Posted by fxckfeelings on April 6, 2015
Unless you’re a GPS, a chess robot, or a politician, it’s likely that, when it comes to relationships, passion motivates your decision-making more than strategic interests. That’s why we want to reward betrayal with rejection and neediness with nurturing; unfortunately, we forget that caring for and managing our own lives are our primary responsibilities, as well as far more under our control. So put reactive feelings aside until you’ve decided what is most likely to meet your self-responsibilities; that will usually be the more meaningful, most carefully plotted course of action, in the long run, than reacting to what’s been done to you.
–Dr. Lastname
I owe my mentor a huge amount—he stuck by me through a long period of unemployment and repeatedly wrote me terrific recommendations—and I thought I’d landed in heaven when he finally arranged for me to work directly for him doing large-company sales, which is what I’ve always wanted, at a time when I needed work more than ever since my youngest daughter got sick. So I was shocked to discover that, once I started working for him, he was often belittling, critical, and frequently humiliating. I’ve asked around (discretely, of course) and found out that other people also think he’s often overbearing and mean; he’s actually been spoken to about it, but he’s so good at what he does that no one is going to fire him. I guess I should feel better that his treatment isn’t personal, but it still feels like a bit of a betrayal to have this man who’s always given me so much support become a source of daily opposition. So my goal is to figure out what to do with him and this job.
Don’t let yourself be distracted by your feelings for what must feel like a betrayal; yes, you should stand up for yourself and you have a right to feel hurt and furious, but standing up for yourself doesn’t mean standing up to anyone else.
That’s an oxymoronic idea that makes your feelings for an abusive Asshole more important than your own values and strategic goals, and thus makes you a slave to their Asshole-ishness. Just because he hurts your feelings doesn’t mean you have to let him hurt your career.
Your goal then isn’t to figure out what to do with your nasty mentor—his views and behavior don’t even matter to management—but to figure out what’s best for yourself, your sick kid, your healthy kids, etc. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 2, 2015
When faced with a seemingly insurmountable issue—an illness, personality flaw, really ugly feet—most people think that getting to the bottom of that issue and finding an answer of some kind is their ultimate goal, when in reality, it’s just the beginning. Too often, they’re actually looking for someone to blame or focusing on one small problem and ignoring the big picture. So don’t let helplessness guide your assumptions, your searches, or your choices in footwear. Ask yourself what answers you’re really looking for and whether you actually know more or less than you think you do and, given that knowledge, whether anything other than life is really to blame.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t stand seeing how depressed my husband is, and no medication seems to help. Several things he tried were very promising at first but then pooped out or quickly caused side effects that made him even more miserable. I can’t get a straight answer from his doctors as to why they’re not working or whether his symptoms are from his illness or being over-medicated. No one seems to know what they’re doing, or what to try, or why the medication isn’t working, or when to stop when they’re not working…I feel really lost. My goal is to find some way to get his treatment on track.
When treatment doesn’t work, it’s natural to feel helpless and look for an explanation. Both fortunately and unfortunately, for most psychiatric problems, the answer is simple– treatment often doesn’t work.
Remember, the scientific meaning for “effective” is “better than nothing,” not “usually works.” And when “better than nothing” translates to “maybe less terrible than normal,” it’s easy to feel effectively screwed. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 16, 2015
For most people, or at least those that aren’t evil, cyborgs, and/or hardcore Libertarians, it’s instinctive to want to help someone close to us when they’re down on themselves and their lives. Unfortunately, it’s also instinctive to want to hurt those same people if they won’t hear your advice or are faking helplessness in the first place. Avoid wasting time, effort, and needless anger by not feeling obliged to repeat help that isn’t really helpful. You may be more helpful by reminding them of their choices, assuming they have the strength to cope with them, and reminding yourself that being a not-cyborg doesn’t mean you can help everyone.
–Dr. Lastname
My baby brother is having a tough time with his wife, and he’s willing to tell me how her drinking is screwing up their family, but it’s amazing how quickly he can go from talking shit about her to defending her if I even tried to agree with him. Not that I would ever try or tell him to leave, because he always tends to do the opposite of what I suggest, anyway (just in general, but especially when it comes to her). Plus he really loves her and thinks he can change her, so he keeps on telling me what he told her and how it ended in a big fight, and then I think to myself how not surprising her reaction is and how she’s never going to change, but I just have to bite my tongue. I’m getting really sick of hearing about how crazy she makes him, and even more sick of not being able to say anything. My goal is to get him to see that she’s ruining his life before his endless bitching ruins mine.
You may feel you’re being called on to provide emotional support for your brother, given all the emotion he lays upon you. Unfortunately, given his reaction to your attempts at support, you think he doesn’t want your honest thoughts as much as he just wants a captive audience.
Were he to let you help him with his problems, you could tell him you feel his pain, second his assertions, and, given your level of empathy, tell him what you would do. It would be a win-win reaction, because you could help him to both feel better and change the subject.
Unfortunately, your brother doesn’t seem to want your help or to stop bitching, and, like you said, you don’t want to hear it anymore. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 2, 2015
We’ve said many times that it rarely feels right to do the right thing, and vice versa; that’s why making a smart commitment can feel horrifying while using heroin can feel super terrific. So when you have a tough decision to make, don’t pay too much attention to how comfortable your choice makes you, or those around you, feel. Consult your values and do what’s right, and prepare to live with discomfort if that’s what being smart/sober requires.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m very happy with my marriage, and my wife isn’t pressuring me to have children, but I know she’d like them and time is running out. I have nothing against having kids—we’ve got enough money, and there’s nothing I think is more important in my life—but I’ve always been anxious, and I know that having kids will make me even more stressed out. I’ll always be worrying that we’re doing the wrong thing, because that’s the way my mind works. My wife thinks I’ll be OK, but I know that my self-doubts never stop. My goal is to figure out a way I can be comfortable having kids.
Very few people know with 100% clarity that it’s time to have kids, and most of those have an outside source, from a cult leader to a positive pregnancy test, making the call for them. Since very few anxious people are ever 100% sure about anything, however, not even a fetus or a Svengali is guaranteed to set your mind straight.
As you describe yourself, you’ve always been too stressed to think about what you’d like to do, focusing more on your worry about whether or not you’ll do things wrong. That may make it hard for you to get enthusiastic about starting a family (or anything else, for that matter). WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 22, 2015
If there was an ancient koan about self-destructive people, it would probably question whether the constant screw-ups are caused by making crazy decisions, or failing to make good ones (and maybe a leaf and stream would be involved). Unfortunately, some actively self-destructive people are the way they are, and some passive failures just can’t be who they should be. So, if you’re perplexed by someone who can’t do right or can’t avoid doing wrong, don’t assume you can help or that they can help themselves. Take a careful look at their ability to accept help and do better before deciding whether help is possible, blame deserved, and certain riddles (and people) would best be left alone.
–Dr. Lastname
My sister has always had a lot of struggles in her life, starting from when she came out at a young age and lost our mother soon after. My dad has given her a lot of support financially over the years and continues to do so, even though she’s got a partner (male) and a baby whom we all adore and look after any chance we get. Here is where the rest of the family and I are starting to get concerned; ever since my niece was born, my sister smokes pot daily with the baby right beside her, and recently she’s been making some rash decisions: breaking up with her partner who loves her and supports her; dating a woman with a history of being unstable and bringing her to their house; and planning to move out although she has no job/income. The whole situation is starting to take its toll on my aging dad (who is very involved in the care of her child) as well as the rest of the family, and if anyone tries to broach our concerns with her she explodes into a rage. Ultimately I think the root of the problem is the pot addiction (maybe combined with the anti-depressants), her unwillingness to quit smoking, and the fact that our nephew is affected. We are all at a loss as to what to do and how to approach it for fear of alienating her and thus our nephew, but we need to set some boundaries around our support for her. Or, do we stay out and let her live her life, meanwhile watching how it affects our nephew and divides the family? Our goal is to figure out how to offer help without getting cut off and heartbroken.
Unfortunately, you’re right in assuming that your sister will probably respond negatively to any limits you place on her. In short, if you imply that she’s fucking up her life, she’ll say fuck you, but with you and your family cut off, your niece will be extra fucked over.
The key to not making things worse as you try to help is remembering that some people are just like that and can’t be rescued. You can be sure that your sister’s messing up her life because she’s designed to do just that; she’s a human wrecking ball, but nobody’s at the controls. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 15, 2015
When it comes to navigating through problems in a relationship, you can’t always trust your ability to recognize the difference between major issues that can be worked through and those which mark the end of your journey altogether. Even if you can see what terrain lies ahead, there may still be no clear route to getting past the issue. So don’t assume you should have an intuitive relationship GPS to tell you how to overcome problems and know which are predictable or your fault. When things go wrong, re-analyze your plans and prepare to accept sudden changes to your destination.
–Dr. Lastname
After some rocky years, I’ve worked hard to build a supportive relationship with my son, but I’m worried about his new girlfriend. He’s crazy about her, and she seems to like him, but she was so surprisingly critical of him and everyone else at our first meeting that I left feeling very worried. He explained afterwards that she’s very sensitive because she was abused and that she’d made it clear to him that she was sorry that she had lashed out, but that didn’t do much to ease my concerns. Then again, if I asked him why she treats him badly and why he puts up with it, he would just stop talking to me. But if I say nothing, I’m worried I will lose him to a very unhappy relationship with a difficult woman. My goal is to save him from rejection or worse without possibly sacrificing what we’ve struggled to maintain.
Any time parents take on the responsibility of saving their kids, there’s often a huge sacrifice involved, i.e., a savings account, a kidney, or, if you’re literally taking a bullet for your kid, a pulse.
Thankfully, saving your kid from a bad relationship need not be your responsibility, nor must it require a huge sacrifice of any kind, from losing your life to your fragile relationship with your son. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 12, 2015
Like dental surgery, high school, and Bar Mitzvahs, humiliation can be pretty painful, but it’s not always a good thing to avoid. Sure, it sometimes makes you reactive to people and values that don’t really deserve your attention, but other times it alerts you to the fact that you’ve been acting like a jerk and need to change. So, before fighting the fact that you looked or done bad, judge your own behavior to know whether it’s time to clean up your act, or just pay attention to doing what you think is right. Then you’ll gain something from your suffering, even if it’s just knowledge and not passage into manhood.
–Dr. Lastname
Christmas day turned into a nightmare this year because I failed to set a clear boundary with my adult kids, and the fall out has set me back on antidepressants. My soon-to-be ex-husband chose to spend the entire holiday with the family of the woman he had a long affair with. I have tried to be civil to her and my kids have met her for the sake of their father, but when my daughter wanted to set up a Skype session with her dad from my house, it was a step too far for me. My protests were overruled, and it all got worse when one of my other kids became angry and refused to participate, which led to un unpleasant atmosphere and bickering. I intervened only to realize that the woman and my ex could see me and hear what was going on. I felt humiliated and very angry to be put in this situation in my own home. The day was wrecked for all of us and I did not help by getting drunk and overturning the tree. I wish to be able to have minimal contact with my ex while accepting that my kids want him in their lives. My goal is to avoid triggers like this by setting firm and clear boundaries, knowing my limits, and having a coping strategy to maintain self-control.
It’s always hard to set boundaries if you don’t know what you’re setting them for; most middle eastern countries were given fairly arbitrary boundaries, so it’s not surprising that that region and your Christmas experience have an eerily similar level of conflict.
Your intended boundaries may be more purposeful than those given to Pakistan, but if your purpose is to avoid humiliation, then you’re giving top priority to the way you look to other people. Particularly to your ex-husband’s soon-to-be new wife, and she’s the last person whose importance, or even streamed image, you want to amplify. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 8, 2015
Unless you’re a robot, lobotomized, or the anti-cable news pundit, it’s impossible to assess a situation without some level of inherent, personal bias. It’s especially difficult if you’re assessing your own decisions; your judgment will appear consistently poor if you’re self-critical, or consistently justified if you’re critical of everyone else. Whatever your nature, don’t leave self-judgment to your reflexes; regardless of whether you tend to blame yourself, others, or both, take time to measure the moral value of your actions, particularly when life forces you to make compromises. Then act accordingly by protecting yourself when you deserve it, and making improvements when that’s what you should do, so you push your bias towards doing what’s best.
–Dr. Lastname
My ex-husband isn’t a bad guy, but he was and is a drinker who much prefers hanging out at the bar with the boys. We get along OK though, so we still live in the same house because we can stand to and it’s best for the kids. Lately, however, I haven’t had my usual energy due to my Crohn’s disease, and it bothers me. I always do OK at my full-time job and I never mess up caring for the kids, but I’ve been letting some of the household cleaning chores slide, and my ex has been giving me a hard time about it. I know I’m fucking up, so his criticism really gets to me. My goal is to find a way to restore my energy or at least get him to be more understanding of my condition.
Even if you and your ex are technically apart, it’s nice to keep things peaceful and together for the kids’ sake. It’s not nice, however, if the arrangement is putting so much pressure on you that you’re coming apart at the seams.
If you focus too much on responding to criticism and forget about whether you do or don’t deserve it, you take responsibility for shit you don’t control. And just because your ex can’t control his drinking doesn’t mean you can’t control your reaction to his complaints. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 22, 2014
Freaking out is good for your health in the moment if you’re facing a lion, zombie, or Beyonce, but if the moment passes and the freak-out doesn’t, then you’ve got problems. Some people then freak out about freaking out and see nothing but dark clouds sweeping in, while others shut the world out entirely and create a darkness of their own. In either case, if you don’t want fear to run your life, learn to assess your real risks and actual strengths. Then you can face anything from scary thoughts to American royalty without freaking out too much and feeling like your life is over.
–Dr. Lastname
Over the last few years, my panic attacks have been getting worse and nothing seems to work. So far, I’ve been able to hold it together and do my job, but I often have to hide in the bathroom for short periods in order to catch my breath and talk myself off the ledge. Valium helps a bit, but I have to be careful not to take it regularly or I’ll get addicted, which I’m very frightened of happening because addiction runs in my family. Other medication hasn’t helped, nor have changes to my diet and exercise routine, so I’m getting scared and desperate. My goal is to find a psychiatrist who can help me before anxiety ruins my life.
When you’re prone to experiencing random episodes of intense, meaningless fear that make your heart race, your throat close up, and your brain tell you the world is ending, it’s hard to be optimistic. They don’t call them panic attacks because they make you freak out about how great your future will be.
On top of that, panic attacks have no cure and, as you get older, anxiety tends to get worse. So, while it’s not surprising if you see the light at the end of the tunnel as either a train, a laser cannon, or the fires of hell itself, you have good reason for hope. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 15, 2014
As with nuclear waste, old hard drives and used take-out containers, there’s no clear way to dispose of unpleasant thoughts; some people feel like nasty feelings should be buried and ignored, and others that they must be purged and shared in order to be expunged. In actuality, feelings often aren’t unworthy even when they make you feel vaguely guilty, and don’t need airing even when they whine at the door and ask to be released. Before you decide whether your thoughts are hazmat grade, weigh them against your values and the consequences of self-expression. Often, you’ll find they don’t need to purged, just safely ignored.
–Dr. Lastname
After 25 years of happy marriage and three great kids together, I lost my wife to cancer two years ago. I think I’m ready to find another partner at this point, but I felt weird the other day when a co-worker suggested he set me up with a friend and I said I wasn’t ready. The truth is, I know a bit about her and, though she’s a nice person, she’s been struggling to find fulltime work for a few years now and there’s no way I could afford my current lifestyle if I had to support a partner. My goal is to figure out whether there’s something wrong with putting money ahead of love.
Having raised three kids and nursed a wife through cancer, you know that money isn’t the enemy of love— life is.
Life throws trouble at you, like medical problems and tuition, and love is what helps you give things their proper priority and makes you hurt when you can’t do as much as you’d like.
If you had no one to love in your life, and no better opportunity to find someone to share it with, then you might have good reason to sacrifice wealth and stability for a loving partnership. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
