Posted by fxckfeelings on January 3, 2011
As most of you gentle readers have probably learned in the last week or so, Dr. Phil is officially wrong; family gatherings are made yet more miserable with good communication. The sad fact is that most of us possess the innate ability to show negative feelings without even opening our mouths, thus stimulating the worst fears and disappointments of our near and dear ones, and then, by a remarkable miracle, reading their negative body language and doing the same. It’s a game of emotional telephone where everyone trapped under one roof sharing a bloodline ends up miserable. You could hate yourself, hate your family, or just comfort eat (much like Dr. Phil?), or you could learn how to communicate more carefully.
–Dr. Lastname
For years, I’ve struggled with depression, and while I don’t blame my brother for all of my problems, he has become something of an anti-anti-depressant. I just spent a week with our parents and my brother’s family (wife and two young kids), and it was exhausting, not because I had to watch the kids, who are great, but because my brother constantly pisses me off and I use all my energy biting my tongue. And the thing is, I accept why less is expected of him; I don’t have kids, so when we’re all together I should be expected to help out more around the house. The problem is the way my brother acts so entitled and patronizing…or maybe I’m just being overly sensitive , or I deserve to bear more of the load around the house just like I deserve to die alone, etc., etc., and I’m depressed again. My goal is to be able to spend time with my whole family without feeling like my whole life sucks.
There’s nothing you can do to change your married-with-kids brother’s irritating manner, or the way your parents treat him as the successful favorite, or the black feelings they stir in your depressed, deserve-to-die-alone soul.
On the other hand, remember that disappointment echoes back and forth between close relatives, even when they’re trying to hide how they feel. Your brother may be withdrawing in response to your depression, you may be hurt by his withdrawal, and so on, while the evidence piles up to confirm your feelings of humiliation and worthlessness.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on December 27, 2010
Maybe, on an animal level, disrespect is a challenge to our status in the herd that must be met with immediate, overwhelming attack, or we lose out. What an emotional reaction to disrespect usually results in, however, is more conflict and more power to the disrespecter. Take disrespect as a chance to see whether you measure up to your own standards and, if you do, your defense will become simple and require no huffing, puffing, or drama around the watering hole.
–Dr. Lastname
PLEASE NOTE: The next new post will be 1/3/11. Have a happy New Year’s Eve, but for our sake, an unhappy new year overall. (Not really.)
I get no respect and nothing but criticism at home, and only an idiot would stick around. My teen-age daughter complains loudly, to anyone who will listen, including holiday dinner guests, that I was never there for her, and my wife treats her as if she’s a sensitive soul who needs understanding and shouldn’t be contradicted. I think my daughter is verbally abusive, disrespectful, and embarrassing, and that my wife encourages her. As a practicing physician, I have no trouble finding respect at work; at home, I’m chopped liver. Tell me why I shouldn’t leave.
I’ll take your word that you’re a doctor, because your need for respect makes you sound more like a drug dealing thug from “The Wire.”
Disrespect might make you feel like you’re being perceived as weak, but that’s nothing compared to telling yourself, or anyone else, that criticism or disrespect is driving you out of your house.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on December 16, 2010
It’s easy to feel like a success when you’re given a gold medal; and when you’re just another schmuck getting lapped at the local track, it’s hard to take much joy from your efforts. If success is subjective, so is failure. If, however, we look at our accomplishments objectively, our lives are actually Special Olympics, and many of us who feel like losers are really champions.
–Dr. Lastname
My son makes a living and he’s a nice guy, but I don’t think he’s ever really pushed himself or lived up to his smarts. He works in a pet shop and lives with a nice girlfriend, but he’s 30 already. All his friends are professionals who own their own homes, and he cleans animal cages and rents an apartment. I wish I knew how to motivate him to do more with his life. Maybe if he went into therapy he’d discover that he’s afraid of success.
To paraphrase Fran Lebowitz, if you’re an American white Christian male and you’re not President of the United States, to some degree, you blew it.
It seems logical to say, about any bright, well-educated kid, that he could do anything if he really wanted to, particularly in this country, and that it’s a shame if he didn’t seize his opportunities.
If you truly agree with this statement or Fran’s, however, your thinking is wishful and potentially dangerous.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on December 13, 2010
Emotional blackmail, just like the unemotional kind, can’t be fought back against easily. Normally, blackmail leaves you broke, but when it’s emotional, you’re less broke and more broken, since you end up spending all your energy caring too much about the other person’s feelings. At that point, it doesn’t matter who has the last word; you’ll wind up exhausted and distanced both from the blackmailer and who you really are. To shield yourself from blackmail, know where you stand and why you stand there. After all, if you can hold your head up, they’ve got nothing to hold against you.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband always complains that I’m neglecting him and making him worry when I do what I really like, which is hiking and swimming, because he’s an indoor sort who worries a lot and doesn’t like to be alone. Now that we’re retired and the kids are well on their way in life, we’ve got plenty of time, and I wish he’d come along, but that’s not his nature. I’m not a daredevil, but after I took a serious tumble two years ago while hiking, he forced me to promise I’d never do it alone. Actually, I like company, but the pressure of worrying about when he’s going to go off on me about my selfishness and what I put him through and my lack of respect for his feelings makes me wonder if we’d be better off apart. My goal is to reach a decision about our marriage.
Going into this marriage, you must have known that it would be hard for your “indoor worrier” spouse to find middle ground with a weekend warrior like yourself. Now you’re wondering if you should call off the search.
It’s hard to stay unemotional about choices like this, but the best way to prepare for a decision about ending a marriage is to build up your independence and re-examine any concessions that are wearing you down.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on December 6, 2010
Everyone from Mariah Carey to Charlie Brown has told us that what Christmas means is a happy, if not the happiest, time, and that you’re supposed to spread that happy to your neighbors, parents, and children. Most of us learn at an early age that Christmas is a mixed bag, and that the unhappy spreads faster than the happy, mostly among family members. Instead of focusing on good cheer, decide how best to use the holiday to express the Christmas spirit which, for those of you with some dysfunction in your families, means finding the best compromise between sharing a holiday together, protecting yourself from bad behavior, and avoiding the songmanship of Mariah Carey.
–Dr. Lastname
My 16-year-old daughter is a good kid, but she’s always been hell on wheels about breaking the rules. I always worry about her, because her father was sick and school is hard for her (she’s very ADD) and it would take very little to get her to drop out. The more I do to make sure she gets up on time, however, like driving her to school when she’s late, the more she misses the boat by always getting one absence more than whatever the school allows, so now I’ve got regular meetings with the principal (she refuses to show up) and neverending special ed plans. She’s really a nice kid and behaves well when she’s staying with her friends, but with me she’s often mean and nasty and swears all the time, and I just laugh it off. Now Christmas is coming, and I’d like her to be able to visit Mexico with a friend’s family, if she can just keep out of additional trouble. My goal is to avoid provoking her into doing more dumb things, dropping out of school, and getting into major trouble.
It’s clear that you love and accept your bad-ass kid, and that’s probably the most important part of any relationship, because non-acceptance is deadly.
You accept her, she accepts that you love her. She just can’t accept being told what to do.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on November 22, 2010
We often have to remind readers to follow their minds, as well as their hearts or groins, when choosing a steady partner; consider whether your beloved has some stability, not whether s/he’s good looking in the face. Still, even when all the basic qualities check out, remember that some seemingly-easy-to-get-along-with people have impossible ways of dealing with shared responsibility. Unfortunately, they don’t necessarily reveal themselves until you’ve been through a few messy crises together, which is why getting-to-know-you requires patience, toughness, and good detective instincts. Plus you need a willingness to bow out if your dreams collide with a deal-breaking discovery, no matter how last minute it is, or how pretty the face of the partner.
–Dr. Lastname
PS: Yes, we’re taking Thursday off for Thanksgiving, and as always, we hope your holiday has turkey for you and material for us.
I’ve met a divorced woman who seems crazy about me, and I think she’s a little impulsive but basically a terrific person and I could easily fall for her. She checks out in almost every way; she’s nice, solid, and good with her 2 kids and makes a reasonable income running a small business. She tried hard to make her marriage work and seems to stick by her friends. The only thing that worries me is the way she recently bought a new car after telling me we would buy it together. I mean, we dropped by dealerships and discussed styles and motors; and then, suddenly, she bought one we hadn’t looked at, made all the arrangements, and ta-da, there it was. She was very apologetic and told me she’d trade it in if I didn’t like it, but the truth is, it was fine and it’s not my car and I don’t feel hurt. What shook me up is that, here we are talking every day about getting married and making decisions together, and buying a car is a pain in the ass that requires time and attention to lots of details, and she kept it a secret. My goal is to get her to understand that I’m not hurt, but I’d like to understand what happened.
At this point in a relationship, what you’d like is a re-assuring explanation that would smooth away your doubts and allow your intimacy to move on.
What you need, however, is to figure out the worst-case meaning of her behavior and decide what it means for your future together (if you have one).
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Posted by fxckfeelings on November 18, 2010
Relationships are supposed to include lots of sharing—trust, time, bank accounts—but when relationships hit a wall, too much sharing makes them worse. You might think that speaking the truth will make things right, but it usually makes things very, very wrong. Instead, accept the hurt and create a boundary between your hurt feelings and what you know will work out best. You’ll find yourself with better choices, less need for others to tell you that you’re OK, and an appreciation for not having to share the remote.
–Dr. Lastname
When my ex-husband and I shared a life together, we also shared a drinking problem. After a decade of marriage and 3 kids, we divorced, and I got sober. Now, another decade later, the kids are grown and they have a hard time with their dad, who still occasionally binge drinks, binge opinionates, and, as usual, sees all criticism as ingratitude and rebellion. In addition, his current partner is a nasty drunk. Now, our kids are good doobies who try to give their dad equal time, but I think they are sometimes too easily cowed by his guilt trips and seem resentful and depressed after they stay with him. I don’t believe in saying anything negative, particularly since he’s their father and a fellow drunk. My goal is to help them, if I can.
Short of being more careful with birth control when you chose to breed with a real winner, you can’t protect kids from the pain of bad parenting.
You’d like to, and, in this case, you are partly responsible. Unfortunately, it is what it is, there was love despite the lack of a glove and the results cannot be undone. Plus, any attempt to protect them from pain is likely to make it worse.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on November 15, 2010
Working hard at school usually gets you a well deserved A (and, if you’re a certain advice-giving psychiatrist, a Harvard degree). Working hard at relationships, however, never guarantees success; it doesn’t necessarily get you what you deserve, whether it’s a good mate or a better relationship with a parent. Your efforts and motivations may be pure, but too much that you don’t control is always there to get in the way. Don’t take it as a failure then if you’re lonely and have mixed feelings about going home for Thanksgiving. The biggest success, for many of us, isn’t a frequently-mentioned set of Harvard degrees, but preventing sorrow from making us do something stupid.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m a 47-year-old woman who has never been married. My goal is to find out if circumstances have simply kept me from meeting a suitable partner, or if there’s something I’m doing or something about me that has kept me from finding/recognizing someone who might have been the right choice. I’m attractive, extremely bright, I have a great sense of humor, and am warm and open. I have wonderful friends of both sexes. The downside is I’ve had some serious health issues, including one chronic illness that has directly and indirectly undercut my most important career and personal goals and, to some extent, my sense of myself as the kind of person I wanted to be (accomplished and desirable). I’m under a kind of chronic stress and I don’t feel I’m living my life fully. To restate my goal, how do I figure out what, if anything, has kept me from having a successful relationship?
Don’t disrespect yourself by assuming that being single means you’ve done something wrong. If your problem finding a partner were anything obvious, like a stupid compulsion to dump good guys or an aversion to bathing, you probably would’ve figured it out at some point in the past 47 years.
Also, don’t disrespect yourself by giving illness and bad luck the power to define your self-worth. Yes, it’s nice to be healthy, rich and thin and it feels like success. Real success, however, is knowing you did your best when things turned out badly and left you hurting; it comes from pride in the effort, not pride in the outcome.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on November 4, 2010
Rebuilding anything, from a family post-separation to the entire Gulf coast, is an arduous, often painful process. Strong leadership goes a long way towards aiding the operation, and in the case of divorce, a leadership duo is potentially stronger and has a lot more to offer the kids. Yes, there’s pain, but if you can ignore it as you try to figure out old relationships and make new ones, you can make the repairs without losing the foundation (or wetlands) altogether.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t hate my stepbrother, but the fact is, he’s kind of a loser. He doesn’t work hard in school, he doesn’t play sports, and all he really seems to do is play video games and hang out with the stoners doing what stoners do. I take 3 AP classes and I’m on the basketball team, and I’m not saying that to brag, but because that means I’m always busy at practice or with homework (I’m trying to get a scholarship). Still, my stepfather is always asking me to do more chores in the house and help out, and never asking his own son, who doesn’t seem to be doing jack shit. I think my stepfather doesn’t like me all that much, and that, when he’s stressed, he takes it out on me, and if I tell him he’s not being fair, he gets more pissed off. My goal is to get my stepfather to see that he needs to chill and take a closer look at what he’s doing.
It’s hard, at any age, not to focus on the unfairness of authority, and it’s worse when you’re a kid, solider, or inmate. Remember, fair is the worst four letter f-word you’ll ever encounter.
The more absolute your stepfather’s power, the more you simmer when you feel his favoritism has screwed you. The trouble is, if he perceives that you’re angry and doesn’t enjoy his authority questioned, your troubles will only get worse.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 21, 2010
When life spins out of control, so does morale. When it feels like you’re living in a flaming, crowded theater, it’s more normal to issue dire warnings, cast blame, and look for desperate solutions. If, however, after reviewing your options realistically, you can assure yourself that you’ve done whatever it is you could do, you can retain your pride and helps others retain theirs. That won’t give you control, but it will decrease the panic and put the fires out.
–Dr. Lastname
My 25-year-old daughter barely talks to me because I’m the one who reminds her that she’s bipolar. She gets mad at me whenever I bring it up, but I’ve got to say something, because someone needs to tell her to take her medication and stay away from her drinking buddies. She’s such a good kid, and it’s awful to watch her lose control and then have everyone take advantage of her. The trouble is, I know how bad the prognosis is for her illness, and after four hospital admissions and no job held for more than a month, I fear for her. My goal is to help her and have a better relationship with her.
If you want to express negative emotions about your kid’s mental illness, tell your shrink, hairdresser, crossing-guard, whomever. Anyone but the kid herself.
Mental illness is scary and depressing, but for the parent of a mentally ill child, make like your home is on the range: never should be heard a discouraging word. Expressing negative emotions almost always makes things worse.
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