Posted by fxckfeelings on August 12, 2013
Almost everyone—man, woman, and certainly fundamentalist Mormon—regards marriage as a happy ending and valuable goal in itself. It’s no wonder then that we’re reluctant to ask ourselves whether marriage is actually a good fit for everyone’s character, or whether some marriages are doomed despite lots of love and motivation on both sides. So beware of the sentimentalism of love when it applies to the unsentimental institution of wedlock. Instead, tally up the facts that come from actual behavior to determine whether marriage suits what one person needs and another person has to offer. If you’re looking to add a sister-wife, we can’t help you.
–Dr. Lastname
Now that I’m 35, I wish I could finally find a way to explain to my family that I really don’t want to get married, but they won’t hear it and think I just don’t want to grow up. It’s true that, for many years, I was out of control with drinking, drugs, and big lows, and I can understand that they don’t believe I know what’s good for me. But I’ve been sober now for five years, I take my work seriously, medication has stabilized my moods, and I’ve dated some nice girls I really care about who I enjoyed spending time with. At a certain point, however, I always start to wish they’d go home so I could do what I wanted to do, like reading or watching Netflix. I’ve remained friends with most of my exes, but I’d rather spend time alone in my own place, controlling my own time, and, while I love kids, I don’t want to raise any. So my goal is to figure out a way to get my relatives to accept my decision and stop nagging me.
It’s particularly hard to believe in the value of your own major choices if you’ve had trouble with substance abuse or mood swings, and even harder to get anyone else to believe in your major choices, especially when you make the choice to stay single and childless. Evidently, your history of addiction and mental illness is a good reason to second-guess your choices, but not your ability to raise a human.
Now that the worst of that addiction is in the past, you know that one of the great benefits of getting sober and taking time about your decisions is that you can actually come to believe in their rightness. In your case, you’ve got good evidence that there’s nothing wrong with your preferences; your emotions haven’t been controlling you, nor is a lack of good prospective partners influencing your personal choices. To paraphrase a wise, fictional Friday night football coach, you have a clear head and a full heart, so you can choose and not lose. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 8, 2013
In family disputes, the nuclear option isn’t sending a child to his room or your spouse to the sofa, it’s breaking a tense silence and dropping an angry “I told you so.” How four little words can express so much contempt, rage, and blame is a true linguistic mystery, but as phrases go, it can be a weapon of mass destruction. Instead of doing major damage by adopting the language and tactics of your enemy, choose silence, which empowers you to define positive goals and express them when your rage is under control. Then, when and if you do say “I told you so,” the words are disarmed; it’s your vision that wins and no one need feel humiliated or defeated.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve decided to leave my wife because I’m tired of always carrying the ball and cleaning up after her messes, which are frequent and horrendous, because she never seems to follow through on paying a bill or responding to mail and always pretends that there’s no problem. That means she’s the one who seems calm and says everything’s fine, and I’m the one who’s spitting mad at the late fees and legal problems she’s created, which makes my kids think I’m the bad guy. I can’t think of a thing I can tell them without expressing my rage at their mother, which just pushes them further away. Now they think she’s a marshmallow and, when she doesn’t keep her commitments, they’re sorry for her for being depressed. I think of her as a malignant marshmallow, but my silence leaves me undefended and I can’t say “I told you so” without making her look like a victim. My goal is to think of some way to break out of this prison of silence.
Being too angry to speak is like being too full to eat or too tired to move; it’s your body putting the breaks on, pulling out all the stops to save your ass.
Just as it’s better to put your fork down instead of inhale pasta ’til you puke or try to ignore your sleepiness and get behind the wheel, it’s often better to be struck dumb than to find a way to express yourself and explode your family.
You’re probably right to be afraid of the bad effect your words would have on your kids, even if your silence does little to defend you from looking like the baddie. Don’t despair, however, of finding something constructive to say. Just let your anger cool and compose yourself before beginning your composition. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 25, 2013
The phrase, “when the going gets tough, the tough get going,” is a bit unclear; after all, in a tough situation, you can either buckle down and get more focused or just give up and get going outta there. Trying harder or just giving up both give us a sense of control, but no matter where the tough go, either choice can easily make things worse. So when life becomes difficult, first assess the odds that more work will yield more positive results. Then, if there’s no way out of a tough spot, respect yourself for what it takes to eat shit and stay put. And no matter what, always make careful use of your clichés.
–Dr. Lastname
I know my adult daughter is a terrible avoider and procrastinator—she struggled all throughout school, and only graduated from college with a lot of help—but she made great progress a year ago after we developed a schedule and daily to-do list, and she was very good about using me as her coach. After her last lay-off, however, she lost steam and started looking depressed—she stopped getting up on time, keeping up with her calls, getting exercise, going through her mail, etc. She’s not totally incapacitated and we still talk every day, but she’s vague about what she’s actually accomplished. I’m thinking we should start over and develop a new system for evaluating what she needs to do and tracking whether she’s done it. When I talk with her about starting a new system, however, she gives me more vague answers, which leaves me frustrated and very, very worried. I’ve got to find some way to push her or she’ll never get going and then it will become more and more difficult for her to resume her career. She’s almost 30, and I can’t push her forever.
Throughout time, humans have developed useless-yet-comforting rituals to ease us through hopeless situations; from ducking and covering through a nuclear blast to stocking up on duct tape during an orange alert, there’s nothing like an empty ritual to distract you from the fact that, ultimately, you’re totally fucked.
As such, the good news is, you’ve done everything right by your daughter to help her manage procrastination by drawing up a schedule and to-do list and offering to track them with her. The bad news is that all those positive steps sometimes lead nowhere, and trying to figure out a new system at such a time might be about a useful as hiding under a desk to avoid a mushroom cloud. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 22, 2013
If you’ve ever driven in bad weather and started to lose control of your car, you know that your instincts, for better or worse, are to panic and let the wheel spin where it may or grip the wheel with white knuckles and try to overpower nature itself. Sadly, a lot of people react the same way when tragedy sets their own lives skidding off course, and no matter how much you understand their pain, you can’t stop them when they begin to slide. If that happens, however, to someone you share a life with, you may be able to straighten them out by following through on your own priorities and assuring them that your way, and your support, will help them retake their place at the wheel.
–Dr. Lastname
I know he can’t help it, but my husband has become a control freak and I can’t stand it. It started when our daughter was born with cystic fibrosis. She’s has been in an out of the hospital her whole life and the stress for us as parents is often overwhelming. My husband does an amazing job of keeping us organized and getting our daughter to her appointments—he was going to be a stay-at-home dad even before she got sick—but he’s also become overbearing and picky about everything we do, especially everything I do, which isn’t the way he was when we first married. I hate to criticize him when I know what’s driving him crazy and our first priority is sticking together, but I find I’m angry at him all the time and sad that we can never be close. Just because I’m not as obsessive as he is about our daughter doesn’t mean I don’t care. What can I do?
Let’s assume, for the moment, that you’ve gone through your best attempts to get your husband to see that he has become too controlling; you’ve tried to find him an ear, show him respect, and done everything short of shaking him really hard, all to no avail. In his campaign to control everything, he can’t control himself.
While getting physical is always a bad idea, so is trying to get persuasive. Instead, use your modest powers to draw the line and give him a hard time if he crosses it. This is the only way to find out whether he’s can learn to hold back for the sake of your marriage, or whether you need to put your marriage on hold. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 18, 2013
Saying that being depressed just means being sad is like saying that having cancer means feeling nauseous; depression involves a lot more than misery, including anxiety, self-doubt, exhaustion, physical pain, and even nausea, depending on the individual. Some people are always at least a little depressed because they’re never satisfied with themselves, and others have severe symptoms but only briefly after special disappointments. In either case, until depression gets it’s own chemo-like treatment, people can seldom cure their symptoms. They can, however, learn to think more positively about their lives while not confusing the pain of symptoms with failure or character defects, or the pain of life with depression in general.
–Dr. Lastname
I have a very demanding and high pressure job, part of which is done in public, so when I make a mistake, I can’t stop thinking about it or beating myself up. I always think the worst, even for the minor stuff, but I don’t understand why. I accept mistakes in others, why can’t I accept them in myself? I am not arrogant or self-important; just the opposite, I often think I’m the dumbest, most inept person in the room. I’ve had some success but I always attribute that to external forces, not anything I’ve done. This is starting to really affect my life. I cry a lot. I don’t know what to do. Please help.
The fact that you got such a demanding and high pressure/profile job probably means that you have what it takes to get it done, but part of what helped you get it and do it well is being ultra-conscientious, which means worrying, self-criticism, and now, probably, depression. Circle of life, meet circle of strife.
The good side of worry and anxiety is that they drive you to work harder and look out for mistakes. Worriers succeed, not to keep my industry alive, but because worry-genes help people survive and multiply. The negative side of these genes, however, is that they set you up for negative thinking and depression. Anxiety and depression are just two sides of the same miserable coin. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 11, 2013
While “crisis management” is fairly well-known (at least if you’re Paula Deen), we see our field as pre-crisis management, because, more often than not, it’s easier to predict a personal disaster than a natural one. Sometimes people enter into a perfectly predictable crisis because acknowledging the warning signs would ruin the romance, and other times they see the signs but keep on going anyway because planning ahead takes too much work and maybe involves math. In either case, as long as you don’t blame yourself too much and accept the fact that caution will often force you to stop when you’d really like to go forward, there’s nothing that can stop you from learning, doing better, and managing yourself before a crisis can take hold.
–Dr. Lastname
I recently relocated to a new state for better opportunities and to salvage my marriage. In the midst of everything I grew extremely fond of a co-worker and eventually fell in love, and during my new relationship, my husband moved out and we separated. Shortly after, the other man explained that his ex kept contacting him saying she was pregnant and that it could be his (they broke up three months before we met). She is married as well so she wasn’t sure who the father was. Anyway, the baby was born a few weeks ago and paternity has been established that it is his. Since he found out it is his we see each other less and less. He explains that he doesn’t want to be with her and loves me, but to see the baby, I can’t be around. I believe that if he truly loved me he would go about this the legal way, set up visitation and we can resume our relationship. I love him a great deal, but really don’t know how to handle this situation. All of my friends say jump ship and that it’s nothing but drama, I am having a hard time doing so. I really need some no nonsense, direct and honest advice.
When you fall in love with someone, you’re often eager to accept their explanations for the odd decisions they’ve made in their lives; money can’t buy love, but love can afford you a lot of forgiveness. Especially when you’ve made some odd decisions yourself.
Now that the honeymoon (and divorce, and new honeymoon) is over, it’s time you reviewed the facts, dug up more if possible, and asked yourself whether your boyfriend has ever managed commitment before, particularly when he had to do a little multitasking at the same time. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 1, 2013
Cruelty is the byproduct of both excessive involvement and a lack of involvement; a calm person who doesn’t care too much would rather nap than be abusive. As such, you’d think the best way to improve bad behavior is to straighten out the level of caring, which is the subject of many plays and stories, often on Lifetime. In reality, caring usually doesn’t change, so the best way to stop mean behavior is to measure it against moral standards and practical consequences, and then stop it, regardless of whether you’re overly sensitive, insensitive, or just overdue for a nap.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: This is our only post this week since the 4th is a holiday in the US. In the meantime, celebrate Canada Day by writing to us aboot your problems. See you next Monday!
I never understood why I hated my mother or why I couldn’t let go of my anger before she died, though I knew it bothered her. I remember resenting the way she made a big deal out of my good looks when I was growing up, and liked to show me off to her friends, but was otherwise pretty sarcastic and tough. I don’t usually get mad at most people because I don’t get that close. I know she came by her toughness honestly, because she grew up poor and worked hard all her life. I’m basically a loner except for my husband, who is really my best friend. Now, as I get older, I find myself thinking more about her and wondering why I was angry, and am still angry, and why it bothers me.
Sometimes toughness comes from not caring and sometimes it hides caring too much; there’s a reason why so many guys in prison, among their many tattoos, have ones that read “MAMA.” In your case, your pain at feeling misunderstood and mis-appreciated by your mother suggests that you cared a lot and wanted something from her she didn’t and couldn’t give.
Understanding that your mother didn’t have it to give won’t necessarily make your anger go away, however—real life not being science fiction, knowing the true name of something, be it a problem or a person, isn’t good for solving problems, just more efficient Google searches. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 27, 2013
We all have an inner-cyborg, at least in terms of having certain missions, usually involving kids and jobs, that must be carried out by any means necessary. As such, if someone or something threatens the mission, our instinct is to terminate that threat even though fighting it can sometimes put the whole mission into peril. Before entering defense mode, ask your rational, human mind what you’re doing it for and what about this process you control. Then, if and when it’s threatened, you’ll know when you’re better off accepting change and when it’s worthwhile to stand against it. You’ll also be sure that you’re a fraking human after all.
–Dr. Lastname
I am going through divorce after a long and painful marriage to a man who lied and let me down many times but was a good father to our children. We have a baby granddaughter whom we both adore. My soon to be ex has a partner who he deceived me with for years and who showed great contempt for my feelings. Our adult children only met her quite recently which I suggested in the interests of us all moving on and I have been polite to her for their sake. I have a new partner whom they like and who is kind and trustworthy. He has grandchildren of his own but this woman is childless and of menopausal age. My daughter has told me that her father has asked to take the one year old girl on a lengthy car trip to meet the extended family of this woman. She was defensive and awkward so I let it go but I feel hurt at the disloyalty. She is welcome to my weak and dishonest ex but I feel usurped. My goal is to behave well in what feels like a takeover bid.
Some people try by finding a certain spouse, or a cruel mentor, or even a drinking problem, but there really is no replacement for one’s actual mother, no matter how much you feel like your ex’s new partner is trying to become a mother to your children.
Your children will never feel about anyone the way they feel about you, and your influence will grow in proportion to your wisdom, not the guilt you can generate through disapproval. Paranoia is a mother, but it still doesn’t hold a candle to your actual motherhood. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 24, 2013
If you have problems being alone, you’re just as screwed as the guy who has problems committing to being with someone else; either way, you’re both in a bad situation, either sticking around with a bad thing or leaving a good thing because fear, not self-respect, is dictating your decisions. If you’re prepared to apply reasonable standards to your relationships, however, and stand by those standards, you can develop confidence in your ability to protect yourself from bad relationships as well as bad fears. You don’t necessarily have to love yourself to love someone else, but you do have to stop screwing yourself out of love altogether.
–Dr. Lastname
I always felt the one thing I needed for happiness was to find a guy who loved me as much as I loved him, but that I’d probably never find him, because relationships with guys either never last or they get one-sided, or both. So when I found someone I loved who really cared about me, I began to feel that I could finally relax and trust someone. The trouble is, I now have a man I love so much but he keeps doubting my love, and he’s controlling about the friends I keep, how I dress, where I go and if I miss a call he calls back to argue with me. What should I do? I am feeling hurt and lost but at the same time I feel I can’t do without him.
No matter what your heart may tell you, the only person you can’t live without is yourself. The only exceptions to this rule are conjoined twins (who might actually share a heart) and dogs who happen to read advice websites.
That’s why it’s foolish to scare yourself then into thinking you’re more dependent or desperate than you really are. You coped with loneliness before, so you can do it again, especially now that you’ve acquired the wisdom that you not only deserve someone who can love you back, you someone who isn’t a suspicious, controlling Asshole™. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 17, 2013
Most people have that one whiny friend or family member who constantly traps them in the same, stupid, draining conversation, but there are different kinds of bait that keep us coming back. Some complainants keep you trapped with compliments, others take an opposing tact with criticism, but either way, the result is a guilty, captive audience. In any case, don’t let yourself get trapped by feeling responsible for providing support and advice, especially when you know it isn’t doing any good. Drop their troubles from your list of acceptable topics and prepare to spend your time doing other things until they’re ready to accept your terms for having a good conversation, like talking to anyone else.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m a reasonably attractive guy with a good job and maybe I work too hard, but I always find time for my friends and family. I haven’t had luck finding a good woman, so I’ve been particularly available to my brother, who always needs extra help. I love him dearly, but he’s a fuck-up who drinks too much and always finds a way to get himself into trouble. He’s got a couple great sons, but he married a crazy monster, and now that they’re divorcing he’s given her great ammunition to keep the kids from seeing him, or me, by not showing up for visitation or keeping up with child support. My brother tells me I’m the only person he can trust and talk to since our parents died and he doesn’t know what he’d do without me, but I dread our conversations because he does nothing but complain about how awful things are, never takes responsibilities for changing them, and never listens to advice. Meanwhile, I feel my life is empty, I’ll never see my nephews again, and I’ll never have a family of my own. I can’t seem to get out of a horrible rut.
While you might feel like your life is empty, it’s actually quite full; like it or not, you have a special someone in your life, he just happens to be your brother. And he’s not leaving a hell of a lot of room in your life for anyone else.
Of course, it seems important to help your orphaned brother and accept a responsibility that expands the more trouble he gets himself into. What you haven’t done, however, is stop to ask yourself what supporting him is doing to the rest of your social life and whether it’s really doing him any good at all. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
