Posted by fxckfeelings on November 11, 2010
Anger is commonly taken as a sign of imbalance, sickness, and a personal failure to find peace. Anyone who’s ever had their lunch money stolen, been married (or divorced), or just driven in downtown Boston, however, knows that the above notion is bullshit; anger is what it is, and is often unavoidable. As with most of life’s near-uncontrollable impulses, it’s what you do with it, or what you let it do to you, that counts.
–Dr. Lastname
I was diagnosed with Parkinsons five years ago, and cannot for the life of me figure out how to get beyond being PISSED OFF about it. No, I don’t want to find a new hobby, interest or job. I was perfectly happy with my “pre-Parkinsons” hobbies, interests and job…thankyouverymuch. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sitting around throwing what anyone would consider a pity party; in fact, I have people frequently tell me how amazed they are at how well I’ve adjusted to my “new life”. I’m doing all those “plan B” hobbies, interests and jobs that any self-respecting chronically diseased person should attempt to do. But, the bottom line is that I HATE all this plan B bullsh*t! So far, all the talk therapy, antidepressants, Zen type activities and straight up “get a grip” self talk have proven no match for my anger. Quality of life is much more important to me than quantity, so I’m in serious need of a plan C that includes quality improvement. Any suggestions on how I can get the hell out of my own way long enough to ever device a plan C?
Anyone who writes as eloquently and vigorously as you do has a curse as well as a gift: high expectations for a life that meets your standards for fun, creativity, and excellence.
While your gifts make you a more interesting person, there’s a special hell reserved for those with special gifts who develop them well…and then run into a brick wall.
Other people think you’ve still got lots going for you, and they’re right to some degree. What you know, however, is how far short you, and life, fall below expectations. It feels like a personal failure and total fuck-up, which, to every degree, is wrong.
In addition, neurological illness can have a direct effect on the parts of your brain that control rage and pleasure. You can be doing all the right things—and are, from the sound of it—and still feel explosively miserable, not because you’re reacting to illness, but because of your illness.
So, it’s no surprise that Parkinsons has left you madder’n hell, and I don’t see why you should expect that to change. You were happy when you were firing on all cylinders; now you can’t, and you’re not, and you’re not the kind of person to get over it, at least not completely.
That said, ask yourself what else makes your life meaningful other than doing the things you love to do and being happy. What seems to matter to you is doing the most with what you’ve got and, I would guess, helping others and being a good friend to those you care about.
You’ve probably thought of this, but I bet you’d be of particular help to other people with neurological illness who struggle with anger. In the beginning, it might help you to know that you aren’t alone and that there are good, respectable people who feel the same way and can’t help it.
As time went on, you’d also come to appreciate how hard it is for someone to do the good, constructive things you’ve done, particularly when the anger won’t let up. Then other people would take hope from seeing what you’ve done. It might not be as good as one of your “plan A” hobbies– it’s probably better.
You might even find yourself specializing in helping those who are really, really angry. Hey, a lot of us get into this business for similar reasons, and that’s why we get as much out of it as our patients do.
So don’t “get a grip,” get a posse. And then maybe, if it appeals to you, a practice.
STATEMENT:
“I wish I could achieve a little serenity about my chronic illness, but I can’t, so I’ll try to be serene about my rage instead. I’ll try to continue to do good in this world, even if I can never feel good, and take pride in the way I fuckin’ bear this fuckin’ burden.”
I hate my wife so much it’s hard to live with her or remember what a good marriage we used to have. In the old days, she was wonderful at throwing parties and having fun and buying me beautiful presents, and we traveled everywhere. Then, after an unfortunate financial wipe-out, she became a miser and a nag. She doesn’t mind living on less; she does volunteer work and is happy with her hobbies. I, on the other hand, feel like life has become miserable and I’ve lost my best friend and she doesn’t understand or care how I feel. I’ve also cut back on spending and I work pretty hard; and, shortly after this crisis, I discovered I’m bipolar and I’ve learned how to manage my mood swings pretty well, but there are times I can’t stop myself from snarling at her and wishing she was dead. I hate feeling this way.
Anger is a kind of agony, unless you have some hope of smiting your tormentor or achieving some kind of relief/release, in which case you have a lust that is usually stronger than lust (and no fear of the criminal justice system).
The trouble is, anger is everywhere and unavoidable unless you’ve been lobotomized; irritability is a common symptom of mood swings, both highs and lows, and that’s excluding the many uncontrollably irritating things that can happen to you.
So it’s no wonder that the main reason many people see shrinks is to get over their rage. In the words of the preacher in The Big Chill, “I’m angry and I don’t know what to do with my anger.” I don’t know what to do with it, either, but I don’t mind being paid to think about it.
Between your bipolar mood swings, and your need for excitement (which is part of having bipolar mood swings), you’re bound to feel angry, particularly if you have to rein yourself in. You’re the object of a double reining: from an exhausted bank account and mood stabilizers. In other words, you’re double fucked.
Then again, remember the main reason most of us get married– to have someone to blame. As such, it’s very hard for you not to hate your wife, which brings up another positive observation: your hate hasn’t stopped you from doing many good things, like working hard, trimming your budget, and sticking with your wife. You’re suffering and whining, but doing (most of) the right things.
If you think you’re supposed to be happy, given your temperament and budget, then think again. If, however, you know you’re cursed, then you can really appreciate the unexpected strength you’ve shown. You haven’t let your anger push you into drugs, sloth, or running away.
So take it up one more level. Respect what you’ve done, and use your self-respect to bottle up your anger a little more, and treat your wife better. You may well recover some of that good old chemistry if you can trim the nasty behavior (and accept a trimmed down budget).
STATEMENT:
“I miss the good old spending days and feel hopeless and angry when I have to think of living on a budget and never spree-ing again. I wish my rage would ease up; but that doesn’t seem to be in the cards. So I’m proud that I’ve stuck with my values, no matter how bitter I feel, in most areas of my life; and I wish I could stick with them in the one relationship that is most important to me and that, unfortunately, has absorbed the brunt of the anger I can’t express elsewhere.”
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 8, 2010
Sometimes asking questions over and over again is a good way to avoid the fact that you already know the answers, you just don’t like them. The answers are probably bad news that require you to live with pain, but by refusing to accept them, you don’t postpone that pain, just force yourself to keep living with the same problems with the added extra of uncertainty and compound pain interest. It’s better to take the answer you don’t want and face the truth bravely, even if the truth is that you’re fucked.
–Dr. Lastname
I take medication for my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and every night, when I take my pill, I wash it down with a couple of beers. My OCD takes the form of compulsive worrying about my health, or the possible bad effects of things I’ve done, and it’s partially prevented me from practicing law. I know you’re not supposed to drink when you take meds like this, but the beer helps me sleep, and my OCD hasn’t gotten worse with the booze. Still, I know it’s a bad idea, and while my primary care physician and my psychiatrist have said it’s OK, they seem a little doubtful. At the same time, they can’t point me to any definitive articles on the subject. My goal is to get you to give me an answer that will make me comfortable.
If your OCD is worrying compulsively about your health, and you’re searching for a definitive opinion to help you stop worrying about your health…surely you see how you’re putting the symptom before the horse.
You already know that the comfortable feelings you get from experts’ answers don’t last long; they can seldom stand up to new doubts prompted by afterthoughts, things you’ve read, and the general mental itch, I’ve-got-to-check-things-over-again-OCD feeling.
Comfortable is not an option. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 1, 2010
Technically speaking, any citizen of the first world has the opportunity to be rich and powerful…except for the fact of life’s shitty, unavoidable obstacles, like being sick, poor, or just plain unlucky. If you can’t reach the dream of power and a powerboat, especially after working hard and overcoming an obstacle or two, feelings of loserdom begin to sink in. Neither owning a mansion nor overcoming poverty, however, make you a worthy individual (though they may make you feel like one). You can never be a loser if you make the best of your hard luck and build values that will protect your self-respect from the helpless humiliation of being poor and yachtless.
–Dr. Lastname
It took me forever to get my engineering degree because I had to work and go to night school, but I stuck with it because I believed it would get me a good, secure job. What’s killing me is that, now that I’m qualified, I can’t find one, because I don’t have a driver’s license, because the idea of driving gives me panic attacks. Meanwhile, my classmates have gotten all the good jobs and are moving ahead. I’m feeling angry, bitter, and depressed, and I know it’s my own fault. My goal is to get over my fears so all my work doesn’t go to waste.
You’re right to be frightened of panic attacks, because, in addition to making you feel terrible, they can come on just when you need to be at your best, look confident, and show you’re reliable. They’re the acne of mental health.
Like bad zits, they tend to come back whenever they want, for no reason you’ll ever understand, and picking at it just makes it worse.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 25, 2010
No matter how much you love someone, you might not be able to read them that well; signals get crossed, personalities clash, pissyness abounds. You can try to improve “communication” through several years/thousand dollars on relationship therapies, but you can never change your personality or the personality of the person you happen to love who also happens to drive you crazy. If you can never perfectly read someone, you can learn to recognize the warning signs of unavoidable conflict and accept the pain as the necessary price of making things work. It’s not a perfect solution, but it’s cheaper than therapy, and cheaper still than divorce.
–Dr. Lastname
My 18-year-old nephew moved in with me and my boyfriend this summer to be close to the internship program he’s doing this year. I love my nephew, and he’s very smart about computers, but he’s a really geeky kid and never very quick to notice how people are reacting; when monopolizes the TV or leaves a mess in the kitchen, my boyfriend tries to make it clear he’s annoyed, but it goes straight over my nephew’s head. My boyfriend’s about had it and wants my nephew out because he thinks the kid’s a selfish jerk (instead of just a nerdy dork). My boyfriend, needless to say, hasn’t lived with kids in many years and tends to take things personally. My goal is to get my boyfriend to back off and/or my nephew to tune in.
Cursed be the peacemaker, because the only agreement that peacemakers are certain to create between warring parties is that they both hate the peacemaker.
If you press your boyfriend to be nicer, he’ll wonder why you’re more sympathetic to a self-absorbed, snotty kid than to your long-term, adult partner.
Your nephew, if he notices the tension at all, will wonder why his aunt can’t protect him from being picked on (and why nobody can protect him, since this probably happens all the time). Good intentions are dangerous, in a situation like this, unless you’re careful about your goals.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 21, 2010
When life spins out of control, so does morale. When it feels like you’re living in a flaming, crowded theater, it’s more normal to issue dire warnings, cast blame, and look for desperate solutions. If, however, after reviewing your options realistically, you can assure yourself that you’ve done whatever it is you could do, you can retain your pride and helps others retain theirs. That won’t give you control, but it will decrease the panic and put the fires out.
–Dr. Lastname
My 25-year-old daughter barely talks to me because I’m the one who reminds her that she’s bipolar. She gets mad at me whenever I bring it up, but I’ve got to say something, because someone needs to tell her to take her medication and stay away from her drinking buddies. She’s such a good kid, and it’s awful to watch her lose control and then have everyone take advantage of her. The trouble is, I know how bad the prognosis is for her illness, and after four hospital admissions and no job held for more than a month, I fear for her. My goal is to help her and have a better relationship with her.
If you want to express negative emotions about your kid’s mental illness, tell your shrink, hairdresser, crossing-guard, whomever. Anyone but the kid herself.
Mental illness is scary and depressing, but for the parent of a mentally ill child, make like your home is on the range: never should be heard a discouraging word. Expressing negative emotions almost always makes things worse.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 18, 2010
To paraphrase Homer Simpson’s thoughts on alcohol; for the depression-prone especially, fear is the cause of, and result of, all of life’s problems. When you’re afraid, it seems like you’re losing control, and nothing will work unless you get it back, which will just dig you deeper. Life can and will always take away your control, so your job is to forget control and preserve your values using whatever you have, regardless of result. You may not be able to cure yourself of depression, alcoholism, or anything else that ails you, but you shouldn’t hide and give up. Remember, to further paraphrase Homer Simpson, the answers to life’s problems aren’t found through control, they’re found on the internet.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve been so depressed I can barely get out of bed, so at this point, I’m willing to try medication. The problem is, none of the pills I try seem to work for me, and some of them make me feel worse. One antidepressant made me dizzy, and another one my doctor recommended is said to cause weight gain, and another sometimes causes a severe rash. I’m desperate, but there’s got to be a way to feel better without a fucking rash. I need something that will work without doing me serious harm.
If you’re looking for an antidepressant that’s sure to help and has never caused harm, stop your search now. Like cold fusion, unicorns, and a good Joel Schumacher movie, such a pill doesn’t exist.
Refusing a medication because it makes you gain weight is like skipping chemotherapy because of possible hair loss. Expecting too much from antidepressants, or any medication, can paralyze you and prevent you from getting the actual help they might be able to provide.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 30, 2010
There’s something about the decision to take or not take medication that makes people very reactive to feelings, both theirs and others, instead of just weighing the important stuff, like the risks, their symptoms, etc. The only good way to make medication decisions is to think about what will happen to you without them and decide for yourself what will do you the most good. Until the day others can feel sick on your behalf, their reactions to your own carefully thought out medical choices shouldn’t come first.
–Dr. Lastname
Given all my issues, I’m not doing so badly, although it’s true I have a $400/week speed habit. Even with that though, I’m doing well at a demanding, high-powered job, meeting all the overtime demands, and then, at quitting time, when I’ve gotten paid and don’t want to feel bored or alone, that’s where speed comes in. A few years ago, I had a crazy, manic mental breakdown and they started me on medication, which I’ve taken regularly, but I’ve been doing fine ever since, my mood is great, the speed hasn’t bothered me, so I don’t see why I can’t start cutting back on the meds. That’s my goal: to feel OK without meds.
Whether it’s bad for you to use speed or stop your bipolar medications depends a lot on what you believe you need for your future survival, assuming that you care about it.
Since I don’t think that’s a safe assumption, let’s assume you’ll at least consider caring about it after you read my response.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 20, 2010
Since breaking up always feels, well, shitty, people often wonder what they’ve done wrong, should have done differently, what’s wrong with them, etc. Odds are, the person dumping you does think there’s something wrong with you that will never change, but usually, the quality they find wrong in you is probably just wrong for them. People don’t change, that’s true, but that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to let your faults run out of control. So cheer up, dumpees– you might not be right for that certain someone, but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong in general.
–Dr. Lastname
I had to break up with my boyfriend recently, even though we always thought we’d get married and start a family together, because I got matched in another city for the best residency program for my specialty. He felt that moving out of state would lose him the chance to make partner at one of the most prestigious law firms here, where he’s been working for the past 4 years, so he couldn’t leave. He’s a good guy and we were both serious about commitment and our careers and now I feel like, if I couldn’t make it work with him, my soul mate, then there’s no hope and no point in starting over. My goal is to figure out whether it’s worth trying again.
When it comes to falling in love with someone who shares your interests, it’s exciting to find someone who’s just as ambitious and hard-driving as you are. I’m sure you two put the power in “power couple.”
History teaches us, however, that two powerful go-getters don’t always make the best match. Just ask Hillary.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on September 2, 2010
Being a negative pessimist doesn’t necessarily mean you’re chronically depressed, and being a blind optimist doesn’t exactly mean you’re a flakey idiot. However, if you do find yourself unable to see a silver lining, or have to deal with someone too blissed out to ever see storm clouds, it can be problematic. Instead of trying to change yourself or someone else, you’d be better off learning to accept whatever you get in your glass, whether it’s half-empty or half-full.
–Dr. Lastname
What I would like to share with you, and in turn, hear you share your thoughts about, is chronic unhappiness. Is there ever an end to depression and its shadow? Is there a way to “get over it’? My goal is to be able to live beyond depression and to actually grow from it. Sure, I hate those books where people claim to be grateful to their depression… but I hate it mainly because I resent their ability to feel that way! What do you think?
There’s no way to “get over” problems you have no control of in the first place and, no matter what form it comes in (shitty in-law, brain tumor, Hurricane Earl, etc). Chronic unhappiness is high on that “uncontrollable” list.
So now you have to ask yourself what it means to “get over” an uncontrollable problem. Usually, it means you’ve asked yourself to do the impossible and thus given yourself a chronic headache to top off your chronic unhappiness.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on August 30, 2010
Someday, people with psychiatric problems will get safe, effective treatment without having to make difficult choices, and Thanksgiving dinner will come in a pill, and jetpacks will be available cheaply for every man, woman and child. For now, the state of the art is much better than it’s ever been, but it’s still primitive, and it certainly isn’t inexpensive. Until the silver bullet for curing mental illness is found, patients have to make innumerable tough decisions for themselves, weighing everything from side effects to costs. Or they can just bide their time until their jetpacks arrive to make everything better.
–Dr. Lastname
I decided recently to listen to my friends and family and see a psychiatrist about my depression, but I don’t know whether I’ve made the wrong decision, or whether I’ve just chosen the wrong doctor. Basically, I decided to get help because I feel helpless, but my doctor wants me to do a lot of the work myself and doesn’t really help that much. It’s not just he wants me to ask myself a lot of questions (and answer them—if I had the answers, would I really be paying him?—but also deal with my insurance company and read up on the medication he suggests (he tells me about them, sure, but he says I owe it to myself to read up on them on my own, and that doesn’t make sense to me since he’s a doctor, knows everything about the pills, and he could just tell me himself). My goal is to figure out whether therapy is worth it, or whether I’m just getting help from the wrong source.
I hate to sound like your psychiatrist, but ask yourself what you have a right to expect from treatment, given what you know about its limits and your resources for paying for it.
If you want, you can spin things positively by saying that you’ve heard about good new treatments that can really help and that you’ve got great insurance that you pay a ton of money for. Of course, you’d probably be full of shit.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
