Posted by fxckfeelings on May 7, 2012
Particularly when you’re expecting to raise kids, there are good reasons to commit yourself to caring for your partner through thick and thin, sickness and health. What you should recognize from the beginning, however, is that uncontrollable, bad things can happen that can make a partnership dangerous and destructive to one or more family members and then it’s your responsibility, as an individual, to do what’s necessary. Mental and neurologic illness can change personalities and create overwhelming burdens. Unrecognized character problems are equally uncontrollable and can have a similar impact. When you take your vows, keep this in mind and remember, many people who divorce are trying to choose the least of the evils that face them and haven’t forgotten the promises they made.
–Dr. Lastname (Doctor only today– the writer half is under the weather)
When I was manic and crazy, I really fucked up my marriage. For 6 months, I was talking fast, flinging money around, drinking hard, sleeping with anyone I could catch, and generally acting like an asshole. The third time I went into the hospital, the doctors found a medication that worked and, since then, I’m back to my old self but my wife has decided it’s all over. She goes out without me whenever she can and acts like she’s angry whenever we’re together. I can understand her feelings, but she won’t accept my apology. For the last 6 months, I’ve shown her my old, reliable self, but I can’t win back her trust. The problem is my bad; I should be able to make it right.
We all want marital vows to overcome whatever bad things life throws at us, and so we promise to care for our partners through thick and thin, unconditionally.
What’s stupid about such promises, however, is that some of those bad things are the size of an asteroid and can wipe out any marriage, regardless of how strong the love and commitment, and feeling obliged to stick with vows that have no escape clauses can drive you crazy.
Yes, your wife should forgive you for having a manic episode: you couldn’t help it and the part you can help—taking your medication—you’re doing well. It takes courage to resume your life and face the people you know after the humiliation and chaos of acting like a crazy jerk.
The sad thing that can’t be helped isn’t your illness; it’s your wife’s reaction to it. I assume you and others have done all you can to educate her about it and you’ve had a good opportunity to show her what your values are and regain her confidence, now that you’re well again. If it hasn’t worked, it’s not because there’s something wrong with your approach: it’s probably because there’s something wrong with your wife’s character. She just doesn’t have the strength.
Look at her closely, and you’ll probably find she’s never had the strength, meaning that she’s never been able to keep a relationship going if it hurt her too much. That’s why it’s important, when looking for a partner, to find someone who’s shown an ability to stick by her friends and family regardless of hurt. It’s a quality that’s even more important than the fact that you love one another. Without it, you’re fucked. Now you know.
So don’t make yourself responsible for her reaction, as sad as it is. You didn’t cause your illness or give her the character she has. Don’t apologize. Don’t beg. Let her know you understand your illness put her through a very hard time, but that you’re confident that you’ve recovered and that you can again be a good partner. Maybe surviving this hard time has made you stronger and wiser. In any case, if she still wants the partnership, it’s hers; if not, you both need to move on.
You need someone strong who can still love you after a manic episode, and she needs someone lucky who doesn’t get sick.
STATEMENT:
“I feel like I destroyed my marriage and it’s my job to get it back, but I know I didn’t cause my illness, and I’m proud of the way I manage it. I can’t help it if my wife can’t tolerate it, but I know I need a wife who can.”
After her last hospitalization a year ago, my wife didn’t recover all that much, and she’s gradually become very different from the woman I married. Her psychiatrists tell me there’s no new treatment to try (she didn’t tolerate clozapine, which is the Hail Mary treatment for crazy thinking) and she’s probably not going to recover much more than she has now. She’s able to keep herself clean, but she still hears voices, looks befuddled, and thinks I’m spying on her for the FBI. She can do simple chores, but she’s very distractible. Most nights, she sleeps at her mother’s house because that’s where she’s most comfortable. I’ve got used to taking care of the kids on my own, and I can’t trust her with them when she’s around. I miss her terribly and I promised to stand by her in sickness and health, but I don’t know that I can stand this much longer. I feel bad about deserting her when she really can’t help it, but taking care of her and the kids is more than I can manage.
You sound like you’ve done all you can to help your wife recover from severe mental illness and it isn’t going to happen. Instead of blaming yourself or anyone else for her failed recovery, you’re facing it as a sad fact of life. What troubles you most is dealing with your marital vows to stick together through sickness and health.
Marital vows ignore the fact that some illnesses can destroy a family and present you with impossible choices. Most times, sticking together is manageable, better than the alternative, good for the kids, and the right thing to do. It’s not hard to imagine situations, however, when sticking with someone does no good for them, destroys your life, and is bad for the kids. No one likes to think of those things at a wedding, or ever.
Put aside your guilt long enough to ask yourself what she would expect of you if she were her old self and what you would expect of her if your positions were reversed. Assume that you both believe in standing by the one you love, but not if it does no good, or overwhelms the resources of the healthy partner, or endangers the kids and their future. Assess the impact she has on them and they on her. Take into account that she probably qualifies for social security/disability and may also be eligible for state services for the chronically mentally ill.
Don’t assume that the path that hurts most is the one that’s right. This is not a conflict between duty and pleasure or between selfless vows and selfishness. It’s a conflict between your responsibility to care for your wife and your assessment of the value of your sacrifice, the good it can do, and the harm it can cause to your other responsibilities.
Either way, it breaks your heart, but you have an administrative responsibility as the sole leader of the family and you need to do what will do the most good/least harm. Whatever you choose, respect yourself for bearing the burden of this choice.
STATEMENT:
“I feel like I can’t leave my marriage without breaking my vows and deserting my wife when she needs me most. I can’t help the fact that she’s no longer the same person and doesn’t get much from being married to me. I’ll try to weigh the competing ethical responsibilities and do the right thing, knowing there’s no way to do right without also causing harm.”
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 3, 2012
Just because spending time with a certain someone is always a positive experience doesn’t mean that certain someone is actually a special candidate for meeting your needs. Whether you’re looking for a spouse or a shrink, many of the same rules apply; no matter how much you enjoy and trust that person, it’s your job to know what you want out of the relationship, what limits must be set in order to get there, and how much availability you require (and, with therapists, what lessons you can take from the relationship that can help you when availability is impossible). Defining the practical conditions that are necessary for the relationship that you want, and standing by them, are what make a certain someone not just special, but a smart investment.
–Dr. Lastname
I have experienced 2 bad marriages and the death of my only child at age 28 (one year ago). I’m now trying to rebuild my life and am in a relationship with a man who has experienced shit (horrible divorce) and raising his youngest child, a teenager. Unfortunately, he has trouble balancing family, work and dating, and I don’t know how to handle this during my grief time and uncertainty—I fluctuate between feeling my worries are unreasonable and justified. His ex wife screwed him kid-wise and money-wise, so he is bitter in lots of ways. On the other hand, I was equally screwed by my ex but pushed on and made my own way, so I don’t entirely sympathize with his resentment. I also understand that, because of his divorce, he hasn’t had a life with his kids and wants to establish a relationship with his son, but he also wants one with me, and I don’t think he knows how to balance these two goals. We’re both adults with good jobs who’ve experienced the same problems, but I’m not sure why we can’t get it together, and I want this to work.
As the survivor of an unbearable loss and the non-help of a deadbeat ex, you have a right to ignore other people’s resentment and bitterness. As such, you’re ready to move on and find a better relationship, and because your sorrows give you perspective, you know when someone else isn’t ready.
You obviously value your partner’s love for his kids, and see evidence of his fidelity in his long attachment to a crazy wife. You’re right, however, to have concerns about the flip side of this picture, which is his potential inability to control his over-responsiveness to whoever seems to need him more. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 30, 2012
When someone’s decline/death leaves you with new responsibilities, it can be hard to grieve the way you’d like; either you’re too busy dealing with unsettled family and finance issues, or you’re too distracted by resentments and fears. It’s more important to sort out what you can and can’t do, then do what you can, than to get rid of negative feelings. In the long run, doing all you could, and doing right by the person who died, will be your greatest comfort.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m overwhelmed. I have been married for 25 years, the last ten or so have been strained—three years ago my husband was diagnosed with a progressive, terminal form of dementia. It affects his behavior and communication. We have 3 teens. I stayed home with the kids for 15 years because his job required him to be out of town for extended periods. Now I am working 2 jobs to try to keep up with our expenses. I have been seeing a therapist for 2 years who was helping me deal with the loss—and my reaction to loss, which is odd and inappropriate. Anyway, his office called yesterday to tell me he died. Where do I go from here? I feel so lost.
It sounds like you feel more than lost, and reading your description of events has us a little lost, as well. Still, while the details are hard to follow, the point is crystal clear and amazingly sad.
I may be reading too much into your words, but it does seem like the stress of raising three kids, working two jobs and dealing with the crazy responsibilities of living with dementia have burnt you out and left you spacy and dissociated, with “odd and inappropriate feelings.”
Dementia took your husband away bit by bit while loading you with more and more responsibilities, along with the fear of having to face dangerous and irritating situations without warning. Sadness is a relatively small burden compared to the fear, anger and guilt that people actually encounter.
Temporary detachment may have protected you from being overwhelmed by these feelings; hopefully his death will free you from some of this load and allow you to miss him.
In any case, don’t be critical of your emotions. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 19, 2012
Sure, it seems logical that love wouldn’t go from happy to hellish unless someone was doing it wrong, but that assumes that love brings out the best in people which, as any child of divorce can tell you, is far from the case. Trouble is, love has no power to improve personality deficits—just hide them from sight—so it’s easy to love someone who can’t be steady, accepting, or faithful. Instead of trying to save a failing relationship by figuring out who’s responsible for wrecking things, walk away, emerge from the underworld, and find someone who has what it takes before love even begins.
–Dr. Lastname
My father worked hard to support our family, but he never stops complaining about how hard his life has been and how he much he was disappointed by my mother, and his complaints really bother me. I guess my mother was more competent when they got married, but after my older sister was born she got depressed, took to her bed, and didn’t do much of anything for the next 20 years, which put a huge burden on the family finances. My parents stuck together and she’s able to work now, but my father has been complaining for as long as I remember. When I was a young adolescent, I’d try to console him, and then he’d get angry at me for criticizing my mother. Now when he starts to moan about his hard life, I have trouble not leaving the room. My goal is to get him to stop, or not have to listen to him.
No matter how much pain and guilt your father’s whining brings to his marriage, he’s never going to stop being a complainer. You can get him to stop complaining about your mother, but only by getting him to complain about you.
On the one hand, it’s unfortunate that he’ll never stop torturing you or your mother for giving him such a hard, sad life. On the other hand, you don’t have to accept his garbage notion that anyone is responsible for his hard, sad life in the first place. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 29, 2012
Before we discovered communication as the solution to family conflict and misunderstanding, we knew better. Back then, people thought before they spoke, believed silence was golden, and had to live without remote controls. Communication satisfies a yearning, but if you think first about your goal before opening your mouth, you’ll usually discover that it’s good to communicate a positive vision and bad to share feelings before remembering how your first-degree relative will almost certainly respond.
–Dr. Lastname
After my son left home, he became very distant and uncommunicative. Then last year, almost ten years later, he finally starting calling me regularly, then opened up and confessed he had a problem with drugs and alcohol. I was delighted by his openness and thought we were on the right track, but now, a year later, I’m starting to wonder. What now happens is, after he’s gotten wasted on one thing or another for a few days and run out of money, he calls me up to tell me how bad he feels, how sorry he is, and how much he hates himself. I try to be sympathetic, but I hate to hear his misery, I’m tired of telling him he’s really OK, and I’m angry that he doesn’t stay sober for very long and doesn’t do anything about it except dump the problem on me when he’s feeling low. My goal is to see him get better, so I don’t want to cut communication, but our talks are not working.
Shared feelings can be a good step forward if your son knows what he wants to do with himself, other than share feelings.
Hurray, he’s discovered you’re supportive and not mean, punitive or critical, and sharing with you feels good. Unfortunately, that’s his only goal. You’re not reconnecting, you’re becoming his favorite hangover cure. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 22, 2012
Regardless of what you hear on TV about the power of exercise, fish oil, and Xenu, none of us has much control over the way we or our loved ones die. We beat death, not by postponing the inevitable, but by sustaining our most important priorities—love and commitments—in the face of helplessness, pain, and impending loss. In other words, we beat death in so much as we don’t let it take over our lives.
–Dr. Lastname
I love my wife and we’ve had a great 30 years together but, since her cardiac arrest during a heart attack, she hasn’t been the same. What I really hate is that, as much as I want to help her recover and prevent her from slipping back, she doesn’t seem to want to get better. I know she has some memory problems and isn’t steady on her feet, but her physiotherapist gave her a good set of exercises. Instead of doing them, however, she’s happy to stay in our bedroom all day and watch TV, often blowing off important medical appointments. I get furious and find myself screaming at her, which does nothing but make me feel mean and cruel. My goal is to get her to do her best to recover, because I don’t want to punish her, but I can’t stand the idea that she’s making herself worse, and then I could lose her.
People don’t age and die because we lose our fight to live; we die because we die. Fighting is merely a protest demonstration and/or holding action. Understandably, you don’t want to lose your wife, but no amount of effort on her part will stave off death forever.
We’d all prefer to believe that love and determination could drive your wife to recover from her disability, and, under some circumstances, they could (most of those circumstances, as we’ve said many times, involve a screenwriter).
Unfortunately, they often can’t, and, if her disability is not treatable, persistent pushing could make you abusive and destroy the relationship that’s her most meaningful source of support. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 27, 2012
There’s no doubt that the welfare of kids’ should come first when you think about the pros and cons of continuing a difficult parenting relationship; after all, kids are what what parenting partnerships are for, and your self-esteem will never be great if you know you didn’t do your best for your child. That said, it’s important to be realistic about whether your relationship will let you be the parent you want to be and what the optimal distance is for minimizing conflict and security threats to your child. No matter how you feel about love and intimacy, you made a kid, and now you have to make that kid come first.
–Dr. Lastname
Recently, maybe 5 months ago, me and my ex broke up. I thought we were perfect together but I found out she had sex with 2 guys while we were strongly involved. I tried to be her friend, but it was hard, so things kind of went back to normal, even though I still couldn’t trust her and still don’t. We don’t go out anymore, but now I’ve found out that she’s pregnant with my child, although the doctor said it’s just a 50% chance that the baby lives. If the baby does live I want to be there for my child but I don’t want to be involved with the mother intimately in any way. If the baby doesn’t make it I don’t want to have anything to do with her anymore, period. How do I deal with the situation if the baby does live? I believe that a family should be a mother and father at home together, but I can’t love the mom, even if I want to be there through every step of my child’s life. If the baby doesn’t make it, then how do I get over her and the fact that she hurt me by sleeping with other guys as well as our baby not making it? Should we try to be friends, get back together, or cut all ties?
You’ve got great values, which, unfortunately, generate their own kind of unhappiness. You’re right to make providing a good stable home for your child your first priority, but you’re screwed with a mom like this.
Unfortunately, you probably can’t have the family you want without having a partner who’s fundamentally different from your ex-girlfriend; a different woman with a different personality and a different set of values (i.e., values more like yours).
So, unless your ex somehow recognizes her impulsivity and sincerely wants to become a better and better-controlled person (not for you, but for herself and the baby), she’s unlikely to become a stable partner for anyone. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 23, 2012
Mental illness, much like the devil, performs its greatest trick when it convinces the sufferer it doesn’t exist. That’s why some sick people don’t believe they’re sick, because they’re too sick to know, while others fall into denial rather than admit they don’t have control and can’t get it. If that includes you, don’t worry; you can force yourself to become objective as long as you’re willing to accept whatever unpleasant evidence you uncover. If it’s a matter of a deluded brain, however, you can’t recover without relying on the kindness and common sense of family and strangers to deliver you from evil.
–Dr. Lastname
I believe what started out as typical empty nest syndrome has turned into complete paralysis. I’m literally stuck in my own nest! I know it’s strictly up to me to get myself launched, but I’ve lost all confidence in my ability to go/do/be well, anything. I think it’s more than simply “get a hobby.” I’ve come to the sad reality that my “friends” were really more like “bleacher/booster buddies” from all of my kid’s activities over the years, and now I find myself without any close friends, and no real interests. I was a stay at home mom (by choice) and had always planned to get back into the workforce once my kids got older, but MS sidelined those plans, and keeps me pretty challenged nowadays. I know I need to get myself back in the game, but my list of excuses as to why this is impossible only grows over time. I’m not always mobile, I’m not confident about how I look, and I just feel like I’m boring and have nothing to offer anyone. Since I’m already assuming nobody’s going to like me, maybe I should just go eat some worms…but of course that would require a trip out my nest, and…well, I guess you get the whole “woe is me” picture. I cannot figure out where to begin to ever break this cycle of negativity. Can you help me hatch a better plan than the useless one I’m currently sitting on?
Anyone can get into a rut, but multiple sclerosis makes it much, much harder to get yourself out. You might not realize this, but your empty nest is actually more of a sick bed.
MS not only makes you doubt your stamina and physical balance, it also frequently makes your emotions more intense, particularly the negative ones that tell you you’re useless and lacking in courage.
So, when your mind tells you that you have no friends and nothing to offer, that’s the MS and depression talking. Of course, it would be easier to tune it out if there were other voices to help you do so, but the negative thoughts keep you from seeking out new company, and so the rut deepens. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 16, 2012
More often than not, being nice isn’t. It can get you focused on doing good for other not-quite-so-nice people who will never be able to return the favor, or on cleaning up impossible messes, instead of focusing on the larger, more important goals that go beyond good gestures towards common sense. Be nice if you must, but remember that you have other goals, one of which is knowing when you have to be cruel to be kind.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t stop thinking about my wife’s lack of support. I’ve supported her in everything she wanted to do, whether it was getting a professional degree or going away for a week to study photography, but now I’m the one who wants to go back to school part-time to get a special ed certificate, and she’s hemming and hawing about how we don’t have the money. I’ve done the budget, and we can get by while I’m in school, and the degree will pay off, but she’s very cool to the idea. I want her to see how unreasonable she’s being and how unfair this is after all I’ve done for her.
There’s nothing wrong with being a giving, loving partner, as long as you don’t expect the world to treat you fairly. And the world includes your wife.
Few people are nice and giving all the time. Even worse, no matter how nice you are to those around you, there are lots of people who don’t give a shit about your generosity, are teflon when it comes to good will, and are never going to be nice, period. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 9, 2012
The only thing worse than having negative feelings about someone or something for no good reason is having those feelings with every justification in the world. Either way, it’s usually better to keep those feelings to yourself, because no matter where the feelings come from, unleashing them sends them to the same place; to confuse, upset, and frustrate everyone around you. The truth about bottled-up feelings is that, with time, they don’t explode, they dissipate. Eventually, negative feelings go away, even if they don’t go quietly.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m in a very loving and healthy relationship with a divorced father of a 5-year-old. I feel we are deeply in love and we plan to marry, however, when he has his son I feel like nothing more than an outsider. Although he is very fond of me, I can’t help but be overcome with jealousy at the attention my boyfriend gives him and I distance myself in order to hide my feelings. I end up feeling isolated and alone which ends with tears if he asks me what’s wrong. I’ve tried to separate my feelings from reality, because his son deserves his attention and time. I see him light up when his kid’s around, but it’s hard for me to understand their relationship since my own father is a deadbeat and I’ve been dealing with abandonment issues my entire life. I don’t want him to feel guilty because he’s such a great dad and misses his kid and I don’t want his son to feel that I’m indifferent to him and ignore him, but I can’t help but feel like the jealous older sister. My goal is to remove myself from these emotions and learn to appreciate our unique family blend.
Don’t feel guilty for your thoughts or feelings, particularly when your actions don’t reflect those feelings. You can feel wrong as long as you do right.
And you must be doing a good job with managing your bad feelings, because, regardless of how jealous or bummed you feel when you behold your fiancé’s warm father-son relationship, you’ve done a great job of keeping them to yourself. You’ve succeeded in protecting your most important relationships from the negativity.
One definition of professionalism is behaving in a benevolent, job-oriented way without letting negative feelings show or interfere. You’re obviously a pro, particularly since you’re doing it while managing a shitload of pain. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
