Posted by fxckfeelings on June 14, 2010
While most people have multifaceted personalities (or should), there are an unlucky group whose personalities aren’t so much nuanced as they are binary; fewer shades of grey, more Jeckyll and Hyde. If you’re dealing with someone who’s double sided, or trying to hide a part of yourself from the world, it can feel like a never ending battle to reconcile and/or expose both halves. Occasionally, it’s worth exposing your secret side to end your own torment. Other times, it’s better to let people keep their Mr. Hydes to themselves if it means keeping their drama out of your own life.
–Dr. Lastname
Most people thing my mom is really fun, if a little flaky and emo, but they don’t see how crazy and mean she gets when there’s no one around but my brother and me (my parents are divorced). When she’s in a bad mood, she tells us we’ve been mean to her, and reminds us of things we’ve said that hurt her, and tells us how bad we are until we’ve apologized, and then she forgets it ever happened. There’s one cousin who’s seen what she gets like and I rely on him to remind me that it’s OK, she’s crazy, but the other day he seemed charmed by her and then, when I complained, he told me I had to get over her and not be so angry, and now I feel totally unsupported. My goal is to get someone to understand what’s going on.
Nothing gets people more stirred up than dramatically pitched false accusations and punishments by a powerful, inescapable, totally two-faced authority, like your mama.
The good news is that, while you’ve got the makings of a perfect soap opera, it sounds like you’re not getting swept away by it.
The trouble with soap operas, of course, is that they trap the good guys into endless rounds of angry, hurt reactions to crazy bad guys. In the process, they take up huge amounts of time and energy for tears and talk, talk, talk before, finally, there’s a glimmer of comfort and validation…before the cycle starts all over again.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on June 10, 2010
Being a big dreamer is a mixed bag; sure, some people aim high and soar high, but many of us are too distracted to ever take off, or attempt to take off just to crash-land. The sad fact is, not all of us are meant to take flight, but there’s no shame in making the best of what you’ve got here on the ground.
–Dr. Lastname
On the plus side, I’m a pretty ambitious person; I have lots of dreams for different careers, adventures, academic pursuits, you name it. The problem is that I have problem with following through. Sure, it’s not easy to chase your dreams when you have a young kid (whom you’re raising alone), but I was like this before I had a baby, and now that I do have a child, I feel more compelled than ever to do something with my life and be a good example. I want to follow through with getting my masters in anything and making a good living, showing my kid that you can do anything you want. My goal is to finally follow through.
No matter how much you wish you could follow through more, you gotta ask yourself whether you’re a follow-through kind of person or not.
Some people just aren’t, so a congratulations/you’re screwed might be in order.
Maybe you believe the popular myth that everyone can be a follow-through person by just concentrating harder on following through, making an inspiration board and buying a dream-catcher something. Don’t. Not very inspiring, but the truth’s the truth.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 27, 2010
True love isn’t the kind of thing that brings two people together in perfect harmony, at least outside of “The Princess Bride.” In our world, it’s what happens when life makes perfect harmony impossible, and two people find a way to step around the bad parts and hang onto the good. Inconceivable, but true.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t want to break up with my girlfriend, but I know that I can’t really be with her, either. We can’t live in the same city, for one thing, because I have a grown child, grandkids, and a business I rely on and can’t move. She and I first met in college, but drifted apart, then married other people. We have great chemistry and I’m really happy that I found her again and could recapture part of what we once had; we talk every day, visit monthly, and I get along with her kids and family. The problem is that we can never live in the same place, and I know how much she wants a live-in partner, and I’m sure that, as she realizes our relationship can’t go forward, she’ll drift away. My goal is to keep our relationship from falling apart for the second time in my life, but I don’t know how to do it.
You’ve got a girlfriend you’ve known for decades whom you still love, accept and want to see. If that isn’t success, I don’t know what is. Seriously.
Yes, for various reasons beyond your control, you can’t live in the same city, and there’s always a chance that she’ll find someone who can and he’ll steal your true-love away. There’s also a chance Megan Fox will call you up and ask you out, but I wouldn’t plan your life around it.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 24, 2010
Parent/child conflicts can get particularly brutal when people are scared for and determined to save one another. Emotions run stronger, stakes are higher, and the gloves are never on. Instinctively, kids and parents fight for control and submission, and regard it as defeat to accept a new reality and get over it. The reason the instinct is so foolish is because control is impossible, so the battle becomes endless. Conflicts like these need to be handled with great care; they must call them kid gloves for a reason.
–Dr. Lastname
When my mother starting dating my soon-to-be-step-father, I was upset. It’s not just that my father had only died six months earlier, but that this guy was clearly a user and a nowhere near good enough for her. I’m in college, so at least I didn’t have to live under the same roof as this jerk, but I’ve already gone out of my way to avoid him and it’s really annoyed my mom that I haven’t tried to get along with him. Plus it means I’ve spent last time with her, and we used to be really close. When she told me they were going to get married, I freaked out, and now she’s says that if that’s how I feel then I’m not invited to the wedding. I think what my mom and I need is a face-off to get everything on the table and sort out this mess. My goal is to get my mom back.
You’ve got every reason to worry about your mother’s taste in men and its impact on your relationship; after all, her choice has the potential to cause you (and possibly her) great pain, at a time when you’re grieving your father’s death.
Unfortunately, however, all you can do is worry, and after that, you’re fucked. There’s nothing you can do to make things better and lots to make things worse.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 20, 2010
Writing looks easy; after all all you need is pen, paper, and maybe a table at Starbucks. Then there’s inspiration and an interesting topic. Plus a fully functioning brain, a supportive audience, and, of course, shitloads of luck. Oh, and a trust fund. It’s no wonder then that writing and depression dance a delicate pas de deux with one another, and that torturing yourself for not “succeeding” as a creative mind is a pretty useless, uncreative punishment.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m an older woman with two advanced degrees in creative writing (one from Iowa, la di da). My career, on the other hand, hasn’t risen beyond doing commercial writing, be it technical or ad copy. I get published in small journals here and there, but after my first novel got a handful of rejections, my agent dropped me, and I haven’t been able to finish another novel in order to get a new agent and sell the first. My limited number of published pieces has also made it hard to get a teaching job, even though I got degree number 2 specifically to enter academia. So now I’m stuck working in advertising, and while it’s a good steady job that pays well, it still kills me a bit inside. Nevermind that I’ve absolutely struggled with depression my whole life, and while I take a handful of medications to control it, it’s just an added level of difficulty. Nonetheless, with my illness under control but my dream still very much out of control, my goal is to make this job work so I can settle and maybe even be happy.
You could say writing is a stupid career choice, given the unlikelihood of making money, and that academia isn’t much better, given the current job market. It’s as stupid as counting on a career in the NBA because you’re good at basketball.
The truth is, a large part of being a writer isn’t a matter of choice; it’s who you are, and trying to find a life that fits. It’s not so much a bad choice as a bum calling, with inspiration necessary but never promising to come when called.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 17, 2010
Some of the more interesting personality traits a person can have push hard against the constraints of fidelity; for example, the truly gregarious can’t limit themselves to charming just one person for the rest of their lives. Then again, those traits don’t make being faithful impossible, so before you make assumptions about these traits, be they yours or your partners, give yourself a chance to see if they can be managed, and have been managed, and whether managing them is worth the trouble. The management effort may never be easy, but nobody ever said fidelity was a breeze, and if they did, they were just trying to be charming.
–Dr. Lastname
I love how open-hearted and caring my girlfriend is, but I wish she’d be a little bit more selective with who she cares for. Specifically, she’s still in close contact with her ex-boyfriend, his friends, and even his family. I know she’s not interested in him anymore—he has a wife—but they have a large enough presence in her life that I’m jealous, just, well, creeped out. For example, this past winter we had to go to her ex’s parents’ anniversary dinner, which was limited to close family and us. What were we doing there besides feeling awkward (or really, was that just me)? I love this woman and want to marry her, but I don’t want to inherit her ex and his clan as in-laws. My goal is to get her to put up some fences in her personal life.
Remember Dr. Lastname’s first theory of relationships: your partner is who s/he is, and you are who you are. Then add up the pros and cons of partnership while not letting false hopes elbow reality aside.
Plug your situation into that model, and you get your goal. Don’t try to get your socially over-connected girlfriend to put up fences. Instead, figure out whether her style is likely to work for you.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 13, 2010
Some people think self-improvement begins with first finding your faults and then hating the crap out of them and yourself. In reality, hating your faults is a perverse feel-good, like chewing on a canker sore. Attacking yourself, or even those close to you, just kicks someone when when they’re down and makes self-improvement that much more difficult. If you want to improve yourself, improve your tactics, because there are better ways to get better.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve been a complete, stinking failure since I graduated from college. My job pays well, but I hate it with a passion because I’m treated like shit. Then again, I don’t have the skills to find anything better, though I’ve tried. My drinking has kept my girlfriend from moving in, and, since I’ve never loved anyone else, that means I’ve never had a relationship that works. I don’t really have friends because I’m too nervous to let anyone really know me and I work too hard to meet anyone (at that job that sucks). Now I wonder whether I’m being honest with you, or just whining and slinging bullshit. My goal is to be someone else.
It never ceases to amaze me how people who launch into the most brutal monologues of self-criticism would never allow their friends to talk such shit about themselves in their presence. The only thing they truly fail at is holding themselves to the same standards they hold others.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 10, 2010
Everyone wants a feel-good, look-good family, but most of us relate to the more familiar feel-bad families on TV (which look good, and feel better by the end of the show). Still, there’s a difference between your average dysfunctional family unit and your genetic/step-parent clusterfuck. When your family situation is in truly bad shape, you’ve got to be tough enough to accept what you’ve got, then focus on making the best of those impossible relationships, outsider opinions be damned. Unlike those TV families, real problems don’t get solved after a half-hour, not everybody’s pretty, and you have to ignore your ratings with the audience.
–Dr. Lastname
I need to stay married because, while I work a pretty demanding job, my wife stays at home and watches our two kids, whom she adores. The problems are, however, (and there are many): she doesn’t work because of a migraine disorder that’s so debilitating that she’s on disability, and she takes too many non-prescription pain pills for those headaches, and, while they don’t make her a bad parent (I know the kids are safe), they often make her, in your words, a really needy, grumpy asshole and an impossible woman to be married to. I never know when she’s going to kick me out of the bedroom, scream at me in front of friends, or nod off after dinner. Needless to say, she won’t try marriage counseling or cutting back on the pills and thinks I’m bullying her if I suggest we have a problem. I can’t leave her, because it’d break the kids’ hearts, plus, like I said, she provides childcare, which is not something I could afford on my salary, and if I lost custody of the kids, I’d be in a worse hell than I am now. I know I can’t leave, but I don’t think I can live like this much longer. My goal is to find a better way to survive.
You’ve got good marital reasons for staying vs. leaving (the kids, the kids, the kids, and money, but also, the kids). There’s no escaping the fact, however, that her headache is infectious, and you’ve got it, too.
You’ve obviously built up a good, solid tolerance for living with your wife’s problems without fighting all the time, and your values and perspective are great. Which is why you probably already know that your goal is impossible.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 6, 2010
New technologies and the breakdown of old conventions have created more sexual opportunities and freedom, but really, the basics haven’t changed. Being of clear and honorable intentions might seem old fashioned, but the misguided lust, loneliness and guilt that can taint those intentions are downright Biblical. New conventions just mean new rules; just because love feels chaotic doesn’t mean relationships should be.
–Dr. Lastname
Last fall, I started hooking up with a girl who’s been a friend of mine since freshman year. It wasn’t anything serious, just your average friends with benefits deal, and neither one of us ever talked about her being my girlfriend or anything “real.” What I never knew before though is that this girl gets really depressed, and when she got really sick this winter, I was there for her because that’s what I’d do for any friend, whether we’re hooking up or not. She’s better now, but I’m kind of confused as to what’s happening between us. Sometimes I think I want to be her boyfriend, but I’m not sure I’m really that into her, and I don’t think she wants that from me, and at this point everything’s just really awkward and weird. I just want to know where we stand, or what I should do.
People often choose to be “friends with benefits” (FWB) because it seems easier than committing to a relationship, but don’t be so sure.
Having a FWB is like playing a fretless guitar that seems to offer musical freedom, but is actually more likely to produce noise unless you really know what you’re doing. In other words, don’t attempt a FWB situation unless you’ve learned what the rules are and can stick with them. It’s not for those who haven’t mastered their instrument.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 3, 2010
Poor, well-meaning, dedicated therapists and the patients who love/destroy them. After all, it’s enticing to let someone persuade you that you’re their guardian angel and the only therapist that can help. It’s a fun ride for everyone, at least until you realize that you’re responsible for something you don’t control, and they’re even less responsible than before for dealing with reality as it is. While this is a shrink-based site, we are the first to admit that therapists are not perfect people, especially when they get in in their heads that they actually are.
–Dr. Lastname
I have a 30-year-old patient whom I’ve been seeing in weekly psychotherapy for 6 months and he had a terrible history of sexual and physical abuse and years in state care. Amazingly, despite all his trauma and several prior failed treatments, he settled into a trusting relationship with me. He tells me I’m the first person he’s bonded with, and he’s been able to stop using cocaine, and, for the first time, sees some hope for himself. The problem is that he just got a new job, and I’m not covered by his new insurance plan. He wrote me a letter telling me how much he feels his recovery depends on continuing the treatment we’ve started and I feel professionally obliged to put his welfare ahead of my financial needs, but I’d like to get paid. My goal is to do right by my patient, and not trigger the feelings of abandonment that underlie much of his negative behavior, but I’m not sure how long I can afford to see him for nothing.
There are many therapists who believe the best thing you can do for a troubled patient like this is to “be there,” providing the steady acceptance and secure relationship that they need for healing. I’m not one of them.
The sad fact is that the healing power of currently available treatments is vastly over-rated and a good example of false hope and the harm it can cause.
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