Posted by fxckfeelings on July 29, 2010
Fear isn’t all bad (e.g., fearing snakes goes a long way towards keeping you from poison venom). On the other hand, fear itself is stressful and painful, so our first instinct is to avoid it, no matter what…which is, of course, when things start getting really frightening. No matter how much we want to protect ourselves or those we love, it’s not gonna happen, so we have to accept the unavoidable scariness of life (and anacondas). It won’t necessarily calm you down, but it will give you the strength to do what matters, fear or no.
–Dr. Lastname
My wife and I liked to party when we first met (nothing too crazy, we just went out a lot), but we just had our first kid, so we now spend a lot more time at home. My wife used to be a fun, bubbly person, and she still sort of is, but ever since the baby was born she’s been really stressed out, worrying that something bad will happen and the baby will die. Not stuff she could possibly prevent, just a random act that would kill our child, and the stress is so bad she is haunted by visions of our son in a casket. I think she’s dealing with this stress by drinking a bunch of wine with dinner and getting a little more than tipsy. I’ve told her to relax about stuff she can’t prevent, but she says she can’t help it, and I don’t like that she’s drinking too much, and where that’s going to go. I want to see my wife get some treatment that will relieve her stress so she can stop drinking too much.
You might wonder how wanting to help someone could be bad, and it’s because, as goals go, it’s often one you can’t reach. If you don’t accept that fact before making your plans, you’ll make things worse.
Here, for instance, there’s a good chance she’s too busy drinking and/or avoiding her problem to heed your good advice and, at least at first, she may not be able to stop herself (and if she could stop herself, you probably wouldn’t be writing me in the first place).
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Posted by fxckfeelings on July 26, 2010
Everyone wants to wow the one they love, but sometimes, no matter how good our behavior, kind our gestures, well-trained our show-poodles are, we fail to make an impression. When you can’t get praise from or live up to someone you care about, it’s not the end of the world. Besides, you’ll always have those show-poodles to fall back on.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve worked hard at managing my temper—I can’t help it, I can always find something to be mad about, even when my family is behaving perfectly—and I’ve become really good at not snapping at my husband and kids. The kids are great, but my husband doesn’t seem to give me credit for how much better I’ve gotten, and he hasn’t gotten any nicer himself. He still treats me all defensively, as if I’m Godzillette, and it’s starting to get me mad. My goal is to get some credit for the progress I’ve made and achieve more marital peace.
If you want credit, here you go; One million space bucks worth of reward for your good deeds and strong effort. Now go in marital peace.
While you deserve marital credit from your husband, too, making it a goal to get what’s fair from anyone, especially a spouse, is usually a bad idea.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on July 15, 2010
We Americans love our stuff, but the lust for said stuff can cause individuals to behave badly (see: the demonic/orgasmic audience reaction to Oprah’s car giveaway). Usually, when someone goes overboard with longing for/accumulation of stuff, it’s a family member who steps up to put the breaks on, but when anyone, family or no, gets between someone and their stuff, things can get uglier than anything Oprah could imagine. If family members put limits on their responsibilities, however, there are still ways for stuff-addicted loved ones to break the stuff cycle.
–Dr. Lastname
My parents have decided to retire, sell the big house I grew up in and move into a smaller condo closer to my sister and me. The move makes sense—my sister and I are adults with our own families—but it’s brought up a sort of taboo issue for my parents, which is my mother’s attachment to stuff. She’s not a hoarder, but if my dad wasn’t around to put his foot down, I sometimes worry it could be, because my mother has trouble throwing anything away. She says that moving all the time as a child has given her a different appreciation of objects, and that it’s better to regret having too much stuff than to miss something you threw away and can’t get back. Problem is, there’s no room for this stuff in the new condo, they won’t have the budget for storage, and my sister and I aren’t able to put all of her old work files, souvenir spoons, and elementary school textbooks (seriously) in our basements. What I’m afraid will happen is that my father, who has always taken responsibility for managing their money, will try to get my mother to agree that they can’t afford to move and store her stuff when they move, she’ll keep complaining, and he’ll get nasty. How can we get my mother to learn to let go?
I know you and your father want to make your mother happy and have harmony, but it looks like she’s not eager to adapt a sparse, Zen lifestyle.
The problem is, trying to make someone happy when it’s just not possible usually causes more unhappiness. False hope is dangerous, no good deed goes unpunished, and stuff happens (sometimes in great quantities).
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Posted by fxckfeelings on July 12, 2010
Not everyone is good at showing those they love how much they love them. In fact, some people are so disorganized they can’t help but blow off the ones they love, which is something, surprise, those loved ones hate and tend to take personally. You can try rewarding or punishing your beloved flake in order to set them straight, but you’d be acting in vain. For the loved-yet-jilted, it’s important to remember that the love is still there, even if the organization isn’t.
–Dr. Lastname
My son’s a good kid, very smart, and he does pretty well in school, although they’ve diagnosed him as having attention deficit disorder. Anyway, he’s so busy I rarely get to see him, so I thought we should spend more time together, and I made a deal that I’d give him some extra money for video games if he’d put aside some time for the two of us, and he agreed very willingly, but then he kept on forgetting about our scheduled times and blowing me off. Now, I feel I can’t give him the money without giving him the message that it’s OK to be irresponsible and disrespectful. Frankly, I’m hurt. My goal is to get him to be a good kid.
People often assume that hurtful actions by others are a personal affront. In fact, often when people get shat on, it’s totally thoughtless—they’ve been blown off because everything gets blown off, and nobody’s special. Feel better?
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Posted by fxckfeelings on June 28, 2010
Our deepest instincts tell us that there’s nothing more important than saving the lives of those we love; it’s like the mama bear instinct, except it extends to all those closest to us, and has less hair. Unfortunately, there’s no off switch to that drive, and most of the things that threaten our lives don’t respond to sacrifice, no matter how sincere, extreme, or persistent. That’s where nagging ends and plan B begins (and B doesn’t stand for bear).
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve been getting increasingly nervous about my aging parents, particularly because my mother, who’s a very vigorous near-90, likes to ignore the real risks of continuing to vacation in their old, 2 story, roughing-it country home. She loves to garden, take vigorous walks, build fires, and keep to the same routine she had when she was 40. I know I’m a nervous person—I’m a nurse, and I’ve had to deal with an injured leg since childhood—but I’m haunted about what could happen to her if she fell down and it’s no place for my dad, who’s very frail after a stroke. When I said something to her yesterday about how she should hold onto my father’s arm when he walks, she told me to mind my own business. I’m the only one of the kids who lives nearby, so their safety is my business. How do I get her to understand she needs to be more careful?
It’s understandable that you worry about your parents, but even if they were both freakishly healthy and lived in a hermetically sealed bubble, the sad fact is, they’re both going to die.
[Moment to process.]
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Posted by fxckfeelings on June 21, 2010
Much is made in both the personal and professional worlds about the value of communication. Speaking your mind to your loved ones isn’t necessarily the best way to work out family problems, and speaking easily at networking isn’t the best or only way to get ahead at work. Abstaining from communication is often the best choice, because on this site, we value shutting the fuck up.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m not crazy about my grown-up step-kids, but they’re not bad people, they just tend to be disappointed in me for some reason or other and then complain to my wife, who then tries to smooth out our relationship by telling me about their issues and urging me to talk with them, maybe with a therapist. She’s very nice about it, but every time I try to speak up about what actually happened or clear up a misunderstanding, I sound like I’m calling the kids unrealistic and self-centered (which they are) and it makes things worse. My wife doesn’t blame anyone, but it distresses her that I and her kids don’t get along better and I hate to see her unhappy. So how can I improve things with my step-kids when we really don’t see eye to eye?
Your poor step-headaches. They’re unhappy and assume that mom should play diplomat.
Instead of justifying their complaints with “I’m just being honest” they should really say, “I’m just being an enormous jerk.”
This is a good example of honest sharing by people who are honestly unhappy with you but haven’t given much thought to whether there’s anything you can do about it (other than by being someone else). They haven’t even considered whether making them feel better is your responsibility.
Unlike them, don’t assume it’s your responsibility to return the favor with an equal amount of honest sharing—not unless you want to give your wife a headache and enjoy a long, dirty bout of Greco-Roman mud wrestling.
If, as you say, the step-sort-of-adults want you to be someone you aren’t, and it isn’t a matter of your bad behavior, then you can’t make them happy or reach a better understanding by improving communications. If only you were behaving badly, you could make things better by improving, but you’re not, so you can’t, and you’re fucked.
Whether her kids complain to you or her, your job isn’t to work things out (unless you believe it’s really possible); it’s to live up to your own standards for being a respectful step-dad and keeping conflict to a minimum.
If you can’t make things right for your wife, you can respect her wish to improve family relationships while minimizing your exposure to criticism. The technique is simple, but requires you to shut up about your real feelings and give up on the idea that your wife can understand your predicament.
So let the step-kids complain all they want. If these were actually your kids, you would’ve imparted an important lesson to them early on: when it comes to sharing feelings, honesty is not always the best policy.
STATEMENT:
Here’s the formula. “I know your kids are not entirely happy with me and I’ve given careful thought to the problems they’ve shared with you. I intend to let them know I’ve heard their concerns and, to the degree that I can, I’ll make things better. If, as I suspect, some of their distress arises from differences in our personalities, we can’t expect it to go away or be resolved by discussion, but we can certainly learn to accept one another, avoid negative interactions, and make the best of your wonderful relationship with your children, which I am determined to support in any way possible.”
I know I’m good at what I do (let’s just call it finance), but I get held back because I’m terrible at networking and socializing in general. So much of my business is about going out and making connections, and I find talking to strangers, especially ones I’d like to work with or for, to be the most painful and awkward experience in the world. I get incredibly self-conscious, feel like I’m talking too much or too little, get distracted and antsy, and just want to go home or back to work. I also don’t drink anymore—I was never a drunk really, but I thought it held me back in college—so that makes my awkwardness even worse. If I don’t learn how to shmooze, however, I’m never going to get ahead. My goal is to get over my awkwardness.
Don’t hate your own awkwardness. People who have a heightened sense of shame about their social behavior become more awkward, which makes them more ashamed, and you’re spiraling into social phobia. It’s like stuttering; the more you think about it, the worse it gets.
It’s true that, when you’re in school, social awkwardness seems to condemn you to being a nerd loser who never gets laid. Fortunately, nerds have their revenge, and they get it, not by becoming socially gifted, but by entering a world that also rewards skills, reliability, and experience, and this boosts their confidence as they get older.
While networking is a big part of the business world (as you know, most business school tuition should include a bar tab), it’s not the only way to get ahead. You could get your job to pay for further business courses, or try to talk to/impress your boss one-on-one in a small talk, anecdote-free environment.
If small talk is necessary, you don’t have to be talented to learn how to do it; you just need to be humble enough to stumble through exercises that others could do easily. Again, accepting your disability makes it easier to manage it.
In the meantime, when you do find yourself at networking functions, don’t get tied up trying to be the cool guy you aren’t. Try for more one-on-one conversations, sip your Diet Coke, and enjoy a night out with your awkward self.
STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement to chart your course of self-improvement. “I value my achievements and values but recognize that I could use better people skills. There’s no point in criticizing myself for being ungifted in this area. I’m proud that I’m willing to work on my weakness if and when I think it’s necessary.”
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 14, 2010
While most people have multifaceted personalities (or should), there are an unlucky group whose personalities aren’t so much nuanced as they are binary; fewer shades of grey, more Jeckyll and Hyde. If you’re dealing with someone who’s double sided, or trying to hide a part of yourself from the world, it can feel like a never ending battle to reconcile and/or expose both halves. Occasionally, it’s worth exposing your secret side to end your own torment. Other times, it’s better to let people keep their Mr. Hydes to themselves if it means keeping their drama out of your own life.
–Dr. Lastname
Most people thing my mom is really fun, if a little flaky and emo, but they don’t see how crazy and mean she gets when there’s no one around but my brother and me (my parents are divorced). When she’s in a bad mood, she tells us we’ve been mean to her, and reminds us of things we’ve said that hurt her, and tells us how bad we are until we’ve apologized, and then she forgets it ever happened. There’s one cousin who’s seen what she gets like and I rely on him to remind me that it’s OK, she’s crazy, but the other day he seemed charmed by her and then, when I complained, he told me I had to get over her and not be so angry, and now I feel totally unsupported. My goal is to get someone to understand what’s going on.
Nothing gets people more stirred up than dramatically pitched false accusations and punishments by a powerful, inescapable, totally two-faced authority, like your mama.
The good news is that, while you’ve got the makings of a perfect soap opera, it sounds like you’re not getting swept away by it.
The trouble with soap operas, of course, is that they trap the good guys into endless rounds of angry, hurt reactions to crazy bad guys. In the process, they take up huge amounts of time and energy for tears and talk, talk, talk before, finally, there’s a glimmer of comfort and validation…before the cycle starts all over again.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on June 3, 2010
Very often, what we hate about someone we know well has everything to do with our immediate needs and frustrations, and nothing to do with their ability to be good friends or partners. Instead of sweating the little things, work out your own definition of what it means to be good to someone else. Then you’ll be able to protect good relationships from bad feelings, and protect yourself from bad relationships (that make you feel good).
–Dr. Lastname
I believe in being a good friend and a great brother, and because of that, I remember everyone’s birthdays, anniversaries, etc, so it really pisses me off when no one remembers mine. I always seem to give more than I get, and I don’t think it’s too much to ask since I’m able to keep track of those things. I have no choice when it comes to family, but I wonder if I’ve been choosing the wrong friends. I like being a giver, but I don’t like being resentful and letting them know that I’m upset doesn’t seem to do any good. My goal is to find better friends.
Don’t confuse being a giving person with being a good person. Being good is supposed to be selfless, but giving is a self-serving pleasure, and that should tell you that it’s easy to overdo and/or do for the wrong reasons.
You might think I’m wrong, and insist you’re giving because you enjoy it and want to make the world a better place. If so, you best put on a bib, because you’re talking a lot of shit.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 24, 2010
Parent/child conflicts can get particularly brutal when people are scared for and determined to save one another. Emotions run stronger, stakes are higher, and the gloves are never on. Instinctively, kids and parents fight for control and submission, and regard it as defeat to accept a new reality and get over it. The reason the instinct is so foolish is because control is impossible, so the battle becomes endless. Conflicts like these need to be handled with great care; they must call them kid gloves for a reason.
–Dr. Lastname
When my mother starting dating my soon-to-be-step-father, I was upset. It’s not just that my father had only died six months earlier, but that this guy was clearly a user and a nowhere near good enough for her. I’m in college, so at least I didn’t have to live under the same roof as this jerk, but I’ve already gone out of my way to avoid him and it’s really annoyed my mom that I haven’t tried to get along with him. Plus it means I’ve spent last time with her, and we used to be really close. When she told me they were going to get married, I freaked out, and now she’s says that if that’s how I feel then I’m not invited to the wedding. I think what my mom and I need is a face-off to get everything on the table and sort out this mess. My goal is to get my mom back.
You’ve got every reason to worry about your mother’s taste in men and its impact on your relationship; after all, her choice has the potential to cause you (and possibly her) great pain, at a time when you’re grieving your father’s death.
Unfortunately, however, all you can do is worry, and after that, you’re fucked. There’s nothing you can do to make things better and lots to make things worse.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 13, 2010
Some people think self-improvement begins with first finding your faults and then hating the crap out of them and yourself. In reality, hating your faults is a perverse feel-good, like chewing on a canker sore. Attacking yourself, or even those close to you, just kicks someone when when they’re down and makes self-improvement that much more difficult. If you want to improve yourself, improve your tactics, because there are better ways to get better.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve been a complete, stinking failure since I graduated from college. My job pays well, but I hate it with a passion because I’m treated like shit. Then again, I don’t have the skills to find anything better, though I’ve tried. My drinking has kept my girlfriend from moving in, and, since I’ve never loved anyone else, that means I’ve never had a relationship that works. I don’t really have friends because I’m too nervous to let anyone really know me and I work too hard to meet anyone (at that job that sucks). Now I wonder whether I’m being honest with you, or just whining and slinging bullshit. My goal is to be someone else.
It never ceases to amaze me how people who launch into the most brutal monologues of self-criticism would never allow their friends to talk such shit about themselves in their presence. The only thing they truly fail at is holding themselves to the same standards they hold others.
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