Posted by fxckfeelings on August 29, 2013
Whether you believe in a particular psychotherapy or find the very prospect of head-shrinkery scary, don’t let the emotions that draw you towards or away from the therapist’s couch drive your treatment decisions. Develop your own fact-based procedures for deciding whether you’re fucked-up enough to need therapy and, if so, whether there’s a treatment that isn’t too risky and has a good enough track record. Maybe we’d all like the experts to figure that out and make such decisions for us, but we’re better off picking the brains of experts and then making treatment decisions, pro or con, for ourselves.
–Dr. Lastname
Please note: We’re taking next week off for a long-deserved summer vacation, but look forward to hearing about your back-to-school/work misery when we return.
How long is too long to be in therapy? I have been in therapy for four years now, and it has helped enormously. I went into therapy initially because of a trauma situation, but I don’t want to stop, even though I’ve long worked through that trauma, because I still think I can benefit. Still, now that I reached the four-year mark, I’m wondering, how long is too long?
If you’ve read this blog, you’re probably aware of our belief that the most important goal of mental health treatment is seldom to relieve all your pain; that’s usually an impossible pursuit, or one that just shifts the pain from your head to your wallet and your friends, who are sick of hearing about what you learned in therapy.
The better goal of therapy is to use it to figure out how to prevent that pain from interfering with the way you think about, and lead, your life, and lucky for you (and us), your question reflects this healthy priority. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 26, 2013
Dealing with a loved one who is fucking up his life or with his family who are the captive victims of his behavior is a lot like being held hostage and being your own hostage negotiator; it’s hard not to become both helpless and emotionally pushy. If you are careful to remember what you don’t control, however, you can give good, strong advice without feeling guilty about not doing enough or causing conflict by voicing blame. You may first need to get coaching from experts, particularly those who’ve been through the process themselves, before you can negotiate well, but, once you’ve picked up the skill, you’ll be as helpful as possible. You can certainly free yourself, and you might do much to help your captor, as well.
–Dr. Lastname
My 30-year-old daughter got married late last year to the father of her baby and they bought a house, have jobs and seemed to be doing well. I was concerned about the brevity of his previous marriage, his jealousy, his attitude to money and a niggling voice in my head, but I tried to be positive and support her choice. I put her unhappiness down to post natal depression until she admitted that he has huge debts, is a liar and a bully, and she suspects be is having an affair. He has spent all her money so she can’t afford a lawyer. Now his mother is getting involved—she covers up for him and called his last wife “evil,” but we have discovered that her experience was similar and that he has a long trail of debt, infidelity and general chaos. I am willing to give my daughter and grandchild a home but am going through my own divorce so it’s tough. My soon-to-be ex is worried but subject to the demands of his new partner so most of it falls on me, and we’ve already lent them money. How do I give support without taking over when my daughter seems overwhelmed and doesn’t take my advice?
Unfortunately, your daughter suffers from a very specific colorblindness—the kind that impairs the ability to see red flags—and now she feels very stuck in a situation that only she could not see coming.
Even as you swoop in to guide her through the aftermath, that doesn’t have to mean that you’re taking control of her life, though her dependence on your resources means you’ll have a strong influence. You can be a good teacher and firm manager and also respect her independence and choices; she’s not totally blind, so your guidance need not be absolute. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 15, 2013
As feelings go, envy is an amazing two-fer—by hating others for having what you want and yourself for wanting it, you accomplish twice the useless negativity in half the time. Luckily, we’re here to remind you that feeling envious and like a loser seldom has anything to do with being a loser, just that you’re down on yourself for failing to perform, or are flooded with memories of all the times you came up short. So don’t let envious loser feelings have very real, negative effect on relationships, beginning with the one you have with yourself. Until someone finds a cure for that evil/efficient feeling—and better performance isn’t usually the answer—you need to remember what you value, other than high performance, so that your feelings of being a loser can never persuade you that you are one.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m going through one of my regular bouts of deep unhappiness, and there is a common cause to each bout—I am useless at everything. The problem is made worse because I have a partner who is so talented and brilliant at everything that I want to be talented and brilliant at. We do the same work (same company) and his feedback from clients is fantastic. He has a huge and positive impact on people generally. He also likes to write and is better at that than me. So I feel rather pathetic and that I have no strengths or skills or talents. It’s always been this way (since my teens—I am now verging on middle age!) only now I have a mirror reflecting back all the things I want to be and yet lack. I’m not sure how to get beyond this enduring sense of being a rather worthless human being.
Envy is a tough feeling to live with, particularly for those who are both particularly envious and ambitions. For them envy is like carbs; if it isn’t turned into fuel, pushing them forward, it clings to them and weighs them down.
Given that few envious people actually get to surround themselves with people who have less than they do, those not propelled by envy feel as trapped as someone in skinny jeans at Thanksgiving dinner, seldom able to escape or satisfy their misery-making feelings. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 1, 2013
Self-confidence, like humility, is least often felt by those who deserve it most—call it the Trump theory of confidence conservation, with the baselessly-smug balancing out the needlessly self-doubting. Instead of paying attention to feelings of self-assurance, decide whether you or others have done their best, given what’s available. If so, try to act on that judgment, regardless of how you feel or how much confidence you encounter. Then you’ll do right by yourself and feel good about it, but not Donald-good, if you know what’s good for you.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know what to make of my wife’s efforts to find a job. When we married two years ago, she had a good job and enough money to take care of herself, but then she was put on probation—it didn’t bother her—and, since getting fired, she doesn’t seem to be trying hard to find new work. She knocks herself out to help me with errands, but then she always eats out for lunch and spends her time shopping with money she doesn’t really have. She doesn’t look worried, but I can’t get a straight story out of her about her budget or savings, and I’m beginning to worry what will happen when the money runs out. That includes my money, because I can’t afford to support the two of us indefinitely, particularly with her level of spending. I don’t want to undermine her confidence, which she obviously has lots of, or to mess up a loving relationship, but I’m afraid of what will happen if I say nothing. So what should I say?
Some people have an unshakeable confidence in themselves but shouldn’t, and for them, there is little solace. Everybody worries about people with low self-esteem, but for those with excessive self-esteem, the world is a cold place. On the other hand, they have so much faith in themselves, they don’t care.
Those with excessive self-esteem don’t necessarily suffer from too much pride or big egos, or deny some truth they don’t want to face. They just don’t see how fucked up they are because they believe they’re completely capable, and it prevents them from doing anything about their problems. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 22, 2013
If you’ve ever driven in bad weather and started to lose control of your car, you know that your instincts, for better or worse, are to panic and let the wheel spin where it may or grip the wheel with white knuckles and try to overpower nature itself. Sadly, a lot of people react the same way when tragedy sets their own lives skidding off course, and no matter how much you understand their pain, you can’t stop them when they begin to slide. If that happens, however, to someone you share a life with, you may be able to straighten them out by following through on your own priorities and assuring them that your way, and your support, will help them retake their place at the wheel.
–Dr. Lastname
I know he can’t help it, but my husband has become a control freak and I can’t stand it. It started when our daughter was born with cystic fibrosis. She’s has been in an out of the hospital her whole life and the stress for us as parents is often overwhelming. My husband does an amazing job of keeping us organized and getting our daughter to her appointments—he was going to be a stay-at-home dad even before she got sick—but he’s also become overbearing and picky about everything we do, especially everything I do, which isn’t the way he was when we first married. I hate to criticize him when I know what’s driving him crazy and our first priority is sticking together, but I find I’m angry at him all the time and sad that we can never be close. Just because I’m not as obsessive as he is about our daughter doesn’t mean I don’t care. What can I do?
Let’s assume, for the moment, that you’ve gone through your best attempts to get your husband to see that he has become too controlling; you’ve tried to find him an ear, show him respect, and done everything short of shaking him really hard, all to no avail. In his campaign to control everything, he can’t control himself.
While getting physical is always a bad idea, so is trying to get persuasive. Instead, use your modest powers to draw the line and give him a hard time if he crosses it. This is the only way to find out whether he’s can learn to hold back for the sake of your marriage, or whether you need to put your marriage on hold. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 18, 2013
Saying that being depressed just means being sad is like saying that having cancer means feeling nauseous; depression involves a lot more than misery, including anxiety, self-doubt, exhaustion, physical pain, and even nausea, depending on the individual. Some people are always at least a little depressed because they’re never satisfied with themselves, and others have severe symptoms but only briefly after special disappointments. In either case, until depression gets it’s own chemo-like treatment, people can seldom cure their symptoms. They can, however, learn to think more positively about their lives while not confusing the pain of symptoms with failure or character defects, or the pain of life with depression in general.
–Dr. Lastname
I have a very demanding and high pressure job, part of which is done in public, so when I make a mistake, I can’t stop thinking about it or beating myself up. I always think the worst, even for the minor stuff, but I don’t understand why. I accept mistakes in others, why can’t I accept them in myself? I am not arrogant or self-important; just the opposite, I often think I’m the dumbest, most inept person in the room. I’ve had some success but I always attribute that to external forces, not anything I’ve done. This is starting to really affect my life. I cry a lot. I don’t know what to do. Please help.
The fact that you got such a demanding and high pressure/profile job probably means that you have what it takes to get it done, but part of what helped you get it and do it well is being ultra-conscientious, which means worrying, self-criticism, and now, probably, depression. Circle of life, meet circle of strife.
The good side of worry and anxiety is that they drive you to work harder and look out for mistakes. Worriers succeed, not to keep my industry alive, but because worry-genes help people survive and multiply. The negative side of these genes, however, is that they set you up for negative thinking and depression. Anxiety and depression are just two sides of the same miserable coin. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 15, 2013
Love and hate aren’t opposites, they’re siblings, which is why there’s a level of hatred you can only feel for someone you’re involved with, and at your rage-iest moments, it’s often hard to figure out whether your relationship is healthy. It’s especially difficult at those times since you may be too distracted by love, hate, rage, passion, etc. to define the specific requirements that matter most to a partnership or you may be too spooked by a close relationship to ever feel comfortable. In either case, a little hate in a relationship is healthy; it’s being too indifferent, either to make the effort to assess what you need or learn how to assert yourself with your partner, that spells trouble.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m really stuck on my relationship. The first year was great, then we moved in and I’ve been in this space of questioning it ever since. I’ve never lived with anyone and have only had one other long-term relationship so have little to compare it to. I have come to realize over the past year through counseling that my thoughts about relationships have been mostly fantasies, thinking that it’s easy and fulfilling all the time. This one has required me to do a lot of ‘work’ overcoming this, compromising, changing my views, and pushing myself to bring up difficult conversations. We are great friends and have similar values, which I think is what holds us together. However on a day-to-day basis we argue quit a bit, have different preferences on lifestyle (he likes to be out all the time, I am a home body), and sometimes have different views on romantic relationships. I understand that differences are inevitable but what I am really having trouble with is determining if I should continue to work on these issues and accept that relationships have never been easy for me, or if he’s not the right match. I could keep looking and find myself in the same boat with another man a few years later. Or, I could be realistic, know that it’s not like it is in the movies and settle down and start a family, which is ultimately what I want. What is your view on this?
To paraphrase Tolstoy, all successful relationships are alike; every unhappy relationship is unhappy in its own way. The signs pointing to a partner’s worthiness are fairly obvious—if they’re responsible, share your values and your friends, all factors you’re taking into account—but the small things that can doom a relationship are often more unique.
You’re on the right track about advancing a close relationship by living together to discover how you and your boyfriend gel in very realistic, specific ways, but you need to be even more specific now about the significant differences that remain between you and your partner, particularly if, as you say, you want to start a family. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 1, 2013
Cruelty is the byproduct of both excessive involvement and a lack of involvement; a calm person who doesn’t care too much would rather nap than be abusive. As such, you’d think the best way to improve bad behavior is to straighten out the level of caring, which is the subject of many plays and stories, often on Lifetime. In reality, caring usually doesn’t change, so the best way to stop mean behavior is to measure it against moral standards and practical consequences, and then stop it, regardless of whether you’re overly sensitive, insensitive, or just overdue for a nap.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: This is our only post this week since the 4th is a holiday in the US. In the meantime, celebrate Canada Day by writing to us aboot your problems. See you next Monday!
I never understood why I hated my mother or why I couldn’t let go of my anger before she died, though I knew it bothered her. I remember resenting the way she made a big deal out of my good looks when I was growing up, and liked to show me off to her friends, but was otherwise pretty sarcastic and tough. I don’t usually get mad at most people because I don’t get that close. I know she came by her toughness honestly, because she grew up poor and worked hard all her life. I’m basically a loner except for my husband, who is really my best friend. Now, as I get older, I find myself thinking more about her and wondering why I was angry, and am still angry, and why it bothers me.
Sometimes toughness comes from not caring and sometimes it hides caring too much; there’s a reason why so many guys in prison, among their many tattoos, have ones that read “MAMA.” In your case, your pain at feeling misunderstood and mis-appreciated by your mother suggests that you cared a lot and wanted something from her she didn’t and couldn’t give.
Understanding that your mother didn’t have it to give won’t necessarily make your anger go away, however—real life not being science fiction, knowing the true name of something, be it a problem or a person, isn’t good for solving problems, just more efficient Google searches. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 30, 2013
While we all work for a boss in one way or another, it’s safer to do so strictly for the paycheck, instead of the emotional reward of approval. Otherwise, caring too much about whether the boss appreciates your performance can ruin your job satisfaction, even when you know you’ve done it well, or spark you into self-destructive rebellion. So the best thing to do is not work too hard for the boss, the Man, or the Woman; it’s to become your own judge of what constitutes a good day’s work and a reasonable worker’s boss, judge yourself accordingly, and keep getting paid.
–Dr. Lastname
I loved my job at the nursing home for the first 20 years or so, and we were a great team, but the last ten years have been much harder, mainly because we had to move further away because of my wife’s work and I’ve had a tough 90 minute commute each way ever since. I worked extra hard, stayed late, and continued to do the job pretty well, but between being tired and older, I stopped enjoying it and I think my boss was less happy with me. I needed the work, however, so I soldiered along and never got a bad performance review, though it was hard feeling my boss and I were no longer as friendly as we used to be. Six months ago I decided it was time to retire—the kids have graduated college and the pension isn’t bad—so I announced it to my boss, and since then it’s gotten more painful. He didn’t hide his relief and immediately hired my replacement, whom I’m supposed to train. My goal is to get over feeling like I’ve failed at the job that I gave most of my life to, since they’re really glad to see me go.
No one who labors for ten years at a job requiring a three-hour daily commute in order to support his family and secure a pension should ever consider himself a failure, let alone give a shit what anyone else thinks, especially on your way out.
If your boss is eager to see you go, then that’s his problem; you gave him many years of good work and dedicated service, and countless hours suffering through gridlock and morning zoo radio shows. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 16, 2013
Criticism, like network sitcoms, gas station food, and internet trolls, requires careful consideration before you decide whether it’s worth taking to heart/anymore of your time. Unfortunately, many people in relationships immediately take and react to their partner’s criticism, even when it’s wrong, either because they’re so used to being in the wrong and feeling guilty, or because they have such a strong need for unconditional (or just fairly conditional) approval that they can’t stand not getting it. In any case, before you react to your spouse’s disapproval, consult your own standards of behavior and respect yourself if you know you’re living up to them, outsourcing the need for praise to friends or hairdressers if approval is really that important. As long as you respect your own good judgment, you’ll have no problem managing judgments you don’t agree with, and won’t have to waste your time feeling annoyed, sick or guilty over bad TV, bad sushi, or bad criticism again.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t stand my husband’s criticism but the fact is, I’ve deserved it, because I’ve been a lush for twenty years and not much use after 9 PM. I’ve always worked hard and the kids think I was a pretty good parent before 9. Still, I feel I’ve been a failure as a wife, even though I think one reason I drank so much is because my husband’s overbearing criticism really got on my nerves, and booze was the easiest way to cope. Anyway, now that the kids are grown and I’ve had more than a couple medical problems, I got myself sober, but the marriage is really no better. My husband tells me in couples therapy that our family would be a lot more secure financially if I hadn’t been a drinker (which is really bullshit) and that I still haven’t really acknowledged what a big burden I put on him (I’ve said I’m sorry, but it’s never enough). Meanwhile, he blames me for ruining his life and burning the steak. I’m so angry I’m not sure I want to stay with him, but it’s hard to have any conversation that doesn’t turn on his right to be angry at me, which I think, given my history, he has. My goal is to figure out whether I want to stay with him for the next part of my life.
One of the unfortunate things that happen when you’re ashamed of bad behavior in a close relationship is that you lose the ability to stand up for yourself, even when your behavior is actually OK. You might always be an alcoholic, but you’re not always going to be at fault for everything in your husband’s life that goes wrong.
Escaping into drinking, affairs, or any major kind of avoidance may give you temporary relief from an unhappy relationship, but it also secures your right to feel even more totally responsible for that unhappiness than you did in the first place. You’re essentially breaking out of one prison and into another, even shittier one. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
