Posted by fxckfeelings on November 24, 2014
Communication is often seen as the best diplomatic tool in domestic conflict, but if your emotional battlefield is riddled with verbal landmines, then trying to talk things out may just push the battle onto new fronts. Instead of saying what you want to say (but shouldn’t) or avoiding what you need to say (but should), find an unemotional way to talk about responsibilities and say something helpful without provoking controversy. Give yourself time, be realistic about what people don’t control, and you’ll find good things to say, even when your natural instincts would lead you further from diplomacy and into self-destruction.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: No new post on Thursday as we’ll be celebrating American Thanksgiving and enjoying the beginning of the busy misery season (Thanksgiving through Valentine’s Day). Have a good holiday, and we’ll be back on December 1st.
I’m not crazy about my son’s wife, and it really irritated me to find out that she’s very jealous and frequently checks my son’s cellphone to see if he’s had any unexplained calls. When my son comes to me for advice, I’m not sure what to do. I want to tell him the truth, which is that he married a suspicious nut who will never trust him or anyone else, but whenever I do that, it just makes their fighting worse and everybody ends up angry at me. I know I should probably just reassure him that there’s always a way to calm her down, but I don’t like to bullshit my son. My goal is to do what’s best for him without being dishonest.
Many negative human emotions, like anger, misery, and being obsessed with inane Youtube videos of pets, are understood to have a viral quality. The negative influence spreads, from one person to another, until a cat with a permanent scowl gets a Christmas special.
Unfortunately, when you become third party advisor to marital trouble, you’re dealing with that kind of negativity; it doesn’t spread so much as jump from the person complaining to whoever’s listening. It’s less of a virus and more of a parasite of the relationship-killing variety. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 17, 2014
No matter what the talking heads say, a bleeding heart is not a partisan trait, nor is it always a negative one. You don’t even have to be a registered voter to be a good, caring person, and party affiliation doesn’t determine whether you’ll care too much and take responsibility for problems that you can’t really help. Learn how to assess your responsibilities realistically, whether you embrace or reject the problem at hand. Then, when a problem comes within range of your heart, you’ll be able to decide what to do without having to blindly follow any party line.
–Dr. Lastname
My girlfriend’s father is a widower in his mid-eighties who is still physically fit and able to drive. He is a difficult man, socially awkward and uneasy in company. He fills his days by going round thrift shops and yard sales buying old books and large quantities of stuff which he does not need or use. He used to sell it, but the dealers he supplied have died or long been retired so it just mounts up, particularly since his wife died. Now his house is a mess and a lot of living space is now uninhabitable. He cannot bathe or shower as the tubs are used to store stuff. My girlfriend feels guilty and stressed, but is too busy to do anything about it. I wonder whether I can move in with her if this is a family trait. I find this sort of lifestyle depressing and off putting. She is a kind and reliable person with many good qualities. My goal is to work out a coping strategy.
Caring about other people’s problems is a good trait if you can do something to help them, but otherwise it’s a good way to cause yourself trouble you don’t need. It’s just like hoarding, except with anxiety instead of expired food and dead cats.
Before taking on responsibility for an unsolvable problem, ask yourself whether that problem is likely to cause you trouble, or whether there’s anything that really needs to be done about it. Unless your girlfriend’s father wants to use your house as a storage unit, living with his hoarder status might not be too much for you to bear. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 9, 2014
Fear, like high school and colonoscopies, is an uncomfortable-yet-necessary part of life. Problems arise, however, when fear either becomes excessive, thus limiting our life experiences, or insufficient, thus opening us up to dangerous experiences that could end our lives entirely. If your fear level is set too high or too low, draw on your experience and values to decide what actions are necessary, then manage your fear accordingly. You may not be able to change your fear level or the amount of dis/comfort it entails, but you can definitely prevent fear from changing your life for the worse.
–Dr. Lastname
I am very afraid of presenting in front of the class. I start to shake and stutter and it really happens automatically and I can’t do anything about it. Even when I don’t have to present, I always feel nervous and shy. I’m actually very afraid to talk to someone at my school even if it’s another student. Do you have any advice I can use? My goal is to be able to talk to people and stand up in from of the class without looking like an idiot.
Talking to people, especially in school, is more dangerous than most people think; one false word, sneeze, or pop culture reference, and before you know it, you’re saddled with a humiliating (possibly sneeze-related) nickname for the rest of your life or an open invitation to get your ass kicked. So, when your brain floods you with nervousness whenever you try to speak up, it’s actually trying to protect you from a dangerous activity.
Unfortunately, that fear may make you shake and stutter, thus attracting humiliation, thus proving your brain is right and making you terrified to open your mouth again, etc., perpetuating the safety/silence cycle.
You haven’t done anything wrong to make yourself nervous; you are just extra sensitive to the risks of embarrassment and rejection in school life, and you may have good reason. Unfortunately, though, it isn’t easy to make severe nervousness go away, and if you avoid class presentations and social contacts until you start to feel better, you may not learn much or talk to anyone for a long time. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 29, 2014
Pressuring somebody to care about their self-interest when they’re obsessed with something else is an often foolhardy endeavor, and not just when it comes to trying to rescue people from drugs, bad boyfriends, and Apple products (at least if you’re broke). Whether they’re too absorbed in a dysfunctional marriage or in very functional childrearing, don’t use anger or guilt to break them free. Instead, spell out why it’s necessary, regardless of the discomfort and guilt their self-restraint may cause. They will either find a personal reason for adopting your view or go back to their obsession, no matter how damaging/buggy it is.
–Dr. Lastname
My partner and I have been together more than ten years and were both in unhappy marriages when it began. My husband knew and agreed to divorce, but he only left when I gave an ultimatum. I have now moved in with my partner and his adult children are cool, but civil. It is unfair to blame me for breaking up their family as he had a previous affair and only stayed until the children grew up. I have told him that I will not tolerate being lied to and playing second fiddle to his family any longer and he now puts me first. They are not yet fully divorced but his wife has another partner. My goal is to protect our hard won happiness from the demands of others and trust that he will stay strong.
You know what you need from your fiancé, including fidelity, honesty, and being one another’s top priority, and telling your partner what you require has clearly moved him in the right direction, namely, towards you and a better future.
I assume you write, however, because you wonder if your partner’s future commitment will waver; given the amount of effort it took you to get him on course, you wonder if he’ll actually stay there. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 25, 2014
While fear usually inspires a fight or flight response, there’s also an equally unappealing third choice, “freeze,” which is when you’re too scared to move, explore your options, or even hold on to a shred of hope. In any case, once fear makes you forget your strengths and opportunities, it becomes far more dangerous than whatever you’re actually afraid of. Instead, use fear to make you think harder instead of more imaginatively about any and all forms of impending doom and you’ll usually find an effective way to handle your problem and take the fourth option in the face of fear, “calmly figuring shit out.”
–Dr. Lastname
I like my job as a hairdresser, but getting a career wasn’t easy; I had to overcome a drinking problem and a life-long learning disability that forced me to take the certification test several times before I was dry and focused enough to pass. I recently had to have oral surgery that landed me on a short course of painkillers, but when I got off I couldn’t stop shaking or crying because I became fixated on the possibility the drugs will lead me back to booze. My husband is supportive, but he doesn’t make enough money to support our family on his own, and I can’t imagine going back to work while having anxiety attacks every day. I need a way to control these attacks or I don’t know what’s going to happen to me or my family.
You may think that your brief, warranted use of a controlled substance is what’s filled you with anxiety, but it’s actually the uncontrollable fear unleashed by that experience that’s flooded you with an unwarranted, seemingly-unending amount of negative thoughts and panic.
You proved long ago that you have the strength to fight addiction and build a normal life, but anxiety is destroying the confidence you deserve. And if you keep being afraid of what you can’t control, you risk letting your life spin even further into chaos. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 18, 2014
Many relationship blow-ups are due to the most fleeting of bad moods; who knows how many divorces could have been avoided if both parties had just been well-rested, fed, and/or not stuck behind that school bus on the way home from work. The most dangerous bad moods, however, are the ones that don’t have a simple/stupid source, and if those cause someone you’re in a relationship with to push you away, you don’t have much room to negotiate. If they simply want to be alone, and have no blame to bestow, you’ll often do best to keep your distance while leaving the door open. If, on the other hand, they want to dump on you for something you know you haven’t done, use their push as a head start to get away as quickly as possible. In any case, bad moods can make relationships difficult, but moody people can make relationships impossible; stay away unless you’re good at protecting yourself and putting their moods second and your needs first.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m in high school and I’ve been very good friends with this one guy for a very long time, and he’s kind of a passive, detached person; he generally doesn’t really care that much about most things, but it really wasn’t that big of a problem. At least until recently, since he’s started acting like he doesn’t care about our friendship. I know that he isn’t worth it, but we’ve been friends for such a long time that I don’t just want to let go. When I asked him why he was so bitter, even towards me, he said that he didn’t want any friends because everything is temporary, he doesn’t care about anything, etc. Now I know it sounds cool to be like, “fuck other people, I’m alone,” but I’m afraid he’s going to end up alone and sad if he continues to be a dick like this. My goal is to make him less bitter and be my friend again.
Before you make it your goal to reclaim a lost friendship, take a second to reconsider, not because your ever-detached friend might not be worth fighting for or just doomed to a life of dick-dom, but because you probably haven’t lost his friendship in the first place.
From what he’s said, you have no reason to think his feelings about you have changed. All that has changed is his mood and attitude towards the world, which, at this time of life isn’t that unusual. That his adolescent attitude has changed in a negative/apathetic direction is even less rare. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 15, 2014
Since attention is a precious resource, it’s useful to view help like any other investment; sometimes your help pays off in the long run, even if you can’t get a good result right away, and sometimes your long-term prospects are grim and high-risk despite a good initial return. Just as you’d never invest sentimentally or impulsively, don’t get caught up in the immediate joys and frustrations of helping without first looking at the big picture and determining what you can actually accomplish and whether the benefit is worth the risk. Then you can invest wisely and with positive returns, sooner or later, for both you and those whose welfare you’re investing in.
–Dr. Lastname
I am worried that my daughter is heading for meltdown and I’m unsure how to help. Her marriage was a brief catastrophe that left her with no money and a young child. She seemed to be getting back on her feet by finding a nice place and, with my help, a new car, and she has support from family and friends. She also started a demanding new job that is out of her comfort zone–she was sick of her old job and wanted to switch careers for a long time—but now she is struggling to cope and feels back at square one with all the crying and sense of hopelessness. I suspect that returning to her old job would have had the same result, but she now feels it was a mistake to take on more stress and change, even though she needs to support her child and the work is well paid and what she always hoped to do. I have tried hard to help with practical matters and held back on unsolicited advice or judgment, but I find myself walking on eggshells for fear of getting it wrong. She is back on medication but I worry that her life is unraveling. My goal is to accept my limitations while knowing that I am doing all I can to offer support.
Parents with young children have a deep understanding of contagion, at least when it comes to the colds and infections that get picked up at the Petri dish we call school, but the real lesson comes when those children become adults. Parents might not catch their kids’ germs, but they can still get caught up in their drama.
Your daughter may feel like her life is unraveling because she is overwhelmed by motherhood and a demanding job, but don’t let her feelings infect your brain. Yes, she may wind up losing her current job, car, and temporary peace of mind, but that’s doesn’t mean she’s failing or that you have to go into crisis mode. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 11, 2014
Too often, people try to apply the koan about a tree in the woods to a mistake in their lives, i.e., if you’re fucking up but don’t acknowledge it, is it really your problem? Unfortunately, the answer isn’t just always yes, but yes, and how; avoiding a realistic look at something bad you might’ve done to someone else or yourself will often spare you the pain of immediate humiliation, guilt, or loss, but in the long run, it will cause much more. Instead of staying silent, make a sound/effort and examine the consequences and value of your actions. Then you’ll not only be able to take responsibility for your mistakes, but have some ability to make them right.
–Dr. Lastname
I have two daughters and I love my wife, so I was surprised when my older girl, who’s starting her second year of college, accused me of being sexist because of a joke I told her I liked. I admit that I don’t have a “PC” sense of humor, but I work with women I like and I’m sure they don’t think I’m sexist, so I told her she was being ridiculous, which just made her angrier. My wife then gave me a look that said she didn’t disagree with our daughter, so now I feel ambushed. My goal is to defend myself against an accusation I know is untrue from a bunch of females who are ganging up on me.
It hurts to be criticized by women who are important to you, and it makes sense that your instinct is to immediately defend yourself. The problem with a defensive reaction, however, especially when it comes to accusation of sexism, is that it reads as dismissive and patronizing. So if you think it hurts when two women you love call you sexist, imagine how those two women feel when you appear to prove them right.
You may know in your heart that you’d never treat women unfairly or target them, but plenty of people with good hearts can accidentally say and do bad things. The number one cause of offensive words and actions isn’t purposeful bigotry, but accidental ignorance; plenty of people say things that could be considered racist, but very few of them are dues-paying members of the KKK. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 8, 2014
Thanks to eBay, Antiques Roadshow, and the various fronts of the Storage Wars, it’s fairly easy to put a value on almost any object. When it comes to putting a value on our own skills, however, most of us come up dangerously short; sometimes, we overvalue our services in an unreceptive market or undervalue them in order to make sacrifices for the needs of others. Fortunately, if you pay more attention to your needs and the market than to your emotions, you can assess your professional worth without the need of an expert or auctioneer.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m glad my sons took over the family restaurant, because I really don’t want to work so hard now that I’m in my fifties, but I care about the business and still want to contribute to its success. The trouble is that they’re a bit like my ex-husband—they get very overbearing and negative about any suggestion I have to offer—so even though I’ve got a nice office at the restaurant and go there every day, I feel useless. I have ideas and expertise, but I’m just waiting for my chance to contribute. My goal is to find a way to make my sons feel more comfortable about my suggestions, so they can continue to grow the business and learn to respect their mother’s ideas.
While being of an older generation can get you respect in most families—at least if the younger generation is out of their teens—the opposite is true in business. As in art or music, a successful business-person is more apt to get due praise from the next generation after he or she is gone, not necessarily from this earth, but just from the office.
It’s a shame that your sons can’t take advantage of your restaurant management experience, but like a lot of people new to leadership, they seem determined to prove and distinguish themselves by doing things their own way. Any attempt to impart wisdom may seem less like genuine interest and more like interference. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 4, 2014
For something that’s both incredibly intangible and subjective, potential is remarkably admired. At least money can buy you lunch and loved ones can share dessert; potential is usually only valuable in absentia, when you’re either mourning it’s loss or praying for it’s arrival. Instead of pining for how you could have been, or used to be, a “contender,” stay focused on meeting your daily priorities with the things that have actual value, like work, friendships, and family. Whether your potential was really lost or was never there to lose, you can always respect what you’ve done if it’s worthwhile and ignore what could have been.
–Dr. Lastname
I used to believe in seizing the day and not thinking too much about the future, but now that I’m in my sixties, I find the things that bother me just don’t go away— seizing the day is too hard, and thinking about the future too painful. I’ve got bad knees that make it very hard to climb stairs or get through an airport without a wheelchair and my monthly medications cost serious money. Feeling helpless is the first step to feeling hopeless, so I find myself thinking depressing thoughts and feeling depressed a lot of the time. My goal is to figure out a way to not let pain and negative thinking wear me down.
When you rely on a “seize the day” philosophy to get the most out of life, you often forget that many days have nothing much to seize. On other days, you may be forced to seize moments of eating shit and compromising in order to keep your promises or protect your future security. Crap-e Diem, indeed.
If seizing the day is what really matters, then yes, as you get older, there’s less that’s new and exciting, and your seizing opportunities are fewer. If, on the other hand, you also value the less glorious and not always enjoyable parts of life, like making a living, raising kids, and being a friend, then aging just means there’s less to seize and more to savor. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
