Posted by fxckfeelings on February 20, 2014
Some parents are gluttons for responsibility and guilt, while others are just regular gluttons for video games and donuts, but neither instinct necessarily leads to good home management. To raise a child while both honoring other responsibilities and occasionally indulging some pleasures requires you to create priorities and stick with them, whether they feel good or not. You may sometimes need to frustrate those who depend on you, and sometimes yourself, but your goal—as with any diet, nutritional or behavioral—is to figure out a balance that will work and just stick with it.
–Dr. Lastname
About a year ago, I found a rental for my parents, sister, spouse, and my baby to live in. My parents and sister were living with my aunt prior to the move, but things were not going so well there and I was a new, panicked mother seeking support, so I thought all of us living together would be the perfect solution. Before getting into it, I was fully aware that my mother had a gambling addiction and my stepfather was in and out of a job. They have always been financially irresponsible and neglectful in general when it came to other responsibilities. Well, I feel miserable here and I want to leave, but there is this overwhelming amount of guilt I feel. I know I shouldn’t feel responsible in any way, but I am the only person here who wants to build a better future, and I feel like they cannot have one without me. My mom works 40 hours a week with terrible health issues and has lost some of her teeth, so she feels sick all the time and has very low self-esteem. Because I love her so much, I can’t help but feel an overwhelming amount of sympathy. She hasn’t gambled as much as she use to. Probably because I started to when we moved in together, had a small gambling addiction myself, then I banned myself from the casino. It may have woken her up a bit, but we are still broke. My spouse and I have to constantly pay for what they can’t with the bills and do all the grocery shopping. Everyone here but my spouse is passive aggressive, and when I get the courage to speak up, my family gets very emotionally wounded. I’m fed up with myself because I can’t find the strength to leave, and I am confused because there are times when I want to stay, but that is only when things are going well, which is rare. I need advice on how to handle my over excessive guilt and how to speak up when it’s needed.
At a certain point, all parents are confronted with their own, special chicken/egg dilemma; they don’t have to figure out which came first, but who comes first, given the conflicting needs of their parents versus their kids, and their duties to both. It’s painful enough to make you wish you were poultry.
After all, there’s nothing wrong with helping your mother or seeking her help with childcare. As a married mother who runs her own household, has a child to support, and is obliged to share decisions with a spouse, however, it’s your job to ask yourself if you can withstand the harm it might do to your new family if you live with your mother and her entire damaged entourage. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 17, 2014
Marriage requires a lot of sacrifice, and while surrendering some independence and half your Netflix subscription fees are worth it, the ability to keep strong emotional reactions from screwing up rational judgment is not. Sometimes, marital conflict will cause you to blame yourself unfairly, just to restore peace, and other times, you’ll blame your partner unfairly, to head off a situation that scares you. In any case, don’t forget that you can make an independent judgment without blaming or demeaning your spouse. Give yourself time, use normal business practices, and you’ll always find a positive way to discuss your differences and stand by both your vows and your own vision of what’s right and wrong.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband stormed out of our house last night because I just can’t seem to meet his needs or understand where he’s coming from. He’s needed more help lately because he hurt himself falling on the ice, and it’s hard for him to do the chores. I could make excuses for myself and tell you I have a full-time job and I try to be sympathetic, but obviously I’m not succeeding. My goal, if I could only achieve it, is to be better at understanding my husband and making him feel valued so he comes home.
Certain marital complaints are impossible to judge, the most common being that you sounded nasty or uncaring. Until a smartphone app is invented that will scientifically judge the negativity and/or offensiveness of a spouse’s tone of voice, this is a complaint about which no one can be objective.
Then again, in the absence of smartphones, there are always plain old smarts, which means creating standards of your own to compare his complaints with. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 10, 2014
As the main motive for most of life’s poor decisions—shotgun weddings, gift cards as birthday presents, matching tattoos—guilt can cause us to avoid responsibility that is ours and impose responsibility that’s undeserved. So don’t let your conscience be your guide until you’ve carefully considered what you actually control, rather than feeling bad because there’s pain and you’re involved. Then, if your conscience won’t listen to reasonable judgment, learn to ignore it and pay more attention to what you believe is right instead of what makes you feel wrong.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know how to help my son deal with a crazy high school relationship. He’s been dating a very troubled but pretty girl who now says she’ll kill herself if he ever breaks up with her. He’s a sweet kid and always likes to help people, but he also feels drained by all the attention she requires and he tells me he really would like to break up with her. I think it’s an unhealthy relationship and I’m delighted he’s ready to move on, but, like my son, I’m worried about what will happen if she tries to kill herself. I can’t speak with her parents because my son won’t let me—he says that would break his promise to her and make it even more likely she would hurt herself. My goal is to figure out a way to protect my son and this girl.
Unfortunately, whenever a soon-to-be rejected, needy lover threatens suicide, there’s no way you can protect anyone from pain and potential guilt. It’s effectively a hostage situation, which means, by design, it can’t end well for everyone, will always end badly for someone, and may well end with irreversible disaster.
No matter what happens, your son’s girlfriend is going to get hurt and maybe hurt herself, whereupon your son is going to feel guilty, and so will you, if your son accuses you of violating his confidence. So forget about who’s going to suffer for what and just focus on doing the right thing and getting everyone out as safely as possible.
Your first priority, of course, is doing what you can to reduce his girlfriend’s risk of self-harm. If her parents, shrink, and/or school officials know she’s at risk and are monitoring her closely, then there’s nothing you can add and nothing further to do, but the only way to find out is to tell them. It’s true, your son might not approve, but you have a duty to make sure those who care for her know what they need to.
Don’t expect to stop feelings of guilt simply by doing the right thing. All it takes to feel guilty is to be the type of person who feels responsible for the feelings of others—a description that fits most of us shrinks—or to be told by someone you care about that you’ve made them suffer, disappointed them, or let them down. For most of us, guilt isn’t rational and there’s no escaping it. We may try to feel better by bending over backwards, but this usually just causes a sore back, a bigger sense of responsibility, and even more guilt.
What you can do, however, for your son and yourself, is not accept that this guilt is deserved. Begin by asking yourself, and your son, how much responsibility a loving person should take for the feelings of someone who is needy and sensitive to rejection. You’d like to think that your love can protect them, but unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. The more you nurture them, and the closer you get, the greater the chance you’ll trigger their sensitivity, and then it’s all down hill. It’s no one’s fault, so it’s best you keep your distance until they develop tools for managing their sensitivity, if that’s what they’re able to do.
Do what’s necessary to protect his girlfriend’s life, and give your son the tools to judge his responsibilities apart from guilty feelings. Initially, of course, they will control how he judges his actions and yours. You can then show him, however, that, regardless of guilty feelings, you have better methods for making decisions that make the best of situations that can’t be good for anyone, and that he can learn your methods when he’s ready.
Learn to negotiate, not just with his emotional captor, but with your own emotions, and with luck you can help everyone emerge safely.
STATEMENT:
“I hate to think how my son is likely to blame himself, and possibly me, when his girlfriend blames her breakdown on his dumping her, but this is a life dilemma he needs to learn how to deal with. I will show him how to use ethical reasoning to define his actual responsibility, apart from guilty feelings, and do the right thing.”
I’m having trouble getting over my mother’s death in a car accident because it was so sudden and we never had a chance to make up after a nasty argument the night before. She had a fiery temper, and we had a stupid argument that really meant nothing, but I hung up on her while she was yelling at me and I can’t stand the idea that that was our last interaction and that the stress of our fight may have caused her to drive mad and get into the accident that ended her life. My goal is to find a way to live with my guilt.
As noted above, guilt seldom has anything to do with actually doing wrong; if you feel guilty about your mother’s death, it’s because people usually feel responsible for protecting those they love, whether or not they actually have the power to do so. It’s an instinct that probably helps us look out for one another and is thus mostly helpful, except in situations like yours, when it can tear you apart.
Instead of trying to ease your guilt by kicking yourself, ask yourself how you would weigh a friend’s responsibility under similar circumstances. Give your friend a small share of blame if he was particularly cruel to his mother before her death, but give his mother responsibility for managing her own sensitivity, protecting herself from hurt, and controlling her anger.
Then think of how you would like to be remembered after your death; not by the circumstances of your last few years, days, or minutes, but by the sum total of what you built, who you were, and the good things you left behind. So spend some time assessing the value of what your mother did for you, and you for her, during those times when you weren’t having screaming fights.
Write out a statement that does justice to your whole relationship. Don’t try to diminish guilt through apology or confession, just ignore it by honoring values that are more important and using them to build a view of your relationship that is truer to what matters. The unexpectedness of her death shouldn’t teach you to avoid ever being mean, but to remember that life is short and most aggravations don’t really matter.
Honor your temper and where it came from. Remember that arguments never really drove you and your mother apart, as painful or stupid as they were, and they never really interfered with your relationship, which could only be cut short by accident and death. Now, your job is to prevent guilt from interfering with the relationship that you will continue to have with her for the rest of your life, and to protect yourself, and that bond, from being devalued.
STATEMENT:
“I can’t help feeling guilty over not having made up with my mother before her death, but that’s not how I really value our relationship. I will cherish her memory for the things that mattered, and carry on what was best about her values, while ignoring guilty feelings that I can’t stop having, but that are unimportant.”
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 6, 2014
Whether you’re eager to get in the game and fall in love or hate the idea of going out, doing what comes naturally leads you nowhere. What you need instead is thoughtful, self-protective awareness and discipline. So take time to think about what you really need from a prospective friend or partner and how to make sure it’s there. Then, whether you need to rein yourself in or push yourself forward, conduct your search at a safe, deliberate pace that’ll keep you reigned in, out of your shell, and ultimately, on top.
–Dr. Lastname
I split up with my boyfriend a while ago. He started the relationship at a time when he didn’t want one (wasn’t really over his ex and was having major work problems). Anyway, we really hit it off—enjoyed each other’s company, had massive sexual chemistry, seemed to have the same values—and then I got really stressed and he got really stressed very soon into our relationship and I couldn’t handle his withdrawal reaction, especially because I didn’t feel that secure in anyway, so I finished it. Months on I’m finding it extremely difficult to get over him even though I’m trying to think it was for the best. I’ve never missed anyone this much and think he was probably the only person I’ve ever really been in love with. I don’t think he feels the same. I think he’s very selfish, thinks he’s the only one with problems, and hasn’t let anyone in since his ex. Or he never liked me that much, which he says is bollocks. No one measures up in a weird kind of way. And the people who are less selfish are boring and I don’t want to spend time with them. How do I get over him when I don’t want to?
Before deciding whether to get over your ex-boyfriend, give more thought to whether or not he was worth having as a boyfriend in the first place. Yes, there was lots of mutual magnetism; given how quick he was to vanish, however, maybe those magnets actually had like poles.
After all, he did a major, painful flip-flop soon after you got together, and two major requirements of most healthy relationships are one, that the other person isn’t prone to flip-flops and two, that he doesn’t tend to flip-flop on you.
That requirement is so important, and so out of your control, that it’s a major reason for going slow, gathering information, and trying to keep from getting too close until you’re confident it’s not going to happen. Everyone preaches safe sex, but less attention is given to the importance of safe love, and this is definitely a case where you left your heart unprotected. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 3, 2014
Outside of the cold world of Facebook, friendships are not just about liking and/or disliking. They can also be good or bad for you and necessary or unnecessary for the real-life social network you’re trying to exist in. So don’t pass up on learning valuable lessons from friendships, be they strongly moved by feelings of kinship or personal dislike. You’ll discover how to be a good friendship manager as well as a good friend. And hopefully you’ll friend fxckfeelings.com on Facebook.
–Dr. Lastname
How do I treat friends who are selfish and self-absorbed? I know I can be self-absorbed, in fact I am right now, but I’m at the point where I just don’t know what to do or say anymore. One friend constantly complains about her life and when I try to help her, she just makes excuses and goes on complaining without ever asking how I am. She lives to have people feel sorry for her. Another is completely oblivious to other people, so when she does things that are hurtful, she doesn’t understand why so I end up just dropping the issue because I feel like there’s no point. I love them, but I feel like I just can’t anymore. I also feel like maybe I should be “killing them with kindness,” because I’ve always felt kindness was the answer, but now I’m out.
Unless they hire you as a tennis coach, personal trainer, or plastic surgeon, your job with friends isn’t to change or improve them, but accept them. That’s why there’s no pay and more time spent at bars than gyms.
Accepting them doesn’t require you to continue as friends, but it does mean that, whatever you decide, you take the whole package. If you find all your current friends basically unacceptable, you may gently dump them and take some time to catch up with your other friends, Netflix and books, while you take a more selective approach in finding new human companions. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 27, 2014
Sometime or other, for any number of stupid reasons, most of us have found ourselves hanging onto or hanging back from a relationship that was never going to satisfy our needs. What you need to do, of course, is to let go of what you had in order to find what you actually want—a good relationship—instead of avoiding immediate loneliness by clinging to the unsatisfactory-but-familiar. It takes courage to cut your losses and open yourself to the unknown, but that’s the only way to make sure you’re ready when the right relationship finally comes along. Ultimately, you’ll end up hanging on to your standards, which are more important than anything (and anyone) else.
–Dr. Lastname
After a long separation I now have my decree nisi and can make my divorce final as soon as we sort out our finances. It’s been a long marriage and the bitterness has settled and we both agree that there is no going back. My problem is that I can’t seem to break out of the inertia/fear and do what needs to be done to set us both free. My ex is adopting the same sluggish approach despite putting pressure on me a few months back to file for divorce. We are both in other relationships and remain on good terms. My goal is to identify what the block is and find the courage and motivation to get on with what needs to be done.
Whether it’s mixed feelings, fatigue, or just a distaste for paperwork and/or lawyers, searching for the reason you’re avoiding the final steps of divorce may do the opposite of setting you free.
I assume you’d recognize and deal with depression, if that’s your problem, and that you’ve already done much of the work of breaking up and moving on. If you hadn’t, you wouldn’t be with someone new and on good terms with the someone that’s old.
The risk of searching for meaning in avoidant behavior is that it often doesn’t give you a tool for breaking log-jams, and dwelling on helplessness and negative feelings is a good way to lose energy and get more stuck. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 20, 2014
We often warn readers about the dangers of being too helpful, but for every person who gives without thinking, there are plenty of others who want to help someone they love but are too paralyzed to act. Whether someone you love rejects your help or asks for it, your ability to be helpful doesn’t depend entirely on their motivation or yours, but also on the nature of their problem and what kind of help, if any, is likely to be effective. So don’t make it your business to push or provide help until you know more about their problem. Then you’ll have a better idea of how to focus your efforts and limit your responsibility to providing what will actually work. That way you can find the right balance of helping, which involves doing the most good with the least harm to everyone involved.
–Dr. Lastname
My sister got arrested last weekend for dealing drugs, and even though I wasn’t surprised, it brought back all my angry, helpless memories of the many times when we were growing up that she would get into trouble and then get into treatment, tell everybody she was feeling better and going straight, and then fuck up again. This time she’ll probably go away for 10 years and the state will take custody of her kids. My parents are devastated and wonder where they went wrong, and I’m also thinking hard about whether I was a good brother. A few months ago, after she stole from our parents, I told her I’d never trust her again and I wonder whether that caused her to give up hope. I can’t stop thinking about her and I can’t sleep or focus. My goal is to figure out how to get over these feelings so I don’t ruin my life as well.
When people we love do bad things, we usually give them two options: punishment or help, with help sometimes coming in the form of punishment, and vice versa. Even when intentions are good, good is not what necessarily results.
Unfortunately, some lack the ability to respond to either; neither additional help nor punishment will give them the self-control, moral compass, or whatever it takes to stop themselves from doing bad things. What they do deserve, and won’t get, is better genetic luck, and what their families deserve is protection from their bad behavior. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 16, 2014
More than ever, in this age of comment sections and endless e-feedback, everyone feels entitled to share their opinion without stopping to judge whether it’s really deserved, harmful, or beneficial. It’s easy to dismiss your average Youtube commenter when he types “U R Gay” for the thousandth time, but it’s harder when the critic lives in your own house or even your own head. The fact that the feelings are sincere seems like reason enough to express them, and the lust to punish is hard to resist, but the things we often feel critical about are things that both can’t be helped and can be made much worse by constant critique. So give yourself the time to judge whether your critical impulse is the result of prejudice and irritability, or a signal that it’s necessary to protect yourself, whether that means keeping quiet or just off-line.
–Dr. Lastname
I often wind up fighting with my wife about money, since she loves to spend it. I can’t really complain that she spends too much, though, because, at the end of the year, she’s more or less within budget. At the same time, she’s so emotional and impulsive about her decisions, and some of the things she buys are just so frivolous, that I can’t help telling her what I think, which she says is very insulting, and then she acts like the injured party and we don’t talk for a week. My goal is to have a reasonable talk with her about how she spends money.
If it annoys you that your wife spends money without thinking about it, then you might want to look into the logic of confronting her about her spending without really thinking about it. If you can’t keep your mouth shut, it’s hard to expect her to do the same with her wallet.
Just because your partner’s spending habits rub you the wrong way doesn’t mean you’re obliged to bring up a difficult, unpleasant subject. Especially since doing so has a history of accomplishing little aside from annoying the crap out of both of you. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 9, 2014
When your kid is a teenager, every decision you make has the potential to cause drama, whether you’re insisting they retake the SATs or refusing to buy them $200 pants. One issue that will have a powder keg quality right into adulthood, however, is whether you think a family relationship should have more together-time or less. More time together may feel like crowding, and less time together may feel like rejection or loss, but either way, be prepared to encounter strong emotions, including your own, when you go to discuss it. First, ask yourself why a change is necessary or beneficial, rather than why your feelings want it. Then prepare to ignore criticism, anger and hurt feelings while you stand by your views and do what’s best, just as you did with the pants.
–Dr. Lastname
I know that my ex and I put the kids through a rough divorce fifteen years ago, and the roughest part, at least from my point of view, was that my ex convinced a judge that the kids shouldn’t see me without supervision. I couldn’t afford that, so the kids basically didn’t see me for about fifteen years, but understanding the problem hasn’t helped me deal with my oldest son now that he’s twenty-one and free to start seeing me again. He’s reached out to me several times, which was wonderful and had me hoping we could rebuild a relationship, but then he’d set up a time to come over for dinner, and I’d cook up something special, and he wouldn’t show up or call for several months. There’s nothing I want more than to re-establish some kind of relationship with him and his younger sister, but I can’t stand setting up times to meet and knocking myself out and then getting stood up. I’m afraid his mother has poisoned his mind against me and I don’t like getting treated like shit. My goal is to be his father, not his doormat.
Whether it’s from a boyfriend, university, or a home loan, rejection is rejection, and even if you know why it’s happening and know there’s nothing you did wrong, it hurts like hell. You could know you’re the most important person in your child’s life, and it would still be hard to be stood up, ignored, disobeyed, and shut out.
When, on top of that, you’re yearning to resume a relationship years after it was stopped by divorce, you’re even more vulnerable and helpless. You already know what your child has discovered; that your need for one another is mutual, as is your ability to hurt one another. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 6, 2014
We’ve said many times that high school isn’t just a place, but a feeling you never outgrow. That’s because you will get the same old helpless feelings into adulthood, either from being belittled by authority (then gym teacher, now boss), ditched by your best friend (then because you dated a jerk, now because she married one), or worse. That’s why, whether you’re a teen feeling lonely and isolated or a confident and in-control adult, breaking up hurts and can eat at your confidence. No matter your circumstances, however, you don’t have to let heartache undermine your belief in your ability to find lasting love and friendship. Remember, every broken relationship, like high school, has something to teach you, even if it’s just that life is hard and sometimes you’re unlucky and your gym teacher’s an asshole.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m in high school. I’m not very popular—most people would say I’m weird. A year ago I met the most amazing guy, I could actually be myself around him and I never thought I’d find that in a small town. I have a couple of other friends but they don’t get me like he does. For some reason a few months ago he started ignoring me, stopped taking my calls reading my messages. I don’t know how to fix it. I just want a friend I can talk to. Please help.
The toughest thing about growing up lonely and weird isn’t being lonely and weird or even having no friends, but the terrible feeling of losing your first close friend after you finally find one.
Your bleak world lights up just to go black, and it hurts much more to feel a connection and lose it than to only know being alone. The fact that this series of events is the subject of so many books, movies, and songs (dozens by Morrissey alone) should be of some comfort.
First, you should infer that you’re not alone in feeling alone, and second, that it’s a devastating experience that tests your strength and faith in the future. It has the potential to make you feel hopeless and hateful (think Carrie), but also, empowered and confident (also, in a way, Carrie). WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
