Posted by fxckfeelings on January 14, 2013
When people judge success or failure by the ensuing level of happiness, good guys blame themselves for things they don’t control and bad guys blame everyone else for their own mistakes. Instead of putting your accomplishments on a feelings-based scale, think carefully about what you really can and should control, given your values. That way, no matter if you’re a good guy dealing with bad luck or a jerk who assumes he’s a victim, you can at least feel happy about doing what’s right.
–Dr. Lastname
I wish there was something I could do for my older son (now about 30), but he’s never been happy and I’ve gradually got used to the idea that maybe he never will be, although I’m not sure I’ll ever not feel bad about it. He’s got a job and takes care of himself but, unlike his younger brother, he doesn’t have a girlfriend or a job that he likes. My own belief, and I’ve lived by it myself, is that everyone should at least find work that they like, and then it’s not hard to be happy, but he doesn’t seem close to finding work he likes, and he doesn’t seem to be trying. So I doubt there’s anything I can do to help him, but I thought I’d ask you anyway, because, as his mother, I’ll never feel I’ve succeeded until he finds happiness.
There’s nothing that warms a mother’s heart more than to see her kid smile, but you should also know, by the many good, well-parented, miserable adults in this world, that a good upbringing can’t stop someone from being downbeat.
Your son’s tendency towards misery is not more your fault that it is his; it’s a tough world, genetics has no mercy, and bad things happen. Don’t make those bad things worse then by making him responsible for his inability to get happy and causing you both to feel like losers.
It’s common to believe that one can be happy if they find work that they like, but, like taking good care of yourself, eating right, having regular bowel movements, and most other common sense keys to happiness, that belief is largely bullshit. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 10, 2013
Deciding whom to blame for a problem you can’t get a handle on is easy if you follow your instincts, but instincts should also tell you that a decision made based on intuition instead of thought is probably wrong. In reality, you need to look carefully at whether a person is doing his or her best with what’s actually controllable before deciding whether what’s missing is better discipline or better luck. Ignore your instincts, assess the uncontrollable and you’ll come up with helpful and constructive ideas by looking for facts, not blame.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m in college, and my problem is that I have ADD and even when I’m on Ritalin, I get distracted very easily if something about a course is hard to understand. Then I wind up fucking around, doing other things, spending too much time with my boyfriend, and falling behind. After two or three weeks, it’s too hard to catch up and I don’t want anyone to know, so I stop going to class. A few weeks after that, there’s nothing to do but drop the course, which makes me feel like a loser. I had the same problem in high school, but I’ve never found a drug or dose that’s made the problem better. My goal is to find a better medication or a way to try harder so that I don’t get behind in the first place.
There’s no doubt ADD is your problem, but another problem lots of people with ADD develop over the years of experiencing learning as a painful, humiliating process is avoidance. It came from your ADD, but it’s its own problem, and not the kind they make pills for.
A lot of people with ADD get good at lying to themselves and others about what they’re failing to do and what the consequences are going to be. It started as a coping mechanism, but it’s developed into a pain in the ass. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 20, 2012
When you believe in the value of a close family, it’s natural to take on the role of diplomat when a conflict between some of your nearest and dearest threatens to make you all distant and estranged. Unfortunately, there are some disagreements that can’t be resolved, be they by diplomat or total destruction, but that’s not reason to despair; there’s much you can do to be helpful and cement relationships that do work if you allow negative feelings to exist without blame, and respect the value of spending limited amounts of time with family you have to be with. After all, a good diplomat knows that peace isn’t found through open togetherness, but through respectful time apart.
–Dr. Lastname
Please note: There will be no post on Monday due to Christmas Eve. Happy holidays to all (and if that doesn’t happen, you know how to reach us).
My sister and I have been raised by our single mother, and I have excellent relationships with both of them. Unfortunately, my sister and our mother’s relationship has always been difficult and it’s getting worse. My sister recently revealed that she had been sexually abused by one of my mother’s boyfriends, and inexplicably, I felt like I knew it all along. My mother was obviously distraught by the news, although I don’t know that my sister and her have had any deep discussions around that issue. My sister did briefly see a shrink but never went on a full therapy. In a nutshell, I think my sister has built a lot of resentment towards my mother and their disagreements/fights are becoming more and more bitter, to the extent that my mother is becoming less and less inclined to have a relationship with my sister. I’m tired of being in the middle of it all and have decided to let them deal with their issues themselves. I don’t like to see them unhappy but it seems to me that they refuse to take the necessary steps to heal their relationship. Am I right in deciding to stay out of it? Or is it my duty to keep trying to mend their relationship?
When two people you love are estranged, it feels like your only choice is to try to get them to reconcile or give up entirely—the “Parent Trap” trap. Fortunately, there’s a third option, although it’s not very Disney, and there’s no happy ending.
Your third choice happens once you accept the fact that their reconciliation is neither your responsibility nor under your control. You didn’t pull them apart, you can’t put them together, but you don’t need them to pull you apart, either. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 17, 2012
In most situations, it’s easy enough to get away from an unpleasant stranger; you can always slip away to the bathroom, the next subway car, or the nearest police station. With family, however, it’s not so easy to escape. If the problem is bad behavior, you may need to take protective action, but if it’s just causing uneasiness with words more than conduct, your best course of action is probably to show great restraint. In either case, you must have enough confidence in your judgment so that you don’t need to talk things out; just do what will cause the least harm, the most safety for the rest of your family, and prevent any police involvement.
–Dr. Lastname
I try to be nice to my father because, well, he’s my father, but he hates my wife and he’s always nasty to her, and it makes it hard to fit him into our family life. He just doesn’t get the idea that when you’re openly rude, people don’t want to be around you, and that, even though I’m his son, he’s not entitled to insult my wife during family visits. My wife doesn’t want him in our house, which I understand, and I can’t get him to understand he’s got to behave. He says he should be able to visit and see his grandsons, AND say and do whatever he pleases. I feel torn by having to protect my wife and family from his bad behavior. My goal is to figure out how to get through to him.
That you have the courage to tell your father what he’s doing to your wife is wrong is a good indication of your character. That your father can’t be convinced that being a dickish monster to the mother of his own grandchildren children is wrong, however, indicates very, very bad things, both about his character and your chances of ever getting him to agree to behave himself.
If your father is completely blind to the fact that being rude is, well, rude, telling him to stop being rude is essentially an impossible task; it’s the kind of denial usually reserved for nasty drunks and gay Republicans. So instead of taking on the impossible, take a step back and give yourself a task that’s merely difficult. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 10, 2012
While most people yearn to believe that you can manage unresolvable conflict with communication, unresolvable usually means what it says, and nothing, from long talks to long range missiles, can make that conflict go away. The more you try to communicate, the more listening leads to louder voices and more pain, so opt instead for dialogue that stifles emotional needs for the sake of strategic goals, getting work done, and sparing the children. Learning to manage communication won’t make you happy, but unlike unbridled attempts at futile conflict resolution through intensive sharing, it won’t make you and everyone around you completely miserable.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve had fewer fights with my husband since he started spending more time in the basement bedroom, but that means we’re just putting off deciding what we’re going to do about our marriage. We avoid talking, which means he doesn’t lose his temper and throw thing, but the kids can sense the tension and we’re certainly not moving forward. My goal is to figure out if there’s any possible way to try to stay together, which probably means sharing our feelings more honestly, or if this is truly the end.
There’s a good way to communicate when a deep rift remains in a relationship after peace talks have failed, and it has nothing to do with digging deeper, expressing hard truths honestly, or bringing in professional help (be it a shrink or hit man).
Usually, communication means the ability to express ideas, but in a difficult relationship, it’s the ability to interact in a non-homicidal fashion. As such, your best communication strategy requires accepting differences, then, when the other person digs deeper and expresses whatever intense, unpleasant feeling he or she has to say about you, shutting up.
After all, if certain topics remain explosive and certain behaviors unchanged, then further talk is asking for trouble, no matter how carefully you approach talking about them or how gently you plan to do so. When you can’t negotiate your differences, you just have to learn to navigate around them. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 3, 2012
Because resentment can be so painful and ugly, people spend lots of time trying to get rid of it, usually by talking it out, trying to beat it out of themselves, or outdoing themselves in their efforts to become so rich and powerful that they’ll have nothing to resent in the first place. In reality, however, resentment tends to linger no matter what you say, do, or earn, and people do less harm when they accept that fact. So, while your heart may become stained with resentment, it can’t color your values or control your actions. Better to focus on managing your urge to kill someone than kill yourself trying to make that urge go away.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t stand resenting my brother day and night, but that’s what I’ll have to do if I don’t speak to him about his decision to claim our late father’s summer cottage, where we used to go when we were kids. He feels he’s entitled to it because he’s spent more time there over the years (since I went away for school and grad school, and he didn’t), but I moved back a while ago and I’m the one with kids, and I want them to enjoy that place as much as my brother and I did. He’s a rigid guy who never gives an inch and always gets his way, and the executor has already ruled on it, but I can’t stand the idea of living the rest of my life nursing resentment. I’ll feel much better letting him know how I feel, getting it out of my system, and showing him that I’m not afraid. My goal is to handle my feelings as effectively as possible.
It’s hard to nurse resentment against an unfair or unfeeling brother, especially now that he’s submitted what’s only the most recent chapter in his many-volume history of making you feel bullied or pushed aside. By having it out with him, you’re hoping to make this history, well, history, and begin fresh with new tales of him being better-behaved because he knows he can’t push your around.
Trouble is, the one thing that’s harder than nursing said resentment is expressing it to a brother who doesn’t accept criticism, and winding up with a family feud. Whatever resentment you get off your chest will come back doubled and re-doubled, so if anything ends, it will be his willingness to speak to you and your ability to set foot inside that cottage again. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 29, 2012
Whether traumatic or dynamic, having an early and/or intense sexual experience can make you worry that your ability to have solid adult relationships will be damaged. While sexual trauma can make intimacy scary, and sexual overstimulation can distract you from it, there are ways to move past your past. If you have a clear vision of partnership and the discipline to implement it, sexual feelings need never control your life. You may never stop them from causing pain and distraction, but they can never stop you from finding and being a good partner moving forward.
–Dr. Lastname
I recently had a severe panic attack that lead me to believing I was molested as a young child. From what I know, I lost my virginity to a man in his 20s when I was 13 years old, or in 7th grade. After visiting with some old friends, I brought up an event which had happened when we were 13 years old that involved men in their late 20s or older, alcohol, and oral sex. She was horrified I brought it up, but to me, it was something that was part of my life, but after heading home that night, I began to think that maybe it wasn’t so normal for young girls to be having sex and that’s when my panic attack sunk in. For some background, I was “raised” by a 15-year-old mother who I believe loved me, but was at times, emotionally abusive and manipulative, and often times neglectful as she also had three other children after me. My father was also very young and inconsistent, I often went months without hearing from him and longer not seeing him. Anyways, eventually I lost my virginity to a man in his 20s which lead to years of promiscuity with much older men. My brother is now in his 20s and I try to gain perspective by mentally placing him next to what I perceive as a 13-14 year old, but I really can’t process the age difference. I don’t necessarily feel like a victim because I felt like such a willing participant, but lately, I’ve had this deep terrifying feeling that this sexual history goes back much further than I can remember. Although I can’t figure out what happened to me as a child, I do have these “flashbacks” that sometimes make no sense and I can’t seem to place them on a timeline, but my mind will immediately discard them and a sense of panic will set in. My goal is to come to terms with my history so I can start processing and begin to heal.
Being forced by a chance perspective to reexamine your basic assumptions about your childhood—whom you could trust, how safe you really were—can create a domino effect of doubt.
You’re now compelled to call your entire sexual history into question and wonder whether anxiety and flashbacks are side effects of the shock, or legitimate signals of unremembered sexual trauma. Between what you do remember and your lack of parental protection as a child, it could mean that you were sexually abused.
It’s never certain, however, that recalling such an experience in therapy can produce healing, and there’s a danger that delving into childhood trauma may make you feel more helpless and trap you in loops of negative thinking that keep the dominoes of doubt in perpetual free-fall. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 26, 2012
If you suffer from anxiety and depression, you know they’re like your own mental Statler and Waldorf, the two Muppet balcony hecklers, except less cute and more evil, spewing criticism that impairs your ability to feel confident and make decisions. Even when they don’t prevent you from achieving significant accomplishments, anxiety and/or depression make you believe you didn’t do as well as you should have. So, if you suffer from anxiety, learn how to tune out its constant negative chatter, or, even better, be proud of your ability to go on with the show.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m 37 years old, nearly 38. I’m undecided on whether or not to have a child. My mother died 12 years ago and I’ve been in and out of depression ever since. I definitely have a lot to be grateful for, but a lot of times I feel like I just can’t go on—the sadness and loss are still unbearable. The other thing is that I have been dealing with very bad insomnia since my mom’s death, which also makes life very difficult. I haven’t had a lot of long-term relationships but I’m in one now and it’s been 2 years. The relationship is good and he is a good man, but I’ve never had that feeling of “knowing” if he’s the right person/life long partner. There’s always something missing for me and I suppose it’s from the loss of my mom, and the reason I usually end up breaking up with boyfriends. I don’t want to keep that pattern going as I’ll end up alone. Because of my age I feel like time is of the essence and I need to make a decision—on my relationship and having a baby. I have always thought that I would have a child and I am a loving/giving person and love kids, but it’s so hard to take care of myself sometimes, I wonder if it’s right for me to me to have one. My partner wants kids (he would be a wonderful father) and I told him I’m not ready yet, but will I ever be? My goal is to come to a decision and be at peace with it.
You’ve had more than your share of pain in life, so it’s understandable that the things that should make you feel happiness, like a good relationship, are buried by exhaustion and a lingering sense of pain and loss.
Your pain hasn’t distracted you, however, from the fact that certain things make life meaningful, even when the joy they inspire doesn’t register. Apparently, two of those things for you are raising kids and having a relationship, which matter to you despite knowing that you’ll sometimes be unable to function or feel anything other than misery.
If that’s what’s meaningful to you, don’t ask yourself whether motherhood or marriage will make you happy, whether your feelings will ever be normal, or whether you’ll always be able to function as a parent. Unfortunately, it’s not your lot in life to have normal expectations about feelings or function. That doesn’t mean, however, that you can’t achieve normal goals if you’re prepared to make realistic adjustments. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 19, 2012
Normally, whoever breaks a marriage vow has first dibs on feeling guilty, but divorce, like marriage itself, is often a team effort. Often, what actually drives you away from a committed relationship isn’t restlessness or lust, but a deep and unavoidable flaw in the relationship itself. Once you confirm that such a flaw exists, don’t blame yourself for having mixed feelings; although good reasons probably remain for staying as well as going, give yourself a valid choice instead of accepting the guilt and taking one for the team.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: The next post will be next Monday, 11/26, since we’re taking time off for American Thanksgiving. We look forward to addressing your crises then.
I’ve made a mess of my marriage by cheating on my husband, and I know it. I wish I could stop, but sometimes I also wish I hadn’t let him talk me into marrying him—I tried to call it off, but he got suicidal, so I felt I had no choice. Still, it wasn’t an awful decision…he’s a good guy, we have great kids and a nice home. But I still find myself wanting to cheat, even though it causes him pain, I can’t seem to stop having occasional flings. These guys don’t really mean anything to me, but I’ve got to stop hurting my family. My goal is to stop.
You might not have a great marriage, but, like a sports team or boy band, a marriage is only as strong as its weakest member. That’s why trades exist, Justin Timberlake went solo, and the mirror is the first place to look if you’re searching for the source of your marital issues.
At this point, the burden of trying to be a good wife drives you into a bad habit that you’re ashamed of, so the worse you feel, the worse your bad habit gets. From a therapist’s point of view, it’s a gift that keeps on giving, but from your point of view, it’s a trap.
If you really want to break the cycle, your first job is clearing your head long enough to figure out whether you really want this marriage or not, challenging the idea that you’re at fault for its failure. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 12, 2012
The problem with drug addiction isn’t just the physical toll of chemical dependency (although that’s problematic, to say the least). On top of the negative effect drugs have on your body, there’s the corrosive effect addiction has on your morality and judgment, which means damage to both body and spirit. It’s addiction’s endless quest for feeling good, despite doing bad things to self and others, that turns you into a bad person. So don’t think that quitting is just a matter of quitting; it also requires getting stronger and caring more about who you are, so being good means more than feeling good ever could.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband never credits me for the way I try to stay sober, he just focuses on the things I do wrong. He claims I trash his things when I’m drunk, and maybe I do, but I love him and I can’t stand the way he’s always angry at me, because his anger makes it very hard for me to get sober. He says I’m always lying but it’s just that I can’t stop myself from saying whatever will stop him from getting angry. My goal is to stop drinking, of course, and I do better when he’s away, but I don’t see how I can do it when he’s around and always angry.
As understandable as it is to care deeply about how your spouse feels about you, it’s dangerous to care more about such feelings than about what’s right or wrong in what you’re doing. In other words, while you may want him to be happy with you, trashing his things isn’t likely to get that result.
That behavior would cause most people to think, not that you’re a caring wife, but a terrible drunk who does bad things to your husband when you’re under the influence. At the same time, you’re more upset about the pain you feel from his anger than about the way your drinking hurts him or compromises your pride in yourself.
Lying and drinking are quick, irresistible reflexes for avoiding pain. Unfortunately, they often make life more painful, which leads to more lying and drinking. In the end, your drinking isn’t your biggest problem; it’s the way drinking has damaged your character. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
