as you can and enjoy your two less-shitty choices; learning from this experience or falling in love again without a net, risking more guilt, herpes, or worse.
STATEMENT:
“I feel guilty denying friendship to a guy I’ve hurt for no good reason and like very much, but I know his feelings are too strong to allow us to be friends and that I’m the one who must force the break-up that will allow him to move on.”
I’ve had some success as an actor and I love acting, but I’m turning 40 and I haven’t been getting any callbacks recently. My wife is very supportive, and my day job isn’t bad, but we’re always short of cash and there really isn’t enough money for all the things our kids are starting to need. I’ve got to decide whether it’s worth continuing to try to do the work I love or give up and get serious about a “real life” career. It’s depressing, but my goal is to decide.
Never believe that graduation speech bullshit about how everyone is supposed to wind up doing a job they love; maybe that happens in some fair world, but not in this one. What that graduation bloviater should have said is that doing something you love for a living is wonderful, but it’s a treat that most people don’t get to experience, except sometimes and part-time.
Given that sad fact, of course you should have pursued the possibility of an acting career and done your best to get trained, prepare for auditions, and experience rejection as almost no non-performer ever experiences it…which appears to be what you did. As an actor-survivor, you must have balls of steel.
Your goal, however, is not to pursue acting till you drop; it’s to act if you can, while respecting your other priorities, which, in your case, include partnership and parenthood. It’s natural to define success in terms of acting—getting jobs/paid, critical acclaim, and the pleasure of doing it—but it’s a much more significant success, (as well as being more frustrating and painful), to balance the pull and obsession of an acting career with your other priorities and make the compromises that fit with your values.
You’re asking yourself the right questions and now it’s time to weigh your options. On the one hand, add up your love for acting, and on the other hand, the likelihood of its providing you with a living, the time to be a parent, and your own needs for other things, like security and vacations. At some point, if time is running out and your acting prospects aren’t too hot, the time for tough decisions arrives.
Don’t scare yourself by saying “that’s the death of my dream,” or, “now I have to admit to myself that I’ve failed.” Your feelings may feed that kind of negative spiral, but your job is to know better and remind yourself that you have more than one dream, that you’ve done your best to pursue them all, and that the only control you have in life, other than trying your best, is to make hard choices realistically. That may not be how fan magazines or graduation speakers define success, but that’s the grown-up definition.
STATEMENT:
“I hate backing away from acting and I’m scared that will be the end of my career, but life is short, money is tight, and I’ve got other priorities. What makes me a responsible parent and partner is that I’m ready to make tough decisions and, if they hurt, I can take it.”
