Posted by fxckfeelings on August 27, 2012
Weddings and funerals are supposed to produce scripted emotional results, but life simply pushes too much muddy water under the bridge for human ceremonies to work out the way they’re supposed to, i.e., with great joy or catharsis, as opposed to resulting in a couple getting married or the survivors of a loved one being consoled. So when you’ve got a major change-of-life ceremony coming up that can’t perform the way it should, don’t feel like it, or you, has failed. As long as you see the greater purpose of the ceremony, there’s a way to not just get it over with, but make it accomplish something worthwhile.
–Dr. Lastname
When my husband left 3 years ago it came as a shock although we had been unhappy for a long time and both had affairs before (his secret, mine open). He insisted to me and our adult children that there was no one else, and was uncertain about divorce. He carried on spending a lot of time with the family, then told us he had recently started seeing a female former co-worker, but that it was not important. He then spent six months leading us all to believe that he wanted to save the marriage and taking me out on dinner dates, but he also took a holiday with the other woman, and said lots of things that failed to add up. Two years ago everything changed when the other woman confronted him at the family home and made a horrible scene and swore at me and our son. She was furious about all his lying to her and told us they had been involved for years, then they brawled in front of me and he ran away. Things are now amicable between us even though he is still involved with this person, but we are still not divorced and our kids have chosen not to meet her. Our daughter is to be married soon and I do not wish to receive this other woman at the wedding on account of her awful behavior to me and my son (I have not seen her since that day and she never apologized). Do I miss out on having my new partner attend or do I swallow my pride and invite her? It’s my daughter’s day and I want it to go well but feel humiliated at the prospect of having to be pleasant to this person. My goal is to behave with dignity and retain the moral high ground without sacrificing my principles.
Before asking yourself whether you would feel humiliated if your husband’s volatile girlfriend were invited to your daughter’s wedding, ask yourself what the goal of your daughter’s wedding is supposed to be (aside from a legal ceremony with cake).
Despite the numerous television shows, films, and monthly magazines that tell you otherwise, the primary goal of weddings isn’t to make the bride, or any one person, happy, because that goal becomes dangerous in a hurry, whether you’re talking about a wedding or life in general.
There’s too much about weddings that you can’t control, including the weather, having enough cake, and risking forced meetings between sworn enemies (see above) who have access to free alcohol and folding, potentially airborne chairs. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 16, 2012
Since marriage is supposed to exist between two people, it’s understandable that one partner’s adding an inner demon to the mix can make things a little crowded. Demons are hell to live with (pun intended) and, unless you’re Buffy, a neurosurgeon, or, evidently, Abraham Lincoln, they’re also impossible to kill. While psychotherapy has little power to exorcise them, it can do much to increase the coping skills of those brave people who are determined to survive, be decent, and keep their marriages together, regardless of the obstacles created by these intimate enemies.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve recently gotten married to a wonderful man after a very brief courtship (we’d lived across the country, and he’ll be moving in with me in the fall). Now I’m terrified I’m going to ruin this relationship by behaving the same way I’ve behaved in every other significant romantic relationship I’ve ever had—by never being satisfied by what he does, by framing things in terms of who’s right and who’s wrong (of course I’m right!), and by letting my anger take complete control in the moment and being unable to communicate civilly. Intellectually and practically, I thoroughly appreciate him; he tells me he loves me, he misses me, and I’m beautiful, and he consistently tells me he has complete faith in my ability to work through my problems and for us to share something deep and meaningful. I’m in therapy and I’ve gone to therapy during previous relationships, and I spend time journaling to reflect on my behavior, and am sure to apologize to him when I’ve calmed down and thought about things and can see how my emotions took over and distorted my perspective. We often take time away from each other when we’re/I’m upset so we can calm down, which I think is good, but it’s not enough. When I’m calm, I know (intellectually) that my own happiness is my responsibility and his is his, and that our relationship is an extension of our own personal lives, not our lifeblood. When I’m upset, however, he can’t do anything right, he won’t see things from my perspective, and I don’t even really like him or think he’s smart – all of which I know when I’m calm is not only nonsense, but damaging, and cruel. We fight, because of me, every day. How can I remember my love for him and his love for me when I’m in this space? How can I work to keep from entering this space to begin with? My goal is to avoid what so many of your letter writers have: years of difficult and painful relationships with a person they love. I’m just at the beginning of mine and I’m trying so hard, and failing every day. I don’t know why I won’t let him love me and why I push him away. What can I do to let go, and change these vicious habits?
For a long time now, judging from what you’ve written, you’ve had a problem with anger and emotional reactivity. Long enough that it’s time to stop considering your anger a problem, and start seeing it for what it is—part of who you are.
In other words, despite several courses of psychotherapy and a strong determination to keep yourself under control, you just can’t stop yourself from nastying out and turning from Dr. Justyou into Ms. Hyde. That would indicate that it’s time for a new approach.
So, to keep false hope from interfering with your planning, it’s time to accept that you’ve got a bad case of demonic possession and your impulses aren’t likely to change, despite your finding a kind husband whom you love very much. This is the first of the 12 steps, as well as your first step towards demonic management. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 13, 2012
We’re not the first to say that love is a drug, strong enough to either addict you to the wrong person or to keep you chasing one new person after another. Your friends will attempt countless interventions, but the only way to get clean is to figure out what’s good for you and seek the strength to pursue it. Otherwise, you’ll be a bitter ex who has trouble letting go of past dreams, or a compulsive cheater who leaves a trail of bitter exes who call you liar, always longing for your next fix.
–Dr. Lastname
After three years with my boyfriend, everything went in a downward spiral in the past week. He was talking to a girl who hated me and was bent on breaking us up for a while. When I talked to her about it to get answers, she replied that my boyfriend no longer loved me and liked her. That made me suspicious, so I started snooping around—I found messages to girls where he would give a compliment and then ask for their number, a secret twitter where he only followed female friends, a secret Facebook where he had only female friends (a couple of which have tried to get with him) and messaged them asking for phone numbers. I also found on that Facebook that he had went with a female friend to the movies the same day he told me he was broke. He admitted that he had female friend numbers in his phone under male names, but he said they were all just friends and he didn’t know why he hid everything, just that he was scared of how I would react. I know that I should just let him go—at least I think I should—but I don’t know how I’ll cope. I feel like there was something wrong with me for him to hide everything from me. I don’t understand why he created this other life for his female friends. I know most people would read this and say he was trying to get with someone, and maybe that’s true, but I don’t think so. I know he is extremely insecure about his image, I don’t know if that has anything to do with it. I know I’m over thinking but I feel like I can’t have closure until I know what was going on in his mind, but he says he doesn’t know.
You say you need to understand what’s wrong about your compulsively lying boyfriend before you decide whether or not to dump him…which, unfortunately, is just one more lie.
Of course, the two of you would like to understand why he’s a liar (you probably more than him), but you also know by now that there are no answers to questions like this that ever make a difference. Whether he got his lying habits from being abused, misunderstood, or beset by impulses, he’s got what he’s got.
The truth is that your quest for understanding, in a situation like this, avoids and postpones hard choices that you don’t want to make. In order to avoid the pain of losing him, you’re stifling that part of your personality that is supposed to protect you from being screwed and help you find a good, honest partner. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 2, 2012
Sure, there’s something to the childhood logic that first comes love, then comes marriage, but only between two people who aren’t allergic to commitment, which has much more to do with character than love. Instead of trying to forcibly wrest commitment from the one you love, even if that someone seems totally loveable, focus your own ability to commit, and insist on receiving the same without negotiation. If they can’t meet that commitment, then what you’ve got isn’t true love, and it’s time to find someone else to sit in the tree with.
–Dr. Lastname
I know it’s a cliché, but here goes. For a little over a year, off and on, I’ve been dating this smart, good looking, talented guy, and when we’re alone, he’s sweet and perfect. Thing is, he doesn’t want anyone to know we’re together/”be official,” so when we’re together in public, he either ignores me or acts like a jerk (which he says he’s doing so his friends won’t suspect anything). He also stands me up and doesn’t call me back, which is why we’ve broken up a few times, but then he begs for my forgiveness, reminds me why I like him, and we start seeing one another regularly again until a few weeks later, when he fades away until I can’t take it anymore, and then it all repeats, over and over. He swears he’s just confused about making our relationship public and official, but I can’t put up with this much longer. What can I do to convince him to get over his fears, admit we’re together, and be the great guy I know full-time?
Love gets people to think with their hearts instead of their minds, and since your heart’s currently taking you on an emotional rollercoaster, your mind’s a little too dizzy to think straight, or at least see the big picture.
After all, treating you badly in public is a dubious tactic, no matter what the motivation, and ignoring you, with or without a suspicious audience, is also almost impossible to justify. The way you’ve described his overall behavior does not make your boyfriend seem “sweet,” and certainly not “perfect,” but very close to “jerk.”
So stop being in the moment and take a second to look for facts that could put this guy’s behavior into perspective. Otherwise, you won’t be able to do anything but pick the petals off flowers asking yourself whether he loves you or loves you not, and what you’re supposed to do to make it work. Unfortunately, all that leaves you with is a bunch of bald daisies and no self-esteem. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 30, 2012
From Dorothy’s mantra to the mortgage crisis, having a home is a considered a crucial part of our lives. That’s why having to share your home with a jerk is a special kind of torture; between their criticism and your own unhappiness, it’s hard not to feel like you’ll never be happy or successful until you get free of them. In actuality, however, life sometimes forces good people to live with bad, and the trick is to figure out for yourself whether it’s really necessary to leave, not in order to avoid pain, but because you’re doing what you think is best for you, your family, and your finances. Sure, maybe there’s no place like home, but if your home includes a monster, you need to think it through before finding a place like home, but better.
–Dr. Lastname
I try very hard to treat my wife’s father like family (her mother died years ago), but her dad is a hard guy to spend much time with. He drinks too much, refuses to own up to it, and (surprise!) isn’t a reliable baby-sitter (although he thinks he’s the greatest), so we can’t leave him alone with the kids. Worst of all, he’s very sensitive, so any hint of criticism is likely to put him into an “I’ll never talk to you again” mode that, I’m sure, would be hard for my wife to bear. I’ve learned how to put up with him over the course of our marriage—I basically walk on egg shells, agree with everything he says and count down the minutes until we can leave—but he recently decided he wants to come live with us, and I’m totally stuck. If we say no to him, it will hurt my wife terribly, but if we don’t say no, we’ll end up divorced, or he’ll end up dead and I’ll get the chair (ha ha). My goal is to figure a way out of this dilemma.
Nobody wants to have a broken relationship with their parents, which is why your father-in-law can threaten your wife with a shunning. Since this guy isn’t actually your parent, you see his threats to cut you off as a promising possibility.
After all, if he stops talking to you, you don’t have to put up with his demands, supervise time with his grandkids, or accept him as your future housemate. Unfortunately, you know that, even though your wife agrees with you, expressing your negative feelings about him to her will likely stir up a bunch of guilt and make her feel worse. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 26, 2012
Before the manager of a baseball team (real or fantasy) signs a player, s/he pores over reams of statistics that analyze every aspect of that player’s performance, including their projected trajectory going forward. One should follow a similar procedure when looking to sign or dissolve a contract with a romantic partner, because examining their previous performance on the field of relationships is the best way to figure out whether they’re worth the commitment or a bad fit in your clubhouse. After all, if managers are willing to do all that work for a seven-year-deal, it makes sense to work just as hard for a contract that should last a lifetime.
–Dr. Lastname
My boyfriend seems to have a very unhealthy attachment to the past. He can’t let go of ex-girlfriends. He seems to need them to email or text every week or so (several, and he uses unhealthy attachment language to keep them hopeful about a potential future with him). His last note, left on the floor in the garage, said, “the future holds no possibilities. The past, Is infinite.” He swears to me that he is 100% committed to a lifetime with me, searching for rings (we are in our 40s). What makes people so aggressively attached to their past?
You may yearn for your boyfriend to tell you something, anything, about his behavior towards his exes that will actually ease your doubts about the depth of his commitment. Unfortunately, if you plead for reassurance, you’ll just be begging him to bullshit you.
Even if he does try to convince you, you’ll either be upset that he refused to try or tried but was unconvincing. Or, worse yet, you’ll be convinced he’s okay because he told you what you wanted to hear.
In any case, you’ll be asking him to give you a good feeling, instead of trusting yourself to figure out whether or not to trust him. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 19, 2012
If your relationship feels threatened by your partner’s attachment to a difficult, intrusive parent, you may well feel that you have to fight for his/her time and loyalty, but going to war over an in-law is like getting involved in a land war in Asia; a classic blunder, per “The Princess Bride.” Instead, remember that, while a partnership requires a mutual commitment of time and energy, it also must leave room for work, exercise, and time with friends the one party doesn’t like. So draw up a schedule that minimizes three-way togetherness and maximizes stiff-upper-lip politeness and the repression of negative feeling. It might occasionally be painful, but of course, life is pain, and anyone who says differently is selling something.
–Dr. Lastname
My partner and I are both in our 60s with difficult marriages behind us. We have separate homes dozens of miles apart but meet often, share many interests, have a healthy sex life and enjoy meals out, daytrips or just being together. His elderly mum lives some distance away and is socially awkward with a serious hoarding issue that escalated when her husband died. Part of her house is uninhabitable due to this, and she goes without hot water rather than let someone in to repair her broken boiler. We used to get on OK until last year when she started coming to stay with my partner on a frequent basis for visits of indeterminate length. She would be included in everything we did and be a real pain. I tried to be understanding but tension mounted and came to a head on her sixth visit of last year when, without discussion, she began getting into the front car seat with her son leaving me to take the back. He denied and defended her behavior and blamed me. I feel I am being cast in the same role as his ex-wife whom he also blamed for “being difficult” with his mother. Her needs were put first over the Christmas holiday and there was another furious row when she wanted to extend the visit and he felt guilty for saying no. To be fair he is now trying to set boundaries and consider my needs but she is about to arrive again. How do I protect the relationship and what is left of my sanity from her manipulations without looking like the bad guy?
While the mother-in-law-from-hell has been around since the dawn of time—they provided the motivation for a daughter-in-law fish to escape onto land and evolve into human kind—this mother-in-law has created problems for her son before. Just ask his “difficult” ex-wife.
That means your situation is twice as challenging, because you’re not only dealing with an extremely sensitive situation, you’re dealing with one that’s been a deal-breaker in the past.
The only way you can avoid falling into the traditional trap of becoming a bad guy is to figure out what you think is reasonable and acceptable, according to your own needs and standards, in terms of how much you’re willing to share his time with his mother, and under what circumstances. After all, you can never be a bad guy if you know you’re doing the right thing. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 9, 2012
Depression and life’s miseries have an amazing way of working together to make you feel like a loser who doesn’t belong, has nothing to contribute, and should not get out of bed. That other people are happy just makes you wonder what you did wrong, when it’s just misfortune and depression doing their job really well. The fact is, however, that we create value in life by pursuing what we believe is most important, regardless of whether we get lucky along the way. That’s why you need to assess whether you’ve done your best to live up to your values, disregarding negative thoughts and the failures over which you had no control. Then pain and negative thinking can’t succeed in damaging you, which means you won’t damage yourself.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m not even sure where to begin so I’ll try and keep this as short and concise as possible. I come from a broken family– my mother was abusive and distant, and I became that way to the point where it was hard for me to feel genuine love for anyone because I never learned what love is. I got away from my family and had a string of bad relationships (where if I think about it, I am to blame really). I then met and almost immediately married my husband. He went along with it because he loved me, I pushed for it because I was insecure. I didn’t “feel” any real love for him but wanted him to validate my feelings because I believed then that that’s how love grows. For me back then, love = infatuation. I admit I’ve been messed up. I’ve beaten myself up enough. Anyway, our marriage has been rocky with a major indiscretion on my part and several minor ones (chatting/talking on the phone with strangers) on his part. He forgave me for my error and begged me to stay (this was 3 years ago). Only just a few months ago have I realized how fucked up I am and how I’ve let my “feelings” guide me to hell. I’m still trying to rewire myself and it’s hard work. Unfortunately I recently found out that my husband was still talking to random women for hours because “he’s lonely.” What scares me is that even though I am working on my issues, he still feels lonely and it’s likely he will hurt me again. I realize now that I do love him but I can’t always project it the right way or appear to be happy when really I’m feeling like shit. I keep thinking it’s all my fault that he feels lonely and that nothing I will ever do will help this. I’m really tired of dealing with my own crap and now realizing that he has his own set of issues that may or may not be related to me. I’m very confused. How do I stop obsessing over our faults and focus on the good? I don’t want to throw away everything I’ve accomplished because of my ‘moods’. Please help. How can I trust him again and more importantly, trust myself?
There are a lot of smart people out there with high standards, like yourself, who have brains that naturally favor negative thinking and family backgrounds that are full of sad events and broken relationships.
As such, it’s not your fault that your mind tends to put fault on you and call you broken. What’s worse, if you try to be more positive, your brain pushes back by calling your efforts to think happy thoughts a dismal failure (which, of course, they’re not). Brain 1, You 0.
So, instead of trying to focus less on your faults, aim higher by taking pride in your many remarkable accomplishments. After all, if you can’t think differently, you can nevertheless force yourself to think about different things. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 2, 2012
Wishing someone will change is a lot like wishing you’ll get disgustingly wealthy or that your worst enemy will drop dead; it’s futile, not entirely healthy, and will leave you feeling like a jerk. If that person feels you don’t accept their personality, they usually get worse (and blame you), and if your needs are stronger than your sense of reality, you won’t be able to get over it and stop nagging. Either way, the change they’re most likely to make is leaving for to a new place far away from you, or, worse yet, staying in a state of perpetual resentment. Instead, see if you can get them to want to change. If they can’t, your job is to do the best with the limitations you’ve got (yours or the other guy’s), and either make it work or make a plan to move on (that doesn’t hinge on great wealth or homicide).
–Dr. Lastname
Is past behavior really the best way of predicting future behavior or can a leopard sometimes change its spots? I am aware that people mature, evolve, adapt, etc. but wonder if they can ever really overcome long-held behavior patterns such as dishonesty. Do we tend to revert to character by default setting whatever relationship or job we are in? My partner is kind and loving in many ways but his workaholism and difficult mother are starting to cause problems between us just as they did in his marriage whereas my ex appears to have improved without me. My goal is to learn from the past and avoid falling into the same old situations.
Instead of wasting time and avoiding hard truths by debating whether leopards can change their spots, look at your current particular leopard and ask yourself what he has done with his spots in their current, seemingly-permanent placement.
If the answer is unacceptable, you might search for a spot-removing/issue-solving specialist. You won’t find one with any real power to change much of anything, but at least the search will allow you to stall for a while and allow specialists like myself to pay the mortgage. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 28, 2012
While it’s never good to act on angry feelings, their ability to distort one’s perspective also make them one of the hardest feelings to ignore; after all, love is a strong emotion, but you don’t often see a large, hugging mob. For most people, the real risk in anger isn’t punching, but picking on those closest to you. So when you feel the rage building against someone you love and you know it’s not for the right reasons, don’t feel guilty (or even more angry), just stick to your usual rules for being a good spouse or parent, acting civil, and doing your job. Usually, anger will pass, clarity will return, and hugs won’t be necessary.
–Dr. Lastname
I truly love so many things about my husband, but I’m not happy with myself. I’m overweight, I have hormonal imbalances that I’m addressing with my physician, and I’m sluggish and moody at times, almost feeling like a depressive state. Lately, however I’ve been trying to get healthy physically and mentally by using diet and exercise, as well as engaging in life more (a tennis tournament with family and friends, walking with my teenager, and training for a 15K I’m running in the fall). While my husband says he supports me, and even wants to do the same, his actions are the opposite—he buys junk food, he works hard during the day but then plants himself in front of the TV all night. I’m beginning to feel disgusted and even resentful about his behavior. I know he’s a wonderful man, but I don’t know why I’m becoming so intolerant of his behavior, or even if I have the right to be upset. He is the same man, I’m the one that’s changing, so why am I so pissed off all the time? I just don’t know how to get back to some kind of friendship where I enjoy him like I used to, and it scares me. I love him so much, but I even find myself cringing sometimes to his touch. I just don’t know what caused this kind of shift in my thinking.
Nothing feels more personal than anger, but often, the opposite is true; although we feel angry at someone or feel their anger directed at us, anger often starts with a mood rather than an issue, and then targets innocent bystanders simply because they’re there.
What’s worse is that anger often elicits more anger, thus finding a way to feed on itself. You focus your anger on your husband’s faults (his lack of self-discipline), while feeling angry at him for making you angry, and then getting angrier when he gets angry at you for being unfair.
The sad fact is that sometimes you can’t stop angry feelings, regardless of how undeserved they are, how much pain they cause, or how much you address your issues with friends, loved ones, and therapists. Anger often just happens, particularly when there are hormones and depression involved. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
