Posted by fxckfeelings on March 4, 2010
We all have different standards for bad behavior; some people hate themselves for eating more than 1000 calories a day, while others don’t understand why you think it’s such a big deal that they drive drunk. While the opinions of those close to you are worth considering, the only true judge for what’s right and wrong is, surprise, you. Just as long as you weigh all the risks and benefits (and eat a cookie and/or call a taxi).
–Dr. Lastname
Do you think sex addiction is a real disease that needs therapy, or is it a way to make a big deal out of nothing that helps cheaters and the people they cheat on feel better while people in your business get paid? I love my wife—we’ve been together for almost 20 years—but I don’t think anyone would say I have an disease because I grab a little extra action if the opportunity comes along. I don’t think she knows I’m not faithful, it doesn’t happen that often, and I don’t think it hurts our marriage at all. It’s not like I have a steady mistress; I just end up going home with women I meet when I’m traveling sometimes, because it’s nice to feel young and like I haven’t lost it, whatever it is. As far as I can tell, everyone wins, because I feel better and my wife is less annoyed by my constant begging for sex. So my goal is to figure out if the way I live my life, which seems to be A-OK, is actually reason to go into rehab.
To rehab, or not to rehab. That is the question.
You’re raising the timeless question, and obviously, we’re not going to tell you to let your feelings be your guide, or, for that matter, your daddy, your minister, your rehab counselor, or your parakeet, Ray.
As to the validity of sex addiction, it either doesn’t matter, or it depends on your definition of illness. I define illness as something wrong with your body that’s personal, important, and out-of-control, and it doesn’t matter whether it’s cellular or behavioral, neurological or psychiatric. Or kinky.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on February 18, 2010
If about half of all marriages end in divorce, then, say, a tenth of marriages end in nothing short of open warfare. In a marital battle, some people fight by keeping the verbal (and legal) bombs flying, others hide face down in a fox hole, but both of those tactics only serve to make the war intensify. A better battle plan is to give up on any control of your opponent’s forces (or feelings) and, without too many words or too little action/open fire or fatalities, figure out what you think is right and calmly begin peace talks on those terms.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband always saw himself as the righteous protector of our daughter and, after our divorce, he got into the habit of dragging me into court to force me to pay for some super-costly treatment or schooling that was always no more than a little bit better than what was available for free, but he’d look like a hero to our daughter and the court and the social worker, and I’d look like a miserly shit, and I’d complain bitterly, which just got everyone more on his side, and I was screwed. My daughter bought the bullshit, which meant she and her father shared a tight bond based on hating me, the Scrooge. But I thought the court assaults would stop when she turned 18, until yesterday, when I learned he’s suing me, once again, this time to pay for our daughter’s college tuition, even though she never asked me, she’s over 18, and, with her history of alcohol abuse (and no attempt to get sober), paying for her to go to college without going to rehab first is a waste of money. I think they’re both just scraping the barrel for reasons to drag me into court and I’m getting flashbacks about being raped by the judge. I don’t have any illusion about all of us getting along, but I think it’s fair to want this craziness to stop.
Like it or not, it’s your ex’s legal right to haul you into court at his whim, force you to hire a lawyer, and make you look like a creep. As a reward, you get to give him a good chunk of your savings to pay for something you don’t believe in, to someone who’s out to ruin your life.
Say what you will about justice, but most of the time, it isn’t very fair.
There’s no way you can avoid feeling helpless and outraged, and there’s no shower long or hot enough to make the violated feeling walk away. If, however, your goal is to stop this from happening again by repeatedly venting your outrage, you’ll actually make it worse. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 15, 2010
As Valentine’s weekend comes to a close and the Holiday Death Triangle of Christmas-New Year’s-Valentine’s once again completes its cycle of horror, it’s time to reassess what makes relationships last. Sometimes Mr. Right doesn’t have a connection with you that makes you see fireworks, while a connection with Mrs. Wrong does make you see fireworks, but only after her left hook connects with your face (and your family disconnects from your life). Valentine’s Day might be about love, but there’s a reason why good relationships last for years and Valentine’s haunts our lives but once a year.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m in my mid-30s, about to have my first child with my husband of about a year. My husband is a solid guy—he’s steady, and very caring—but deep down, I know a big reason I married him is because I wasn’t getting any younger and wanted to start a family. I dated a guy in law school that I was really in love with, but he was a lot older, made it clear he never wanted kids, and was your basic passionate, unavailable nightmare. I admit, I’m hormonal, which means my husband’s been getting on my nerves a lot lately, which just makes me obsess more and more about how I’ve settled for a life without love. My goal is to figure out how to get through the next stage of my life and live with my decision.
Don’t get superficial and compare the Valentine’s Day smiles at the next bistro table to your current mood and nostalgic memories of past lovers. In my experience, finding the love of your life isn’t too difficult, but finding a good partner is a real pain in the ass.
By “good partner,” I don’t mean someone you’re crazy about, under any and all circumstances, forever and ever, amen. I mean someone who is strong, easy to live and work with, accepts you during your weaker and less likeable moments, communicates on your wavelength, and picks up the load when you can’t. As well as someone whom you can put up with most of the time.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on February 8, 2010
It’s tough not to feel like chopped liver when your partner is more afraid of someone else’s reaction than yours. Odds are, if that’s what you feel, it often doesn’t reflect on how much they love you, but how much they fear someone else, and pushing them too hard will make the fear worse. Instead of countering their fear with your own need, try to show them that they don’t need to be afraid if they’ve done what’s right.
–Dr. Lastname
My girlfriend and I work together, so, in the interest of not causing too much of a stir, we’re keeping our relationship quiet. I’m OK with that, at least in terms of our jobs, but she also hasn’t told her ex-husband about me yet, after a year of our being together, and keeping our relationship a secret for his sake is not something I’m OK with. She’s not afraid of hurting him—he’s remarried—but of unleashing his wrath, because he’s a bully who revels in punishing her whenever she makes any progress towards moving on in her life. They have a son together, and she’s afraid that, if her ex finds out about us, he’ll go on a rampage to get full custody. He’s very emotional and can easily afford a good lawyer and so far he’s always been able to get the court’s sympathy. It’s not like I want to parade our relationship around in everyone’s faces, but there’s only so much secrecy that I can stand and I feel it puts a limit on our future and makes it impossible for her to make decisions or be held accountable for them. My goal is to get my girlfriend to stand up to her ex so I can know where I stand and we can build a life together.
One of the worst and often unexpected obstacles that get in the way of this kind of second partnership is the other person’s boundaries, or lack of them, with her/his first family. Negotiating those boundaries can make check-points in warzones seem like a breeze.
You start out respecting her unselfishness and love for her son, and feel a need to protect her from bullying and unfair treatment, so you put up with the secrets. Eventually, however, you discover that, if she can’t stand up to her former husband’s bullying, you’re always playing second fiddle to her fear of rocking the SS Ex-Monster.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on February 1, 2010
Nobody likes to see their partner suffer (well, some people do, but that’s their own perversion), especially when that suffering isn’t just out of your control, but their control, as well. We all want the people we care the most about to be happy, but, as we’ve said many times, ensuring happiness of any kind is impossible, no matter where you live, how likeable you are, or where you went to college. In the almost-words of another (recently departed) Harvard alum, “love means never having to say I’m sorry (that you feel like shit, leave it to me to fix it).”
–Dr. Lastname
About 10 years into our marriage, my husband and I got inspired by a trip down the Snake River in Idaho and decided we should move there as soon as we could afford it. Something about the wilderness eased our hearts and made us feel safer and more grounded than we ever did in the city. Well, now it’s 15 years later, and we made the move to a beautiful house with a breath-taking view and no visible neighbors, and I found a way to telecommute to a job, but my husband still has to fly back and forth every couple weeks and spend at least half his time in our old city. The problem is that I can tell my husband’s not doing so well; he complains about feeling lonely when he’s on his own, and he’s restless when he’s with us, and then he blames me and claims the marriage lacks “spark,” and I can see the wheels going in his head, wondering whether he’s ever going to be happy. My goal is to get my husband to enjoy our new life as much as the rest of the family does.
The danger of any moment of happiness or inspiration is feeling responsible for making it happen again.
You got inspired by going to Idaho, so you think it’s yours to recapture whenever you want, forgetting about all the usual shit that you don’t control. So you plan for years and finally make the big move, and your husband’s “inspired” to wonder what happened to the big pay-off.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on January 28, 2010
For some people, every conversation is an argument to be won or lost. Some of those people are smart enough to go to law school and make money off their bad habits, but the rest have to learn to contain their competitive conversational spirit and look at the bigger picture. When it comes to wars of words, losing the battle helps you do more than win, it calls a truce.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband gets on me a lot about being irritable and negative sometimes (like when I’m tired, which is often, because I work a very stressful job in sales). I’m not saying he’s 100% wrong, but he also knows that, as someone who spends all day behind a desk putting deals together, my instinct is to get agreement at the end of every conversation and find an argument to smooth away every objection or accusation. I’m a closer, so my job is to never let go until I wear ‘em down and get the sale, but he treats every argument I put forward as if I’m being obnoxious and not listening. My goal is to persuade him that I’m not all that irritable and understand that, when I am, I’ve got good reason.
The hard sell may work at work, but if it works at home, it’s because you married a wimp, so be glad you didn’t.
It’s sad that letting out your irritability at home gets you in trouble, especially since you might think that home is the one place you can let fly. What’s true for flatulence, alas, isn’t true for speech.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on January 25, 2010
If you hate someone or something for reasons beyond your control, then those feelings are, in essence, beyond your control, so resistence is essentially futile. Hating something is one thing, but then feeling guilty for hating, then angry for feeling guilty, depressed for feeling angry…so it goes down the feelings spiral, down the emotional toilet.
–Dr. Lastname
When I broke up with my girlfriend, I felt like I didn’t have a choice; she was smothering me, she made me feel guilty and like a bad person all the time, and I just couldn’t take care of her anymore. We’d been together for a relatively long time and I had reached the end of my rope (she’d even started hitting me and breaking things in our apartment). The problem is now that I feel even worse because, in the months since I ended it and she moved out, she’s started getting high a lot and has threatened to kill herself more than once. If she goes through with it, I don’t know what I’ll do with myself. My goal is to feel less awful about breaking up with her (which I did to feel less awful).
As a not-sociopath, you can’t feel less than awful about your ex-girlfriend’s drugging, depression, and self-destruction.
It’s the feeling responsible, as well as awful, that will not only do nothing to help her recovery, but will also turn your sorrow into well-entrenched, call-the-doctor depression. So…Dr. Lastname here, how can I help you?
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Posted by fxckfeelings on January 21, 2010
In-laws are classically seen as a pain in the ass, but when your in-laws’ offspring becomes your ex, and your own offspring remain, that pain doesn’t go away. Sustaining relationships with exes is hard—especially when those exes are drunk, crazy, and generally impossible—but when you have kids, you’re forced to sustain those relationships, with parents and grandparents, like it or not.
–Dr. Lastname
My ex-wife cares about our kids, but she’s always been overbearing and intense, which is why I ‘m very happy not to be married to her now. Her latest rage, in both senses, came from her new therapist, who persuaded her that she’s depressed and has bad dreams because she was neglected and maybe abused by her alcoholic parents, so now she wants our kids to have no contact with them, their grandparents, at any time, whether the kids are staying with me or with her (we have joint custody). Now, I’m not crazy about her parents and they sometimes drink too much, but they never did anything unsafe and the kids love them, so I was shocked to hear from the kids that they miss their grandparents (my wife never informed me about her new policy). I don’t want to trigger a court fight with my wife—I can’t afford it, and neither can she, but she spares no expense when she feels her kids are threatened by the forces of evil—and I’ve got no great wish to put myself on the line for her parents, but I don’t like having her tell me what the kids can do when they’re with me and I don’t think losing their grandparents is good for them. My goal is to send her a message that she can’t control what our kids do when they’re with me and protect the kids from losing their grandparents.
The short answer is, you can’t win a pissing contest with a fire hydrant.
Yes, your ex-wife has no right to tell you what you can and can’t do with the kids when they’re with you, and yes, it hurts them to be cut off from their grandparents, and yes, in the short run it’s entirely within your power to facilitate grandparental visits.
No, none of this matters in the big picture.
If your wife is the kind of self-righteous, crusading, angry asshole you describe her as being, then you have very little power to make things better and many, many opportunities to make things worse.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on January 14, 2010
Changing your habits is a lot like changing your physique; it takes a lot of hard work and effort, and after a while, most of us revert to our old selves, which means our habits/fat pants reenter our lives. Still, wanting to change or help someone change is not an entirely dismissable goal, it just requires a lot of will power, patience, and the right degree of responsibility for what you can and cannot control. In either situation, try to eat less fast food.
–Dr. Lastname
I love my girlfriend, but I noticed that she drank like a fish at parties and carried lots of credit card debt, so when we began to think seriously about getting married, I told her I needed her to cut way back on her drinking, stick to a budget, and pay down her debt. She was hurt, but since then she’s been doing what I asked, and we’ve been getting along well. What I’ve noticed since then, though, is that she’s lost some of her spark and generally seems less happy. I wanted to help her, not hurt her, but at the same time, I don’t know how we can finally get married if she still wants to act like an irresponsible kid. My goal is to help my girlfriend (or really both of us) without making her miserable.
It’s natural to feel responsible when your words do, indeed, wipe the smile off her face—instead of a diamond, you gave her an earful—but it’s a dangerous way to think because your words are also her best warning against greater pain to come.
So you’re right, there’s no way your marriage will work if she can’t control her drinking and spending, so your real goal isn’t to avoid hurting her feelings. Instead, it’s to protect both of you from creating a family just to watch it fall apart.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on January 7, 2010
Being a single parent comes with an infinite number of challenges, but a main source of complication is reconciling the dual identities: “single” and “parent.” Possible new partners shouldn’t see you as just an individual, but as could-be future family. At the same time, when looking for new partners, you should be able to see beyond your parenting responsibilities, lest you lose the ability to manage a search of any kind. For a lot of single parents, even more miraculous than children is the ability to find a way to make a relationship last.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve always been a restless guy, so I got a job working for a consulting firm that sends me to jobs all over the country, for months at a time, though I often get home to see my folks. During my last visit over the holidays, I ran into an old girlfriend from high school, and it was like something out of a movie; we clicked instantly and have been acting like lovesick teenagers ever since, like nothing had ever changed, and I think this really might go somewhere. Of course, two big things have changed since high school, namely that I’ve left town and that she now has a kid that she loves to death (and she’s on good terms with the dad, who lives nearby and shares joint custody). I’ve made plans to spend a weekend with her later this month, and I want to keep our good thing going, but my sister tells me I’m an idiot because, unless I’m willing to move back to my hometown and act like a dad, I’m wasting my ex’s time and setting myself up for a big hurt. I don’t want to do either of those things, but I really love this woman and know she loves me, and her kid already has a dad he sees all the time, so if I stick around for the long term, would it really matter if I’m not physically around that much? My goal is to be with the woman I love, even if I’m not always there.
Despite what every pop song has ever said, love is not all there is; it’s just the initial glue (along with sex) that binds us together, regardless of whether we can possibly live together or meet one another’s long term needs.
So don’t listen to Celine Dion, because your goal isn’t to find true love, but to find a love that won’t lead to heartbreak, ruined finances, and a messed up kid (and I’m not talking about you).
Now, it’s possible that your girlfriend doesn’t want or need a full-time partner, and that a steady guy-on-the-side is perfect. like Oprah’s Stedman or Dolly Parton’s hubby. Your job is to figure out whether that’s the case now, and how long it’s likely to last, because there aren’t many Oprahs and Dollys in this world, and Oprah and Dolly don’t have kids.
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