Posted by fxckfeelings on March 31, 2011
On a good day, the average person makes about 10 mistakes. Slight screw-ups are annoying, but not exactly indicative of one’s character. Major screw-ups, on the other hand, deserve some consideration; they’re the kind where you don’t mess up by doing something incorrectly, but by correctly doing something that’s wrong. When it comes to evaluating todays mistakes, it’s important to distinguish between not double checking your work and not double checking your values.
–Dr. Lastname
An email I intended to send to one person, I mistakenly sent to another. As a result, I have managed to obliterate, in one push of a button, what feels like my entire world. Yea, I know this sounds overly dramatic, but honestly, even after attempting to make things right with the people involved, things will never be right. I can’t figure out how to get over, under or through the degree of self hatred I now have for being such a complete f*ckup. I’m human, mistakes happen blah blah blah, but that’s no comfort to me since the people involved aren’t interested in any sort of apology. How do I ever forgive myself??
There’s a big difference between self-forgiveness as a feeling, and self-forgiveness as a moral judgment. After all, there’s a big difference between doing wrong and doing dumb.
Having committed a stupid but not malicious act that’s fractured relationships forever, you don’t have any reason to ask forgiveness of yourself, because you’ve committed no crime. Shazzam, you’re absolved. Dr. Lastname absolves thee! Tada!
If you don’t feel better, I’m not surprised, because your self-accusation isn’t moral, it’s chagrin over bad luck and rejection by someone you care about. Sadly, that’s proclamation proof.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on February 10, 2011
Those of us who make our livings from human interaction wouldn’t turn much of a profit if people weren’t so sensitive to what others were thinking. When you sense that those thoughts aren’t positive, it’s hard to overcome the hurt and anger and remember what you were after in the first place. If, however, you can put aside any thought of expressing negative feelings and stick to your own script, you can avoid the pitfalls of being over perceptive (and save money on my services).
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve run a small non-profit for 20 years and always enjoyed a good relationship with my board, but the new chairman, who’s a nice guy, has started to drive me crazy. We should be working closely together on a search for the new chief financial officer, but instead this guy seems to be waiting until the last minute and does nothing to keep me in the loop. I want to let him know I’m upset with the way he’s been avoiding and ignoring my input and get the search process back on track. My goal is to regain control at work and get the respect I deserve after two decades at this job.
Life is an endless series of assaults on your respect. Your kids don’t respect you, your Starbucks cashier doesn’t respect you, the people who write ads for the Superbowl certainly don’t respect you. Alas.
So, no matter how much right you have to feel disrespected, and how hard it is to ignore the feeling, disrespect is not the issue you should be addressing, or really bother addressing, ever.
As the wise Carrie Fisher once said, “resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Focusing on this other guy and his perceived slights just distracts you from your own agenda.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on December 27, 2010
Maybe, on an animal level, disrespect is a challenge to our status in the herd that must be met with immediate, overwhelming attack, or we lose out. What an emotional reaction to disrespect usually results in, however, is more conflict and more power to the disrespecter. Take disrespect as a chance to see whether you measure up to your own standards and, if you do, your defense will become simple and require no huffing, puffing, or drama around the watering hole.
–Dr. Lastname
PLEASE NOTE: The next new post will be 1/3/11. Have a happy New Year’s Eve, but for our sake, an unhappy new year overall. (Not really.)
I get no respect and nothing but criticism at home, and only an idiot would stick around. My teen-age daughter complains loudly, to anyone who will listen, including holiday dinner guests, that I was never there for her, and my wife treats her as if she’s a sensitive soul who needs understanding and shouldn’t be contradicted. I think my daughter is verbally abusive, disrespectful, and embarrassing, and that my wife encourages her. As a practicing physician, I have no trouble finding respect at work; at home, I’m chopped liver. Tell me why I shouldn’t leave.
I’ll take your word that you’re a doctor, because your need for respect makes you sound more like a drug dealing thug from “The Wire.”
Disrespect might make you feel like you’re being perceived as weak, but that’s nothing compared to telling yourself, or anyone else, that criticism or disrespect is driving you out of your house.
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